Age difference in potential relationship

[concerned1]

So about four weeks ago I got talking to a guy on Grindr ... his profile stated he was looking for "Chats, Dates, Friends". Usually I don't message profiles like this because I'm only looking for fun, so normally if a profile doesn't say "Right Now" on it , I won't bother.

However the guy was really gorgeous so I messaged him and we chatted for quite a long while and we exchanged numbers and started chatting on a daily basis. About a week after, we actually met. He came to my place and we had sex but also we chilled out together and watched some Netflix while we cuddled up. It was a really nice time and I actually felt like I really like this guy. I hadn't felt such a connection or chemistry with a guy in a very long time.

We've been in pretty much daily contact since then and he is coming over to see me again tonight. But I have a dilemma. On my Grindr profile I have my age set to five years younger than what I really am ....please don't judge me.....we all know most guys won't entertain even looking at guys over a certain age, so I felt I had to do this in order to even be able to just chat with guys on the app. I look much younger than I actually am (not just me saying that, lots of people tell me this) and so I am able to easily pass for the age at which my Grindr profile shows.

But I really like this guy a lot, and I feel we are maybe going somewhere,...like possibly heading into relationship territory. He seems to like me a lot, and I sure as hell like him a lot. I would love to get into a relationship with him, even at this early stage I do have some very strong feelings for him. I want some advice from you guys.

What do I do? When we've been speaking and when we met the first time, the subject of age didn't come up so there was no reason to mention anything (although it was in the back of my mind). I haven't specifically told him a lie....I mean, I haven't said I am five years younger than I am, but he will have obviously seen the age on my Grindr and he will think that is what I actually am. I really want to tell him my true age but I don't feel strong enough or like I have the courage to do so. Because to make this situation even harder ...he is 9 years younger than me.

I am really scared about being judged for my age, about being rejected by someone who has developed a good relationship with me and who likes me and who I like very much....things are progressing so well between us and I feel if he knows my real age and that there is almost a decade between us, this will put him off. I wouldn't view him as being shallow, I would entirely understand and I wouldn't blame him. I asked a friend in confidence about this and they told me I need to come clean about this and just deal with the rejection and heartbreak if that's what happens :(

But it's so hard. I feel he will feel like he has been deceived. Tonight's meet will be our second meet and I feel if I am to tell him, I need to tell him tonight, and not later on down the road. The longer I leave it the worse it will be, the harder it will be to tell him. It may even become impossible. Better to do this at an early stage?

This situation is really causing me a lot of heartache and emotional turmoil. Does anyone have any advice on what to do and also , if I am to tell him (which I want to), how to pluck up the courage to do this and also how do I actually go about saying it? :(

 

 

[Spunkinmyarse]

You’re right, you really need to tell him, and you’re right again- you need to do it now.  However, it’s probably not nearly so big a deal as you think.  Chances are he’s also lying about his age, so you might well be looking at an age gap of less than 9 years anyway.  Btw, 9 years is not a huge age gap in any case: my partner and I had 13 years between us,   and I’m sure there are many couples on here with wider age gaps than that.

Perhaps you can bring it up in a jokey kind of way.  Ask him how old he is in real years, not Grindr years- and then that opens the door for you to come clean.  You can always brush it off along the lines of, “Oh god, I’m terrible- I keep meaning to update my profile, but never get round to it- I keep forgetting that Grindr doesn’t do it automatically!”

At any event, it looks to me as though both of you are fairly young.  On here you have your birth year as 1988. Even if it is 1983, that still makes you a baby in your mid-30’s from where I’m sitting!

For most people age becomes less important as you get older, so don’t lose too much sleep over it.  Come clean next time you see him: if your budding relationship is worth anything at all, you’ll surmount this mini-hurdle with ease, and then wonder what you were worried about.  And if it does turn out to be a problem for him, well, consider yourself to have dodged a bullet: better to find out now that he’s an arsehole than find out later after investing more in him.

Edited February 17, 2020 by Spunkinmyarse

[concerned1]

Thanks for your reply. I will definitely try to get the courage to tell him when I see him tonight. His age is real, because I have seen it on I.D. So it really is 9 years difference :(

My birth year stated on here is correct - for some reason I didn't think to lie here haha.

I think you're right in saying that if he does change how he views me because of my age or if he doesn't want to continue seeing me because of this, it's better that I know it now at this early stage, rather than get hit by the bullet (so to speak) later on down the line and when the heartbreak will likely feel much worse.

What if I just get too scared to do it in person? I'm really so anxious, and I'm now thinking of telling him through a whatsapp conversation after our meet tonight. What do you think?

I'll let you know how this goes. And thanks for your reply, it means a lot.

[ejaculaTe]

Oh, to be 30-something again.... I can see that concerned1 is very inclined to reveal his real age to Mr. Potential Boyfriend, but I'm going to take the Devil's advocate role. I understand the anxiety, but it strikes me that we've conflated the question of trust and truthfulness with the question of age differences. I accept that trust and truthfulness are important in a relationship. But fibbing about one's age on Grindr isn't the same as telling folks that you're an MD when you only have a  high school diploma. Fibbing about age -- especially on a hook-up site -- is almost a socially acceptable "little white lie;" understating your age by 5 years is almost telling the truth in that context. It also seems to be rather early days to think you have to have some soul-baring conversation about your real age. What's the rush? Maybe in a couple of months and after you've spent a lot of time with him, but not yet. Of course, if you do proceed to confess, you might consider how many other facets of your life are embellished (or understated). If you come clean about your age, must you come clean about any other fibs? What does your silence in this context mean, and maybe more importantly, how would Mr. Potential Boyfriend view that silence? 

In any event, best of luck....

 

[ErosWired]

1 hour ago, ejaculaTe said:

Of course, if you do proceed to confess, you might consider how many other facets of your life are embellished (or understated). If you come clean about your age, must you come clean about any other fibs? What does your silence in this context mean,

Well, this ^ definitely. Sound relationships are built on a foundation of trust, without exception. In the grand scheme of things, strategically fibbing about your age on Grindr isn’t so horrendous. But in the absence of other information it could suggest that one of your personal traits is dishonesty. How honest or dishonest do you think you are? Do you have a walk-in skeleton closet? If you want this to succeed, be prepared to come clean about anything that could conceivably affect a relationship.

As to the age difference, I concur with others here that if he balks at it, you’d be better off without him - he’s going to be judgmental in other areas as well. But you’re not old enough to be his father, and since the issue hasn’t actually come up, you haven’t positively lied to him about it. You have no way of knowing whether or not he took your age into account when agreeing to meet you. For all you know, the extra five years may be a plus for him.

Take the bull by the horns and deal with the issue tonight. Just bringing it out will demonstrate that you have a conscience, and that’s no small thing.

[funpozbottom]

First off, the age difference isn't (or shouldn't) be that big a deal. You are close enough in age that you can relate to each other, and over time the relative difference between your ages gets smaller every year.

Second, having the wrong age on a profile also isn't that big a deal. Some sites don't update your age automatically so if you don't look at your own profile very often, you can quickly be out of date without trying to deceive anyone. Also, I don't think Grindr is known for a high level of authenticity so I doubt many users expect complete honesty.

More important than the age question is finding out what type of relationship he would like to have. You've fucked and been chatting for a month, but that means it's only been a month. there is still plenty of time to figure out if you want to be occasional fucks, on-going bed buddies, or develop a deeper relationship. Once you know which direction you are headed, the question of the age difference will most likely disappear.