justintoolook
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While I admit I kind of recoil at words like "clean," as others have said there's risk to any encounter, and you need to balance the risks to yourself (and your partner(s)) you are comfortable with. But what no one else has commented on yet is the trauma gay men have experienced, and the fact that we're still living with it and working our way through it. At least some of your hesitancy likely stems from the fact that we were traumatized badly as individuals, and as a community, when we were already an out-group to begin with. I've always thought many of the fiction stories here are ways of working through that trauma - whether complex feelings of guilt or shame or regret related to being poz, or survivor guilt for many who are neg. I can't speak for everyone, of course. But many stories are a way of embracing and coming to terms with life in a community where HIV is a daily reality. One of the things I've loved about PreP/TAsP is that it's really starting to heal our community. We see almost never see "HIV Neg UB2" nonsense anymore, and it's been replaced by the much more sensible "U=U," and also with the knowledge that we now have multiple options for preventing HIV infection. We've getting past being so afraid of each other. But it's hard. Your response has all the earmarks of a trauma response. If you have a therapist, you might consider discussing it with them. If you don't, you might consider working through some of this with an LGBTQ-friendly therapist who can help you non-judgmentally find your way. No matter what you choose ultimately, right now you describe desires that you can't engage in because your fear is too intense to do so. Reflecting on that with a professional with some distance from the situation can be helpful.
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Thank you!
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love this story!
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An Audition for the Bare Fuck Club
justintoolook replied to 1981virginia's topic in Bug Chasing & Gift Giving FICTION
where do i audition? -
They should become a throuple. Apex can find love and redemption, and they can be a poz family.