polyglutton

Hi all. I don't post much on here but I do read a lot. 
 

I'm 42 and started having sex at 22. I have always been interested in sex with guys my age or older. I avoided men younger than me for a few reasons, but when I lived in a college town in the Bay Area 5-12 years ago, I eventually broadened my range to guys up to 13 years younger. These college guys were so confident and assertive that I eventually gave in. Glad I did!

5 years ago I moved to am isolated, rural place for my job. Mainly because of the isolation and small number of possible sex partners, I've had very little sex. The last two years of strict covid shielding due to multiple comorbiditied has meant I've not had sex. I have a strong libido and it definitely has been depressing for me. 

On grindr the closest guys are 10-15 miles away and few of them are into bears. Today I got messaged by a 16 year old who lives a mile away who was really keen to fuck. Initially I said no but then he told me that the age of consent in this state is 16 and that he's turning 17 soon. 

I have never been with a guy younger than 22 and as I've gotten older my age limit keeps moving up with me because of maturity issues, even just friendship. 

I am only interested in sex, and the mutual sexual attraction seems strong but I have a lot of concerns. He is either pretty inexperienced or is actually a virgin and while I know that is a turn-on to some, I feel weird about that. 

I never thought I'd be considering hooking up with a guy this age, but I would really like to have a regular fuck buddy and he does too. I worry about someone this age making an unhealthy attachment. The most I can offer is a being a sex buddy. How do I assure myself that he is mature enough to understand what heathy boundaries are? I don't want him to get hurt.

Even after 5 years, small-town, rural life is really foreign to me and it presents a host of concerns around privacy that weren't a worries in large cities. 

What if his parents have a way to geolocate his phone? 

We'd have to have sex in some wooded area because I don't feel comfortable having him over.

I never thought I'd be considering this. Any advice is welcome. If he really is a virgin, I want it to be a good experience for him. 

On 3/8/2022 at 8:52 PM, DarkroomTaker said:

No still means no, its not about age or being beautiful. No is No.

I had a bloke who followed me around and everytime I got with someone he intervened and moreorless got rid of the person.

Despite polite requests from me, he continued to harass me.

Final straw was when he grabbed me again and scratched my inner thigh and groin to the extent of blood that I snapped, this bloke used to sharpen his nails into pointed nails.

I reported him to the management, showed my ripped skin, he was asked to leave and signs were put up that No means No.

How awful. I'm glad it at least resulted in a positive change at least. 

I see and hope for a future where human hierarchies are greatly reduced, where conventional ideas of attractiveness are far more nuanced and complex.  

Personally I avoid anyone over 8 because the odds are too high they're either too vain or too privileged for my taste. Also if their social media is made up of 30+% selfies, it's a no. 

15 hours ago, BareLover666 said:

That's a terrible thing what happened to you. Especially after already having PTSD by the therapist you saw for help.

This is a website not about rape, but for people interested into bareback sex.

I am touched by your comments as well as those of @Eroswired and @hntnhole, thank you. 

I should be more specific, the specific part that my brain eroticised initially  was that I was being barebacked without my consent, not rape as such. It's weird. Perhaps as I once heard said, my brain decided that eroticising it was a way of reclaiming power.  His forcing me to go bareback was a much greater violation, especially because of HIV fears (it was in 2001 and I had only recently lost my virginity). 

It was my first time going bare and I was very careful about condoms up until that point. I had a hard time being consistent with condoms after that.  

I buried and blocked the rape for a few years until I was reading a profile of a top on Gay.com a few years later. He said something like "I only fuck bare, whether you want it or not". I was shocked that this turned me on, but it really did.

I had a lot of risky sex after, but I know that if I had not been raped, I wouldn't have ever gone bare until the age of PrEP. 

When I had limited experience with guys, I saw a sleep therapist for treatment via hypnosis for chronic insomnia brought on by PTSD. He took advantage and forced me to have unprotected anal sex while I was hypnotised. It was in front of a mirror too. I remember being hyper aware of what was happening but being totally unable to control what was happening. 

20 years on I'm still unpacking this experience. It was traumatic and I blocked the experience for a few years.

Vexingly, I found out that it somehow as a result my brain eroticised how my choice had been taken away. This felt like insult to injury, and I tried to ignore it. Over the years I have come to accept it, and that's actually what brought me this site. I don't condone non-consensual sex in real life, but I no longer feel guilty for getting off on having consent taken away from me  

I had a close friend to whom I disclosed I was raped via hypnosis and he didn't believe me. It really sucks when people don't believe you in this way. 

These responses are enlightening for me. I really don't remember seeing many profiles with "discrete" when I lived in Los Angeles or San Francisco, but since moving to a small town 80% of the profiles are blank and use the words "discrete only". 

Because of my experiences here, I have come to associate "discrete" with paranoia and a degree of internalised homophobia (both for me are a turn-off and correlated with bad sex). However some of your comments give me some hope and that there may be other ways to look at it. I will try to be more open. 

