AversiveSublime

Tiger, Good luck with that! The fantasy is better than the reality, trust me on that. If you can have Rawtop organize a bb group for you that would be much better. I did it and any "party" BigDick will host pales in comparison. You are better off just going to a bathhouse.

No one is a bigger idiot than you Bear, lol, you actually use this site as a source for your dating pool. BigDick is just trying to manipulate people's emotions and I am just incapable of holding back the truth, but you are clearly the idiot here for getting involved at all with this thread. Congrats! ;-)

And the fact of the matter is if I am going to end up positive from my sexual activities then I am sure as hell going to PICK the guys that give it to me. I am not going to sit back and just let any old dick fuck me like I used to. I might as well go for the hot guys that turn me on. But truth be told I am really more of a monogamous type and will likely just find another hiv neg guy to settle down with and leave all this underworld of sex to the truly damaged and dejected. Good luck with your doomed quest to find "relationship perfection". You push it away by putting it out there, rather than just let your partner be who they are and you be who you are. If you could be comfortable in your own skin, sit back and not feel the need to micromanage your partner's interactions then there might be hope, but I doubt that you could ever be that calm and collected outside of your career as a steward. I know it is beyond my power to change or influence that in you because you are like a dog begging for a treat, and maybe will do the trick once or twice to get the treat but in the end you revert back to your old habits.

My original comment to this was three times as long. I don't apologize for saying it how it is. The truth is I was always honest from day one and he wasn't. I am not stupid and know he was only with me so he could be the one who "poz'd me" and it makes him nuts to think it will be someone else and that even then I am still very much negative after all kinds of exposure. I know that if I became poz he would lose interest and move on too. We've done the private message thing over and over and over but he keeps coming back here to share it all with you folks. I really don't mind clarifying it all and saving some other poor guy the trouble of buying into his BS and getting hurt though. I don't meet anyone off this site and there is little or no connection/relation to my identities on other sites, so what do I care??? TO BIGDICK: Obviously this is older than 2 weeks too, I can read a fucking timestamp! I don't need to make you look bad either, you do that all on your own and this perfect match you are looking for is never going to be found. You use and discard people, you have a sex addiction that is out of control. You think it is a good thing but in the end it isn't and should talk to a professional sex counselor about it. Contrary to some of the things I've written on this site in moments of extreme heat and sexual desire I don't actually want to catch HIV. I have lost many friends to it over the years and am thankful that in spite of my wreckless behavior, with drugs, group sex with poz and unsure tops and everything else I've done, that I have some how miraculously managed to remain HIV Negative for almost 15 years. I don't discriminate on hiv status because for whatever reason it seems I am in some way resistant and/or immune, but it doesn't mean I don't worry about it, that I don't plan to accept it every six months that I have myself tested. It is maddening in ways to prepare for the "worst" and then find out there was nothing to worry about. This isn't a game for me, it is my life! I don't seek becoming infected. I know that my sexual tendencies will most likely one day lead to it, but I don't wake up and go through my day wishing for it. I know you have no concept of that being poz yourself, even with zero viral load. You get a sick thrill from the idea of making me poz. The fact is though, that would not bring us closer together, in the end it would only have driven us further apart. What would have brought us closer was the easing up on the jealousy. Backing off sexually and letting me be a horny 30something, flirting and hooking up unhindered with other guys. We were already committed together but there was this empty space inside of me that I needed to explore and fill up, a swagger that I had lost somewhere to meet guys and feel comfortable and confident like I used to. I needed to explore my sexuality in full as a TOP and a bottom, and not with you, it was something I needed and wanted to do on my own after you built up this anticipation but then rejected taking my dick. I was fine with that but I sure as fuck didn't want you under foot when I explored my top side after the way you practically cried like a child over it all. Once someone stops me from topping them I lose interest in them in that way. And the more you kept your vice of jealousy on me the less I was interested in you sexually at all. Now there is nothing there for me sexually when it comes to you. I don't know how to make that any more clearer than that. I have feelings for you, yes, and don't wish you any harm but that is where it begins and ends. I ultimately had to make the decision for you that we cannot continue with anything because you are just too blind to see how over it is with us. You want to live in some kind of hopeful fantasy state that we will spend time together and end up back together like we did in the past but you are forgetting that only happens in the movies. Where there is a will there is a way doesn't apply to us because I don't will it to happen, sorry... If Rawtop allowed us to change our names and delete our posts/accounts I would have been long gone from this site. I really don't care though and find it amusing how clueless most guys are here about sex and their own damaged psyches.

