Navigating MONOGAMISH?

[BruxoCub]

For my partnered siblings out there:
How do you navigate the spectrum between monogamy, monigamish, polyamory, and/or simply hooking up on a whim?

Have you ever been jealous of a partner for hooking up or sexting with someone?
What's "too far?" for you?

How/When do you hookup with others if you're monogamish?
Do you bring it up after?

Is sexting more or less hooking up with someone?

Is there a way to reassure someone you're a ho for sport and husband at heart?

This topic is all over the map when I browse around, there are countless heterosexual / women's rag write-ups about cancelling people for even looking at too much porn - but we don't live on that plane of existence, I'm curious how others on this forum approach it.

[BootmanLA]

5 hours ago, BruxoCub said:

For my partnered siblings out there:
How do you navigate the spectrum between monogamy, monigamish, polyamory, and/or simply hooking up on a whim?

Generally I find (your mileage may vary) that people pick a spot on this spectrum based on their current circumstances and stay there unless the circumstances change. That is, Joe and Tom are monogamous until they agree they're not any more. Bob and Phil decided to be "monogamish" and they interpret that as they're free to have a casual fling with a stranger now and then, but it's one-off and not with friends. Fred and Mark are similar except they only allow each other to play when they're apart - one of them is traveling, the other home, and nobody talks about it when they're back together. John and Roy are polyamorous - there's nothing "casual" allowed, no rando fucking, but they date other people, either together or separately, as part of a larger extended family. Steve and Gene are a couple but they have no pretensions to monogamy or even monogamish or polyamory; they're each other's primary partner but sex with anyone else is fine, repeats or not.

In other words, you choose where you want to be along the spectrum and work it out with your partner; you don't have to work your way from one end to the other.

5 hours ago, BruxoCub said:

Have you ever been jealous of a partner for hooking up or sexting with someone?
What's "too far?" for you?

That's something the two of you have to decide for yourselves. As a general rule, if the lines are reciprocal (you both follow the same rules), then it defaults to what the "less open" person is willing to allow. That can be anywhere from "you can flirt but no touching" to "it's okay to fuck someone else". But you have to set the rules down, rather than assume you and he are on the same page. 

Note that you don't HAVE to have reciprocal lines. For instance, you might be fine with him sexting with someone but not actually meeting up. He might not want you to sext with someone else. As long as you are both comfortable with a rule that isn't exactly even, that's okay.

6 hours ago, BruxoCub said:

How/When do you hookup with others if you're monogamish?
Do you bring it up after?

Again, that's something you have to work out for yourselves. Some people have rules like "Not if we're both in town." Sometimes it's "Not if we're both at home - no bringing a guy home while I'm here, and no leaving me here alone to go out for a fuck". Sometimes it's "Not if we already have plans for something". Some of my friends just say "X guy wants to fuck me, I'll be back in an hour or so" as they leave the house and the partner's only response is "Try not to wake me up when you come in, I'm turning in early".

Some couples like the "after" discussion, some don't. Some may think they can handle it but can't once they actually start to hear about it.

6 hours ago, BruxoCub said:

Is sexting more or less hooking up with someone?

If you've agreed that it counts, yes. I'd say by default it counts as a violation of monogamy, but whether it is a problem for monogamish people is for them to decide based on what they think about outside sex in general.

6 hours ago, BruxoCub said:

Is there a way to reassure someone you're a ho for sport and husband at heart?

By being a good husband at heart. I'm assuming based on this question that you think you're more interested in non-monogamy than he might be, or that at least he's got more qualms about it. One way to be reassuring is to agree that at any point, the other partner can declare the relationship closed again, at least temporarily, while you work out issues between you. And then honor that - if he says "we need to close this down", you agree - cancel pending trick dates, let guys know you're off the market again for now. That doesn't mean you have to stay forever like that; but that's a good test for him as to whether he can accept non-monogamy, and a good test for you as to whether you can give up other guys completely if that's what's important to this guy. 

[viking8x6]

Any relationship is about negotiating a balance between your needs and the other person/people's. Communication is key.

You know what happens when you ASSUME. And that goes for what you assume about your partner(s), what you assume about others, and what others assume about you.

No one else has a right to tell you what to do. Rules (societal and otherwise) are there for a reason, which may be important, but you are the only one who gets to decide whether you follow them.

 

[theplayerking]

On 3/14/2022 at 3:07 PM, BruxoCub said:

Is there a way to reassure someone you're a ho for sport and husband at heart?

 

I don’t think this is possible unless he is naturally predisposed to feel the same way. Some guys can completely separate sex from emotion while others can’t. A guy that equates sex with emotion will always be insecure that you’ll leave him for someone else. 

[FunCheerSlut]

This is typically where fantasy and reality collide. Spoiler-alert, reality sucks. The previous responses are spot-on...it requires a constant dialogue and keeping ones-self in check. If you get greedy and start to take advantage...it can quickly become a slippery slop.

Good luck guys.

[BruxoCub]

On 3/14/2022 at 6:18 PM, BootmanLA said:

Generally I find (your mileage may vary) that people pick a spot on this spectrum based on their current circumstances and stay there unless the circumstances change. That is, Joe and Tom are monogamous until they agree they're not any more. Bob and Phil decided to be "monogamish" and they interpret that as they're free to have a casual fling with a stranger now and then, but it's one-off and not with friends. Fred and Mark are similar except they only allow each other to play when they're apart - one of them is traveling, the other home, and nobody talks about it when they're back together. John and Roy are polyamorous - there's nothing "casual" allowed, no rando fucking, but they date other people, either together or separately, as part of a larger extended family. Steve and Gene are a couple but they have no pretensions to monogamy or even monogamish or polyamory; they're each other's primary partner but sex with anyone else is fine, repeats or not.

In other words, you choose where you want to be along the spectrum and work it out with your partner; you don't have to work your way from one end to the other.

That's something the two of you have to decide for yourselves. As a general rule, if the lines are reciprocal (you both follow the same rules), then it defaults to what the "less open" person is willing to allow. That can be anywhere from "you can flirt but no touching" to "it's okay to fuck someone else". But you have to set the rules down, rather than assume you and he are on the same page. 

Note that you don't HAVE to have reciprocal lines. For instance, you might be fine with him sexting with someone but not actually meeting up. He might not want you to sext with someone else. As long as you are both comfortable with a rule that isn't exactly even, that's okay.

Again, that's something you have to work out for yourselves. Some people have rules like "Not if we're both in town." Sometimes it's "Not if we're both at home - no bringing a guy home while I'm here, and no leaving me here alone to go out for a fuck". Sometimes it's "Not if we already have plans for something". Some of my friends just say "X guy wants to fuck me, I'll be back in an hour or so" as they leave the house and the partner's only response is "Try not to wake me up when you come in, I'm turning in early".

Some couples like the "after" discussion, some don't. Some may think they can handle it but can't once they actually start to hear about it.

If you've agreed that it counts, yes. I'd say by default it counts as a violation of monogamy, but whether it is a problem for monogamish people is for them to decide based on what they think about outside sex in general.

By being a good husband at heart. I'm assuming based on this question that you think you're more interested in non-monogamy than he might be, or that at least he's got more qualms about it. One way to be reassuring is to agree that at any point, the other partner can declare the relationship closed again, at least temporarily, while you work out issues between you. And then honor that - if he says "we need to close this down", you agree - cancel pending trick dates, let guys know you're off the market again for now. That doesn't mean you have to stay forever like that; but that's a good test for him as to whether he can accept non-monogamy, and a good test for you as to whether you can give up other guys completely if that's what's important to this guy. 

Wonderful advice! Much to think about. Thank you.