Moderator's Note: I was unable to fix the post @hamser made above. Here is a repost of the invisible portion.
John knew how to follow the rules. Not by the bdsm obedience kind. But the one with the smile of easiness and the feeling of ‘yes, OK I can do it’.
He was ready. The moment he stepped into the car I could smell the soap and the smooth lemon shampoo on his hair. I liked it.
While I was driving I explained him the set up. Since he had agreed the ‘no buts no ifs’ deal I had to keep my side of the bargain. The ‘no secret agenda’ part.
I told him about Mattias and his apartment. That when we ‘ll enter the loft there will be a glass on the front table. He will have to drink the cocktail and then he’ll go to the bathroom to fresh up.
I asked him if he wants to be blindfolded.
I have to admit that he surprised me by answering me that he preferred not. The trust issues were still there I guess. During the week till his birthday we had to work on that more. Some scars from his own jungle seem to be deeper than I thought. That’s OK.
We all need our own time to heal the pain, the loneliness, and the need of self destruction that a cumdump like him - or me- carries. No matter how many smiles… No matter of how self confident we look when we drive our car down the streets of the city, or programming set- ups of gang bangs like the one I have organized for him… still… deep inside, we all are lonely creatures… trying to reach out for deeper understanding… I guess Kate Bush long ago had made a song about this deeper understanding thing. I am not sure if he knows who Kate Bush is. I guess in the soundtrack of the ‘jungle’ Kate Bush’s songs are not included.
I put again my father figure mask saying that not him having a blindfold is not a problem, as long as he would put a kind if restrain like the horses do in the races so he won’t look back who is fucking him…
“Instead”, I made it easier to him. “You can focus easier to the porn that will be playing in front of you in one of the huge TV sets our host is providing…”.
I told him few things about Mattias and his ability to register the points.
You have every right to know a thing or two, about the man who will have access to your veins...
My father figure trusting voice was doing the work well. He seemed relaxed. In andrelanine of course but still not alarmed. The same mask of ‘yes, OK I can do it’… but with a touch of glow in the deep of the eyes.
I explained that there will be a few men coming to the party. All escorts and all bare.
“ Some will stay just for a quickie some will stay maybe longer. Some will take chems some might not. But kiddo you will definitely be the center of attention. Its up to the guys if they want to be introduced to you after the fuck or if they want to remain anonymous. I do not share info about their work their profile names or their telephones. I share the loads and that’s it.
“No. You don’t have to worry about the cash… I am taking care of this”…
I showed him the envelope but I didn’t tell him how many banknotes are in it. He didn’t ask either. What he asked was this:
“Why do you do it?“
It was time. It took him more than few months of brief encounters and a night of sharing the sleep to ask his first ever serious question.
Until now what ever talk we did, didn’t really include questions. Or at least questions that their answers matter.
The ‘no buts and no ifs’ part of the deal, demanded the ‘no secret agendas’ part… Again… Fair enough.
We were already there. I could see Mattias building.
Downtown is empty at this time of hour. But I couldn’t trust my car at the side of the road. Not in that neighbourhood. When the evening falls and the offices close, the mood of the area changes. It is like if a black veil of sin covers the atmosphere. A smell of urine combined with cheap perfume of junkie whores. Pimps and heroin dealers. No safety net. And not nice to drive a fancy car or carry envelopes with banknotes.
Mattias has given me the code for his private own parking lot. I park next to our hosts’ car. But I don’t get out. I turn of the engine and I stay a bit silent.
“Why I do this… You see Stephan, I call you Stephan because it is time for truths and Stephan I will tell you the truth at least as far as I can understand my own motivations….
… “In this life we lead, the world with cumdumps, toxic bare loads and chemsex, it is not easy to connect. Not easy to trust. Not easy to stay sober.
… “I call it ‘ jungle’… There is no mercy if you show weakness... Big beast eats little beast… There is no tomorrow if you start losing your self. It took me some time to understand what kind of river I chose to cross. And even if I always thought my self as a pretty good swimmer, there were times I felt I was ready to drown by tsunami waves. It is pure luck I just didn’t. But I could.
… “You see my friend… the most difficult in this jungle or this wild river, is not the cock, or the sperm, or the chems. The most difficult part is to connect. We avoid to connect. We avoid to be human. Taking the position of exposing the hole as you and I prefer, deep inside we do just that:
… “ We disconnect with our humanity…
… “At first sight it looks that we are weak. We are holes… useless cunts… We become vulnerable taking random cocks thinking that it is our way to survive in this jungle…
“…but weak… sorry, we are not...
…. “Some we will survive some we won’t. We play with fate. And the odds are against us. But we still continue playing this losing game. Love is a losing game. How true indeed. Good entry choice for the Dutch in Eurovision by the way… “
He smiled at my last comment. Good. A true queer knows about Eurovision issues. I smiled back. I don’t want him to get too serious and spoil his mood for fun. But I owed him an answer.
“And now we are back to your question. ‘Why I do this’…
… “I do this because you look like me… few years ago… of course you are better looking than I ever was, definitely more nicer, and for sure friendlier than I will ever become. You are even smart enough to protect your space, and still remain goofy and a bit romantic since you ask strangers to share your sleep and help you fullfill your fantasies….
… “But weak? No, you ain’t...
… “I am a bottom. Not a top. I know how you think. I know how your thoughts operate. I used to be like you. In a way, its thrilling for me to share a journey with another cumdump. Cumdumps can be ignorant and possessive. Believe me I’ve been in the jungle way longer than you…
“… So my Stephan… I consider you as a challenge. My own tribute to the paths of your destruction. Or salvation… that is up to you…
“… Today it is a test. The inviroment of Mattias is one of the safest you will ever encounter. You will deal with professionals. And the chems and the slams that you will be given are going to be first quality….
… “But it won’t be like this next Saturday. It will be darker and seedier and more dangerous…
… “I like you. I wish someone like me would come and do the same thing years ago. It would save me from some serious problems. It would put things maybe in another prospective. And maybe change my path of life. But no one did. Or if he did I wasn’t paying attention and I let him go. C'est la vie.. .
… “So it is to time for redemption, my friend John… from now on you are not Stephan… ll’ be back to JOHN. So John…
… “I do this not because of you. But because of me. It is all about me…”
I said and got off the car. He followed. We walked towards the elevator in silence. I called Mattias on his cell.
“We are here… “ I said.
I opened the door for the elevator. I let him in first. He seemed a bit confused. But the smile was there…
“You are good. What’s your job, you said? “ he said with confidence. Back to his old self…
I smiled back knowing that my smile has no sweetness or easiness like his. But from time to time it seems to do his job just fine.
“I am just a cumdump kiddo… an old beast who knows how to survive in the jungle… “ I answered… And I pushed the button for the top floor.
The button had the letter M.
“M” I heard John saying. “Like the Fritz Lang’s film… Yes it’s going to be fun… “
I let his comment flow in silence. I made no comment… but deep inside my mask of indeference I smiled….
Damn, that’s why I love the jungle.
And its beasts….