I cannot begin to express the level of "BULLSHIT" that bigdick4you is sharing in his posts on this site! We dated for a year, on and off, had a lot of drama that was caused by his jealousy and just lack of respect for what we discussed and agreed on. Between him starting fights with me at bars and on the streets in gay areas all over the world, him scratching me when I didn't do what he wanted and just the constant unending complaining about doing anything remotely fun together that didn't involve him fucking me like a spastic jackhammer, there was a complete disconnect. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, explain what your needs and wants in a relationship are in a series of short easy to understand sentences but still not ever get it through to him. An open relationship to him is very simply A. He sleeps with any nasty rash covered bottom that is willing to have him B. Groups scenes with him together where he invites the guys that find him attractive even though he isn't topping them and its supposed to be a gang bang type scene with him sharing the bottom. C. You don't have sex without him. If you talk about it or look at another human being and he knows it, he will do what he can to either cock block it (if its in person) or make you feel badly about your looks or body in some other way. We tried to be friends after being split up for three months now. I suggested we meet in LA because it is easy for me to get to and he can fly direct relatively easy from the UK. I told him there would be no sex, that is just where I am with our relationship at this point. He claimed it wasn't a huge deal but when I brought up the possibility of either of us meeting someone if we are out it suddenly became a problem. Chances are it wouldn't happen or if anything he would meet someone and I wouldn't. I am flirty and social but rarely pick up guys when I go out because i am not worried about quantity like that. I was really more interested in just getting away for a few days, seeing some of the gay LA nightlife, checking out the Tom of Finland exhibit at the MOCA and seeing if we had a friendship worth salvaging after a long year of trying to make a doomed relationship work. It turns out that he was unable to commit to that without a sexual sub-clause there of "if we are both up for it", which I explained I would not be "up for it" with him. He just doesn't understand that friendship doesn't always include sex I guess, which is unfortunate but no longer my problem to try to correct. I just wonder though, he has a few friends that he sees from time to time and he has claimed he doesn't sleep with them, so why if he goes out with them and they meet someone and go home with that person is that OK, but if I were to do that it would be too much after being split up for three+ months? If we are just friends it shouldn't be an issue. If we are ex's who had an open relationship it shouldn't matter. It is not about worry for me meeting some murderer or anything like that... Jealousy has no place in an open relationship or even a friendship. It is just very uncool to try to make plans as friends, have that person clear several days to be away from home to do it, and then dick out on them because you can't handle the jealous feelings inside. Oh and he loved to say "I would bottom for a guy I was in love with", well, guess what happened after months of hearing "I love you".... Screamed like a little girl as I just barely pushed the head of my raw, well lubed, cock into his clenched hole. Utter bullshit!

I will be on the hunt to get my hole thoroughly seeded Saturday August 31st through early afternoon Monday September 1st in the PHOENIX area. I am white 6'2" 210lbs in decent shape with a bit of a belly. Hairy legs and been told I have an amazing fuck hole! I am not sure where I will be, but wherever it is I will be looking to have pump and dump tops stop by and seed me! Also, looking for oral loads as well. Contact me on Bbrt.com (LookingForFunBud http://www.barebackrt.com/members/view.php?id=413879). Pics are there and unlocked. Please don't post replies here as I most likely won't get them! Put rawtop.com in the subject so I know you are responding to this ad. I have been gang banged blindfolded by Rawtop himself and you can read his blog and my own account of it on this site or go to this link: http://www.rawtop.com/blog/2012-04/good-bottom-enough-tops-good-gangbang This is the first time I have attempted another multiple breeding session so I am really pumped for it! Please be white and in decent shape.

