I stopped with my meds

[brazilianmadlad]

Hi guys, I'm new here. From Brazil, 32 y/o.

So, yes, I stop taking anti-retroviral medication for a month now and wish to talk about a bit. It can a bit depressing, so maybe you should probably skip this. 

I was diagnosed about 5 or 6 years ago. Before this decision of stopping taking my meds, I was undetectable. I'm healthy, currently.

I stopped working when my boss out me in a meeting that I wasn't there, about 4 years ago, and since that I never worked again. I return to my parents house and spend a whole amount of time meditating and living in meditations centers, begin messing with art, but this didn't evolve much or I lost interest, my last job was 1 month living and working for a elder as a care person. So, Corona. Back to my parents house. 

I'm not seeing a point to take the meds anymore. I'd wish to go live on the streets and stop caring too much about comfort or anything, and just spend my last years being a homeless man and travelling and being on my own. 

Being here is ok I guess. I'm on the computer all day, watching all the human culture, don't have social networks or friends anymore. I sometimes think being too cozy can get you in a special state of mind that you just don't care anymore. 

I'm not really depressed. I wish everyone well. I just know that all is so pointless (for me) but I'm wishing good vibes to all. I'm just tired that's it. Tired of taking the meds and the exams and the current amount of this and that and fear of death. I'm not having fear no more. Let death kiss me if she wants me. So, if anyone read till here, I wish to ask a few questions:

- Have you ever being a homeless person? (I'm actually looking to become a hermetic and escape the city) 

- How many years one person got without being in meds (how the AIDS things evolve? and is there a way to make the virus evolve fast?) 

- Is it possible that a monastery could receive a guy like me to stay there just sweeping the floor and meditating and living my best solitary life? 

thanks 

[Guest CuriousDallas]

I know three guys who are HIV positive and haven’t gone on meds. They don’t have any symptoms and they all pretty much sound like you, they don’t want to deal with all the visits to doctors offices, taking meds, doing the blood work and the constant worry about their health. One has no intention of going on meds at all and the other two say they will if they come down with AIDS. One of them has been poz for five years, the other three years and the third guy two years. I can’t speak to being homeless but have know some guys who lived out of their cars or couch surfed and it can be a touch life unless you’re predisposed for it. I also knew a guy who essentially spent every night at the one Korean spa I would go to. He’d sleep on the couches at night and had easy access to sex with whoever was there looking. It was cheap than renting an apartment. I dunno any of this helps or not.

[tj87]

Hey friend;

I know you say you're not depressed, but it certainly sounds like it. You can be depressed and want the best for others. It's that you don't want to look after yourself or feel you're not worth it, the tiredness and wanting to be left alone.

The current crisis can throw anyone into a spiral, but if you're already reeling from a very unpleasant situation with work, and feel that you're not making progress in life and don't have a support network of friends around you, your mental wellbeing is going to disintegrate.

HIV is treatable and you're a young guy with lots to live for; the fact that you currently don't feel this is true, doesn't change the fact that there is happiness in your future - and as far as I know, Brazil has free healthcare right? So you can get treatment for free?

I'm sure there will be others here who can go into more detail but to answer your questions:

1) Though I've never been homeless, a very close friend from school lives as a hermit and traveller. It stemmed from a lack of self-esteem and his mental health has only gotten worse as time went on; his detachment from the world has left him isolated and afraid of human contact and intimacy - except when he's high (which he is more and more) - when he tells me via a string of messages how important I am to him. Though I understand the urge to shut yourself off from the world, I've seen the damage isolation does to people - you should fight that urge and work to build a support network of friends and acquaintances around you. How easy that is to do in the current climate, I don't know, but if you can seek out meetings of likeminded people; people who share your interests and hobbies and start socialising, start giving yourself purpose and structure, you will feel better again.

2) Others will be able to answer this better I'm sure - but there's no defined time limit. The aquired diseases that kill you are called opportunistic because they take advantage of your compromised immune system. If you're healthy and take care of yourself, these infections don't have much of a chance and you can live a normal life - but if you stop taking care of yourself...at some point you will most likely get sick and suffer a very tragic, preventable and unpleasant death, from a wide variety of infections and cancers.

We should all take care of our health, HIV or not, and that means regular checkups with the doctor, and medication if necessary - your status doesn't mean you have to live an extraordinary life.

3) Monastic retreats for periods of reflection are (in the UK at least) available to most people. You need to find monasteries that can accommodate you and usually they're short term stays. I do think you could find one in Brazil but i honesty think you'd be better off building yourself a little structure in your life - you can always go on a retreat later on.

 

You're not alone, I know you feel like you are. There are people out there, myself included, sat on the other side of the planet, writing to you right now to tell you that this is a blip on the road of life that you can and will overcome. Your life is precious and you feel right now is a result of some terrible circumstances all piling on top of each other, but you will feel better one day. 

Don't make any decisions based on how you feel right now. Keep taking care of your physical health while you work to mend your mental wellbeing and then when you're feeling better, ask if you still want to live in the way you described.

 

[Pisapis]

I think it is a little bit strange that you wrote about it on this site. 

Anyway, I think no one should just let himself go like this. 

It's not that being on the street, refuse society and stop meds is universally wrong. But the way you are thinking, man... it just seems you would love stop living, and that is SO wrong. You are 32, healthy, with a lot of years to spend having sex, eating, chatting, trying to understand something of this wonderful universe which is around and inside us. Why letting all of this go? Why wasting your chance?

Just 'cause u are bored of pills and stigma and general problems in your personal life? 

Problems are made to be solved. There are chances hiv will be eradicated from human bodies in the next years. And MOST OF ALL, there are people out there who would love to take some pills to survive, but they do not have this chance, and they have to leave here alle the beauty and the love of their families and of the nature.

Please now sit down, meditate some more, and try to think about this shit from another point of view.

 

 

[1000GUYS]

i think you have some mental issues... you're having self destructive behavior, you not depressed but the void in your heart is making u feel worthless... seek help otherwise youll die