Just Good Friends ? 😀

[Carlos1881]

Some people have an easier time establishing and maintaining friendships than others. And some of us long for closer friendships or try to figure out why an existing or promising relationship fizzled out.. 

So what’s important to you in a long-term friendship ? 
 

Look forward to hearing your thoughts guys? 

Karl😀

[AirmaxUK]

I've always imagined friendships like orbits -

• the core for your partner and immediate family 
• the inner circle for the people you trust implicitly and can rely on (and vice versa). 
• a middle orbit of people who for one reason or another haven't earned the right to be in the inner circle yet or are a little flaky.   
• outer orbits are people who are best described as acquaintances or the very flaky. 

I'd say a few work colleagues are in the middle circle. Most in the outer orbits. 

I noticed that during the covid lockdown it was really only my inner circle that reciprocated efforts to communicate and stay in touch. My middle and outer orbits are very thin on people post covid lockdown. 

As to the original question - what do you look for...? Earned trust. Putting you first when you need it. Being reliable. Being consistent. Being more of an asset than a burden. Reducing (not increasing) the amount of drama in my life.    

I will say that I have had the misfortune to know two sociopaths and the experience has made me very wary of others, which is a shame, but necessary. 

Edited May 23, 2021 by AirmaxAndy

[BootmanLA]

6 hours ago, AirmaxAndy said:

I've always imagined friendships like orbits -

• the core for your partner and immediate family 
• the inner circle for the people you trust implicitly and can rely on (and vice versa). 
• a middle orbit of people who for one reason or another haven't earned the right to be in the inner circle yet or are a little flaky.   
• outer orbits are people who are best described as acquaintances or the very flaky. 

I'd say a few work colleagues are in the middle circle. Most in the outer orbits. 

I noticed that during the covid lockdown it was really only my inner circle that reciprocated efforts to communicate and stay in touch. My middle and outer orbits are very thin on people post covid lockdown. 

As to the original question - what do you look for...? Earned trust. Putting you first when you need it. Being reliable. Being consistent. Being more of an asset than a burden. Reducing (not increasing) the amount of drama in my life.    

I will say that I have had the misfortune to know two sociopaths and the experience has made me very wary of others, which is a shame, but necessary. 

With some tweaking, I think this is a pretty good model.

For many people, "immediate family" means people not related by blood or marriage, because their own blood/marriage "families" have rejected them. My own is very accepting and loving and welcomes my partner into anything family-related (he was listed with me in the survivors when my father died five years ago), but not everyone is so lucky.

I think part of the issue is bandwidth. Very few people have the emotional and interpersonal reserves to maintain large numbers of relationships at the level required for "core" or "inner circle" in your model, and competing in that bandwidth are all the other trials and tribulations of modern life, from the minor (traffic and leaky faucets) to the major (family member illnesses and job losses and the like). When something like Covid strikes, we're forced to ration that bandwidth to those who mean the most to us, in order to preserve some semblance of sanity.

I am lucky in that my job wasn't affected much at all by Covid. I can do much of it from anywhere, so lockdowns weren't an issue, and neither my partner nor I faced any financial repercussions as did so many people we know. So I was able to be "available" to several friends who were less fortunate and strengthened some bonds in the process. But I also understood that some of the people I like and whose company I enjoy didn't have that same ability.

As for the original question: In my view, a friendship is a net positive for both parties, and that's what I look for - someone who will be a net positive in my life. Not that I "keep score", but I am pretty good at spotting people who give back only reluctantly and avoiding them. Not perfect at it, but good enough to avoid the real sociopaths. 

[evilqueerpig]

To have friends, one needs to know how to be a friend, accepting others as they are and in return they will accept you.  Knowing you can tell them anything without being judged which also goes both ways.  Loyalty is also a 2 way street.

[PozBearWI]

On 5/23/2021 at 5:33 PM, BootmanLA said:

With some tweaking, I think this is a pretty good model.

For many people, "immediate family" means people not related by blood or marriage, because their own blood/marriage "families" have rejected them. My own is very accepting and loving and welcomes my partner into anything family-related (he was listed with me in the survivors when my father died five years ago), but not everyone is so lucky.

I think part of the issue is bandwidth. Very few people have the emotional and interpersonal reserves to maintain large numbers of relationships at the level required for "core" or "inner circle" in your model, and competing in that bandwidth are all the other trials and tribulations of modern life, from the minor (traffic and leaky faucets) to the major (family member illnesses and job losses and the like). When something like Covid strikes, we're forced to ration that bandwidth to those who mean the most to us, in order to preserve some semblance of sanity.

I am lucky in that my job wasn't affected much at all by Covid. I can do much of it from anywhere, so lockdowns weren't an issue, and neither my partner nor I faced any financial repercussions as did so many people we know. So I was able to be "available" to several friends who were less fortunate and strengthened some bonds in the process. But I also understood that some of the people I like and whose company I enjoy didn't have that same ability.

As for the original question: In my view, a friendship is a net positive for both parties, and that's what I look for - someone who will be a net positive in my life. Not that I "keep score", but I am pretty good at spotting people who give back only reluctantly and avoiding them. Not perfect at it, but good enough to avoid the real sociopaths. 

@BootmanLApost and....

We appear to have a popular unproductive notion that talking about politics is "bad"; which added unnecessary divisions.  Not that we should only talk politics; that would be taking an extreme view.  But the notion it is "bad" took people away when I would have preferred it bring them closer.  Talking with each other seems way more productive than having media trying to make us feel good (here in SE Wisconsin the networks have this whole feel good thing going on).  I don't listen to news to feel good.  How I feel is up to me.  I just want information.  So the notion, for example, of my local weather forecaster "protecting" me is just silly.  

Sadly this has cast divisions in my family of siblings, nieces and nephews (generation above has passed; we're next) which changed pre pandemic to now.  I am hopeful most of us will seek to regrow those. 

My immediate family is my husband.  There is an outer band of intimate friends.  Friends where there are no conversational barriers.  (I never understood how keeping secrets from my mate was ever going to be productive).  Sadly a smaller group than I prefer, but it is what it is.  I am grateful for them.  

Social network; my car club, my mens club, coworkers, neighbors have grown quite a bit over the past year.  And it might have been fool hardy to expect a rebound to exactly where we left off.  But there is an observable change here in comfort being together and increasing honest dialogue as we approach local elections as well as other things for which we share common interest.  

Quoting @BootmanLA "As for the original question: In my view, a friendship is a net positive for both parties, and that's what I look for - someone who will be a net positive in my life. Not that I "keep score", but I am pretty good at spotting people who give back only reluctantly and avoiding them. Not perfect at it, but good enough to avoid the real sociopaths. "