MascMountainMan, I appreciate your replies and feedback regardless of what emb says. I don't know why people read and reply to these threads if they are bothered by them so much. In the end I do consider all feedback and find it useful. I don't think you wasted your time. And I agree that this discussion probably is better suited for a private forum but alas we tried that and were getting nowhere with it at first and I don't have many people in my circle that are capable of engaging a situation like this. Sorry if that bothered anyone but I personally have no issue with letting it all hang out and getting down and dirty when something isn't right. It beats being repressed; I did that from age 2 until 25 and it only made me strange and off putting in my life. It took me a long time to put it all into perspective and realize that I was a confused product of Homophobia and Pedophiles until then. I do thank everyone for adding their two cents and think that this topic may help someone somewhere maybe if it doesn't necessarily help us, so how can that be wrong. At least it's good for a laugh if anything, even I can admit that. What you to this day fail to understand is that while I wish my family was accepting and capable of understanding the gay lifestyle they just aren't. My father, especially, has a hard time with it, even though I know he loves me and wants my happiness, and he has had a near stroke at the idea of me being with someone who was five years older and male, much less ten plus years and foreign. He is 81 years old and from a different era. The constant nudging to introduce you to them after just one year on and off together (mostly off might I add) was entirely awkward. I feel like 50% of our ongoing problem was this drive to make me more of a pig like you and you just couldn't accept that I have the need to take it slow and then it might never happen. I acknowledged your "need" to be a pig and never tried to stop you from it but the way you confronted me on my lack of interest on the topic made me feel pressured and as I told you from the start that only makes me shut down. It's unfortunate I guess that neither of us could match the other's speed nor really understand what the other needed out of this relationship, even though we both seem to know what we ultimately want from one.

Oh, and while he is pulling this shit on me and we WERE on the verge of moving in together MY father is practically on his death bed in the hospital! Some supportive wonderful boyfriend this piece of shit turned out to be!

Yeah, and then this happened. We were having a perfectly normal chat while he was on his way to come to visit me and then we were off to Orlando for the 4th and then Germany to find an apartment together after that. Suffice it to say THAT won't be happening as I told him to rightly FUCK OFF. No one talks to me that way. Not when i have been 100% open and honest with him and he has been exposed as a liar more than three times! There was no need for the tone or the threat and he thinks he can be an arrogant prick to anyone he wants. BigDick4you learned the hard way that just as there is a "real him" there is a "real me" too and she is 100% meaner and cold than his inner bitch can be. His iPad was remotely erased after he ignored my repeated "warnings" to cease his texting me. Thank you everyone for you responses, while they did not ultimately make a difference in this case it is good to see that I am not alone in my philosophy of openness and communication. It gives me some hope that maybe the next guy I try to build a life with will be honorable and worthy. Happy 4th of July to you all (that are celebrating) and have a great summer.

I have to agree with that and the other comments below. There is a learning curve for sure and while I tend to be the less jealous one I admit that I sometimes have those feelings, but I just seem to be less affected by them than he is sometimes. Our biggest problems aren't real jealousy though but a sort of fear he has about me doing stuff with other people and that leading to us breaking up or something. Neither of us wants to be hurt by the other and I guess past experiences with other people has shown that happens even in the best of circumstances. We have agreed for the most part for now about how things should be and we seem to be on the same page as each other on the rule of "don't expect me to do or not do something you yourself do or do not do." We had one incident at a bar in London where I went to the restroom and when I came back he accused me of having sex with some guy I didn't even notice, we were drinking quite a bit though and I know he can't handle it as well as I do but it was a serious issue for me because I had no freaking idea what he was talking about and/or if was just an excuse to have an argument. Stuff like that really just puts doubts into my mind though because I don't do that sort of thing ever and I don't want to be with someone who blatantly accuses me of stuff like that out of the blue. The sexcapades thing leading to a visit to a clinic is another concern of us both, and it sort of goes with the territory to some degree but for me it is a bit of a detterant from being active. I don't want to do anything that causes that, even though it may be inevitable, and I sincerely think he is the same but sometimes I really don't know for sure. In the end we think things will go well, its just a matter of keeping the drama at bay and having reasonable communication, I think.

