Omnivac

15 hours ago, ErosWired said:

It’s unclear whether you mean you’re ashamed of your feelings about your brother, or simply ashamed to express them publicly. Because you’re gay, do you feel ashamed that you have loving feelings toward your brother, and physical contact, even though those feelings are not sexual in nature?

I'm shy to express them in public. I know many siblings who aren't like us. They barely talk when they reach adulthood and we still act like kids. Yes my feelings are not sexual but still. I was glad that I could love him like that because it means that I can be friends with a guy without my "gay side" meddling. It's just that people like to judge. If I kiss him I have to be gay, if we sleep together we're [banned word] or something etc etc.

15 hours ago, ErosWired said:

You say you don’t need to talk, that each of you knows what the other feels,

He doesn't know how he feels that's the problem. I told him that it hurts me that we're like that. He said that he feels awful but he still loves me.

I think your comment is really giving me food for thought

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

You describe a physical closeness (platonic) that you have always shared with your brother. Unlike many here, you (refreshingly) don’t sexualize or fantasize the situation, and even speculate that you were ‘too close’. That’s an interesting observation that you might elaborate upon. It suggests a level of unease on your part, but you don’t claim ti have had an attraction to him, so what was the source of the unease? Is it possible you were picking up on some aspect of his ostensibly straight behavior that didn’t add up?

I liked the use of "refreshingly". I don't feel a (sexual) attraction towards him. I think that we're too close physically. I know the scent of his skin. I felt guilty at times because I like guys and I get close to him. Would he get that close if he had a sister? I consider him a part of myself. We look very similar. We were used to get asked if we are twins all the time (he's older than me). I see him as something very precious. I don't put the element of lust in this, I just love him. Sometimes I'm ashamed of that. For instance, I know he expects me to kiss him for goodbye, but I won't in front of others. Somehow I need to touch him when we're in the same place. When it comes to that and the "straight behavior" I'm not sure. I always thought he considered me to be weak. Not in a bad sense. He was my older brother he had to protect me. So that pulled aside everything else.

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Given that sexual preference is a spectrum, he might well be straight, but have experienced a moment of same-sex attraction a time or two, and is now examining those anomalous feelings with you as a template - you are close brothers after all.

Or, he could be very, very deeply closeted in denial, and your admission may have let enough light into that closed closet to let him take a look at himself.

I think that he likes simple things. His mind is made so that he likes it that way. All these shades of sexuality are far too colorful for his black and white vision. Guys like Girls and Girls like Guys, that's the rule of the game.

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Regardless, you are concerned about what to do now that his behavior has shifted. I come from a hugging, kissing family and if you stop hugging and kissing someone, it is obvious that there’s an issue. I would advise you to behave as usual, and hug and kiss him as though nothing has changed at all. He may return to former practice simply out of long habit. This will also do two things: It will make it clear that your homosexuality hasn’t changed you, that you are still the same regular person he has always known, and he doesn’t have to treat you diffetently; and it will reassure him that any feelings he is questioning in himself are acceptable because you provide a positive example.

He is as confused as it gets. We have some small fights but maybe I'm winning? I'm scratching the walls of denial in his head. I have reasonable arguments to fight his ignorance. For now, he's having flashbacks. I know what he feels, he knows what I feel. We don't need to talk. It's as if we're waiting for things to reset somehow. I'm scared t try to kiss him again. When he leaves he just stares at me.

18 hours ago, evilqueerpig said:

I doubt it's ignorance.  Maybe he's questioning his own sexuality and feigning indifference for your sake.

I hadn't thought of that. From when I was little I started to feel attraction towards males. Even before knowing what sex is, something pulled me towards boys. That said, I find it difficult to understand how someone would not know whether he was gay. On the other hand it makes sense. Haven't we all met guys who "discovered" that in the late 30s?

16 hours ago, badjujuboy said:

e is processing that and may be trying to rationalize things by coming up with irrational and ignorant statements. Continue to be the same person you were before… you haven’t change by simply coming out… his world has changed and he needs to deal with it. I hope your relationship with him survives this. 

I am the same person and maybe he is too. It's just that I never knew that part of his. I don't push my lack though, I won't kiss (yet) in front of him but I think he tries to cope. I found by luck (I was passing behind him) reading an article about how gays are born.

