how can I (neg) help convince my undetectable partner it's okay to cum inside me?

[mynameismarmot]

To preface everything, I just wanna say that I'm negative and would prefer to stay that way.

title says it all. I'm currently HIV negative. my partner was diagnosed HIV positive fairly recently before we met, and he takes his ART religiously. his current VL is less than 20 copies per ML. I have seen his paperwork and have met his doctor, so I am sure he is telling the truth.

we discussed it and because we're monogamous we decided to fuck without protection. It just adds a level of intimacy we both crave. both of us feel confident in this decision.

both of us are totally verse, which is great. when I top I always cum in his hole (just the way he likes it) but when he tops he almost always insists on pulling out. there have been a handful of times he has bred me, usually when I'm in control and milk his load out of him or when he just loses control and doesn't stop himself in time. he immediately feels guilty about it every time it's happened.

I get tested every 2-3 months and have so far tested negative (even after taking those few of his loads). to me, this is definitive proof that U=U and treatment as prevention works.

I have spoken to my partner about it, but he is just scared that he might infect me. I know I can't make him do anything he doesn't feel comfortable doing, but would love some input to understand where he is coming from.

Any undetectable tops out there? Are you ever worried that you'll transmit the virus to someone else (despite current research)?

Any serodiscordant couples? How do you deal with ideas of risk and transmission prevention?

[punaman]

My husband is POZ/UD and like you, I'm neg.  When I met him 4 years ago, I googled the shit out of Google and discovered the "Partner Study" which since has proven that U=U. I emailed him (we were only dating at this point for a month)and told him it's fine for him to cum inside me.  It took him about three more months before he stuck it in me without a condom and came. Most times he'd just rub my hole and cum between my legs. He's very proactive on his meds and is not one of the ones that want to infect the world. Now, four years later, he cums inside me every two or three days and I'm still neg.  We've been married almost two years now, and having his cum in me is how it should be.  Tell your partner, no worries-read up on the information and give you what you want and enjoy it. It's been proven and I am an example of how true the study is.  Even our doctor has us on the once a year HIV test as he sees it as a waste of time and money as long as my husband takes his meds.  I am not worried of him giving me HIV and am enjoying an active and fulfilling sex life with an HIV+ husband. (and I don't take PREP)

[Veytoss]

You need to ask him:

"What do you need to trust yourself and let you cum inside me?"

[renovers82]

Your boyfriend is trying to protect you; your best bet may be to protect yourself.

Consider getting on PrEP - this may provide the assurance he needs.  PrEP is far more effective than condoms. Also, the Truvada co-pay assistance is now at $7,200 which is likely enough to pay your entire deductable (and Co-pays) for the year if you have health insurance.

My insurance maximum out-of-pocket is a little under $5k, so the Truvada co-pay makes most of my other medical costs free.  I’d look into that so he can become more comfortable with cumming inside you. 

[hotguy02]

On 3/15/2019 at 3:58 AM, punaman said:

My husband is POZ/UD and like you, I'm neg.  When I met him 4 years ago, I googled the shit out of Google and discovered the "Partner Study" which since has proven that U=U. I emailed him (we were only dating at this point for a month)and told him it's fine for him to cum inside me.  It took him about three more months before he stuck it in me without a condom and came. Most times he'd just rub my hole and cum between my legs. He's very proactive on his meds and is not one of the ones that want to infect the world. Now, four years later, he cums inside me every two or three days and I'm still neg.  We've been married almost two years now, and having his cum in me is how it should be.  Tell your partner, no worries-read up on the information and give you what you want and enjoy it. It's been proven and I am an example of how true the study is.  Even our doctor has us on the once a year HIV test as he sees it as a waste of time and money as long as my husband takes his meds.  I am not worried of him giving me HIV and am enjoying an active and fulfilling sex life with an HIV+ husband. (and I don't take PREP)

I'm on the same situation as you are.    

[Guest BBBoyfromTN]

On ‎3‎/‎18‎/‎2019 at 12:44 PM, renovers82 said:

Your boyfriend is trying to protect you; your best bet may be to protect yourself.

Consider getting on PrEP - this may provide the assurance he needs.  PrEP is far more effective than condoms. Also, the Truvada co-pay assistance is now at $7,200 which is likely enough to pay your entire deductable (and Co-pays) for the year if you have health insurance.

My insurance maximum out-of-pocket is a little under $5k, so the Truvada co-pay makes most of my other medical costs free.  I’d look into that so he can become more comfortable with cumming inside you. 

Couldn't agree more. I get why he's worried, because what if there's a change in his VL between visits and suddenly he has a detectable load? You say you're both monogamous but what if he isn't and he gets exposed to a different strain? There are risks you take in having him fuck you bare and cum inside you. I have a good bud who finally started dating guys and it turned out his BF was poz. His BF went on meds but wanted to stop fucking my bud bare and cumming in his ass. That wasn't gonna work for my bud so he went on Prep and that was the perfect solution for them (well...and also for my bud, who started getting fucked bare by other guys too).  

[Guest gwmcatcher]

I’ve been poz/UD for 15 years. My husband is neg. We will be together 28 years next month. Never used condoms.  He bred me a lot the first 10 years and even started fisting. He LOVES to fist. 

When I was first diagnosed we pretty much stopped having sex for many years although we each played around very occasionally with full knowledge of the other. 

About 4-5 years ago we started bb fucking again. I’m so sorry we stopped. In hindsight I wouldn’t have  but we didn’t really know about U=U then. 

In hindsight I should have figured the risk is very small of transmission. After all, he was breeding me a lot in the likely 2 years between my infection and diagnosis. 

Id like to hear more about the experiences of  other similar couples.  

Did anyone else reduce/ stop barebacking with your partner or husband after becoming poz and later regret it?

[leaker30]

My husband has been undect for almost 20 years now. We never have used condoms. Not when we were dating and not since we've been married.

He gets his bloodwork every fews months and there has never been a problem. 

A person who is truely undectable and takes their medication as scheduled cannot infect someone. There literally isnt' enough viral particles in their semen to do it.

I also eventually went on prep but it's more of a protections when I'm having sex with other guys who's status I don't know or ask (which is most of them) then worried about getting it from my husband.

To be fair, I'm at the stage where I'm pretty much eh if I get it, I get it. So either way I'm not worried

Edited July 4, 2019 by leaker30