Scorpion Pizza

[Lostboy90]

So.... excellent story. I rarely do it, but it deserves a comment.

First of all, the things that work. It is well written. Some typos here and there, but it is generally flowing and an appreciable lexicon. I particularly enjoyed the firat half, and I noticed a couple of attempts at adjusting tone and words to reflect the characters speaking. I also definitely liked the setting and the fact that you had a reasonable idea of the conclusion since the beginning and you did not stray away.

Honestly, I think you have potential in improving characterization. I felt most of them to be rather flat. Everybody (butthe obvious villain) is helpful and cheerful and honest and successful and happy. I definitely enjoy reading about positive charachters, but probably getting them to have some flaws would make them more unique and human, and add tension to the plot. I probably would have added some more doubts, fears, errors and regrets, especially on Jacob's side. Also, i missed a little bit on a conclusion to Jac's relationship with his family

Anyway, impressive work. I enjoyed it thoroughfully, especially the first half

 

[Deepnrawnyc3]

***** 5 Star Rating!!! Great story, Excellent Characterization , Terrific ending.  I think you deserve the 2025  Best Writing Award on  BZ!!!!!!!!!

Personally I'm hoping for a sequel - -Scorpion Pizza 2