When Is Best To Tell Him I Am Poz And How Should I Do It?

[VersatileBreeder]

Last week, I met a really cool guy on Grindr. We have gone out a couple of times and we connect really well. I definitely see relationship material with him but, here we go, there is just that one issue at hand- I am poz.

Last night we were hanging out at my place. He was telling me how much he really likes me. Something in me was telling me to tell him at that point that I am poz but I didn't do it. We haven't done anything physical yet, except kissed.

So my question is- when is the best time to tell a guy like this that I am poz? And how should I deliver that news? I know I am making assumptions here, but I am going under the assumption that he is neg. I really have no idea how he will take it and that is the part that scares me. He might be really cool about it or he might freak out and run away.

So from your relationship experience, have you found it is better to tell them right in the beginning or wait until you get to know them a little better before dropping that news?

[Guest NxNW]

The sooner the better!

[bearbandit]

I'd say as soon as possible: that way if he turns out to be a schmuck you don't have so much invested in him emotionally. Basically I'm thinking "protect yourself from getting hurt"... I won't deny it takes a lot to come out as poz, but I will emphasise that it gets easier. Assuming he's neg is probably a good approach.

As to the "how where and when" of it, I'd say next time you see him, either at your place (home territory advantage) or a quiet bar you know, have a beer or two, not enough to get drunk, just enough to relax, and drop it into the conversation as just another interesting fact about you, about as important as your eye colour or the fact that you can't stand <insert name of junk food>. Make an oblique reference to when you had seroconversion illness or when you tested, and let him pick up on it. If he doesn't, try a reference to last time you saw your HIV doctor or how useful your HIV support group is. What I'm saying is don't just come out with it, put it into a personal context, which would make it easier for him to understand. And bear in mind there's a probability he might say "ah, you too..."

 

If he reacts badly, there's one less asshole in your life to worry about, and if he reacts well, great! I always promised myself that I was giving up dating outside my HIV status, but I've ended up seeing a negative guy and more than anything else, he's curious about it. He asks an honest question, I give him an honest answer...

Best of luck to you, mate!

[fillmyholeftl]

Last week, I met a really cool guy on Grindr. We have gone out a couple of times and we connect really well. I definitely see relationship material with him but, here we go, there is just that one issue at hand- I am poz.

Last night we were hanging out at my place. He was telling me how much he really likes me. Something in me was telling me to tell him at that point that I am poz but I didn't do it. We haven't done anything physical yet, except kissed.

So my question is- when is the best time to tell a guy like this that I am poz? And how should I deliver that news? I know I am making assumptions here, but I am going under the assumption that he is neg. I really have no idea how he will take it and that is the part that scares me. He might be really cool about it or he might freak out and run away.

So from your relationship experience, have you found it is better to tell them right in the beginning or wait until you get to know them a little better before dropping that news?

Best time is when you're first chatting on Grindr.  Or better yet, have it in profile. I find I still get hit on by Poz, neg & PrEP'd guys,  It really makes it a lot easier. That said, being you've missed that opportunity, ASAP... You may be pleasantly surprised.

[Bottomhole]

Hey. Thought I'd chime in as I've had the exact same experience about 6 months ago with my current boyfriend, who I love. I was so nervous to tell him aswell, I did it after about a few weeks of knowing him(we'd not had sex) and I did it through text. So text may not be the best way to deliver that news, but we were in the midst of a conversation about sex, and I said before we continue that there was something he should know. If you're nervous, let him know, if you completely understand if he doesnt want to pursue a relationship, let him know. 

Just be as honest as you can, tell him the reason you're telling him is because you like him and would like to get serious. For me, it turned out to be the best thing I ever did, it didn't phase him. He's still neg, we're just cautious when having sex(condom the c-word so many guys here fear) and I'm the happiest I've ever been. He looks at me now and doesn't see a status. If you really like this guy dont mess it up by not telling him, or telling him too late

 

Best of luck.

Edited August 6, 2015 by Bottomhole

[tallbtm]

Bearbandit's advice is good: 

Drop it into the conversation as just another interesting fact about you, about as important as your eye colour or the fact that you can't stand <insert name of junk food>.

 

I find that people tend to react according to how you deliver the news and prompt them to react. Compare:

  "Great news, pal. I just got divorced!"  vs  "I feel so horrible; I just got divorced."

 

Keep in mind that he might also be poz or already on PrEP.  And if you're undetectable, he really can't get HIV from you. If he's completely uninformed, you have an opportunity to fill him in.

