Why am I feeling like this?

[Nightwalker]

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

as men in general tend to mask their emotions, especially around other men, and particularly if they display outwardly as a ‘tough guy’. Probing beneath the mask may only stiffen it. You may want so much to find something that you decide something is there when it actually isn’t.

The most satisfying thing you’ve done lately is watch Tokyo Ghoul? Good Grief. You could be much more satisfied. There is much better anime out there.

The world would be a better place if men could express themselves, but all we do these days is talk about women. Many people are blindly ignorant of the huge impact this has on every society. I know there's much bette anime out there. I just finished fullmetal alchemist that I fell in love with. Tokyo Ghoul was okay, but it made fullmetal shine even brighter in my eyes.

 

5 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Thanks, Nightwalker, for a) joining up, and b) this most interesting post.  You've received superb input from a couple of the brightest men on BZ, and I hope you're finding it helpful.

One thing that has not been mentioned though, is how long has this situation been going on?  A year?  A month?  Several years?  Several months?  There are occasions that develop wherein a guy can achieve what he wants - but only partially - and that's enough for him.  I'm referencing the "big brother/little brother" parameters.  Apparently "dad/son" was too much for him, but it was fine for you.  Also apparently, "big bro/little bro" is acceptable for you, but you'd rather there be a more intense quality than bro/bro.  

I'm reading between the lines a bit, but apparently something inspired you to actually join up so you could ask questions of perhaps more experienced men "in the life".  That might be interpreted as founded in a bit of frustration at the status quo?  

I guess  what I'm wondering is, on a "1 to 10" scale, how important is it to you that this "friendship" move forward to more than what it currently is?  How long has this issue been simmering in the back of your mind?  

Thanks again for joining up, and offering this most interesting situation.  Good luck !!

Thank you for being kind. How long has it been? Well, not that long, since September. And I found him totally by chance. I think bro2bro is cute but calling some brother is a big statement and shouldn't be used or taken lightly.

Yeah you are right, I could use some advise. I'm not thaaaat experienced in these things. I know that I need this communication we have, it would hurt a lot if it stopped. I think it evolves but I don't know where it goes. I'm curious and excited about him. I see a confident good looking man, I want more and more. Sometimes I wanna see him naked, I wanna touch him and taste his lips. I jerk off thinking of him. Some other times I'm "calmer". I want him to be proud for me. He changed me somehow I think. There are several things I gained from him, so I can't easily tell you from 1-10 scare what I would give, but I can tell what I believe to have gained. 1) I gained confidence and knowledge 2) I learned to do practical things that I was too afraid to try on my own or even ask 3) I learned how to want to become better and better and 4) I learned to have some fun at times, he made me feel alive again and not just someone who studies-works-sleeps

2 hours ago, tighthole64 said:

Being in a homophobic place, and finding someone you think is attractive makes it tough.  

That's very accurate. I always thought the trick in this is to make the other "part" try to chase you. I believe that males like to be in a dynamics of a strong and a weak part where the strong likes to protect and dominate somehow. That is a mental thing however, and those who lack it are of no interest to me. So if this dynamic seems to exist by teasing it it can grow stronger until the other guy actively tries to be with you and understands that things are more complex than the gay-str8 thing.

 

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Your country seems to be gay friendly on paper, but the culture doesn't seem to have evolved to that ideal.  Once you are finished with your medical education, have you considered moving to a more gay friendly place?  

There was a doctor where i work. i realized i had not seen him for a few months and then came back to work one day an she  was back. She had transitioned (mtf) and worked at the hospital where she had been known as a male for several years. She was accepted... people bent over backwards to show acceptance, and those who did not, kept silent.  

Being in an environment where you feel compelled to hide is "harm."   If your friend is gay, it seems evident to me that even though he is 12 years older and established, he still may not feel safe enough to be 'uncloseted.'  

i do not think your question is 'why you feel like this."  You're gay and attracted to men.  The challenge seems more that you don't feel free to express who and how you are. i don't think that all has to do with being gay. Straight people also risk rejection when expressing their feelings, but that don't have the added layer or potential stigma of being gay. 

Oh year we're very good with papers. Everyone seems happy and rich on paper. On realiity though these things are far from the truth. I'd like to move to the states but it's hard (passing the USMLE requires money that I don't have right now for example). I don't think that that doctor could survive in my country (unfortunately).

That's true.. expressing one's feelings is a big deal. Sometimes I just wanna tell him that I admire him and that although I tend to be tough on my ideas of other people, he's one of the guys that really impress me. I don't want him to think that I'm the guy who flatters. He's just too good. He tries to please everybody, he's fast and good at what he does. Sometimes I wanna ask him if his body hurts because he runs almost constantly throughout the clinic. I always think that he's hurt though. He's on his own. Maybe that's why he's so good, it's the lack of trust to others, possibly due to a bad experience? I wanna hug him so much.

[hntnhole]

18 hours ago, Nightwalker said:

Well, not that long, since September.

Ahhhhh ... thanks for that input.  I'd agree - it's not been a long time at all.  A couple of things:

1.  Given your description of the area in which you (and he, I assume) live, there's a really good chance that he's as conflicted as you are.  When we live in repressive areas, or even countries, the defensive reactions are always our first when confronted with an "outside-the-normal-box" situation.  He's really dedicated to his profession, he has (as far as you know) relatively little social life, he's warmed to you in what he feels is an acceptable way, he's intelligent, and knows full well how dangerous it could be to let his guard down, yet he came up with the "big bro/little bro" description.  

