I joined BreedingZone a year ago this month. A year ago I considered myself a committed sexual submissive, because that's what I've been trained for, but I didn't think of myself as a cumdump, nor did I think about barebacking as a choice - it was just something Men did or didn't do when they fucked me. Once I became HIV+, I didn't have any sex at all until I became undetectable, and then I let Men know I understood if they wanted to use a condom. At that point, I was glad they were still willing to fuck me at all.

Finding this site showed me that I could still thrive sexually given my status and my age, even as a total bottom. The input from the members here gave me the inspiration to go out and actually live a life that so many Men post about in fantasy but never have the courage to act upon. Looking back over this year, I realize how much more conscious I've become of my sexuality and sexual habits, and how much more open I've become in talking about it. Yesterday my bisexual son was telling me about the possibility that another boy interested in him might come to his party, and I was attempting to advise him how to manage the situation. After a minute he looked at me and said, "Is my dad trying to be my wingman?"

I was not. There are some things I do not. want. to. know.

About my own sex life, on the other hand, I've begun keeping closer track than I ever have. There have been several topics on these boards concerning load tallies and load counts and who has taken the most loads in a year, or in their lifetime. I don't count loads because 1) Sometimes you can't tell whether you got it or not, 2) If the Top mostly cums on your ass crack and then sorta pushes some of it in, does it count? Yes? No? There are too many variables, and in any case I wholeheartedly agree with @PERVERSATILE when he points out that "The load is the prize". What I count, instead of loads, are fucks.

I keep track of them on my cell phone, in a simple ongoing page in the Notes app. Since Tops sometimes seem to enjoy keeping score by making hash marks on my ass with a pen when they finish with me, I adopted that as my sort-of standard. (In the not-so-good image accompanying this post, you can just make out a faint set of hashes on my right ass cheek; even "permanent" ink markers are no match for a good steam room.) The score I've kept looks like this:

March (F-S) ||||\ ||||\ ||||\ ||||\ ||||
April (F-S) ||||\ ||||\ ||||\ ||||\ |||
May (Th-F) ||||\ || (S) ||||\ ||||\ |||
June (F) 0. (S) ||||\ ||~|\ |||
July (F) 0. (S) ||||\ ||||\ ||~|\ |
August (F) ||{++} (S) |||{++} ~~~
Sept 13-14 (Th) |||| (F) ||||\ (S) ||
October (F) ||| ff  (S) |{+}||\ |~||\ |||| f
Oct 19-20 (F) ||||\

\ = a crosshash, or fifth mark that crosses four
|{+..} = the Top returned to fuck me again for the number of times indicated by the plus marks
~ = I gave credit for the fuck even though the guy was a little too soft or a little to wasted to penetrate me very well. As long as he thought he was fucking me he got credit. It's the Top's pleasure that counts.
0 = zero fucks. What the fuck was up on Fridays in June and July?
f = recently I've started keeping track of the number of times guys flake on me.

Obviously, I didn't start keeping this record until March, when I started attending CumUnion in Indianapolis and hotel hosting regularly in Louisville, so it doesn't include fucks from October 2017 - February 2018, and obviously, I don't count the flakes. But the tally above right now stands at 142 fucks for the year - a dismal reckoning that reflects the fact that I'm stuck in the back of beyond in rural Kentucky and have to drive over an hour just to get to somewhere I can be a slut. If I lived in a metro area, that count would be much higher.

That count, however, isn't the only count I keep in my Notes app.

I have another one on another page, and it's been going on longer, since August 2014. It looks like this:

8/29/2014
CD4: 49
VL: 85,000

11/11/2014
CD4: 160
VL: 840

2/11/2015
CD4: 188
VL: 50 (Damn. So close.)

6/1/2015
CD4: 250 (Dr. not pleased)
VL: 65 (me not pleased)
Quitting Atripla, starting Triumeq

9/2015
CD4: 285
VL: Undetectable

3/2016
CD4: 315 (I had hoped for better, but Dr. is pleased, so I suppose I should be satisfied)
VL: Undetectable

2/1/2017
CD4: 218
VL: 65 (Dr. says this is a normal blip, not a concern)
Quitting Triumeq, starting Genvoya

3/28/2017
CD4: 293
VL: Undetectable

2/27/2018
CD4: 249
VL: Undetectable

8/26/2018
CD4: [not checked]
VL: Undetectable

10/23/2018
CD4: 300
VL: Undetectable
I have a new HIV doctor now

I suppose you could say I'm keeping score against the Enemy Virus as well.

I take a sort of pride in both of these lists, in ways that are different, but also in one way that's the same. I take pride in my fuck count not as an accumulation, but as proof of the number of Men to whom I have been able to give an ecstatic moment of pleasure. I know little or nothing about their lives - I may never even see some of them - but for the short time they are with me, they are safe, and warm, and made to feel incredibly good, and I have accomplished that, by my certain count, 142 times in a year. If I could have made it a thousand, I would have. I take pride in my CD4 and Viral Load count as wayposts along the road of my fight against AIDS, and my struggle back from the edge of death. The marks denote a long, narrow, rocky road, but I have kept on it without missing a step, and I'm proud of my determination.

I take a pride in both of the lists because they're both, in their way, celebrations of life continuing in spite of age, in spite of disease, in spite of doubt, and in spite of fear. They are proof that I am very much alive.