denial

[johnny93x]

Hi Guys, I apologize in advance for the lengthy text. I would really appreciate your help and your experience. I really struggle accepting myself for who I am.

I am 29, Greek, generally open-minded, a bit of a nerd and bottom only. I live in a small town in the UK and big part of the town knows me because of my profession. I love bareback sex and meth but I struggle to accept it.

I used to be a safe-only type of bottom and I never even thought of bareback sex or drugs. First time I got bred  I was finishing uni and it was basically a rape, I was telling him to stop, put a condom on but he ignored me. I tried to escape but he was holding me tight and he promised to pull out, which he did. I trusted him because I knew him and we used to be sex-buddies for over a year. I didn't overthink it and told my self it won't happen again.

Second time it was a few years later while in a trip for work, in a sauna where the guy stealth fucked me. I was a bit drunk and I didn't even realise that the condom had came off and 'got lost' into my hole. I only realized once I felt him shooting his load inside me and I saw that his dick didn't have a condom off. I asked the guy about it, he said that he had a condom on and that he didnt know what had happened. Basically, he played dumb. He said that the condom must have slipped into my hole. I freaked out and he started fingering me to find the condom which he did and then he disappeared -thinking back I find that really hot-. I got to the hospital asap to get post-exposure prophylaxis.

That scene played in my mind quiet a bit and I kept getting horny thinking of the cum and the condom in my hole. A while later, I met a guy through grindr and he was into hnh. He was extremely good looking and had a massive dick so I agreed to try meet him for pnp although I was scared of drugs. We met, I tried meth for the first time, got me really horny, we started fucking and the condom broke. He told me that there is no point in putting another one on since I already had his pre-cum inside him and being high I agreed to keep fucking like that, with the broken condom tied to the base of his dick like a cock-ring. When I went home and realized what I had just done I freaked out and had post-exposure prophylaxis again.

Thinking back, I realized that I really enjoyed bareback sex more than with a condom and I loved the sensation of hot cum shooting inside me. What I loved even more was the stickiness and the wetness that it gave to my hole.

I started prep and had bareback sex and meth a dozen times and I can't stop thinking about it.

A year ago, while in London, I met a guy who really fucked with my mind. He was poz, rough looking, dominant and has the one of the biggest dicks I ve ever seen. I was really attracted to him and couldn't say no to anything he said. We met at his flat, he blindfolded me, got me high as kite - I didn't even ask him what drugs he was giving me- fucked the hell out of me, he bred me, pissed inside me, kicked me out of his flat and blocked me off grindr. I was in Central London in the middle of the night, alone, high, feeling sick and trying to hold his cum and piss from leaking to my trousers.  It took me weeks off work to recover. My body was in pain, my hole was swollen for days, my bum was bruished from the hard slapping and I even had some blood coming out of my hole. My mouth and my lips were bruished and my throat hurt when I was trying to eat or drink. I was so high when I was getting fucked that I didn't even feel any pain back then. I wasn't realizing that he was actually causing harm to my body. For a week I was in bed crying and trying to recover. I was afraid that he gave me HIV. I tested and I was negative for HIV, but he gave me syphilis and gonorrhea. That was the last time I had sex.

In a single year I got STDs 4 times! Every time I get horny I think of being high, getting load after load, being blindfolded and getting bred by anon guys that I ll never seen. I think of the last guy and how good it all felt back then, when I was high, blindfolded getting the most brutal fuck of my life. I wish I could stay there being his pet, his cumdump. I wish he would use me like that again and again and even invite others to breed my hole. I only watch bareback porn now, I get horny reading the stories here, especially the chem section. I don't think I ll enjoy safe sex because the idea doesn't arouse me at all.

I got so scared of my thoughts that I was going to destroy myself if I keep on like that so I decided not to have sex at all. I I have managed to control my urges and haven't had any sex at all for more than a year. I know that this isn't healthy either.

I am moving to London in a few months and I am worried that being there, with so easy access to chems and loads of guys I will become a drug addicted cumslut. I get horny thinking of finding that guy and asking me to use me even harder than he did last time. The idea excites me and scares me also. I don't know how to handle my desires and how to accept my sexual fantasies. I am scared of getting HIV or any other STD but I can't deny that I want to experience all that again.

How do I get to accept myself? I want to enjoy sex again but I am really scared. I am ashamed to discuss this with a psychologist and all my friends are straight and conservative. Is this life style a guarantee for getting HIV? If I m on prep, is it a guarantee that I will not contract HIV? What if deep down I want to get pozzed, so that I stop worrying about it. I have even thought that I am attracted to this life style because I don't feel worthy of a good healthy life and I want to self-destruct.

I know that most of you guys must have accepted yourselfs and enjoy your sexual passions without any regret and I admire you for that. I don't mean to judge you or disrespect you with my line of questioning. I am merely asking for your help and experience so that I can find a way forward. Thank you.

[BootmanLA]

(To the mods: I hope this stays in the public area and is not moved to the Backroom Chem sex forum, since the whole point is this guy does NOT want to become, in his words, "a drug addicted cumslut". To that end, I think responses urging him to give into this should be removed because that kind of discussion DOES belong in the Chem sex forum.)

Tough love time.

