I Dont Know How To Be Gay

[gaynevets]

I don't know how to be gay. I mean, I'm really good at gay sex and have had many, many partners; I love being a submissive bottom cum slut and I love everything about being with another man.

But, I grew up "straight". I'm 50, now. My gaydar works OK, I can usually spot a gay man but I am clueless how to approach one, clueless on how to make myself approachable, clueless on how to initiate flirting with another man.

I'm not shy. At sex parties, bath houses, book stores and such I'm not afraid to put myself out there for hookups and fucking and I've got several regulars" I've met on gay hookup sites that I can count on for a good time.

But I don't know how to approach men I think are gay, outside of those venues.

Any advice?

[houbtmbtch]

You don't need to try to be gay. Just because you accept who you are, that doesn't mean you change who you are. I was a late bloomer; married, the whole bit. Acted straight and passed fairly well. But it was an act. Now that I have been in the community (family) for many years, I just treat others with sincerity and kindness with a little flirtyness thrown in. I find it works pretty well. I find I am attracted to a friendly face more than a closed one. Give it a try. If it works, great, if not, try something else. Just be you.

[whorepig]

Well you have made it this far and sound quite successful at hooking up.  I am sure you would not simply approach a stranger and enquire if he was gay, I would stick to primarily gay venues, and there is no one way to be gay, just be yourself, that in itself will be very refreshing.

[SimplyBred]

I grew up straight too and never really had any doubts about my sexual orientation until I found a 'girly mag' whilst cleaning up which belonged to my ex girlfriend. Could not believe how aroused I got flicking through the pages looking at all those naked men! Kept telling myself I was straight as I slowly undid my jeans and slid down my briefs and jacked off... As I look back maybe I did not know how to be 'straight'? Always was a bit crap with the opposite sex but never realised I could be bi or gay!

As for my "gaydar" ... still way too nervous and scared to even make an approach unless it's in gay chat rooms!

Edited March 6, 2016 by SimplyBred

[KindaBasic]

By approaching men outside the baths and such, do you mean for dating and relationships?

[gaynevets]

Yeah, dating and relationships. Sex, I can get. I want more.

[fuckrogerbb]

I am pretty much in the same boat as you. Approaching men for sex is easy, but approaching men for a relationship is a whole different thing.I tend to be very shy in those situation. many times if I do approach some they think I am just looking for sex, but I'm not. I don't know what I do wrong, but being friendly and showing interest in the person doesn't work for me.

[bbzh]

One of the best ways to meet other gays is through your hobbies and other interests. It doesn't even have to be a gay social event, although if you live in a bigger city, those should be easy to find. Or you could simply search profiles on gay websites for people with similar interests.

 

I started playing sports with a guy I met on the chat lines a few months ago. We haven't fucked and I have no plans to (he's not my type). It's actually quite nice not to have that sexual tension when we meet up. I can tell he's not that experienced sexually. Oftentimes, I'm sitting across from him thinking, gosh what would be think if he knew I take anonymous loads?    

[Guest btchbyl]

wtf? there is no right way to be gay. you are who you are period. being gay is just a small part of what you are. it doesnt define who you are as a man. 

Edited March 9, 2016 by btchbyl

[KindaBasic]

I get it. Getting fucked is the easy part, but learning to date after being "straight" is a bit of a challenge at first.

[Jamie85]

I was puzzled at the topic at first, but, after reading, I understand I think.  Hookups/sex is one thing.  Relationships are something else altogether.  I've sucked several guys off but only been fucked by one guy.  That's still not the point I think.

Being in a steady relationship with one man and finding him?  That's something completely different.  So many facets there.  Nobody pays attention to two guys rooming together.  I suppose the question comes down to who knows who's gay and why does it matter if they do?

I'm married to a female, but only deal sexually with males for the past few years.  She says I'm bi but I play gay. 

You have to decide for yourself. 

If it's your concern what the world thinks of you, ask yourself how it affects you financially, job wise, family wise, then make your decision.

That being said, family is pretty strong.  Either they love YOU or they don't, gay or otherwise.

 

Hope I understood your question.

[tallslenderguy]

Hi gaynevets,

 

Cool question, thanks for putting yourself out there and asking it.

 

I don't think there is one simple answer to this question. I think part of the challenge is we tend to get our ideas of relationship from what's around us, i.e., a heteronormative culture.   I see a different chemistry between two guys than there is between a man and woman, or two women for that matter. It makes sense to me that the combination would result in a different type of relationship than what we are (maybe mostly unconsciously?) familiar with and have been raised to expect. 

