The Toughness Test

[Toon]

1980

I was a very late-bloomer. Delayed. I was a short, skinny kid and picked-on pretty much constantly in school. I also acted and talked a little like a girl. I kept trying to talk in a deeper voice, but it just sounded scratchy and obviously fake. So I became pretty much silent. It wasn't too hard because I was used to being alone. Nobody said it, but I figured out that I was an "accident" all on my own. By the time I was born, my two sisters were already teenagers. They ignored me and my parents were always tired. We lived on a farm and there were no kids my age for miles. So I just wandered around in pastures and fields and daydreamed. 

By the time I was about to start 8th grade, not much had changed. My sisters were both married with families of their own. They came home to visit sometimes. It was late July and I was just lingering on the front porch swing with a bunch of barn cats hovering around me. Through the screen door, I heard my mom and oldest sister talking:

"Well, he's not going out for football again this year. I guess that's good because he's so small and fragile. He's not really developing. He didn't even need new school clothes."

"Can he lift weights or something?"

"I can't picture him doing that. He might get hurt. Oh well, he'll always be my little boy."

"He's 13, Mom."

That was all I needed to hear. I had to grow. Somehow. What weights could I lift here in the middle of nowhere?? I'd figure out something. That evening I went behind a row of hedge trees and held my arms out straight like I was Jesus on the cross. It started to hurt after 60 seconds, 120 seconds...but I had to toughen up. I held them out until my shoulders just gave out. I could barely lift my fork at dinner that night. Still sore the next morning, I just decided to run...as fast as I could for as long as I could. sometimes I'd get so far from home, that they'd notice I was gone and come looking for me. I got addicted to pain because everybody knows the pain toughens you up. I also loved to sweat. It was like the non-toughness was seeping out of my pores. Mom finally forbid me from running so far from home. "If you want to run, just take laps around the old shed. It's flat dirt there."

So that's what I did...over and over again in temperatures that sometimes got over 100. I overdid it once or twice. You know when your sweat stops and you feel cold, that you should have already stopped a while ago. I also wasn't changing. No muscles and my voice hadn't changed at all. Once I recovered from that, I still hadn't noticed much improvement. I knew I was still girly and defective. So I upped the effort. Out in our closest pasture there was a row of junked cars, trucks and tractors. I would go look at them when I needed some comfort. So fascinating. Something that was once new and functioning was now dead and useless. My oldest sister's first car was here. It was a pink Rambler that I can barely remember when it was drive-able. I don't think I ever rode in it. I was studying it when a dangerous idea entered my head...

"The Toughness Test" is what I called it. I'd sit inside the car with all the windows rolled up. It would get unbearably hot within less than two minutes. I toughed it out as long as I could before fumbling outside, panting and feeling the hot August air soaking up my many pints of sweat. I tried to last longer and longer each time. The last time I did it, was the weekend before school started. Time was almost up and I needed to change in so many ways. I sat in the car and baked for what seemed like a long time.  The longest ever as far as I could tell. Sheets of perspiration washed over my face. This would do the trick! Once the sweating stopped, I knew it was probably best if I quit for right now. I made it out of the car somehow, but couldn't walk. my head was pounding and my vision was blurry. The wind roared through me as a thunderstorm moved in. 

 

1986

It was my last year of high school. I'd grown a lot taller and bulkier. My voice got deeper, but I didn't use it much. Once you stay silent for a long enough time, it becomes a habit and part of who you are. Sometimes I wondered if all this growth had been ignited by that one last toughness test. I remained addicted to pain and tests of endurance. I lifted weights in the gym every chance I could and ran for hours. I'd regularly run to the county line and back. When the weather was bad, I'd do hundreds of push-ups in my room.  Maybe I'd be more of a man if I could just keep pushing this gay thing out of me. Yeah, I finally heard all the words for it. I knew it was a bad thing. I could fix it. 