When I lived in SF I really came to enjoy the freedom and discretion of Steamworks and I really wish small towns like mine had at least a small place with gloryholes or a dark room. It would suit all these "discrete" guys' needs. 

Beautiful cock!

12 minutes ago, polyglutton said:

I would argue that all of these three groups need different app settings with indicator icons or filters so that people who are on there can understand what the person is actually looking for. 

And since a person's mood can change, the indicator/filters should be easy to toggle. E.g. categories with icons or coloured dots for DTF, platonic chat, let's get dinner/a drink right now, let's go do an non-sexual activity now, etc. A user could have multiple indicators up, but ideally just one at a time so others could easily scan/search for them.

16 hours ago, YourNoLimitsBottom said:

.

I've had more luck going out in the world and meeting people. It seems to be easier to attract someone when they see you in person. 

Personality and body language are underrated sexually attractive qualities 🙂

The apps need to be designed better because there are some people who want to find other forms of connection besides sex i.e. "gay community", while there are others who are looking to date, and still others who want to hook up immediately. These are three different groups with different needs, and while some overlap and that's good, it blurs the intentions. 

I would argue that all of these three groups need different app settings with indicator icons or filters so that people who are on there can understand what the person is actually looking for.

Without these distinctions, people who aren't looking for what you're looking for, are forced to engage with you/not engage with you if you're not looking for what they're looking for. This reduces all interactions to attraction only, thereby not only actively preventing friendship or community but also promoting hierarchical culture of appearance (pretty toxic and the last thing the gay/bisexual/queer+ community needs). 

Another thing about apps is that they're premeditative, which gives people endless time for indecision and procrastination. In comparison time in bars and bathhouses are much more finite, and people are more likely to bend or alter their "standards" when they aren't endlessly browsing. Apps corrode this sense of possibility for urban gays.  

I don't have well defined parameters for what I'm attracted to, but I can say that my "standards" are broadest in a bathhouse, and not just the extreme of ass-up-face-down thing, glory holes, or darkrooms, but also in places where I can see. There is something about the striping away of class (no clothes, just towels), lowering the lights, and the down-to-fuck setting that makes me both bolder and more open to finding pleasure with different kinds of men, men whom had I first seen online, I would have equivocated at messaging or considering scheduling meeting or hosting. I really think we should make a collectivist gay app that funds the construction of bathhouses in more places. 

In rural areas the apps are hell, and not designed for the needs of the gay community in low population areas.

These apps are designed to make the owners money, not for our mental health and definitely not to promote pro-social behaviour. Also we did not evolve to be accessible to an infinite number of people, at any hour of the day.  Talking to strangers can be wonderful but it can also be exhausting when people are socialised to handle rejection so poorly. Reasonably kind can people feel anxiety or burn-out at responding to the profile of someone if they're busy, not in the mood, and this doesn't mean they aren't interested. 
 

On 9/24/2021 at 4:32 AM, BritishCumdump said:

For those in the community that have these kind of relationships, are they rare? How do they work? Are there problems with jealousy or such? 

I've been in an open relationship for 14 years. Deconstructing jealousy is essential. You'll need to prioritise finding someone with self-awareness, emotional maturity, and honesty. 

Some people can get there without therapy, but in a society that doesn't actively privilege or promote these attributes, most people (especially men)  need therapy to develop these.

Define ahead of time what love and trust mean to you, and how they would look in practice e.g. love is not ownership or control, trust means respecting boundaries.

The way I see it is while time is a finite resource, love or affection don't have to be.

The book Ethical Slut could be helpful. 

I'm a versatile bottom who *really* loves topping, but for me my desire to top is more mysterious and contingent on the chemistry in person.

I can't tell if I want to top a guy from pictures. I won't know if I want to top them once I kiss them, or feel how their body reacts to mine. 
 

This makes hooking up with bottoms or other versatile bottoms through apps frustrating for me. I really think the gig economy and online shopping has conditioned guys to view arranging sexual encounters as a product and a service (free though!) with all the specifications set before meeting, rather than the spontaneous, flexible, and organic experience I believe is most natural to our species. As Esperanza Spalding sings, "guard the tangible, guard the animal in you". 
 

This is why I really appreciate bathhouses and sex parties, because I feel freedom from "pre-ordered" expectations. 
 

On 9/11/2021 at 6:06 AM, BlindRawFucker1 said:

What I’m getting from the responses so far is, many guys in darkrooms prefer images from past experiences to enhance sex in the dark.

 

So, in essence, you are still visually oriented when it comes to sex, whether you see it that way or not.

 

I know how a male body feels, but have never “seen” one.  How many of you would be happy if you never saw another naked man, whether in person, a picture or a video?  Would you keep coming to this site if rawTOP removed all photos?

