Aimless . What Comes Next?

[Kayne]

My Momma entered into mortality a little under 2 months ago. She was my only family. She was my best friend. I cared for her, for 27 years day and night. 

I was broken hearted when I found out I was POZ because part of me feared leaving her alone in a premature end. That is because of her losing absolutely everyone good in her life in the Early days when I was a kid.

Her last 5 years were painful.  She left quietly in her sleep, clinging to my arm. On the Day I was born We both died and came back. I'm Fighting through guilt for surviving. One way out is obvious, but I don't know if that's  what I want.

I do know that I'm starting over from scratch, without a clue on what to do now, A disability and no plan for the end of the day, let alone the future. A deep seated kink is one thing,  but that's not something to build a life on. Do I even deserve to be here now that she's gone? If I did,  wouldn't there be more to my life  than  an empty void? 

[norefusal]

these are the typical feelings of isolation. reaching out to others who are in a similar situation and knowing you are not alone is key. i know it's helped tremendously for me to know im not alone and there are others going thru what im going thru. being gay can often be isolating so make sure to engage w others and know you've got a built in community of like minded people you were born into. it's an automatic club membership you can never revoke so use it to your advantage 

[PozBearWI]

Indeed @Kayne grieving takes some time.  That empty void will become less empty overtime.  For now, I wish you well as you grapple with loss.  Hugs brother.  

[Poz50something]

 

43 minutes ago, Kayne said:

My Momma entered into mortality a little under 2 months ago. She was my only family. She was my best friend. I cared for her, for 27 years day and night. 

I was broken hearted when I found out I was POZ because part of me feared leaving her alone in a premature end. That is because of her losing absolutely everyone good in her life in the Early days when I was a kid.

Her last 5 years were painful.  She left quietly in her sleep, clinging to my arm. On the Day I was born We both died and came back. I'm Fighting through guilt for surviving. One way out is obvious, but I don't know if that's  what I want.

I do know that I'm starting over from scratch, without a clue on what to do now, A disability and no plan for the end of the day, let alone the future. A deep seated kink is one thing,  but that's not something to build a life on. Do I even deserve to be here now that she's gone? If I did,  wouldn't there be more to my life  than  an empty void? 

If I am permitted, and if you are on Facebook, I would like to introduce you to a group that I belong to. It's called LGBTQ Grief Loss Support. It's for all types of losses, just not spousal demise. They really helped me through a c### of a year in 2017-2018, when I lost 3 members of my family, starting with my spouse. Let me know what you think. 

[ejaculaTe]

@Poz50something is totally spot on: whether you're on Facebook or not, grief counseling can be of immense help, especially in the first several months. Let me also suggest you take a look at [think before following links] https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/. I can attest to the value of the AARP website and of grief counseling, having been the caregiver for the last 4 years of my partner's life. Send a private message anytime you want....

[SFCumdog]

You gave the ultimate sacrifice by giving up everything to be there for your Mom non-stop for all those years, and especially the last 5 of them. Knowing that she passed away clinging to your arm, meant that you were with her right up to her last breath. What a gift you were given to be able to do that for her. But now that she is gone, there is a big empty hole in your heart where she resided, and your whole reason for being these last many years, is no more. I understand your grief, as I have been there too. In the end we really are left with two choices. We can curl up in a ball, and die with them, or we can choose to keep on living. If your Mom was anything like mine, I am sure that what she'd want for you is to live your best life possible. Hold her memory safe, but now go do the things that you have wanted to do, but couldn't while you had her. Your watch is over. Take time to decompress and grieve, and then live the life you have left. You never know what may still be waiting out there for you. 

[Kayne]

I want to thank everyone. I'm nowhere near Okay. But Iam Finding reasons to Continue on for one more day. Your insight is invaluable to me as I forge on and build myself from the ground up.

Again, Thank you all