I went to a state college that September. It was just far enough away that it was impractical for me to live at home. I stayed in a dorm and went to classes and wrote papers. I only decided to major in journalism because you had to major in something. I read the campus newspaper daily, and wondered if I really wanted to be part of all that. The stories were usually pretty good. AIDS was a big story there and everywhere. It was a gay disease that was caused by semen. There was a big fuss about whether free condoms should be handed out to students. There was even a gay group on campus. No way in hell could I ever let another person know I was gay...even if the other person was gay too. It had dawned on me over the past months that I could never "fix" myself. I just kept quiet. 

Right before finals, there was a small story in the paper about how a male student was raped in the fitness center. They used his full name! The rapist or rapists had not been caught. I knew enough about things, that he'd most likely been fucked in the ass with a dick. That had to hurt pretty bad. And it might also mean he'd been given the AIDS virus. Poor guy. That story stayed with me for a long time. I'd never been to the fitness center. My addiction to exercise had faded for the most part. Now I was getting curious about the place. Maybe next year. I went back home for Christmas and it was as awful as I expected. Both parents commented on how much weight I'd gained...in a complimentary way, like they were proud or something. It was annoying, especially after they kept patting my stomach. The sisters were bitchy as usual and each said overly-long, religious blessings before every meal. I had to get out of there. Fast. I made an excuse for why I had to go back and left as soon as I could. 

The campus was so quiet and empty, almost haunted. Because I had nothing else to do, I went jogging. Felt like old times...even though I was a little out of practice. But the burn in my legs and lungs felt good. I missed this. I ran past the student fitness center several times. There were two cars in the lot. Something made me super alert whenever I looked at that building. I knew but also didn't know why. This would be a good time to start lifting weights again. It would be clean and empty. Maybe tomorrow...or tonight. It was open 24 hours a day and was free if you had a student I.D. 

Classes started in a week, and a few more students started trickling back. I'd been going to the fitness center every other day, getting acquainted with some of the new weights I'd never seen back in my dinky high school locker room. There was almost always a group of guys there who didn't seem too interested in lifting weights. They just sat and talked, and watched. I called them "The Owls" because they were all eyes. Three of them were guys around my age and then one older guy who was maybe a teacher or something. I got used to them and we'd nod 'hello' sometimes. It was weird that they all seemed to move in a synchronized way. Like those birds who all change direction mid-air at the same time. The owls were just part of the scenery now, and I stopped noticing them. 

The day before Winter Break was officially over, I went to go enjoy the empty gym one last time. It was almost sunset by the time I got around to it. There were more cars this time. Great. People were coming back. I'd probably have to come very early in the morning from now on. I wondered if I'd ever like other human beings. Friends would be nice some day. I went in and there six other students there, not including the owls. I focused on feeling the burn and making this workout count. Time flew by and then the sun was all the way down. I decided to shower here again. It was clean and always empty. I hated this new soap I'd swiped from home. It smelled too perfume-y. Woman soap. I'd probably just leave it here and go to Kroger's to get my regular kind. That's where my brain was at when everything changed. There were others in the shower room. I sensed them right before I heard them. The Owls? Someone else? My face was wet and soapy so I could only see that there were three of them and they were naked. Just other guys showering, but all at once? I felt my heart race...but not in a bad way. A few of the lights went off. It wasn't completely dark, but much dimmer than before. Something might be going down. 

Then I was slammed to the tiled floor. Probably broke my nose. No idea. It happened fast. One guy had ahold of my wrists and another had an iron grip on my ankles...while still another was kneeling on my back. I was helpless and in shock. I was watching this from afar. I wasn't really there. "Just cooperate or I'll break your fucking neck and stuff you in a dumpster."

I couldn't say anything because I wasn't actually there, was I? I was being attacked. I still remembered the full name of the guy who had been raped here. Was that going to happen to me now? I'd never say a word to anyone. No matter what. "I give up. I won't fight you."