 

Keep replying, no matter your opinion.

 

Thanks again.

Your experience and perspective are a gift. 
 

I had read many erotic stories with blindfold and darkroom narratives for years before I actually put myself in those situations. 

One of the hottest memories is one night I when I was blowing this guy at Steamworks, back where they have that blow job arena/ramp thing. He was on the platform a metre above me and I had been deepthroating him for 20 min and my towel had fallen off while I was lost in his cock. I felt someone feeling up my ass, and I just let him explore without looking back to see him. He began to fuck my furry ass as I sucked the other dude and I was in heaven. I never looked back until after he'd pulled out with cum pouring down my leg. While it was happening, I made the decision for the first time to not look back and I waited until he'd gone to turn around.  I found there was an audience of a dozen guys that had gathered  watching.

I can't say fully why it is such a hot memory, but I think it's because of the unknown and the mystery of who it was, and because the top materialised without any action at all on my part. His initiative was hot too, but I think the reason it was especially thrilling was that because I had no visual of him my other senses were heightened.

For me, eye contact can be very erotic, but over all I think visual stimulation is secondary to the other sources of sexual pleasure: nerve endings, touch, texture, moisture, warmth, scent, moans, and taste.

Surely one of the best written stories ever on this forum. Bravo and thank you. 

On 6/7/2021 at 2:24 AM, Pozpunkcumdumpster said:

And I’m thinking the whole monogamy idea was a religious invention. Not a humanist one. The guilt and emotional conditioning associated with doing wrong because the church’s instructions are not obeyed. Anyway sorry not trying to get political at all . 

I'd argue it's a patriarchal invention (ownership and control of women). There are a fair number of religions that are open to polygamy or non-monogamy.

I had a boyfriend who was an escort. We met one night on Scruff and had great sex.
 

I kept coming back each night and after a week he told me he was an escort. I was already into polyamory so this wasn't an issue for me (I don't do jealousy or possessiveness).

I never asked him about the sex he had with his clients, though one time he had a disturbing time with a high-paying client who turned out to be a scary tweaker. It's not easy to fear for the safety of someone dear. 
 

He was 27 (I was 35) and he was a marvel of stamina, he fucked me 2-3x a day daily for the three months we were together with a pretty long dick. I was in piggy heaven and we cuddled a lot. I loved always having his cum inside me at all times, and when he came I could feel him cum because the fit was so tight and deep. 

His escorting had nothing to do with why the relationship ended. 

On 7/2/2017 at 6:10 AM, Sharp-edge said:

 I also know it's not the best thing to have a love affair between doctor and patient but come on, it's about teeth it's not unethical for me.

Could you transfer his dental care to a colleague and carry on with the friendship? 

People should declare before getting to the sexual act if they don't like tasting cum. It's disappointing when someone freaks out over it out of no where. 

On 5/15/2013 at 4:38 AM, NLbear said:

Yes, but a lot of Spanish guys seem to use it.

Yes, and Portuguese too, spelled tchau

On 8/22/2021 at 9:38 PM, depravedslut said:

Maybe the key is "no self-esteem"?

I don't think there is causation between sluttiness and self-esteem. Cumdump/anonymous sex is just a variety of sex. 
 

In the 1400s Florence, Italy roughly half of the male population had sex with other men, and a great deal of it was happening in public places. 
[think before following links] https://overcast.fm/+RGIQgSZNs (Link to Bad Gays podcast episode discussion)

2 hours ago, LetsPOZBreed said:

 The longer that lockdowns persisted, though, that shifted.  My fantasies got more intense, and even darker in nature 

This has happened to me too 

On 3/30/2021 at 3:40 AM, drscorpio said:

It continually astounds me that we are almost a decade into PrEP being available in the USA, and I regularly still have to explain it to some clueless hookup.

I live in a rural, poor part of the US and almost none of the guys have even heard of PrEP regardless of age. 

8 hours ago, ErosWired said:

But being murdered by a regular psychopath with no religious views or intent to extort would be fine?

Look, dude, this question is just not reasonable to ask. You are asking us to give you advice on where to go to place yourself in significant danger, and answering may not even be permissible under the site owner’s new posting restrictions. We get this as a fantasy, but I think I reflect the rational majority here in saying that acting on it isn’t something this community can get behind.

Not to mention racist to paint Africans and Middle Eastern men as rapey

On 9/29/2020 at 2:22 PM, BootmanLA said:

When I first started hearing stories about how much misogyny there was within the gay community, some decades back, I thought surely that must be an artifact of an earlier time. But threads like this remind me it's alive and well.

Yes, and if one looks deeply enough homophobia ultimately has its roots in misogyny. The more we dismantle the patriarchy, the more liberated and safe gay cis men will be.  Also free to be sluts 🙂

The poll seems weird. What about an option for those of us who stopped all hookups for the duration of the pandemic? 12 months doesn't sound like "a time"