It's been a little over year since I became poz

[mashimaro]

I wasn't in the greatest state of mind prior to finding out. I was depressed about where I was in life, contemplated suicide, and confessed to my doctor. I was secretly hoping to be put on anti-depressants, just because I wanted the easy way out. Who doesn't? Instead I was told to seek a psychologist, and I had no choice. I couldn't wallow in this self pity, hoping that somehow, somewhere, I would find my "knight in shining armor" to come and raise me out of this depression. After a few weeks in therapy, it seems like there really wasn't any progress. I was window shopping one night, just browsing online and I came upon an at home HIV test. I figured I'll give it a shot, since I haven't tested in a while, which turned out to be positive. Obviously I freaked out like anybody else would and ran out and purchased another test. Again it was positive, and my world came crashing down. This was in November of 2012.

I went ahead and saw a doctor, and had the results verified. It finally became real. I woke up from the dream state that I was in. Up til then I was numb. Afterwards, I told all my past partners that I've barebacked with the truth. Thankfully I infected none of them, I had no idea how long I've had it. After I complicated my obligation of informing past partners, it felt like a weight was lifted. I finally have a goal, a hump to overcome, which slowly forced me out of the depressed state I was in.

Fast froward til now, I do regret being poz. Yes, it gave me a means to overcome my depression. It gave me an enemy to beat, but my sex and love life has suffered. Living in a small town, it has been really difficult. Who would want to fuck bare a poz bottom? Very few would risk it. Yet alone love one. Where you're opening yourself up to that risk. Ignorance is partly the enemy.

That is the honest to God truth about how I feel. But don't mistake it for me wallowing in my misfortune. I am poz, this doesn't define me. I'm not happy about it, but I'll make the best of it. And lets be honest here, I love barebacking, and now I don't need to have a fear about being infected like before.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Thanks for your candor. True small towns really make your situation tough. That and ignorance. Buy now you have been undetectable for a good while. So the risk you pose to others while low to none isn't well understood. But getting that message out is neigh unto impossible. Near any larger cities?

[mashimaro]

Luckily living in Fresno, CA, it's a 3 hour drive to SF and LA. Unfortunately, being a poor college student, it's a bit out of my budget lol. Yep undetectable for while now but most still wouldn't dare to risk it.

Boo for not proofreading, oh well. "After I complicated my obligations..." is suppose to be completed.

[barefootbob]

I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. I live in a smallish town, I have a genetic condition called neurofibromstosis which causes lots of little bumps (fibromas) all over my chest, arms and now face. It has caused me to have erection problems since my mid 20's. I am very forward about it and turns most guys off, I don't get a first look much less a second. In some ways it would be easier if I was pox because there is no cure or treatment for NF.

I wish you the best -

[nu_abo]

Most of your anxiety just comes from the small town complex. I was 20 when I became poz and was attending a college in a small town. It's rough starting but it gets better to deal. I know you worry about being attractive to others but honestly being poz can help weed out the bull shit people that you probably don't need to deal with.

[mashimaro]

Most of your anxiety just comes from the small town complex. I was 20 when I became poz and was attending a college in a small town. It's rough starting but it gets better to deal. I know you worry about being attractive to others but honestly being poz can help weed out the bull shit people that you probably don't need to deal with.

lol i think it has weeded too much bullshit. i can deal with a bit of bs

[mashimaro]

I can somewhat understand where you are coming from. I live in a smallish town, I have a genetic condition called neurofibromstosis which causes lots of little bumps (fibromas) all over my chest, arms and now face. It has caused me to have erection problems since my mid 20's. I am very forward about it and turns most guys off, I don't get a first look much less a second. In some ways it would be easier if I was pox because there is no cure or treatment for NF.

I wish you the best -

thanks for that. i hope things start looking up for you.

[TigerMilner]

I was going to make a new thread for this post but the timing is appropriate. Today is 2 years to the day since I got bugged up, knocked up, pozzed, infected, or what ever you wanna call it. It is kind of weird that I know when and where but it was all about timing. I had sex with two men that day. One is still negative. One got fuck flu right after we fucked. I got it 3 weeks later. He didn't know he had just been infected. It was never like he did it to me. We've fucked since then, though I don't see him as often as I would like. It might make me seem shallow, but I am glad that the man who converted me is hot as fuck.