22 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

It is truly baffling how anyone exposed to Western media over the last 30 years could be so ignorant

I really need someone to explain me how is this possible. He even asked me how is sex possible and I told him to watch some porn. He's a very smart guy, but about this topic his brain got offline or something

22 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

If he does things that hurt your feelings, let him know that they do; he needs to learn that it's not OK to treat you badly just because of that part of you. Now that you're out to him, don't avoid mentioning "gay stuff" (like your BF), but don't go out of your way to talk about it either. Keep it light, it's a normal thing and that's exactly the main lesson he needs to learn. You are his brother, and you are a perfectly normal gay man, and there's nothing about your relationship that needs to change because of that. People do this all the time, and they have for thousands of years.

He worries. He thinks I'm in danger or that I'm tricked/fool/bewitched or whichever other word you may seem fitting. When my bf comes home (he knows him but thought of him as a friend of mine) he just looks with the corner of his eye. He thinks that a joke maybe. He's not rude or aggressive. He's confused.

I have an  older brother (32) that I really love. He was always supportive and caring. But there was always a shadow between us. My proclivity towards males. I never felt he would be cool with that. He's not the guy that he would call gays as fagots. It felt as if he was ignorant of their existence. So I don't think he has ever formed an opinion about gays because no gay person has ever "annoyed" him, as if they were creatures of another galaxy. From that perspective he wouldn't possibly assume that I'm gay because it just can't be real. He calls me gay at times but he doesn't mean that I fuck with men. Gay, in his mind, is a generic word used for males implying lack of courage or to describe a choice (that shirt is gay).

But he was insisting on asking me why I don't have a gf. So I said you know what? I have a friend, it's just a b-friend not a g-friend. He was  shocked. He kept on  asking me the most ridiculous  questions. I  can't  understand how an educated person who has a bachelor and a MSc can be so  ignorant about such things. He even asked me how two guys can have sex and how can I find a guy attractive. I don't wanna call him an idiot bcz I understand that it came out of the blue but still. He's not mad at me.. just confused.

What also troubles me is that he has changed. We used to be too close. A (stupid) part of me believed that deep down he knew. He would kiss me every day, he would hug me, we could even watch netflix on his bed or sleep together. There were times that I thought despite him  being my brother, I shouldn't be that close. I justified all these by believing that he likes to "protect" me and somehow in his eyes I'm more of a boy than a man and that him knowing that I'm gay made him act like that. What can I do now?

Quite unexpectedly, I met again with him, at his house. I needed a recommendation letter and I approached him. Long story how, but the professor I'm working with more or less "made" me ask it from him. And then well.. the devil made me do it. I didn't hold back, I told him how I felt and that I missed him. I started touching him and we kissed. He fucked me. But it felt very gentle, he really cared about me being hurt. And I don't think he had fucked a guy before. And then he cried but he told me that he cries because he was very happy and that I should find someone to live happily with. I don't know but that night I felt what happiness tastes like.

It's dificult to put into words. Most of the days (and nights) my mind feels like a busy train station where thoughts come and go like trains. I always search my mails or prepare documents etc. But that night everything was erased. I was just with him nothing else. We started to talk anew. He told me that he never stopped thinking of me and that it hurt so much.

Since nobody really knows about my sexuality, I am making this post here that it's okay to be gay :)

I'm not that experienced with sex (compared to what I'm reading here). I have fucked with hmm.. 10 guys? But 1 of them was my ex and we had been fucking for years. Lately I noticed that looking for hook ups is not appealing anymore for me. I am horny, I get connected but no.. people there feel like sex driven zombies. Some of them say they are "tops" but they don't fuck they just want mutual jerk-off, people who claim that are vers they just wanna get fucked. I also don't enjoy online dating. It's way more intriguing when it's someone that you already know. When I look at someone that I like my heart beats fast and I feel a rush. I never get that from online dating, it's boring. But when I see someone that makes me feel this rush oh damn I feel alive. Even if I don't get what I want (since by 99,9% he is someone straight) this rush is rewarding.

I also came to realise that most people have dark secrets. Through all these posts I understand that there are people with STDs or do things that could cause harm in an attempt to receive maximum pleasure (using substances or doing anything dangerous). I would like to be trusted by my patients. To make them feel that I'm not judging, just helping.

