How to "de-poz" my brain?

[Guest unitedforces91]

I'm HIV neg and want to remain HIV neg. I have no problem having sexual relations with poz guys. I just want out of this sick fantasy of deliberately getting HIV.

I know there is a vocal group here who are either neg or poz and are against pozzing. And I know there is an even larger group here who are pro pozzing, at least in their minds, who will no doubt drop by here with their tired, generic "just give in to your fantasies" bullshit. That is all well but I've had my fun with this fantasy and don't want to let it continue even further ruining my sex life, for I can no longer enjoy sex or fantasy without poz coming into it. I am so desensitized by it.

Besides, I am not the right guy for becoming poz. If I accidentally did get HIV, I would go on meds immediately. Unlike the rest of you chasers, who think you're not going to go on meds. Or the poz guys who haven't been on meds for years and get kicks out of it. No thanks, I'm not into dying an excruciatingly painful and pointless death just for a fantasy. But I'm not against those who do, after all this is fantasy and fun, just that I've had my fun and want to take my leave now.

Quitting this website for one is a thing I can do. Also quitting all types of porn, which will be harder. However I don't think this is going to erase poz fantasies from my mind completely. This isn't the first time I've tried to go cold turkey on this fantasy just by quitting porn and not looking at forums and stories. It didn't work then, and it sure ain't going to work now especially since the fantasy has evolved and become stronger.

I've started PrEP now, so at least I'm at least partially eliminating the risk. But I don't know if that will help eradicate the poz fantasies or promote it, since I am now saying 100% goodbye to condoms. 

What else can I do to normalise my sex life again? Like I said, I can't enjoy sex or cum from jacking off unless I think about various poz/STD fantasies. I'm worried that it's always going to be "there". This will not only hamper my sex life but also prevent me from enjoying a long term relationship.

 

[fillmyholeftl]

You've started PrEP... You're 98%+ protected against contracting HIV...  Don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you may need some therapy to find the deeper reason.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, fillmyholeftl said:

You've started PrEP... You're 98%+ protected against contracting HIV...  Don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you may need some therapy to find the deeper reason.

This is the best solution for the time being, you are on the right track if this is really what you desire, but sorry to tell you, even though many will not admit to this, about all of us here have been in this same situation in the beginning.

Sorry to tell you though, once the knowledge and fantasy has been implanted into your mind, it grows and will always be there, and for some, as we know, fantasy manifests into reality eventually. It's not just a switch that can be turned on and off for most.

fillmyhole has given you the best advice, stay on the PreP and if the fantasy and urges get to be too much, definitely seek out the help from a therapist to get it all sorted out.

[rawsatyr]

We all can't help how we are feeling about sex and kinks so your honesty is appreciated! Being on here is a bit of a mixed bag for me too: 'theoretic' thrill-rides next to total buzz-kills... for the most part when others words and fantasies are killing my buzz, I try to 'evade', quickly leave chat as I'm losing my boner - I can't help it I'm not turned on AT ALL by anything incest or purposely picking up avoidable 'social scourges' as though it was part of a rare stamp-collection demanding completion. I have come a long way:  I recall my innocent 'shame' when I (as a twink novice to the scene) picked up crabs at a sleazy, second-hand, gay clothing store in Weho on Santa Monica Boulevard. I had no sex with anybody at the time, so no hot memories to associate with the 'conception' of the hideous bastard child...lol Some GIFTER passed on his nasty crabs! Good thing I had a 'slut-mentor', a much older bro ( no sex with him ever) who helped me through DEALING with it! But I was tuned off to 'the scene' for a long time thereafter.

But we all change, for better or worse. I was once a vanilla player, deadly afraid of 'the bug', any bugs, the BIG one and the tiny crawly ones, afraid and avoiding guys who GET AROUND TOO MUCH ... I passed up on so much fun, on 'dream-boats' of sex-gods, (like say Donato and Tommy) after it appeared clear we were gonna be 'bros together' but I wasn't ready to get on THEIR poz team! By accident is one thing, but not by fatal attraction (retro perspective) I recall how I suddenly freaked - holy fuck - when I found out that 'the hottie' who wanted to fuck me bare for the one-night-stand 12 hours ago, and whom I AT THE LAST MOMENT urged - 'are youto put on a rubber (on his huge MAGNUM-rubber-requiring cock) casually told me over breakfast the 'morning-after' he has been poz for so many years... HOT FEAR and paralyzing responses followed. Worries for months IF I had dodged the bullet or if I by freak chance 'got burned'. 

I went into self-imposed exile (into the backwoods of America) into the deceptive security of serial monogamy hoping to survive as 'the last man standing' proving the fundi-nuts that we aren't ALL going down with the 'scourge' they claimed some hateful deity had designed for us...

I never expected my last 'serial monogamy' partner, an innocent college graduate from Arkansas, carried the dreaded bug and had already passed it to me by the time a random belated test ( after some serious illness he had) brought out the truth. I went into self-loathing and asexuality for years. Lost my MOJO (as Austin Powers always said) and had hardly any interest to top. Feeling like discounted, expired meat and wallowing in self-pity. When I caught my rejected-feeling man 'cheating in fantasy' with dudes on the apps, I FINALLY broke through... a truce was brokered. We will BOTH play, HARDCORE and BARE! Thrilled and tickled, ELECTRIFIED to learn there is an underground poz-scene and those who 'know how to play with fire' without fear... what a revelation... the fearless, promiscuous BAREBACK BROTHERHOOD! All the forbidden fruit now legalized! Although I'm abhorred by guys 'chasing' or shocked by guys wanting to spread whatever untreated bugs they pick up, I'm now more at ease. I actually have been pursuing contact with several of the fun players whom I had avoided after finding out there were poz. Now I think I inadvertently want 'PENANCE' for shunning them, wanting their poz cocks and feeling like I won't be complete until they blast their belated POZ loads in me... yeah, something is 'wrong' in my head! LOL 

Now sex with a rubber on is just lame, something I avoid when the proposal comes up. Sex with a negative guy, I'm still not comfortable with, although as 'undetectable'  and players on PREP I'm easing up. Anon bareback sex is really hot, but so far I have only allowed the stranger to breed me, walking out with his jizz and retaining it to full absorption as if on a cloud! Knowing a dude is POZ is an extra thrill-ride... by belated 'conversion' and penance for being so arrogant. Yes all just in the head but so are many fetishes that require no apologies. The 'poz-talk' while having bareback sex (the only real sex I count) 

I love my more fearless attitude. If I hooked up with a dude seeing an active case of STD I'd tell him: "Damn, fool! Take care of that shit! Call me when that clears up!" If he was poz and not on meds (preferably not one of those 'special cases' proud of their untreatable strains)... well I'd ride it, feeling like an immortal riding into battle on a black stallion! 

[evilqueerpig]

Stay on PrEP, take it religiously and maybe eventually, your mind will allow you to deal with your poz fantasies.

[Guest GoneFishing]

1 minute ago, evilqueerpig said:

Stay on PrEP, take it religiously and maybe eventually, your mind will allow you to deal with your poz fantasies.

training wheels