"Atta' boy! See? I told you he'd be cool with this. I just knew."

I could smell disinfectant and soap and steam. My nose was bleeding pretty bad. 

"Two of us have the AIDS bug and two of us maybe have it. Which do you want first? No answer? Okay. It doesn't really matter anyway...not for you."

And then somebody spread my legs out and I felt his nude body weigh down my back. His mouth was in my ear.

"First time?" 

I made a noise that sounded like "yes"

"It'll be okay. I was eleven when my cherry got popped. You're at least older than that." His hard penis was sandwiched between my wet ass cheeks. He just kept moving them up and down, masturbating himself. If this all butt sex was, it wasn't so bad. No. Then he tried to put it inside of me and it wouldn't go in. It hurt so bad. He was excited now and very determined to drill me down there. PAIN! Holy shit! It was impossible pain, but I was old friends with unbearable pain. I could do this. I wanted to do this. This was just another toughness test. 

"Shit, man. You are so tight and not even yelling with my giant cock all the way inside you. I'm the biggest of all of us, so the rest will be way easier." And then he started thrusting urgently. I felt a part of me melt and wanting to really enjoy the sensation. I was almost there, when his body grew rigid. 

"I'm coming, kid! It's all going deep in your guts!!! YEAAH!!!"  I wish I could have felt it swirl around inside and mix with my blood.

The second guy was smaller than the first, and much quieter. He came quickly. Sometime during the third guy's assault, I had my own orgasm. It just felt so good now. Felt right. I had finally passed the ultimate toughness test. No one on Earth was as tough as me now. The last guy was so close to coming that he just had the others hold me up and cover my eyes while he pushed his dick in my mouth. I felt all of the veins against my lips. I wanted this as a reward for enduring the pain from before. It was. It was hot and tasted a little like lemons. Shit, I could live on that fluid! He still had some drops left that he pushed into my bloody nose. More tainting.

"You can uncover my eyes now. I really liked this and want to do it again. Tomorrow? I'll give you my address."

But I suddenly found out that my eyes were just closed. I was alone on a wet shower floor. I knew it really happened, though, because my nose and ass were both bleeding. I cleaned up as best I could. AIDS would be another toughness test, I guess, but I was ready for the challenge. For any challenge.

 

• AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you liked this story. I know I liked sharing it. If you're satisfied with it and want to go somewhere else on BZ now, I appreciate your time. Thank you. The actual ending is a very different and not at all sexy. A 'wood-killer', you might say. Don't read any further if that is a concern. This is something I needed to write.

 

ALTERNATE ENDING

August 22, 1980

It was 102 outside and yet everybody was out looking for Judy Irwin's missing son. At first his mom and dad thought he was just hiding somewhere because school was starting soon. Then when a full 24 hours went by, they went driving around before finally calling the sheriff. The mother worried he'd started his peculiar running habit and been hit by a truck. Those truckers drove so fast and so crazy in that area. Or maybe he'd been kidnapped. Everybody looked and everybody made phone calls. Now half the county was out searching for the boy. Irwin was still darkly tanned by the long days out working in the field, but the tan only barely covered the pale panic he felt. Damn kid! He had always been odd, but this was too much. The boy's brother-in-laws were both pitching in, calling his name: "JESSE!!!!"

By the third day, the panic was slowly giving way to grief. The drought that Summer had dried u all the creeks and ponds. Fewer neighbors showed up for the search. The mother stayed by the phone. She hardly slept and couldn't remember the last time she ate. She worried that she had failed the boy. Ever since she had her hysterectomy, she'd nearly forgotten about him. Jesse was a new teenager and probably feeling a lot of things he wanted to talk about. He was just a strange boy who did strange stuff at times. She nor her husband knew what to make of Jesse at times. If he came home, she wouldn't make him go back to school. He could miss a year or be tutored. She just wanted him home.