Am I having a thing for "forbidden" affairs. I was in love with a married guy. Yeah right, get a line someone would say. But he was also a professor of my university. But I was also in love with my god mother's son. That was the most forbidden love I've ever felt. He's 4 years older than me, straight and getting ready to marry (that's my assumption because he has a gf for many years). I always tried to impress him. When I was a kid I learned how to swim only to follow him when he went away from the shore. When he sat the exams for the university he scored very well, I struggled my way through, to be as good as he was and succeeded in medical school. He would be proud no matter what. But I can't help but thinking if he still has a place for me in his heart.

A last thing. Technically I'm educated about safe sex practices, I encourage people to use condom, warn them about the hazards of not using one and pretty much I'm saying what every doctor says. Yet I can't help but finding arousing bareback sex. This mixture of fear, agony and lust is just too good.

These days were kinda rough for me. It's like God/Karma or mere coincidences are making fun of me. There have been three times in a row in which I was (more or less) forced to attend seminars in which he was a speaker. And they were rather small (with respect to the people that attended). Even worse, we were in my professor's office the three of us for some time and we were avoiding eye contact. So all that just makes me sadder. I suppose this sadness will fade away at some point. But now it hurts. 

I do have to admit though, that having my heart broken (does that sound too cheesy?) is intriguing. I always thought my emotional part was kinda dull and my life would suck but hey I fell in love with someone.

I try to move on, do what I did before, go to the gym, spend endless hours in the hospital (seeing patients helps me forget my problems) and I think I will get better. Nights are harsh though.

6 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

To me, "dumped" sounds to harsh, but it does answer a lot of questions, for both of you. It's a hard one, i'm sorry. i've found that our emotions and reason often to not aline in life. We feel one way, but think another. 

i do not think it's strange or unusual that he "felt like a teenager."  Culture often controls and directs our choices and behavior differently from who we are, what we want/need. i think that causes certain parts of us to be unfulfilled and those parts don't have a chance to grow and develop, so that part of us is stuck as a "teenager" (so to speak).  Now that th cat is out of the bag, it's going to be hard for him to put it back. It's sort of like escaping a prison, and it's going to be hard for him to give up the freedom and joy that part of him experienced.

As to him recommending you find a "younger man?"  He cannot make that call for you, you are attracted to who you are, i think repression of such feelings is what gets us in trouble in the first place, conforming to what "should be" instead of exploring what is. 

Well.. isn't it too hard? Pink sung it, it hurts to be human

I suppose it's easier for him to get back to what he had, the way they were. I can't be his wife, I'm a man, I can't be his son we don't share the same blood. I can be a menace for what he loves and that should be enough to walk away.

About the younger man, I suppose his wife has pretty much the same age as him and since their sons are around 18, they must be together from quite a young age. He sees the most fitting for me to be in a similar situation. I haven't figured if he's bi, or just a str8 guy who got confused (can that really happen?). If he's bi or gay the fact that he tells me to find a guy makes me believe that he believes that I can't even pretend to be with a woman (like no one will fall for it). So it makes me believe that he doesn't regard me as masculine enough (although I believe that I am). That's a long story, it's just that in Italy we have difficulties about non masculine guys. Well we have lots of difficulties, that's one of them.

And now I feel kinda empty and sad. I'm pretty sure that it's not easy for him as well.

3 hours ago, hntnhole said:

From your post of earlier this month ...... 

 

oh i meant that theoretically. That if i was in such a situation, I wouldn't like to be cheated. I'm single.

@TheSRQDude

well.. it's not the first time it happens and most possibly, not the last either. I will cope with it.  For now, I'm just sad. But I love that guy. I won't annoy him again, I hope he is happy.

On 6/22/2022 at 1:13 AM, hntnhole said:

I too am sorry to know this.  I do have a question though:  how has this experience impacted your relationship with your bf?  Or did you not tell him in the first place ...... 

I'm not sure I follow, I don't have a bf

So I have one, maybe the last, update on this story.

He told me that since he met me, he was cheerful again and that he felt like a teenager (is this a good or a bad thing I wonder). He felt naughty and in love at the same time.

But he said that this won't turn well. He has a wife and two sons and that this is not the right thing to do. He also said that I'm a very talented young man and I should find someone at my age who can love me to the fullest.

Oh he also said that this is the best for us and he does it because he's also thinking of me, not only himself.

