Being The Third Wheel

[Lost-boy859]

Hi guys,

I realize that this may not be the most appropriate place one would come seeking relationship advice, but I feel, given the context, some of you may better understand the predicament I've gotten myself into.

I've been in a somewhat distant relationship with 2 older men for just over a year now. 'A' and 'B' are both married, and over the past year I have been their only collared boy. Since I do not live locally I usually get to see them a few days every week or so.. But here lately I've kind of been coming and going as I please, and I don't think this set very well with them. This lead to some things being said that I've really been struggling with. I will never be as important to them as they are to each other, and even worse, I eventually need to find someone else..

To make matters worse, I have grown incredibly attached to A. He's everything I've ever wanted. Essentially my soulmate. There's no denying he loves and adores me too, but I know it would not be hard for him to let me go.. This hurts too. I also love and deeply care for B, however we do not have the same type of bond that I share with A. Deep down I knew this dynamic would never work, but I've kind of told myself otherwise this far.

Obviously I can't hold anything against them. I put myself in this position. I am responsible for my actions. They're married, and I am expendable. I knew this from the beginning, but I was sadly mistaken to think I could change the dynamic - this was very selfish of me.

Ultimately, I know they really do both love me, and they want me to be happy, just not with them. This is devastating to me because I've never been in love with anyone before, and I set myself up with false expectations. I was happy, up until a week ago.. I'm not so happy anymore.

I just don't know how to proceed from here. It's not like they've broken things off with me. They still want me to be apart of their lives, however, I'm afraid I don't know how to love and let go. I've considered asking them to cut me lose, but at the same time, I know what it feels like being completely alone. Our current relationship is constructive, and they make me want to be a better person. I just don't want to get any more attached in fear of further disappointing myself.

I have decided that I need to re-prioritize some aspects of my life, and it would be best for me if everything didn't revolve around them. This means that I will not be seeing them as much..

I guess what I'm trying to ask.. Do I have a better course of action? Do you think it would be healthier for me to break things off with them completely? In any case, I need to learn to set my emotions aside.. I would appreciate any advice on how to do this. I know it might be a good idea to start talking to other people, but I have my doubts about that as well. If it's taken me 25 years to even find someone that holds my attention, and shows me love of this magnitude, will I ever find someone else? I feel like I might be working with an impossible standard now..

I feel like my definition of being someone's boy is a little warped too. Maybe someone can explain to me the boundaries of love in this role, and how I should be perceiving it. Is it my role to be expendable? Is it my role to be somewhat of a toy, or pet? Cause this is how I feel right now..

Sorry for the long and off topic post, this is seriously depressing, and I have no one to talk to about it.

Thank you.

[NLbear]

It's OK to post that question here.

 

I am not an "Advice Auntie" in relationships, considering I haven't had one for about 20 years. But here are my thoughts on this.

 

The two guys you are seeing are both married (to men? women?), but committed to each other too. As I see it you are indeed their "toy" to play with when they feel like it. They may like you a lot or even love you but they have each other and their partners as well. They will never break that off to be with you exclusively. So if you ask "am I expendable?" Yes you are.

 

In my viewing you will never get into a relationship with either A or B. You need to find someone for yourself.

It sounds like you are happy when you meet with them, but unhappy with the situation.

 

Move on. It's OK to play with them once in a while but you need to find someone else who is there for you. Even if it is just a FB. To put it bluntly: find an alternative. Otherwise you will be stuck in this "relationship" forever and never get anything satisfying out of it.

[drscorpio]

You can't heal from a broken heart while staying close to the person. You need some time away from them. After some healing being friends with thses guys should be a possibility again.

Seeing a counselor would probably be very helpful, too.