Dude lied about his status and bred me

[jtonic]

i recently found out im poz

will the feeling of guilt and absolute dread ever go away?

i havent slept for days

[Poz1956]

So you live in one of those states that during the AIDS panic of the 80's passed laws, which were really nothing more than legal stand-ins for homophobia. Some of those law are so poorly crafted that there are Poz people in jail for spitting. The Global Commission on HIV and the Law recommends “Repeal punitive laws” and “Enact no laws that explicitly criminalise HIV transmission, exposure or non-disclosure of HIV status” as they are counterproductive in the global fight against HIV.

As others have stated, laws criminalizing non-disclosure do more to spread HIV than to knock back the epidemic. They cause people not to get tested. If a guy doesn't know his status, he can't be charged.

Criminalizing non-disclosure doesn't make it easier to discuss HIV status. It makes it a LOT HARDER. Personally I don't think any Neg guy can fully understand how difficult disclosure is. We learn very quickly that while people claim to want honesty, they immediately punish us for being honest. The responses can range from the extremely RARE polite "Sorry, I'm just not comfortable", to histrionics calling us murders and sociopaths, and even violence. I got set up for a bashing as a result of pre-meeting disclosure to a guy I'd chatted with for several months. There is a HUGE internal tug-o-war between the moral "I should reveal my status" and quite justifiable fears about which kind of response will be received. Over 50% say you will NEVER knowingly sleep with a Poz guy, and another 20% to 30% won't agree with Never, but say No when faced with the situation. In places with those stupid laws, you have to add the fear about potential legal implications of disclosure. One of his thoughts is "how do I prove I disclosed," because these things turn into "He said / He said." The Poz guy is always presumed guilty, while the Neg guy is always a sweet innocent victim, regardless of no transmission occurring, or if they were ever at any risk.

Wherever these laws exist, "Neg" guys seem to have an extra sense of entitlement. They have an higher level of "assumed negative" in their suroguessing games. These laws add more fairy dust to the magical properties of "Clean UB2." Guys step further away from accepting personal responsibility. If they even hear of a transmission, the first reaction is indignation and "call the cops." It's really visible in any online forum that discusses Poz/Neg BB sex, for example the chatter about the Partner study, or an article about the challenges of disclosure. Some commentator will say he caught HIV from a boyfriend (estimates are the +33% of new infections in the US are from men's primary sex partner). Several comments follow with "He should be charged," and "inform the authorities."

Yes, maybe he did have a laps in judgment. You feel that the other guy committed a crime by not disclosing his status. That may be true in your jurisdiction. It certainly isn't everywhere. For a little context read Mark S. Kings When People with HIV Became Suicide Bombers.

But your accessing his private medical information, for your own personal use IS a crime in MOST places. Frankly, you should be fired and charged! You could probably also be sued. Make no mistake about it - YOU COMMITTED A HUGE ETHICAL AND MORAL ERROR! You might have gotten some of the sympathy you were looking for, if you hadn't admitted to illegally accessing his medical records.

Most Poz guys are fed up with juvenile questions like "Clean?" And some of us are sick of it to the point where we will answer "Yes." It is a vague question with a number of possible meanings (as I mention in point 4 of this post). Just because you pretend clean only has one meaning, doesn't make that true. If you're not mature enough to actually discuss HIV, maybe you shouldn't be having BB sex.

If all you asked what his status via a childish "Are you Clean" question, you didn't have a real discussion of sexual health. The first question should be "When were you last tested" along with "How often do you get tested." I'll stack a Poz guy's four month test cycle up against most "Serostatus Unknown" guys. Half of "Neg" haven't been tested in over a year and 25% have NEVER been tested. The numbers are even higher in the under 25 group. Most "think they're Neg" will assure you they are "clean" regardless of how long it's been since their last test, how many loads they've taken, or how many holes they've pounded.

Lets see - you're at three months since that hook-up, and you haven't had a full STI screening. You're barebacking. You're sitting there with two other guy's loads in your ass. The best recommended practice is testing every three months. You'll be required to get checked that often on PrEP, but clearly you weren't doing that before.

I've always personally felt that disclosing my status was the morally correct thing to do. Unfortunately I've received so many uneducated, morally corrupt responses, and seen so many ignorant depictions of Poz guys, I now find it challenging to reveal my status.

You asked "WTF is wrong with people?" Maybe after being bludgeoned tens of thousands of times with "Clean" "D & D Free" "Healthy" "infected," "Diseased" and all the other radioactive "Not Me" language, he just broke. WTF is wrong with all you guys who use that dehumanizing language? WTF is going on in your brains, when you can't even be polite if a guy reveals his status? WTF is up the attitude of moral superiority for simply being Neg, and slut shaming of Poz guys? And WTF is wrong with all you "might be Neg" guys who have a totally irrational level of fear about HIV? Evolve beyond a simple minded "fight or flight" response.

It's not 1984. You're here, so you have access to the net. Spend a little time reading something written about HIV in the last few years - like TasP (Treatment as Prevention), the Partner study, or even the older HPTN 052 study.

Personally I can't wait until the final reports from the Partner 2 and Opposites Attract studies are published. There is a certain irony in the fact us Poz guys, who you Neggies loathe, and immediately reject, are turning out to be the ones least likely to infect you! Won't it be a bitter pill for you and your "clean" brethren to swallow, when you realize that the epidemic is almost entirely driven by the exact behaviours you thought protected you.

[wood]

But your accessing his private medical information, for your own personal use IS a crime in MOST places. Frankly, you should be fired and charged! You could probably also be sued. Make no mistake about it - YOU COMMITTED A HUGE ETHICAL AND MORAL ERROR! You might have gotten some of the sympathy you were looking for, if you hadn't admitted to illegally accessing his medical records.

Lets see - you're at three months since that hook-up, and you haven't had a full STI screening. You're barebacking. You're sitting there with two other guy's loads in your ass. The best recommended practice is testing every three months. You'll be required to get checked that often on PrEP, but clearly you weren't doing that before.

I like to advocate full disclosure, and I still agree with the first part 100%. I don't think the guy was right, but I would say what you did is MUCH more wrong that what he did, especially if he is on treatment which is likely given that you accessed health records.

Additionally you freaked out because you knew, who knows how many HIV+ loads you have already taken that you DON'T know about, or that the person who gave it to you doesn't even know. You like bare sex, fine, but at least get on PrEP if you want to stay HIV-.

[Guest outdatedaccount]

I like poz guys so I have mixed feelings about PrEP.  Think everyone should be able to decided for themselves about risk.  PrEP makes guys more willing to bareback, so more guys to play with and less people insisting on condoms.  Can't tell you how many times neg guys reply to my bareback ads and ask if it's safe or if I have condoms.  I always tell them no it's not safe to stick you dick in my ass full of stranger's cum.  A lot of them come over anyway.   The thing about PrEP I don't like is fewer poz guys, I have a thing for poz guys. 

[barehole4use]

I don't understand all the guys whining about getting bred or pozzed up, If you don't want to catch anything : use condoms ! & oh & get off this site so we don't have to hear all about your whining ways.