Pretty much he dumped me.. which has made me very sad. And now it's all clear for me, I am in love with that guy.

That's complicated. I mean we gays like other men so both parts of the couple know the need of a man to jerk off no matter how much sex he has.. yet i think I wouldn't be open about it. It's not a thing of being clear or anything but maybe it should be kept for one's self.

@ErosWired

I agree with u but I need to clarify some things. Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I'm not a phd student, I'm a post doc. That means I'm not a student  at all, just a worker who works  for the university until the project is over (and most possibly after that I will have my private office and the academia part will be over cuz I'm fed up with these people). So he's not in a position where somehow he will judge me or anything. He's not even in the same department. So there is not such a conflict of interest. We have worked in related projects but it was just a collab.

About doing all these with students well.. with me he spent several hours the past 6 months. People who would play around with students as a habit I doubt they spent such an amount of time. Students in general like him, they say he's a cool guy and many girls are into him (I suppose  guys as well but most are closeted here).

So if i was to imagine myself in two years from now (that's when my contract ends) I see thee possibilities

a) Find a new contract and work as a researcher (Heaven forbid)

b) Become a professor myself (I can't decide if this is a good or a bad joke)

c) Work in my private office/work in a clinic (yeah!)

About getting noticed.. I believe it's already happening

@DarkroomTaker

Maybe I could make good money out of it, wish I could do the casting

56 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

From what I've read in your reports, I think this man is heavily conflicted about a number of issues, and whether you can help or harm is - as I understand your reports - an open question.  One thing I doubt though, is you're the first guy he's ever fantasized about, or felt an attraction to.  You may well be the first that he's found so attractive that he's actually devoting some intellectual/emotional attention to his own issues. That said, only he can actually do that.  Perhaps you can help in some way, but when it comes down to brass tacks, it's only he himself that can make potentially life-altering decisions.

Maybe you should consider backing off a bit - maintaining non-personal contact - i.e. texts, whatever, and when he asks you why you seem to be backing off, tell him in as kind a way as you're able.  We still haven't heard how you deal with your own current relationship regarding "outside" sex, and that would impact him, however indirectly.  

You've referred a number of times to this man's professional accomplishments, his apparent financial stability, etc.  These seem to be ancillary to your main focus, as I understand it.  It would be helpful if you took some time and outlined what your goals are regarding this man.  I mean, list them.  Write them down.  1st goal, 2nd goal, 3rd, etc.  Discard all the projections onto him, and concentrate only on your goals.  This would be most helpful.

Best wishes ...

It does seem odd that he has never tried something with another guy before. He looks unfamiliar with the situatiion though. He almost felt vulnerable when I kissed him which was really cute. I have quite backed off since it's he who starts messaging the past few days and not me. I attended a speech of his today, which of course we had too. He gave a speech in my department and all of us (the researchers) were kindly asked (indicated by the head of the lab) that we must be there. Professors are treated as deities, having the classroom of the speech half empty would be an unforgivable act. So I guess outside these awkward moments of intimacy we are as we were. 

About his achievements well.. he's vulnerable. I could be his weak spot, used against him to harm his career. I don't want this. On the one hand he serves me like an inspiration on how I want to be and be even greater than him, as the student that surpasses his teacher. That's how I want to see things. On the other hand, I just feel weak. He's in a better position, richer, he has family, a nice car, a nice office, nice clothes. I will never be good enough for him.

I really thank for all your detailed responses, they help me consider several things.. 

So..

We met again in his office.

I think he's very confused which is quite interesting. He's almost 50, he's a professor and he pretty much seems to know everything, he's written dozens of books (which the high number of them is suspicious) and he's head of a department. Yet, he asks me things about gays that not even an adolescent would ask. Questions started from if I'm gay and what do I like about men and how does it feel to have gay  sex?

Well I told him the truth that I'm gay. I had my share of guilt because I fear he would think I was scheming schemes about making him fall for me. I clarified that I was seeing him as a friend without anything other than that. About why I like gay men, that's maybe a philosophical question. I'm just attracted and it is so simple that it needs no further thinking. And about gay sex.. well that was a hard one. I didn't want to be too romantic or too vulgar about this. I told him I like how it feels, to dominate and being dominated, to give and receive pleasure. It makes me feel as one with my partner.