einathens, We've been together on and off for a year as of June 8th. It's a real relationship as far as we are concerned. I think his control is more of a fear of being used or something. I can understand that but its ridiculous to me. I am fairly sure that by now he can influence me in ways but ultimately I am going to do what I think is right (for me and everyone else, but sometimes its me first). He is the first guy to have made it this far with me actually and there is something (insanity maybe) that keeps us coming back together. I dunno, for the most part we have good times together and everything, we agree on most things too, just that sometimes we seem to hit these mountains of miscommunication that are really silly. It seems that even the best of relationships have communication difficulties. I don't know why but I can understand them somewhat. I have always forced myself to a higher standard of honesty than most. I just know from seeing it firsthand that it is far better to deal with the backlash of being honest than the pain and terrible backlash of being found out to be liar. People might not take the truth well, but they take a lie way way worse. If only everyone could remember that and fight the urge to take the "easy way". Sorry for you troubles! I hope you can work past it and find someone that you CAN trust. I think that sort of thing just makes us better bullshit detectors in the end. Practice makes perfect!

Greenchaser, Interesting avatar you got there! And sorry you had to experience that. I too have had a few ex's that were not honest and it came out and destroyed our relationship. Twice it was agreed to be a monogamous thing but it turned out I was the only one following that. I tend to be more monogamously centered when in a relationship but I do have urges and desires from time to time. I can resist those urges if necessary but I prefer to be in a relationship where that isn't necessary. My bf and I agree on that and with him traveling and us living apart it is ideal. This relationship started as a hookup really, actually he was coming to my city and was going to host a gang bang, my second ever after doing my first with Rawtop which was pretty good aside from some tops that should have been screened out but how can you know that beforehand I guess. Things got messed up and miscommunicated and I decided to back out of the gang bang but we decided to meet anyways, and ever since then we've been dating. Its kind of weird to be honest how that worked out. The gang bang was a total failure too, some jealous queen who had usurped my spot as the premiere bottom couldn't handle sharing the tops and then systematically somehow got everyone to not show up (out of the the usual half if lucky that usually does show up). One guy did come and cum and that was fine and we still had a good weekend together and our relationship evolved from that. Anyways, we did the group thing again in Palm Springs, sort of, we had a few tops come over to our room at All worlds and breed me, but we agreed that it was maybe too much and to cut that out for a while. Just since then I've not really had the desire to do a group thing really. I don't know what it is really, a combination of things in a way but its just not important to me and I find one on one is enough considering how little we saw each other at times. Its all really new to me in a way too and I have that HIV negative duality inner war going on at time. I've been risky for a very very long time with poz guys, I honestly thought it would happen to me by now but it hasn't and I get bouts of "Maybe I should try to be safe" from time to time. Its a bit of a conundrum because for all my riskiness I don't really want to get an STD but I know ultimately I don't last going safe for any length of time. I suffer some kind of hiv neg guilt or something weird I guess, I am sure someone has a diagnosis for it somewhere. Anyways, aside from that there is the fact that I am not the super bottom slut I thought I was or aspired to be when branching into the group bottom thing. I wish I was but if the tops don't pump and dump my hole just can't take the heat. I know there is a certain amount of preparation mentally that is involved for me. Stress and conflict with the main top who is hosting will upset that for me as I need to know they are on the same page as I am and are watching out for me, ensuring that it doesn't get out of control. Its just kind of complicated I guess and I think its better left to those who don't suffer the same kind of hangups. The idea of being more of a top, or vers really, is much more ideal because I have discovered (always suspected) that I am more of a dominant bottom than a submissive one. I like giving up control to a point as a bottom though, but ultimately I think a more middle of the road alpha vers is more my place in the world of dom/sub top/bottom and its hard for my BF as he is strictly top (but a bit submissive actually). We are just all over the place with trying to figure it out I guess. He's lucky I am not curious about expanding my skills as a fist top though I guess! lol