Irwin was feeding the cows and trying not to fall apart. It was almost supper time and the sun was getting lower and pinker in the sky. He adjusted his overalls a bit because they were a size too large. This was probably his fault, he thought. He kept forgetting about that boy. He was a hard-working man with no time for trying to understand this weird kid. He didn't know much about the boy. Well, he knew that Jesse liked old cars. He loved going with Irwin when he went to the junkyard in Hullard to look for parts. It was the only thing they shared---the love of junk and old cars. He'd never thought to look in his own private junk collection under the hedge trees. There wasn't anything there that could hurt him badly. He might be hiding there...but for four days? He'd need food before that long, right? 

His steps quickened as he saw the row of old cars and assorted wreckage. He searched and searched until finally arriving at Linda's old Rambler. That horrible heap of a car. He saw the boy inside. Still and blistered and covered by flies. 

Irwin carried the small body up toward the house. He gave out a cry that sounded almost like the note of a song. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lynn1964]

Hol cow! I am awestruck! Toon, your stories always leave me in a state of some sort. Always happy though and thrilled to have been a part of your amazing skills. The rape/forced sex/non-consensual, all fantastic dick hardening fantasies that a high percentage of us have. Most won't admit to it but with the freedom we enjoy here on bz, there are more that will at least say they have thought about it.

That first paragraph is me and my life to a t!!! Yeah, I'll admit that. I was the "queer", "pansy", "fag". My voice never changed with puberty. In fact, I don't think I went thru puberty at all except that I got hair under my pits and on my pubes, arms, legs. None on my chest though. My cock stayed the same, sad to say but there is no denying the truth as you deal with it day in and day out. I still say I have a girl voice. When people talk with me on the phone, those that do not know me say yes mam' or mam', Ms M_______. At 53, I deal with it. I even tried the weights. Got a big set of barbells and dumb bells for my 14th or 15 b'day. Didn't last a year as nothing was happening and it was boring and there was no one to teach me how to use them, what to do with them. Lots of the remaining story pertains to me. With one huge difference. For college I got 2 hours away from home. Just far enough to not have frequent visits and just far enough to nort go home every weekend. And Lynn blossomed!!!!! I got friends and we did stuff and all over UAB was stuff for all to do and, I was only 20. living in an apt of my own. I could get into the gay bars, at the time in the city, there were 5 and I knew them all and frequented them all after I was being let in underaged. I knew all the owners. They all wanted to fuck me. A few did. Most didn't. I wised up quickly and got what I wanted while teasing what was wanted. But I blossomed into a fun guy with tons of sex everynight and friends. OMG, real friends. Thankfully, I didn't endure a rape. Now, in our fantasies, it's awesome and our attackers give what that which we are missing. In real life it's wrong, plain and simple wrong and we should do our part to help it not happen and to help those it's happend to. Look at the rates of teen suicide. What do you bet the main cause is? Forced sex!!! Probably from a family member. I won't get further on that soapbox.

Toon, your newest baby has been born and he's a big total joy!!!! We all will help with the raising of this big boy so he grows and flourishes. You took a great many of us on your runs and into your gym and yes, many were there with you in that shower, aching for you.

Breathtaking!!!! You know Toon I want to say more but I can't.

1-4-3!

Oh, your part 2. That story has happened so much this summer and in summers past. It's a tragedy on a family and it will ruin a family, break them apart grieving is strong and must be done by each individual affected and in their own time. Grief cannot be rushed although employers do their best to get it over.

Incredible work Toon. Some of your best I have had the pleasure to read!!!

I'll be anxious to see where your writer's hand is led next.

your DD19666

[Beefypervpigphx]

Omg   I <3 u 

[Beefypervpigphx]

There is so much I want to ask you 

[Toon]

7 hours ago, Beefypervpigphx said:

There is so much I want to ask you 

Ask away!

[Beefypervpigphx]

Which of the characters in any of your stories doumost identify with