 

I'm rooting for you, man!  Best wishes.

[VersatileBreeder]

Thank you for the advice and support guys. Well... I told him earlier tonight. And the result was.... He took it very well!

Deep down, I expected he was going to be good about it, but he actually took it even better than I expected.

Though you guys suggested I tell him in casual conversation, i just couldn't find a way to tell him like that... So I told him that there was something we needed to talk about and I just told him.

His initial reaction was very mild. At first, he was just kind of like "OK...." But as we talked more about it, he told me he respected me a lot for telling him and that he still wants to see me. He said that this really isn't a big issue for him and that he is not all that educated on the ins and outs of HIV so he will probably have questions for me as time goes on, which I told him is fine and totally understandable. He even said he feels closer to me now that I told him this about myself. He stated that he is not judgmental and would never turn his back on me because I told him I am poz.

So all is well on this front. We will see how it goes going forward with him but I feel good about it.

[pssilverbear]

That's great news.  Good luck to the both of you going forward.  You definitely made the right move being up front early.  It's just the best way to handle it.  

[fillmyholeftl]

Thank you for the advice and support guys. Well... I told him earlier tonight. And the result was.... He took it very well!

Deep down, I expected he was going to be good about it, but he actually took it even better than I expected.

Though you guys suggested I tell him in casual conversation, i just couldn't find a way to tell him like that... So I told him that there was something we needed to talk about and I just told him.

His initial reaction was very mild. At first, he was just kind of like "OK...." But as we talked more about it, he told me he respected me a lot for telling him and that he still wants to see me. He said that this really isn't a big issue for him and that he is not all that educated on the ins and outs of HIV so he will probably have questions for me as time goes on, which I told him is fine and totally understandable. He even said he feels closer to me now that I told him this about myself. He stated that he is not judgmental and would never turn his back on me because I told him I am poz.

So all is well on this front. We will see how it goes going forward with him but I feel good about it.

AWESOME !!!  Very proud of you, my friend.  Listen, let him know that new research shows that undetectable people are pretty mush almost 100% unlikely to transmit the HIV virus. If it goes that far... he can go on PrEP !  :-)

[Bottomhole]

That's just great, I hope it goes well for you two. Well done for telling him!

[Guest Lempriere]

Good for you for being upfront - and for him for taking it so well.  As others have said, there are a number of ways you can deal with the situation medically in a way that is good for both of you and allows you to grow in your relationship with each other.  Good luck!

[Top2Bottom42]

AWESOME !!!  Very proud of you, my friend.  Listen, let him know that new research shows that undetectable people are pretty mush almost 100% unlikely to transmit the HIV virus. If it goes that far... he can go on PrEP !  :-)

Yes, the fantastic news is the two things that you need to tell him (and others, when discussing sex and BB) are:

1) PrEP (see a separate thread about this) that has 80% effectivity to blocking infection from someone, even blood to blood...compaired 50% effectivity for a condom that only covers a cock.

2) The Partner Study results and implications - A two year, continuing study, with straight and gay couples, one Neg and NOT on PrEP. The other is POZ, Undectectable (taking meds and under doctors care). The study had a mix of tops and bottoms for the different POZ/neg mixes and they fucked bare. At the end of the two year period, the only negs whom had serumconverted had been POZ'ed by someone else and this was proven genitically. The results, for now, as the study continues, is that the probibility of infecting someone from an undetectable person (with top to bottom the greatest of those possibilities) to be on the order of THOUSANDS of a PERCENT... essentially, ZERO.

Safer to play with a undetectable POZ dude than with someone whom doesn't know, has had risky sexual behaviours and is carrying a viral load of millions of copies per ml...

And when coupled with PrEP, hey, these are the next best things to an actual cure... We can play again!

[berlinboi]

I'm really pleased about this. I think pos guys need to understand that the neg guys may react differently depending on personality type. A few years ago I met someone who didn't give me the time to process the information and we just lost communication. Some guys are eager to carry on with the relationship but need time others don't. As long as the good intent is there there's nothing wrong.

 

At the piss club I played a lot with a guy who i instantly liked who told me he was undetectable. I'd hardly heard of this thing and he explained it to me. We ended up going back to his though just chilled out and wanked. 

 

As PrEP becomes more widespread and more is understood of these labels the more the barriers will fall.

 

I find Gay men are so cavalier when it comes to these things - it's not as if sex isn't available as part of an agreement yet throw away the chance of at least a strong friendship if not more.