Deaner, I agree. I think ultimately it is going to be fine and the talking about what we may or may not do is just complicating things. He has had issues with being honest about some things he's done and honestly it doesn't matter what he does as much as I care about him being able to tell me about it. Talking about sex is kind of a turnoff for me though, it gets to the point where its not even enjoyable to think about it when its this complicated. Easier to just jerk off!

einathens, I agree with pretty much everything you say and I think ideally we both want the type of relationship where we are that free and honest with each other but he has this recurring idea that my lack of ability to be a total 24-7 gang bang bottom is somehow a lack of attraction towards him. Its not. I've had a lot of stress lately and we have had a long distance relationship and that sort of created situations where WHEN we were together my hole just wasn't up to the task of even having him fuck me very long. It's something that I think will lessen once we move in together I hope but who knows. I just know that there are times when my hole is just suffering enough to not handle being fucked for more than a few minutes. Also I've always been more of the type of bottom that just would rather get seeded fast than have to fuck for hours most of the time. BUT, having said that, he seems to jump from one thing to another to another when we discuss all this stuff. At this point we seem to have agreed that neither of us will engage in group sex without the other UNTIL we've done it together at least once. Which is fine with me as I have little interest in that at this point. I merely wanted to gain more experience as a top when we aren't together since he doesn't bottom at all and I am tired of him saying "I will bottom for someone I love" "I will bottom for you" and then it never happens. I am fine with that actually, I understand and respect not being able to bottom, it happens to me as well. I tired to top him once but he stopped it before I was inside even an inch and honestly when that happens I lose interest in trying it again and if he isn't into it I don't need him to do it to please me. BUT, I do have an interest in doing it and so since we have an open relationship I think it is fair that we are both free to do that with others. Of course he will fuck me when we are together but I don't know how I will be able to handle it when we live together. I don't know if its diet or what but something I just have like sharp pains down there and stuff, something isn't right at times. Could be a prostate thing or something else though, something I know I should check out but well I dunno, its awkward to ask my DR that because I am on state health care and they aren't the most receptive to requests. They gave me a hard time just asking for a full STD screening last time. Anyways, its not made up or a lack of desire its a physically not feeling able to do it thing, which I've told him but he seems to always come back to make it an attraction thing. And then the jealousy kicks in but its over nothing!

Its been an endless text discussion, we are not in the same country right now for another week. But now he is switching it to he doesn't want me having group sex without him, which was never a part of any of this. Yet he thinks its fine for him to have group sex without me. It seems as if he is hinging this newest thing on this: If we have group sex together then we can have group sex alone without each other, but if we don't do it together then we can't have group sex without each other. Seems a little silly to me because at the end of the day we are boyfriends and together and either way I am NOT going to end up with someone else, that is not my intention, I just wanted to try out top before I took on a group setting with him as tops because I don't want to get there, have trouble topping and then sit there while he fucks everyone he can. And I don't want him to sit there and just watch me fuck someone, I wanted it to be a balanced scene, where we can take turns but I just don't feel confident enough as a top for that yet.

