[Bare Confessions] How I became Poz

[Bareconfessions]

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I was having a conversation with someone recently about how I ended up Poz, so I thought I might share the story. I have to go back almost two years before that day to tell you the whole story, but it is all connected.

I met Tim on AOL, in a local Chat room. It was 1998, and I was looking for a guy to hang with and maybe sex with regularly. Tim was almost everything I was looking for on both sides. He was masculine, liked sports and men. We talked for a while on AOL, and finally, One night I met him at the local college bar where he bartended. He was working, but I hung at the bar and he kept refilling my beer while we talked. As the night winds down, he come out from behind the bar and tells me to head to the women’s room, that he’ll meet me there in a second. I knock first, but no one is in the women’s room. I enter and lean against the door till he knocks and I let him in. He slides the lock closed, then we kiss. It is fast and messy and full of want, desire, need. He tugs down his shorts and boxers, undoes my pants and gets my cock out. After he slicks up my cock with his spit, he turns around and leans on the sink, telling me to fuck him. Not even thinking of safety, I push into him and fuck his ass. When I feel my load ready to shoot out, I start to pull out. He grabs my ass and pushes me back in telling me to put it all in him. I thrust a few more times, and then shoot a few day’s worth of seed into his ass. I stay in him as he stands up a bit and quickly jacks off his load into the sink. I pull out, and we both clean up quickly. He thanks me for the deposit, and heads back out to the bar. I wait a moment, then head back out and finish off my beer. He tells me it was great to finally meet up and tells me to call him as he slides me his number. I know I will.

That night, my life changed in several ways. I started barebacking again, at first only with Tim, but soon we’d be finding other guys to join us. We never really dated, he always told me that he couldn’t settle down. He’d introduce me to other guys who liked to fuck and get fucked bare. I’d hook up with them and then tell Tim about it, or he’d be hooking up with then and telling me about it. I was completely enamored with him, believing almost everything he said. Later, I found out so much of it was complete lies, though looking back on it all now, I wonder if he was lying to me, or to himself. His “roommate” turned out to be the boyfriend he had moved to DC with, then serially cheated on, not just with me, but with all the other guys, sometimes even in their house while the boyfriend was in the Living room watching TV. I had a long talk one night after the shine had come off of Tim for me, and he knew it was all going on, but Tim’s Charisma was just so great, you wanted to be around him no matter what. Tim was a complete asshole, I knew him from 1998 through 2002. Through all that time he constantly insisted that he was 27. I have no idea what his real age was, but I think he was in his 30’s when I met him. He also believed in stealthing guys he or we would hook up with; weather it was pretending to put on a condom, or putting on one of the condoms he had prepped with a tack so that the tip was ripped and would rip down his cock when he pushed in.

Anyway, Tim and I would bet on sports, video games, all kinds of things. More often than not, these bets consisted of either fucking or getting fucked by someone of the winner’s choice. I met two very dear friends through these bets, and am glad to have them in my life. But, that is what lead to me finally becoming HIV positive. Some of this I found out after the fact, but it really showed me what kind of ass he was. The fateful day was in early August of 2001. How do I know this? I got sick right after my trip to Southern Decadence on labor day weekend with the fuck flu, though I didn’t know it at the time. Since I had actually been down there with friends and not been a slut at SD, I knew it was not something I had picked up there. And the last time I had been fucked by anyone was the day I had payed off a bet for Tim. Also, I was getting regular 6 month tests for HIV and other STDs.

That day, I met Tim at his place, and he had this guy already with him. We were introduced, and proceeded to get to it. I really wasn’t in the mood, so it was basically, I dropped my pants while Tim got the guy ready by blowing him. I honestly don’t remember lubing up my ass, but maybe I did. Once the guy was ready, he bent me over the bed and pushed in. I do remember that he was fairly large, larger than I was used to, and that it hurt as he pushed in. He fucked me while Tim watched and Tim kept putting his hand down to feel the cock sliding in and out of me. When the guy was close, Tim told him to make sure he shot it deep in me. The guy pushed in a final time and shot what felt to be a huge load deep into me. After he had pulled out, we got dressed again, then walked him out. As he left, he thanked me, and gave me his e-mail. As he was leaving, Tim tussled my hair and kissed me on the back of the neck.

When I finally got tested a few days before the 9/11 attacks, I was dreading the results. When I went back to get my results, they took me into this private room, a thing I had never had happen before. I was told I was Positive. A part of me had known, but it still scared me and made me angry. A week after this, I was fired from my job. I was now jobless and HIV positive. I had also met a guy just before my trip to NOLA, we had played safe at his instance, I guess it was luck for him. But he couldn’t handle it and ended our blossoming relationship before it really began. He also tried to out my status to mutual friends, but the first one he tried to tell told him to shut the fuck up if he wanted to keep us as friends too.

In my trying to find out when it had happened, because the Doctor I was provided with at the free clinic said that since I knew when I had gotten sick, they could pinpoint the conversion to within 2 months or less before the sickness started, I contacted the guy who had fucked me that day at Tim’s. He admitted to me that he was Pozitive, and had a high VL. Tim had told him that we were chasing, but to tell me he was neg if I asked, which I had that day. He apologized profusely, and swore that in the future he would not lie like that again. I have no idea if he did or not.

The next time I saw Tim was at a bar near my place. As we were walking back to my place, I asked Tim if he had done it on purpose. He finally admitted the truth to me and said that he had, and that now he could knock me up with it and we’d spread it out, be the fathers of a whole bunch of Poz boys. I was so angry at him that when we got back to my place; I grabbed him, pushed him down onto the bed on his stomach, pulled down the back of his track pants and boxers and shoved my cock into his hole with no lube and no foreplay. I kept asking him if this is what he wanted as he cried and begged for me to not hate him. He never asked me to stop or not breed him, just not to hate him. He’d often show up after that night when he was drunk and ask me to fuck him rough again. I know that when he finally left the area with a new boy for Michigan, he was still neg. How do I know this? His roommate was a buddy of mine and he had seen the most recent testing his boy had made him get. I think it is lucky that he didn’t convert back then.

Yes, I love to have sex bareback, but I never force it and I never stealth. I hate what was done to me, and I want to make sure that it doesn’t happen to others, at least through me. I hope that some of you will understand this and where I am. I don’t judge you, and respect the choices you make. Just as I hope you can respect my choices and decisions.

R.

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[boywonder]

great post.

[cuBByinga]

Amazing post. I want to give this man a gigantic hug

[Hotload84]

An interesting posting. While I can't condone the behavior of Tim or Tim's friend, I also think the narrator shares responsibility for this conversion: common sense says (a) guys will lie, and ( if one is bottoming and wants to remain negative, the most prudent, if not guaranteed way of remaining negative, is to insist the top use condoms. The situation for a neg top who barebacks and wants to remain negative is, of course, statistically somewhat different.

[batnap3693]

I love this post

[Naturalherb]

An interesting posting. While I can't condone the behavior of Tim or Tim's friend, I also think the narrator shares responsibility for this conversion: common sense says (a) guys will lie, and ( if one is bottoming and wants to remain negative, the most prudent, if not guaranteed way of remaining negative, is to insist the top use condoms. The situation for a neg top who barebacks and wants to remain negative is, of course, statistically somewhat different.

umm, i hole-heartedly disagree... tops are at the EXACT same risk as bottoms for catching HIV. particularly if the bottom has already taken load(s) Wanna know how i know... i'm a total top who is now Hiv+ from being lied too. so i empathize with the poster... i completely don't get, condon, or even understand stealthing in the slightest and have banned/blocked FAR too many who ask me to poz them or to help in conversions.