He looked to be somehow interested in these things that I told him yet he looked quite unfamiliar with all of these. He also told that that kiss was a first for him and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want me to feel bad and that he's the most experienced so he should have treated all that different.

I asked him how the kiss felt and he made a small joke by saying he lost his breath which should indicate that that was good. I told him I want another kiss and he hesitated. And we kissed. He turned red again. Jokes aside, I'm a bit stressed about him. He's fit and in good health but he's in an age where heart risk increases. If everytime we kiss he's that much stressed I'm really worried. We kissed many times. He told me I'm beautiul I pretty much told him the same thing and then we had dinner. He's still very skeptical and I don't believe he has decided what he wants to do.

I got horny when we kissed

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

The plot thickens.

i don't think you "pushed him," Who initiated the kiss?  it seems there's quite a bit of sexual tension between you. i think you are learning a lot. He took off his glasses because you told him you like his eyes, that was a gesture from him.  He also "likes what he sees inside of you."  Kissing you left him breathless. It seems clear to me that he is attracted to you, but does not know what to do with his attraction. i think you are right that this is new to him and it seems he is feeling a lot of confusion and is conflicted as well. 

That's a tough call. It's like when you put a match close to a piece of paper. It will catch fire without even touching. What I want to say is that when he put his face close to mine and I came to watch his eyes from such a close distance I lost control. I don't know if my lips came to touch his or we both did it. But when the lips touched, never will I forget this. But yeah, taking off his glasses felt like he was giving in, didn't it?

I remember for a moment, before he freaked out, that he was so close to my face I could feel his breath. I don't wanna make him feel bad. I know he has a family, I totally understand it. I just want to make some room for me, is it too much to ask? I'm still confused though. I wouldn't like my bf to cheat me, why am I doing this, being the one whom he cheats his wife with?

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

As usual, our Tall Slim Gentleboy out West has some excellent suggestions.  

I think you're a bit ahead of your Professor/cum/friend in understanding, perceptions, and I applaud your concern re seeming too pressing.  This man - from what I've read - is clearly attracted to you, and it is anything but clear in his own mind.  He's made decisions he may be questioning, he may be going through a bit of a catharsis, and literally afraid to show his hand for fear of your interest waning.  

The fact that you're "just a physician" ("just"? That's a wonderful thing !!) and he's head of some other department is not really germane to the issue.  What is germane, is that two men, perhaps burdened with some measure of hesitation, are attracted to each other in a substantial way.  The age-difference is - in a rather small way, I think - potentially germane, but not crucial to the issue at hand.  What is the crux of the issue, as I understand it, is that two men feel a deep connection on an emotional level, perhaps even deeper, and both are trying their best to encourage growth and acceptance within themselves and each other, without causing hurt to the other. 

It sounds like there's the kind of "connection" developing, that  I often reference as one of the most beautiful events two men can experience together.  Give him time.  Continue to be as supportive, patient, generous-of-heart as you can possibly be.  From what I've absorbed in this thread so far, you may be one of the luckier men around.  I think this complexity will begin to unravel, and in your favor, in the coming weeks.  As the old saying goes:  Rome wasn't built in a day, and it took a thousand years for Rome to fall.  Kindness, gentleness will most likely pay off enormous dividends, if neither of you allows the other to feel awkward, pressed too hard, all of that.  

Good luck !!!

When you meet that guy, he really is a cool guy. So it makes me sad to think that this smiley guy became that troubled because of me. I'm glad you consider physicians  a wonderful thing to be. Many people, especially in the COVID pandemic in Italy say bad things about doctors. For me being a physician was my dream and I do hope I will serve my patients well. I said just a physician because well.. I don't know how things are in the rest of Europe or in USA but here in Italy professors tend to feel like gods. I mean that. Arrogant guys, full of themselves that everybody else is something like a servant. The professor with  whom I'm working will even ask me to go and get him food or coffee. Not to mention the rest of the attitude. I just wait for my post doc to be completed and leave. I will never return to academia. Plus, corruption is a big thing here. A professor may earn somewhere around 1800 euros (which is roughly equivalent to 1800 dollars). That's not much. Yet you will see them with expensive clothes, cars etc. Even the one we're talking about.. well.. if you like at his CV it's just too good. I regret to say that someone is writing books and articles for him (that's what I believe). What he wears cost more than my salary. So no doubt he has his share (and I believe it's rather big) of corruption. That also makes me feel bad because I don't want him or any one to believe that I like him because of this. Plus, I'm just a guy who earns just enough to make a living. I said all these to explain you what I meant by just a physician (he's not a physician).