First mistake almost everyone makes in any situation is to ASSUME anything based on looks or gut feelings. Way better to whip out your cock or just ask someone if they want to suck you off or get fucked. Never assume anything though. ;-) And yes, in my past when I did the bottom thing I preferred no talking, get in get out action as opposed to being bogged down by chit chat or anything else. Married/Bi/Straight guys were usually much more enjoyable and less complicated to hook up with as a rule. Their nervousness was actually a bit of a turn on as well, knowing they wanted it and couldn't resist a ready hungry No questions asked hole once it was in front of them. Also, they always seemed more appreciative and less judgmental when it was all done. Just don't let anyone take advantage of your inexperience!

My bf and I have an open relationship, we are free to have sex with others separately or alone as long as we don't hide it from the other person and/or let it become more than a basic friendship or fuck buddy situation. We are moving in together and he travels for work. Originally we met as a top/bottom situation, where I was the bottom, BUT I have always had a desire to get more experience as a top and seeing as we have an open relationship think its fair to explore that desire on my own in the beginning until I become more comfortable with doing that. I get distracted and being larger than average guys tend to have a hard time taking it and letting me ram how I need to get off. I have never successfully breed a hole because of that issue and/or someone busting into the room on us (happened like three times to me, once was a roommate situation and he was a total nutcase). My bf seems to think that I should just jump right into being a top with him and share a bottom, but he doesn't seem to understand that I have sometimes a hard time staying hard when I top because of my inexperience with it. I am sure once I can get some practice and seed a few holes and get used to it the sensations of a hole choking on my cock that I will get over it though. It has become somewhat of a debate, and it seems as if he just doesn't want me to be having sexual experiences as a top without him there to oversee it or whatever the fuck it is. I get that he gets off on watching but like I said I have experience issues and am not ready to be watched. To me it would be too much like taking a test and sex is supposed to be fun! Meanwhile, he would be free to fuck whoever he finds on his trips or when I am away. It seems like a double standard even though he so gracefully has given me "permission" to GET FUCKED by other guys. We don't have a sub/dom relationship though and I find it kind of insulting that he is free to do as he wishes (top/bottom) but I am somehow not allowed to without resistance from him. Personally I see this as more a security issue on his part, he says he trusts me but I don't think he really does even though I have been completely and painfully honest with him over this last year we've been dating. I thought we were at a point where we agreed to what OPEN RELATIONSHIP means to us as a couple but then this issue crops up. I never said we wouldn't tag team a bottom together in time, just that I needed to get some experience one on one and build up my confidence with it. Is that being unreasonable or asking too much of our open relationship even though he can and will be fucking other guys without me?

An open relationship for us was that A) we were free to play apart from each other without fear of being reprimanded IF we were open and upfront about those acitivites. It was only when BigDick did A but neglected B and then I started to realize it that we had a problem. Once trust is broken it impossible to regain I think. No matter how much I want to trust him, i don't know that I can like I did because I have been lied to and cheated on before by other guys and thought he was different and we had something that would take some work but was ideal for both of us. I am less inclined to have sex with lots of people than he is, I go through spurts I guess of a lot of sex then not so much. I know with his profession he travels a lot and we don't see each other much at times and had no problem with him sleeping around, I just didn't want to be shut out when I asked him what he did the night before. Don't think that is controlling or asking too much. Just a security thing for me to be kept in the loop. I told him everything I did in honor of our agreement, I only expect the same respect.

Travel with what fellow pig? Again, you made no mention of this... We were not together when you posted this and I am not jealous but you said you told me everything and apparently you haven't. A shame really as I told you the truth about my exploits when we weren't together... NICE!

I know I said I wasn't going to scroll anymore but saw this and had to read it a little. NEWS TO ME! We NEVER had any kind of monogamous relationship arrangement. You've asked me if that's what I want and I have said no because I know you are probably incapable of that and would rather have an honest relationship free of guilt and jealousy. I see you've been very busy on this site. I just can't be with someone that I have to constantly baby sit and second guess. Geez louise!

