Bottling up my desire to bareback. Closet Barebacker's dilemna.

[versgeek]

I was wondering if there are any other guys out there who do this? I feel extremely conflicted by my barebacking. So much so that I don't discuss it with my friends even though we discuss sexual things of all sorts. I feel like there are two halves to me. The one half is the guy who wants to build a family, raise children, and be healthy. The other half wants to give up on all of that and just let go of control, or better yet, give that control to someone else. That half makes mental note of whenever the CumUnion parties are even though I've only been to one of them well over a year ago.

The stress of all of this leads me to not bareback and be celibate or very undersexed for months and then suddenly let loose. It happened this weekend where I hadn't been fucked for almost two months and I ended up lucky pierred between two guys in the smoking area of a bar. The top admitted to being poz, and I'm sure the bottom was, too. I just didn't care in the moment. Usually I come to my senses really quickly, so nobody came in me, but I feel like each time I get riskier and riskier. But I always feel guilty after until I get hard again.

So, yeah, anyone else have this conflict on here?

[drscorpio]

You sound like an excellent candidate for PrEP; there is a whole sub-forum about it under HIV/AIDS & Sexual Health if you need more info. That's your best bet to avoid HIV, and if you can do that, then you can be a BB slut and have a family, too.

Actually, poz guys can have all those things you want as well; the state of the art for treating HIV has really progressed.

[versgeek]

I've been thinking about PrEP, and know that some of my positive friends advocate for it. My concern is that I'm currently at a certain risk level, and I'm not sure if my current risk level is higher than what I'd do if I started taking PrEP or lower. Fear keeps me from taking anonymous loads. PrEP would likely drop that fear and have me spending a lot of time at steamworks in the sling, heh. Dunno how safe that is.

[drscorpio]

But PrEP will always be there. You will be protected when your horny thoughts take over.

When people make the argument you are making it sounds like why people object to giving teenagers birth control. Your barebacking isn't a theoretical thing; you WILL do it.

[versgeek]

I see what you're saying. I do know that I'll do it more if I feel like it's safer, though. Who wouldn't?

[NiceHard1]

I think I am hearing you share that your concerns are about more than just HIV. You may be holding up the HIV risk as your concern, as that is the easiest risk to see, but I think you may also be concerned about the risk of other STI's or of sexual addiction, or even about what others think about your sexual desires.

They are all great things to think about and to find the right balance in your life. The answer is not the same for everyone. For some guys, sex every day may feel fine, and others may find that interfering with their work, family, or other friendships. Having more frequent sex does mean testing for other STIs regularly, assuming you care about your health and that of your partners.

It is good to find close friends with whom you can talk about anything without any judgement. Its not something to talk about with everyone though. And yes, it is possible too to have a relationship with someone, even have children, and be sexual. The key is finding a partner who is on the same page with you, and develop a plan for fulfilling your desired level of sexuality with each other and with others. When you do that in a way that is honest with yourself and your partner, balancing work, family, friends and your sexuality - that sounds like a healthy lifestyle.

[versgeek]

Thanks for your response, NiceHard1. That sums it up really well. That balance is what I'd like to find but I have no idea how.

[Eptxbttm]

I know exactly how you feel I just can't afford to go on PreP yet but hopefully soon.

[bigsmoothcock]

Not all fear is irrational. Fear keeps us from sticking our hands in an open flame or slicing our throats or punching a grizzly bear in the face. Maybe your fear is keeping you freom contracting all manner of diseases that at best require expensive medical treatment.

[drscorpio]

My point is that a few days ago you were a few pumps away from taking a poz load in your hole. The I Will Try To Use Condoms strategy isn't working for you very well as it seems to be highly dependent on the kindness and self-control of strangers.

I was suggesting PrEP because it will help keep your options open a little longer (potentially a lot longer) regarding HIV. Most other things you might pick up can be treated.

Also, I am not judging you at all. If I had been where you were a few days ago, I most likely would have taken that load.

[versgeek]

Heh, I never said that I try to use condoms. I gave up on that years ago.

But your point is valid and PrEP is not something I've written off. I've been complacent about all of this for a number of reasons. I'm usually more of a serial monogamist when it comes to my barebacking (at least as a bottom) and it's much easier to ignore the problem when I'm dating someone. I ended things with the last guy 2 months ago and stopped having sex in the interim. Then I found myself at a bar backing up on an 8 in. uncut older Russian guy's dick with mine buried deep inside another guy. It felt too damned good.

[versgeek]

Random update: I setup an appointment to talk to a doctor about PrEP for next week. Now to just convince myself not to take my 3-day load to CumUnion tonight...