 

Guys from our generation have witnessed some evolution where being gay has gone from being an illness (considered such by society) to a 'normal' state of being. Most of society seems to have accepted that. Though there are sub cultures that are stuck in the dark ages still, we're definitely freer to openly express who we are now. I think that is part of the challenge though. After hiding in closets, backstreet bars and restrooms, from a society that didn't allow for us, we're now freer to be. But being accepted, and the openness that can accompany that, is still in its infancy.

 

I think gay culture lacks a lot of the components for initiating, establishing and maintaining relationship  because the opportunity for open relationship is newly available to us. 

 

I had an experience when I finally got to the place where I had processed through my homophobic upbringing and accepted who I am. I was at a Barnes & Nobel books store, buying and obviously gay book. Just the fact that I felt free to openly do so was a big change for me. When I was checking out, I was chatting with the guy ringing me up and mentioned that I had no idea if the book was any good. I flipped the book over and showed him a picture of the author saying: " I selected it because I thought the author is cute."  So many things were happening for me in that simple exchange. I didn't give a fuck what a perfect stranger thought of me and was being open about who I am (a big change from having hidden most of my life). I was further sort of flirting with a stranger, who I had no idea might or might not be gay, but it didn't matter. I was treating who I am and the fact that I thought another guy was cute as perfectly normal openly. The guy behind the counter was obviously a little surprised but smiled and agreed. It was such a simple thing, but it really felt good to just be. 

 

This is probably a way different response than you were looking for or expecting [laughing], but you managed to push a button with your question. 

 

If you are still reading, lol, beyond just exercising your freedom to be who you are and asking a guy who looks good to you (relationship wise) out on a date, there is the 21st century approach of dating sites. When it comes to dating for possible relationship vs just hooking for sex, I've had the most success with OK Cupid. For me, the profile is important, but there are also lots of questions that one can answer that the site uses to rate compatibility. When you find someone who interests you, you can compare your answers and determine chemistry on your own. Some of the questions are silly, some worthwhile, but they at least give you a start. 

 

I think a profile is also important if you are using a dating site. I believe one has to give to get. I have a long, serious and detailed profile and have also answered many questions.  

 

I think a big part of the part of the challenge in finding and establishing relationship is that a lot of guys do not know how to articulate who they are or what they want beyond the basics.  My response is almost violent when I read: "I like eating out, walks on the beach and going to the movies...." If that is the extent of a persons self awareness, they are still going to be alone even if they find someone to co-habitate with. My take is GIGO (i.e., "garbage in, garbage out"). I skip those profiles.

 

I also skip the profiles where the person is to lazy to write much, or anything at all, and says something like: "if you want to know,  just ask...." What I see when I read that is: "I am lazy and/or haven't got a clue of who I am or what I want, but I know I want, so I am looking for someone else to do all the work for me."

 

The other kind of profile I've learned to avoid is the one where the person believes they are self aware, but seem like they have been looking in a warped mirror. They often have a long list telling all the things that they are: "I am smart, intelligent, funny, good looking, kind, considerate...."  At first, this seems pretty good, but really all they are giving is their own biased opinion of themselves, which may or may not be accurate. 

 

The profiles that attract me are the ones where the person knows how to be who they are in writing. They share a slice of their life with you, their thoughts and feelings (their whys and wherefores) about a movie, or a food or a beach or a song or a person or event, or anything really. They know how to let you in and give you a glimpse of the person inside. They offer places to connect to, provide stepping stones for the journey of relationship.  

[gaynevets]

Many thoughtful responses! Thank you, all.

[Ddawg]

Gaynevets,

One of the scariest words in the English language is "Hello." As much as this is advice to you, it is also to me.

I consider a smile and a Hello as my way of opening an opportunity. No assumptions, no lies, I just present me. I heard it put "Who you are should impress them more than trying to be impressive."

There's going to be a lot of near-hits, frustrations and kissing a frog or two before you find a prince.

I've been single for ten years, a while I wasn't making opportunities, I've met a few frogs, I've been the frog, and there were some that simply weren't good fits.

Just open the opportunities, the worst thing is not knowing. Chances are if he's gay and single, he's in the same boat you are. If he turns out to be straight, pay a light compliment and move on.

G'luck!

[Vicarious]

I'm 29, drive a Ducati Panigale and a F350 along with owning a lawn care/snow plowing company so your not the only one that doesn't know how to be gay lol. I'm also very masculine and have not once been hit on in a "normal" environment. One of my favorite things to do now is watching how people react when telling them I'm gay since no one knows if I'm serious or joking. 

Edited March 20, 2016 by Vicarious