I've been undetectable for a little over 18 months and have returned to bareback sex since that time. I have one fuck buddy who stuck with me through it all. We started using condoms, which after four years seemed like using sex toys. He would usually stuff the used cum filled condoms up my ass after he came. Lots of times he'd pull it off and shove his raw cock inside me to shoot. We still fuck and he's still testing negative. We used a condom again the other night because he wanted to know what Trojans new "Ecstacy" condoms felt like. Again it was hot as hell, because it was something new. And again I got his load anyway.

Two years ago today I didn't realize my life was changing that day. I spent nearly nine months sick as a dog, but I'm ok now. Initially the thought of being infectious to all my fuck buddies and anyone I would meet in the future was overwhelming. Being on meds I know I'm not infecting others and it keeps me safe too. I have an appointment with my ID specialist on March 7th and except for anemia, I'm sure I will be fine still. I'll let you guys know if anything comes up. Otherwise, i'm taking my Complera everyday and getting fucked as often as I feel like making myself available (or when my fuck buddy says he needs it).

You will be better. My only advice to you is to move somewhere that you can live as who you are. Nothing is more hurtful than not being able to live an authentic life. Find a gay neighborhood and a good HIV clinic and move. You have no idea what possibilities are out there for you. Go find them.

[mashimaro]

I was going to make a new thread for this post but the timing is appropriate. Today is 2 years to the day since I got bugged up, knocked up, pozzed, infected, or what ever you wanna call it. It is kind of weird that I know when and where but it was all about timing. I had sex with two men that day. One is still negative. One got fuck flu right after we fucked. I got it 3 weeks later. He didn't know he had just been infected. It was never like he did it to me. We've fucked since then, though I don't see him as often as I would like. It might make me seem shallow, but I am glad that the man who converted me is hot as fuck.

I've been undetectable for a little over 18 months and have returned to bareback sex since that time. I have one fuck buddy who stuck with me through it all. We started using condoms, which after four years seemed like using sex toys. He would usually stuff the used cum filled condoms up my ass after he came. Lots of times he'd pull it off and shove his raw cock inside me to shoot. We still fuck and he's still testing negative. We used a condom again the other night because he wanted to know what Trojans new "Ecstacy" condoms felt like. Again it was hot as hell, because it was something new. And again I got his load anyway.

Two years ago today I didn't realize my life was changing that day. I spent nearly nine months sick as a dog, but I'm ok now. Initially the thought of being infectious to all my fuck buddies and anyone I would meet in the future was overwhelming. Being on meds I know I'm not infecting others and it keeps me safe too. I have an appointment with my ID specialist on March 7th and except for anemia, I'm sure I will be fine still. I'll let you guys know if anything comes up. Otherwise, i'm taking my Complera everyday and getting fucked as often as I feel like making myself available (or when my fuck buddy says he needs it).

You will be better. My only advice to you is to move somewhere that you can live as who you are. Nothing is more hurtful than not being able to live an authentic life. Find a gay neighborhood and a good HIV clinic and move. You have no idea what possibilities are out there for you. Go find them.

i'm kinda giddy that you replied ot my thread. Since i am a fan, and insanely jealous of your encounters. I guess you're one of the lucky ones that know who infected you. Well i think "lucky" is subjective. I want to know who infected me, but no one is coming out about it. I haven't seen my ID doctor in a while, between them leaving to Kaiser and Obamacare, I haven't had a looked at my viral load and CD4 since july.

I'm planning on moving, however, school is gonna keep me in this town for a bit longer unfortunately. Which doesn't really give me a right to complain.

[TigerMilner]

It sounds like you have still got your goals and priorities in order when you say school is keeping you there a bit longer. Good for you. That is part of taking care of yourself. I hope my suggestion of moving didn't sound reckless. I meant it in the spirit of making your life your own, which it seems you are doing despite being HIV positive. Keep doing that. You do get to the point where you don't think about it everyday. Other than remembering to take my pill with food, I don't think about it much at all anymore. That has been a relief.

