Making up my mind to "graduate"

[Guest CreamedHole]

I feel like a phoney; I am not even gay (given that it takes more than liking anal sex to be called one). I’m just a guy identifying himself in all those bimbos anally screwed and creamed on various porn websites. I’m not even gender dysphoric, but that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

For ten years, I have been fantasizing about making what I see on the screen a reality for me. Having cum pumped in my ass would validate my whore condition. Obviously, I haven’t had the guts to take the step and actually doing it.

However, for about two years, slowly, slowly, thoughts started to creep into my mind about having anal sex with HIV+ men, to acquire the virus. Why? I suppose to help me make up my mind. Or maybe to gain validation in my own eyes that I am not actually a fraud, but a pig. What an aspiration!

Needless to say, I still don’t have the guts to do it. Two forces are struggling inside me, the dark one gaining terrain by each crisis. What crisis? I have been living my life in cycles: roughly two months of complete abstinence and chastity, followed by three to four weeks of self-debauchery (watching porn and masturbation). Eventually, after draining my balls, I resume my “politically-correct” life.

Now I am in the middle of yet another crisis wherein I strongly consider getting blackmailed just to to be “helped” over the edge. I don’t even believe that HIV+ men would want anything to do with me (I’m HIV-, not on Preps, no STD’s), probably because of ethics – infecting others may not be acceptable. And yet, I keep playing with fire, hoping that one day I’ll get burnt.

The question is: presented with a room full of positive cocks, would I surrender my ass to each and every one? Right now, the answer is “YES!”, given the opportunity. What will be my answer in two weeks, once I’m out of crisis and back into my mundane, “normal” life?

I’m sorry I used so many words, but I feel I should be “coming out” and be honest for once.

[leatherpunk16]

You're in the right place! 

It can be hard to make that statement. I certainly struggled with it until I admitted I was a bugchaser. These feelings are normal. You are not a fraud or imposter. This is just who you are, or who you wish to become. And if you stick around, we will be here to support your journey, whatever that might be. 

PS - poz men do indeed like men like yourself: negative and unprotected. And if you want the bug, pursue it long enough, and it should happen. Just be aware of the consequences of your choice.

[Guest cjdupont]

I understand.  I go through my slut and chastity periods myself.  

[Breedthisslut]

On 1/20/2021 at 7:18 PM, cjdupont said:

I understand.  I go through my slut and chastity periods myself.  

I was hot and cold like that myself for many years. I was a prolific cocksucker so I could fulfill my desires without succumbing to being fucked(which I new I loved). Sucking also gave me justification to me saying to myself that I’m bi. There was 10 years of one needing a cock to swallow followed by weeks of I don’t need it. Then there was 5 years of sucking every cock and swallowing as many loads in a day as I could. 5 years I  found that I just loved a bare cock inside me and now I know that I am without a doubt a gay bottom that does not get fucked enough. I am now seeking poz guys and their loads. I’d like to say that I’m looking for a boyfriend, but being monogamous is just not me as I have to have variety.

[chi773lucabator]

I’ve been in this phase currently for the past year. For me, getting over the fear is the biggest hurdle and just accepting what is ahead and dealing with it seems to be my goal I suppose. I use to bottom when I was younger but been a top for several years and it’s been kinda wild to see how equally supportive the poz community has been (more so than the negs) and I’ve realized I often drift into seeking out a poz encounter, where I knowingly  receive it. I rather know that I’ll get it, rather than be on pins and needles all the time. Still neg though. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by chi773lucabator

[BootmanLA]

On 3/18/2021 at 1:19 AM, chi773lucabator said:

I’ve been in this phase currently for the past year. For me, getting over the fear is the biggest hurdle and just accepting what is ahead and dealing with it seems to be my goal I suppose. I use to bottom when I was younger but been a top for several years and it’s been kinda wild to see how equally supportive the poz community has been (more so than the negs) and I’ve realized I often drift into seeking out a poz encounter, where I knowingly  receive it. I rather know that I’ll get it, rather than be on pins and needles all the time. Still neg though. 

You don't have to be "on pins and needles" all the time if you're on PrEP. Getting HIV is no longer the inevitable consequence of repeated episodes of bareback sex.

Now, if you WANT to be poz - for whatever reason - that's one thing. But if you have fears, that's your brain telling you this is something to think about, and there's a way to handle it - by protecting yourself while indulging in the sex you like.