I messaged him that I am sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable and he told me that I shouldn't be and it's okay, but I know that he doesn't feel okay.

I think I agree with both of you. We went out yesterday night but we didn't sleep together. We talked about 'my" professor (which is the one I'm working with). I told him several things that I don't like about him (I don't think he will tell but the other hand I don't care anymore, I'm fed up with him). He asked me if II'm as close as I am with him with the other professor, I told him that I'm not. Maybe I sense a small fragment of jealousy there.

Then I started to be too sincere and I asked him why is he spending time with me. I'm just a physician and he is the head of (a different) department. He's double my age, obviously way wealthier than me and I'm always hearing him talk about politicians that he knows. So I asked him, he could find people that would be more useful than me.

He said I shouldn't be thinking like that and that I'm the only guy who can cheer him up when he's sad and that he likes what he sees inside me.

He returned the question and I told him that from the first I felt good when I saw him. Then I don't remember how exactly it occured but I told him I love watching his eyes because blue eyes attract me or something like that. He took of his glasses, we came closer. And we did kiss. We stopped several times because he was running out of breath. I do believe that was a first for him he blushed so much. But seconds later he told me that he doesn't know what we just did and he just left.

So I'm confused and sad I guess. We haven't messaged since. I felt he needs some time. I also felt like I pushed him? I don't know.

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

i don't know, but my feel is that your professor is as closeted and conflicted as you are about the relationship. It seems each of you is afraid to come right out and share what you are feeling and thinking about each other.  i think it's easy to imbue the older, professor guy with credit for being more mature and having the answers, but the truth may be he is as scared and inexperienced as you are when it comes to a gay relationship.  

A great thing about an intimate relationship is knowing and being known. It's also scary and vulnerable, risky. i have experienced very few guys in my life who were willing to take the first step of being open about who they are and what is really inside.  There are those who will open once the other person does, then there are those who just let y0ou stand there naked, and never respond in kind.  As i've aged, i am more selective about those i share my heart with, but i still do it way more often than i experience it in return, and pretty much never experience it from someone who initiates.  Still, i'd rather take the risk than not, the pay off when the connection occurs is life itself to me.

 

I believe you are right. It's just that I'm not sure either of what I want. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with him. I like receiving (and giving) all these beautiful feelings. On the other hand I wouldn't wantus to end up like fuck buddiies. Maybe I'm in love? I feel so confused. Maybe I should push things a little bit? He seems to accept what I do, he follows. I thought of just trying to kiss him (on the lips) when the moment comes. Although I fear that he would push me and yell. I'm trying to think of the possible scenarios. Could someone with double my age do all these with me just to be friends? Could he be in love with me but being too shy? I don't know. From the moment we met I felt the sparkle. So I guess he wasn't just looking for someone, maybe it just felt that way.

On 6/10/2022 at 10:09 PM, Kubby said:

Feedeing each other with popcorn is normal and no romantic at all for him...?  Gurl.......that's not so great of him. He must have noticed you fancy him, and he is playing games with you. Not worth it, try to get over him.

I really don't know. He doesn't look like the guy who plays game. But I can't figure what that is.

I will do a second update.. that's the bad thing with being closeted.. no one knows..

We chat A LOT via messenger these days. Even at nights. I was complaining to him that the univerisity has left me unpaid again (yeah the university here likes to do that) and he told me that if I need money I can ask him and he wants to help. Of course I told him no, but that's a kind thing to say.

When we met again we went to the movies. During the movies we were holding hands at times and some other times we were feeding each other with pop corn. But still it's weird. He does't seem to feel uncomfortable but he won't go further either. He makes me feel that this is very normal for him like nothing romantic involved. And I'm not sure what it is actually. I just can't get enough of him. Last night I felt lonely and I told himso and he told me that he's thinkiing ofme.

16 minutes ago, TheSRQDude said:

A couple questions: 

• Does he know you're gay? I would think by now this would have come out or he's more than gotten the hint with things like "you're cute".
• Is he possibly waiting for you to decide on the direction you'd like things to lead? The way you've described it, there's sexual tension there that you could cut with a knife edge. 

