joethomas

Seriously, you're not fucked in the head. You're having some natural hesitation that a lot of people have. I've had it. When I first started being with guys, I insisted on being the top, because I was scared (for whatever reason) to bottom. In my situation, the feelings changed as I became more confident and experienced. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, but at the same time, don't drag other guys into your fantasies if you're not sure you want them involved. If you do that too often, you'll burn a lot of bridges that won't be fixed easily.

Chatted for about 2 minutes with a 25-yo athletic guy on a4a and he invited me over. His profile said he was vers, so I thought I'd have a good chance to top him because I needed to pound an ass. I get into his house, he says hello, leads me to the bedroom, we undress and he orders me to suck his dick. He gets rock hard, takes a big whiff off his poppers and tells me to lay back because he's got something for me. Next thing I know is he's standing beside the bed, lifting my legs over his shoulders, spitting on his dick and pounding me. I can tell he's about to cum and he's saying "You ready for it?" over and over. The thing is I knew I'd seen this guy before, but couldn't place him. So I get a weird vibe, make him pull out and shoot on my chest, and I can tell he's pissed. We get dressed, and he tells me it's time to go. As I'm leaving I realize why I knew him -- a poz friend with a high viral load told me about a year ago that he was topping this 25-yo guy bb on a regular basis, and supposedly the guy admits that he takes poz loads all the time. Depending on how you look at it, it's either a good thing or bad thing I made him pull out.

I mostly top and strongly prefer that feeling, but i got filled by two good raw tops Friday night. My first bb loads in a long, long time. First went to a guy's house 10 minutes away. Met him online on a4a -- nice shape, shorter and stockier than me. He didn't list his hiv status and wouldn't tell me when i asked, so he agreed to use a condom at my request. I get there, he says hello, leads me up the stairs, says nothing, firmly pushes me onto the bed and pulls off my jeans and shoes. Within about 15 seconds he's spitting on his dick and shoving it in firmly while our eyes are locked. He never says a word the whole time. I get rock hard as he's pounding my ass, and 2 minutes later he leans down and whispers "I'm gonna fill you up." Before i say anything he's thrusting 4-5 times and shooting deep. He finishes, gets up and gets dressed quickly, and I can tell he's ready for me to go. I put on my pants and shoes, he walks me to the door, pats my shoulder and says goodbye. After that i'm feeling a little pissed because he didn't play safe as I'd asked, but also turned on because he was an amazing top. As I leave his place, a casual friend of mine -- early 50s, handsome, says he's undetectable but not on meds -- texts me and says he's had a bad day at work and wants to hang out and watch tv. He and I have fooled around a few times, but we always stop short of sex because he says he doesn't want to put me at risk. So I drive 15 minutes to his place, walk in and make small talk, then start kissing furiously. He leads me to his bed, clothes come off, and he puts me on my back, lubes up and slides inside me raw. I'm shocked but so turned on, and I assume he'll probably pull out at the end and shoot on my chest. He flips me over on my side for a while, then onto my stomach. I'd been on my stomach for about 15 seconds when he starts moaning and thrusting harder, and suddenly I feel the warmth of him shooting his load inside me in several waves. He kisses the back of my neck and tells me that I'm the first guy he has topped bb in a year, but says i was worth the wait. Before i got home that night, both guys texted me and said they want to breed me again soon.

I've had great experiences with undetectable tops in the past couple of years with no downside. I still test negative every 3 months. I don't actively pursue the bug, but I realize that it's always possible. But I also realize that every time I get on I-40 I run the risk of being hit by a tractor-trailer rig. Risk is every day, and we're surrounded by it. Either learn to enjoy life experiences while you have them, or spend your life worrying about things that maybe-sorta-kinda-might happen. That choice seems clear to me, and I've enjoyed life much more since I accepted that.

msb, you might have found the ideal situation. That sounds like the perfect top. Enjoy it!

Glad to see that things worked out the way you'd hoped!