If you do not want to end up a drug addict, stop with the meth and get rehab, whether it's outpatient or inpatient. The fact that you haven't used in a long time means zero if you are not dealing with the underlying urges. I know there is a significant number of guys who use all sorts of party drugs in conjunction with sex, but frankly, most of the ones I've met have been lousy fucks.

That may mean avoiding certain environments where drug use is common. Given that you're already aware of the seductive nature of the drugs, if you don't want to get hooked, it's easier to just keep it out of your life rather than try to be around it without partaking.

Stay on PrEP. You don't have to switch to condom sex in order to prevent HIV. You do have to take PrEP according to the directions - either daily, or in advance of AND after planned sex. If you go for the non-daily schedule, you can't find yourself ready to get fucked and suddenly remember you haven't taken a PrEP dose, swallow it quickly, and get to fucking. It takes some time to spread through your system and HIV, if the top is infectious, may beat PrEP to the punch.

Otherwise, yes, PrEP is as close to foolproof as it gets. Not perfect - there are rare, occasional cases where it fails - but those are very, very rare. 

Accept that if you do continue BB sex, you are going to have other STIs from time to time. My experience is that drug addicts have more of them (partly because so many of them stop caring about treating them) and if you stick to sober sex with sober partners, that alone may reduce your risk somewhat. But nothing is foolproof.

[john54476]

@johnny93x I agree with bootmanLa whole heartedly and will add it isn't good to be beat up as you were--that is a risk of anon. encounters and can be more dangerous if the other party is getting you fucked up on drugs.  This eventually if left untreated could lead to your demise. At least inform a friend via text where you are off to, in the event you don't return.

[ErosWired]

There’s a lot to unpack here. You are conflicted on multiple levels because:

1. You’re uncertain how to approach accepting a homosexual or at least bisexual orientation given that your circle of people - and therefore we assume your upbringing - is largely conservative;

2. You have discovered not only that you like sex with men and feel strongly drawn to continue doing it, but you also find yourself drawn to relatively abusive and potentially dangerous couplings;

3. You had experiences involving substances and you credit those substances with greatly enhancing your sexual experience, but at the same time recognize the danger they represent and the physical harm they likely caused you;

4. You went into it with a fear of disease which was then borne out by your catching STDs, though not specifically HIV;

5. You fear an inability to control your own impulses; and

6. You come at this with a self-esteem issue that tells you that you aren’t worthy to be healthy and that you should do self-destructive things.

Let’s start with No. 6.

Many of the previous issues likely have their root in the last one. I would strongly recommend that you seek counseling not about your orientation, sexual proclivity, or drug use specifically, but to try to determine what drives down your self-worth, and work on building it up. A positive self-realization is necessary for a healthy acceptance of one’s own orientation and sexuality, and essential in being open about it with the people you know.

Positive self-assessment provides the basis of confidence that allows one to sensibly judge risk versus reward, and to reject outside influences that are not in one’s interests. It allows you to place a realistic value on yourself and your health, and therefore be able to realistically determine whether having sex a certain way, or with a certain person, or using a certain substance, is in fact a good idea. Intentionally self-destructive acts are irrational, and point to maladaptive thought processes.

You say that the primary feelings causing you distress are fear, shame, and unworthiness. Some of this appears to be based in internal conflict between your awakening desires and self-awareness, and the particularly and unfortunately negative consequences of your initial attempts.  Had you not fallen prey to the types of men who used you in that way, your outlook might be different. It may be, therefore, that any determinative decision you make about your future along these lines will require further experience of a more representative range of possible partners.

Other issues are clearly based in misinformation or incorrect assumptions. For instance, you seem to have bought into the notion that acquiring HIV is a benefit because you can then stop worrying about catching it. This is utterly misleading. Catching HIV only means you get to start worrying about having it, and you never get to stop thinking about it, not for a single day for the rest of your life. Forget that bullshit immediately and get on PrEP if you’re going to bareback. Don’t be a fool.

No, this lifestyle isn’t an absolute guarantee of HIV, nor is HIV a death sentence if you get it (unless you refuse treatment), but you will face a significantly increased risk if you choose to fuck bareback. You buy your ticket and you take your chances. That’s it. Parachuting out of an airplane isn’t a guaranteed death either, but you’re much more likely to die doing it than if you stay on the ground.

You’re afraid to try because you’re afraid you can’t resist your impulses? Nonsense. You just told us that you’ve resisted your own impulses so thoroughly that you haven’t let yourself have sex in over a year. Your impulse control is fine. What you lack is confidence in yourself.

As to the drugs: Contrary to what any number of men on this site may say, Methamphetamine is bad shit and can damage your brain at the level of its ability to process neurotransmitters, among other things, quite aside from being horribly addicting and having a tendency to leave users with mouths full of rotten teeth. Sound attractive? No? I didn’t think so. Before you make the decision to devote yourself to a sex life marinated in chems, I strongly suggest that you give it a solid try without any of them and see how it works for you. You may find that not only do you not need them to have a good time, you’ll be better off for not having to take a week off work recovering from drug withdrawal.

You sound like you’ve been doing a lot of diving in the deep end of the pool before you’ve really learned to swim. I’d spend some time in the shallow end if I were you.

[johnny93x]

BootmanLA , john54476 and ErosWired thank you so much for your replies.