Perhaps we're all living a bit vicariously through this novela but perhaps he sees you as an escape from the 'straight' life he otherwise has and is seeking validation or an outlet for his feelings. When he hugged you and rubbed your back, did he give off any vibe that there was something more than platonic there? Did he get aroused? 

Don't know what sort of situation he has with his wife but he seems to be spending considerable time sleeping with you in his office rather than...well, her. Strikes me that he wants things to lead somewhere but might be struggling with his feelings about sexuality and why this feels the way it does for him.

Well technically he does not. He has asked me if I have a gf and I did what I  liked best. I dodged by saying that I'm working so much these days that I could not possibly have someone and he did not ask further. There is definitely some kind of tension and I'm a bit of a coward (most of the time but not always) to explore it. I feel like i want to undress him just to see him naked, to be more familiar with his body. Does that sound strange?

When he hugged me he was basically squeezing me. It felt like he needed to hug me and hold me tight. Like when we see someone that we cherish after a long long time. And that was when I told him when I found my father dead, so it was definitely something like "it's okay I'm here don't be sad". His rubbing in my back felt soothing cause I was indeed sad. When we slept my face was almost towards his chest. Despite the romantic of the thing it turned uncomfortable but we found a convenient position.

About his wife you're right. But that's a thing with many professor. They're just never with their families. Most professors I know are either single or have 3 divorces. But seeing his bed in his office and knowing all his business travels his wife must be used to this. Maybe she has an affair too. I don't believe that she's just okay with this.

Plus, I'm not sure if I'm in in love with him or if it's sth different. It feel nice being with him. He was on the news discussing something and I was watching him, feeling so proud. I don't think about fucking with him, more like touching him.

So we had some news..

We spent yesterday's night together. We slept in his office. He drunk a little bit, he talked about his childhood and said things about himself. I told him that he's very cute and he smiled. We talked about my father and how he died. He became kinda emotional because it was kinda sad th way I described it/ the way it happened. And he just hugged me and rubbed my back and we slept like that. In the morning I kissed him in his cheek which I had never done it (he has done it on som occasions). But I really felt the body contact.

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

To me, one of the wonderful things about intimate relationship is the potential for discovery, learning and growth. Our emotions can draw us in and draw us out, open us and expose parts of us that might otherwise be hidden or even unknown.  

Some of the things that can get exposed is our standards, ethics, ideas of morality.  As some have noted, it seems both of you may be in this dynamic place. He may be in a new place and experiencing similar questions as you. 

A few thoughts to add to the discussion:

The fact that he is vague about telling his family that he is with you when they call is telling i think. i think we often hide when we feel vulnerable or feel at risk of losing something. Fear of discovery and the possible rejection that may go with it. He could have this fear with you and his family because he is feeling something for you that might risk rejection if found out. 

my other thought is that you seem to have not nailed down what it is about being with him that you want/like/need?  Your title says: "in need of a father figure."  On the other hand, you seem to have sexual feelings as well?  If that is the case, are you conflicted about feeling both?  You may associate feelings and needs that you are having with stuff you think you might have had with a father, but there is no telling really what you would have had in reality. I.e., those are projections. 

i think one of the expectations of a father/son dynamic is the notion that the father is in charge, stable, has the answers, etc.. But i think what may be happening here is both of you are experiencing something that is new and brings insecurity and vulnerability with it. The truth is, he is older and has more life experience, but he is not your father, he did not raise you. 

To me, the most important thing is to be honest (both of you). The harder thing is to be openly honest, because there is vulnerability and the risk that comes with it... but there is also potential for wonderful things. 

Regarding his family, I think that going out with a boy half his age is suspicious per se. Even if he is not into guys or into me, it sounds suspicious (I think). Thus he hides it for not sounding suspicious (even if he is not doing anything that a married guy shouldn't do)

About my feelings towards him I dunno. He is surely an attractive guy, at least in my eyes. I've jerked off several times thinking of him. But (that could sound odd), everytime I meet a man (unless he is super unattractive to me) I will jerk thinking of him and then I will stop liking him (from a sexual point of you). I can't think of him as a boyfriend. I liketo think him as a friend (or maybe father?).

@DarkroomTaker

I don't think we ever had anything professional. He is a professor, friend of the professor that I'm working with. But we were never direct partners in our projects. I'm not working with him so I don't think that it's unethical or something.