2.  I must say that 3 months may seem like a looooong time to you, but - given the strictures of where you live, it's not at all surprising to me that he's at the very least hesitant, and maybe very afraid to let his guard down.  In his mind, he's got one helluva lot to lose, and has little idea of what he might have to gain with you.  While I don't have knowledge of the cultural situation where you live, that can be a real inhibitor to allowing himself to even consider a "relationship" of some kind. 

If I were  you, I'd continue to stay the course you're on, being his friend/little brother, and very gradually, as obliquely as you possibly can, allow him to understand that there's more - much more - to be had with you.  No jumps into the issue, take "baby-steps".  Give him all the time he needs, and after another 3 months (which would make 6) there will either be progress or there won't.  If, by then, he simply cannot accept the perceived risks to his (and your) position, then gradually and gracefully begin to withdraw.  I realize that you think he's everything you want, you're smitten in all kinds of ways, and it would be very tough to gradually begin to separate.  If, after 6 months he simply cannot bring himself to warm to your presence in his life, then there's a difficult decision to be made.  We shouldn't have to wait for ages to be appreciated.  Clearly, you have a ton of attractive characteristics to offer, and you deserve to be happy, as does every other person on Earth.  Sometimes, guys can be incredibly obtuse.    

I'm crossing my fingers that it works out for you, but there's a chance that it may not, which is hardly your fault.  Be patient, but ever so slightly, obliquely, almost imperceptibly turn up the heat on this particular stove.  If the butter in the pan simply won't melt after 6 months, then it's probably not going to.  Give it your best shot, and keep us apprised.  

Edited November 27, 2022 by hntnhole

[Nightwalker]

19 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

1.  Given your description of the area in which you (and he, I assume) live, there's a really good chance that he's as conflicted as you are.  When we live in repressive areas, or even countries, the defensive reactions are always our first when confronted with an "outside-the-normal-box" situation.  He's really dedicated to his profession, he has (as far as you know) relatively little social life, he's warmed to you in what he feels is an acceptable way, he's intelligent, and knows full well how dangerous it could be to let his guard down, yet he came up with the "big bro/little bro" description.  

he looks quite a confident guy which makes matters worse because he will try to hide his feelings (I think). He does little things outside his job but I think this is a thing of the present. Maybe the pandemic changed his routines. He is very tired at times, he was sick a couple of times. There are times I worry he's falling apart. Yesterday we did something interesting, maybe the most interesting thing we have done. We went to the theatre together (!) after my initiative. The play was super fun (Le misanthrope). Then we went for a dinner (a burger-style American something with a live). We came closer I can tell (but nothing actually happened). None of us drinks any alcohol so any idea of getting high is doomed. But I did something brave (maybe). He "Complained" that he was the older guy there (which was not true he's in his mid 30s for heavens sake) and everybody else is "youth". So I told him "most of the youth here would think you're sexy not old". It was the first time I saw him looked shocked ever. But he smiled (maybe to hide his surprise). Another thing, when I return home from a time we were together he wants me to text me that I returned which is cute (yet unreasonable).

33 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

I must say that 3 months may seem like a looooong time to you, but - given the strictures of where you live, it's not at all surprising to me that he's at the very least hesitant, and maybe very afraid to let his guard down.  In his mind, he's got one helluva lot to lose, and has little idea of what he might have to gain with you.  While I don't have knowledge of the cultural situation where you live, that can be a real inhibitor to allowing himself to even consider a "relationship" of some kind. 

If I were  you, I'd continue to stay the course you're on, being his friend/little brother, and very gradually, as obliquely as you possibly can, allow him to understand that there's more - much more - to be had with you.  No jumps into the issue, take "baby-steps".  Give him all the time he needs, and after another 3 months (which would make 6) there will either be progress or there won't.  If, by then, he simply cannot accept the perceived risks to his (and your) position, then gradually and gracefully begin to withdraw.  I realize that you think he's everything you want, you're smitten in all kinds of ways, and it would be very tough to gradually begin to separate.  If, after 6 months he simply cannot bring himself to warm to your presence in his life, then there's a difficult decision to be made.  We shouldn't have to wait for ages to be appreciated.  Clearly, you have a ton of attractive characteristics to offer, and you deserve to be happy, as does every other person on Earth.  Sometimes, guys can be incredibly obtuse.    

You're right. I try to make small steps, although I'm not sure for where I'm heading too. That guy is a dream. I admire him, he's a role model for me and it's been so long since I had someone to look up to. I'm sick of professors talking about respect and role models when their behaviour disgusts me. He never bothered to talk about respect or any kind of professionalism. You could just see both of them unfold as he acts. You are right we shouldn't wait forever. I also had sex with a guy which was really good but I felt somewhat ehm wrong? I felt like I was cheating on him. I was also thinking of him at some point but I'm afraid that maybe my mind has stucked and I got what I want (him) the passion could fade? I don't know. He feels precious for me.

Another strange thing is that I'm a bit scared/afraid. He's very kind to me but I always have in mind never to tell something stupid (in terms of medical knowledge) in front of him. One time, a med student said something REALLY stupid to him and I was like oh no he's triggered now (and he was). He will never yell at anyone, but the way he looks at you feels like he's reading through you.