The biggest thing about your delayed honesty is that you present it like a dog bringing his master his slippers or the paper and expect some kind of reward for it. From my perspective, I asked you to honor our agreement and rather than do that you lied and then presented the truth later on in a very "oh by the way, I fucked this guy" (holding his profile page in my face) and trying to apologize. You expect like some kind of instant positive reaction to that and fail to see that its a positive reaction for me not to punch you in the face and just walk away. I abhore violence but you seem hell bent to push me to it on some level with these games. I am not even going to bother reading the previous postings on this site right now. I feel like this is a broken record and much like how you have ignored all the advice of the guys here you seem to just ignore everything we talk about in texts and in person. When we met I was way more interested in group sex and sex in general, now it just sort of turns my stomache to the point that you've cured me of my desire to act on being a "pig" of any type... I told you before I've dated guys that did the same thing, they wanted to have a one sided open relationship where they fuck everyone they see and I don't fuck anyone else. Its essentially what you have had all along and even then you are jealous and horrible. Don't blame the drinking either, because we both know you do this shit sober from a distance as well. You going through my phone this last weekend was over the top too. Not only did you take old texts out of context but those were conversations that occurred when we weren't even together! I don't need to ask anyone here what I should do. I know full well who I am with and in spite of that I've tried like hell to do my half of making this work with you. I just am tired of the manipulation and drama and if I wanted to date a woman I would, and if I wanted to date my mother I would be Norman Bates. I can forgive a legitimate quest for knowledge. I have so far forgiven a lot BUT there comes a point where even a broken record gets thrown out or replaced and the last thing I want is for either of us to get hurt. I think maybe a real issue for me is that you are poz and I am neg, and while I have done a lot of risky stuff over the last decade I have been lucky about staying negative and I go back and forth with how much risk I really want to take, not only sexually but emotionally as well. If it was reversed I don't know how eager I would be for my boyfriend to do risky stuff especially when he expresses to me concerns about that behavior. There is a coldness from you that troubles me greatly about a great many things in our relationship. You say we don't have the connection we used to and I agree because I think all along you've been hearing what you want and disregarding the rest (to paraphrase a bit). You search for deception on my part when there is none. You fail to see that maybe you have a serious sex addiction and on top of that a true desire to be with someone in a loving relationship and those two desires are at war with each other. I feel uneasy about being caught in the middle of that and know there is probably nothing I can do to help you with that without losing myself and who I am in the process. Then what?