And yeah I consider myself lucky that I know where I got it, especially given my behaviors. I'm really lucky that I never infected anyone. I have been disappointed that it isn't something he and I have bonded over. In fact, it's actually been like this awkward thing we don't want to talk about. It's weird. I guess he feels more responsible than he should. He's a good guy, so I can see him feeling guilty about it. I've tried to reassure him that I don't blame him at all. But we just don't talk about it unless I bring it up. Damn I want him to fuck me again really soon. I emailed him today. lol.

The really weird thing is that it happened to me after I got "internet famous". So I had thousands of "friends" on xtube who thought of me as a negative bb bottom. I was really afraid to be open about it. I didn't want to be the "I told you so" whore. But keeping it a secret would kill me. That is where Breeding Zone became more than a raunchy chat room. It's where I first started talking about it. It's where I learned that there are guys who actually think it is hot.

The most weird thing for me is that I have it on video. lol. I know. And I can't show it. I won't show it. Believe it or not, some things are just too personal. (So please don't ask guys!) And I would never disclose his status by revealing who he is. If he chose too, that would be different. It sometimes kills me not to be able to post it for what it is, but it would take on a life that I'm not really ready for if I did. I've had to learn a few hard lessons by the "success" of my internet activities. It definitely comes with a price.

[mashimaro]

I don't think about being poz at all anymore. Sometimes I even forget. That's mainly because of the whole "if i don't think about it then it bother me" thing. Oh no, it didn't sound reckless at all. And I think I came to that conclusion already, but that would be mainly with finding a relationship. I still feel guilty about what I'm doing now, which is sleeping with other guys without telling them I'm poz. However, I am undetecable (good ol stribild).

I do have a general idea of who infected me, but like he does every now and then, disappears completely. Which is quite unfortunately, since I wanted him to take responsibility and fuck me weekly if not daily. Lol you should tell him that if he feels guilty about it to fuck you more often. To repent =p.

I'm not gonna lie, but a few years before I became infected, I told my best friend that I'll probably gonna catch HIV. Not because of me being a bug chaser. Just because I was so promiscuous. And at the time I was escorting also. Now that I think about it, it didn't really increase my chances because my clientele was mainly older married types.

[Scottop]

I wasn't in the greatest state of mind prior to finding out. I was depressed about where I was in life, contemplated suicide, and confessed to my doctor. I was secretly hoping to be put on anti-depressants, just because I wanted the easy way out. Who doesn't? Instead I was told to seek a psychologist, and I had no choice. I couldn't wallow in this self pity, hoping that somehow, somewhere, I would find my "knight in shining armor" to come and raise me out of this depression. After a few weeks in therapy, it seems like there really wasn't any progress. I was window shopping one night, just browsing online and I came upon an at home HIV test. I figured I'll give it a shot, since I haven't tested in a while, which turned out to be positive. Obviously I freaked out like anybody else would and ran out and purchased another test. Again it was positive, and my world came crashing down. This was in November of 2012.

I went ahead and saw a doctor, and had the results verified. It finally became real. I woke up from the dream state that I was in. Up til then I was numb. Afterwards, I told all my past partners that I've barebacked with the truth. Thankfully I infected none of them, I had no idea how long I've had it. After I complicated my obligation of informing past partners, it felt like a weight was lifted. I finally have a goal, a hump to overcome, which slowly forced me out of the depressed state I was in.

Fast froward til now, I do regret being poz. Yes, it gave me a means to overcome my depression. It gave me an enemy to beat, but my sex and love life has suffered. Living in a small town, it has been really difficult. Who would want to fuck bare a poz bottom? Very few would risk it. Yet alone love one. Where you're opening yourself up to that risk. Ignorance is partly the enemy.

That is the honest to God truth about how I feel. But don't mistake it for me wallowing in my misfortune. I am poz, this doesn't define me. I'm not happy about it, but I'll make the best of it. And lets be honest here, I love barebacking, and now I don't need to have a fear about being infected like before.

For neg tops like me, there is nothing safer than fucking a poz bottom on meds. You are in more demand than you think.

[mashimaro]

Wish I could find more guys like you then!

[Carrolltonpeter]

I agree with Scottop said. Not only are you sexy as hell, but, I definitely prefer fucking undetectable bottoms as opposed to guys who claim to be negative but are willing to bareback (meaning: most likely they don't really know their status). If only you were closer to southern California!

[mashimaro]

lol it's like a 3-4 hour drive. you make it sound like i'm across the globe =p