Not sure who will see this but feel like some things needs to be clarified here: FIrst of all, in regards to the email thing, we were taking pictures as YOU requested we do, you told me to ask them to take one, which I did and then I offered to do the same for them and then email it to him. I used my "your nothing to me" email address to do this which I rarely if ever check or take seriously and he was NOT attractive enough to even have a one night stand with. Secondly, you know I live with my parents while I am going to school full time to help take care of my dad and the house because they are both elderly and while they can manage on their own they do need help at times like this last week and half where my mother had laser eye surgery and my dad has been in the hospital and had kidney stones removed from his bladder. Sorry if that puts a damper on my mood to have sex but as my boyfriend and being that we are in an open relationship and you DO partake in sexual encounters with others regardless of whether we are together or not, I don't really see that as a huge problem. Thirdly, in regards to you feeling as if you have to "ask" for sex, you have based our entire relationship on the pretense that I am some 24 hour a day seven day a week gang bang whore because of one experience with Rawtop. I don't regret the experience but it was just that, AN EXPERIENCE, and something I didn't mind sharing here because I think there are a lot of guys curious about what its like and its good for us as a community to share our wisdom and experience. Going to stop counting off points now and just get into the meat of this topic: I have embraced our open relationship, I prefer it, because I know I cannot be the always ready to get fucked bottom you seem to think I am. I have said from the beginning that I have top tendencies too and was ok with you not being willing to try that with me, though you tell me all the time you would bottom for someone you love, so that leads me to believe you are kind of full of shit when you tell me you love me and then say you won't do it. Yes, you tried that one time for literally two seconds but then stopped it and it was a huge turnoff. Its a continual turn off to hear you say the above mentioned line of crud because its a mixed signal and confusing and basically just seems like a line. As for you feeling like you need to "ask me for sex and I don't intiiate it myself" WHEN DO I HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO DO THAT? The minute we get into a room or a place with little or no people you turn into a freaking octopuss and I feel like there is no other reason that I am even there. When we go out and start to have a good time and be social, something that is harmless and should be fun you go out of your way to sabotage that with drama, i.e.; being standoffish to questions, groping the guy standing next to me in line that I was idly chatting with while waiting for a drink, making conversation with the ugliest people in the bar as if it was my suggestion and so on. You go out of your way to be embarrassing and off puting to people. Then you apologize and promise to not do it again and expect that to roll immediately into a sexcapade. Even when we first met and were planning to recreate to some extend the group scene I had and posted aboutyou ignored my requests to NOT invite guys over that I agreed to meet. You recall that I backed out of our first meeting which was supposed to be a one time gang bang because you invited EVERYONE on the list, even when I said a few of them are not cool. Then you went on to find other bottoms and carry on. You fed me some shit about wanting to meet anways, no strings or pressures attached and we seemed to hit it off on a deeper level than just sex. We tried the group thing but you managed to offend someone and then they told everyone else not to go or had their own party or whatever so only one guy showed up. If you had simply stuck to the game plan things would have gone totally differently. Then in palm springs, the same thing, you started inviting guys over and THEN showing me who was coming. NOT COOL. Not what we planned and ultimately the beginning of the end of my desire to do the group thing with you. So we modified our relationship to play together alone with the option to play seperately. Something I did maybe twice while we were together. The three or four times we were split up I did meet guys but we weren't together and I told you about EVERY ONE of them (in a basic fashion as I don't think pictures or screennames should be shared unless we are meeting that person together). All I ever asked from you was for you to be OPEN with what you. When I ask you "what did you do this week or day" all I expected you to say was the truth: "I had dinner with friends then fucked this slut yadda yadda yadda" Simple! Easy. No drama. "OK, cool" if I needed to know more I would have asked but I most likely wouldn't. It was only when I KNEW you met someone and then tried to hide it that it pissed me off because I destest being lied to. I have told you that from the start. I can respect a hurtful truth easier than a blatent lie. Yet, it continues to be a cycle of all this shit. You see my being social as an attempt to hook up when all it is me being social and blowing off some steam with my boyfriend. If we had one good night without the drama escapades maybe I would be more sexual, but frankly that is a huge turnoff when I am stressed out from my bf being a total jackass for no reason. I don't know how else to get this through to you. I have said a number of times eventually I am just going to give up and walk away because its just not sinking in. We also discussed keeping stuff like this off the social sites and then a day later you are on here with these threads... What am I suppose to think, say or do? You want me to trust you but you give me every reason NOT to. Its depressing. You are jealous of nothing. I am a boring homebody that doesn't have many friends but used to have lots and just needs some mild social interactions that are drama free. Its one thing if you don't want to do that but then you stand in the way of me doing it outside of AZ at every turn it seems. You tell me you want me to move in and take care of me but then paint me as a leach here. Make up your mind! I honestly am fearful of living with you because I think our days would be filled with needless drama and then it will interfere with my studies and writing. My days consist of text endlessly with you about the same issues all day long when I am not dealing with some drama with my parents. How am I supposed to live any kind of life while you three play tug of war with my heart and mind??? I care for you, I really do, but this is the opposite of being a supportive boyfriend, in the slightest sense of the word. I just don't know why we continue to go in this circle of foolishness. I am trying my best to be good to you and make time for you. I spent pretty much a whole week straight with you while my dad in the hospital. Do you think that makes me feel sexual and good about myself?? And on top of that, I have to read here how shitty you think I am? Come on man...! Really?