Turned on and scared by bb sex

[ersatzspieler]

Hey,

I'm very much turned on by the idea of being fucked bareback and pozzed. I get a hard as soon as I log in to this site and wank of almost all the time with these fantasies. However, whenever I found a guy online who was poz and wanted to fuck me, I didn't go to meet him, as I was scared too much.

What do you think: is being pozzed only a phantasy? Or am I in a kind of transition period?

Thanks for your time, guys!

[rawTOP]

It's a transition period. Many barebackers go through it.

But during this time you might also decide it's just not worth the risk. The problem is, it turns you on and you wank off to it. That's not going to go away and you'll desire it more and more in part because you don't let yourself experience it. Barebacking is sort of a one way street - but it's up to you to decide how slowly or quickly you go down the street.

[FatFuckPigMA]

More like a cross road. You need to figure out which way to go. Keep in mind, deciding to et barebacked is not the same thing as getting oozed. There are ways to reduce (though not eliminate) the risk, if you want. I advise making one decision at a time.

[Guest mspchaser]

I still remember the first poz guy to fuck me (or at least the first guy I knew to be poz). A really hot twink who had just converted a few weeks earlier. I told him that I wanted to use condoms, but it took him putting his dick in me with a condom on before I wanted that gone and him fucking me bare. Nearly a decade later and I'm still taking poz loads and still testing neg. In fact, I just got tested today... waiting for results!

[boiznuts]

It is a one-way street, like rawTOP said. "Once you become a pickle, you can never be a cucumber again."

If your intuition tells you that something isn't a good idea, it probably isn't (especially when your libido is the only thing telling you to do it). I had the same thought pattern before I started shooting dope: "Man, I know this is dangerous and addictive, but I really want to see what everyone is raving about!" Did I find out what was so great about shooting up? Yes. Do I wish I would have listened to my conscience and not tried it? YES.

[Guest bbosouno]

I agree with rawtop 100%, barebacking is a one way street...best example and best cliche I can think of is ...Russian roulette...the first time you might get infected or not...its a game you play every time. You simply cannot revert to being negative again once poz and you "change your mine." I'm poz and I've known quite few guys with exactly the same strong fantasies as you...some people cross the fantasy to reality, others the fantasy is stronger and they want it to remain that way! Bottom line its up to you,

[ersatzspieler]

Thanks for your thoughts!

In fact I do bareback some times (and I love it whiel I do it and am scared afterwards, with the "never again"-promise until I do it again), but I've always run away from the poz-guys, even if they turn me on so much in my phantasies.

Ok, so I will wait and see if this period vanishes or not. And maybe yes, why not doing some bareback while at least minimizing the risk. Might work out for me.

Thanks again!

[Andalas]

I agree with Rawtop, I went through the very same thing. Was turned on by it, tried to ignore it and say I wasn't you know not really. I avoided the poz tops at first too, but the first time I had sex with a poz top and totally gave into my poz lust was one of the hottest times I have ever had. I haven't regretted it since. I find it to be so much more freeing and relaxing if you just acknowledge what turns you on and accept it.

[drscorpio]

My recommendation would be to enjoy taking loads without actively chasing. I have been taking loads for 10 of the last 15 years (5 year hiatus when my partner and I first met and were monogamous - I was taking loads but only from him), and I am still negative. It could happen that way for you, too.

[rawTOP]

I have been taking loads for 10 of the last 15 years and I am still negative. It could happen that way for you, too.

That reminds me - if you've got a little money ($99) you can do a 23AndMe test and know whether you're resistant or immune to HIV or if you're an HIV controller who can stay off meds for years without any problems. For the more analytical among us, it's data that can help you come to a decision more easily.

[rickjamel]

I went through that phase. I came out of it when I realized that for me it was a matter of being able to resist it. When I can I do but sometimes I find I'm in the car driving knowing I'm going to take raw cock and expect to be bred. I'm not at the point where I do it as a choice. I take loads when I can't resist and don't feel bad about it. I know deep down I'm a cum pig and I fuckng love it.

[PhoenixGeoff]

There are two separate but related questions here. The first is using condoms or not. The second is promiscuity generally. Eliminate one or the other and your chances of remaining negative are probably pretty decent.

I sometimes wonder about why I find both barebacking and promiscuity so hot. They both turn me on immensely. I've got a minor fantasy where Dawson cums in my ass, not because I find him attractive (he's not really my type) but because the idea of getting bred by a guy who's such a notorious slut turns me on immensely.

It is undeniable that barebacking, either as a top or bottom, feels better. But not "you'll die if you catch HIV from this load" better. For me, I think the risk itself, combined with the knowledge that I was doing something that most people, gay or straight, would consider inexplicably unhealthy and bad. It's a form of rebellionI guess. The promiscuity is probably a combination of a cultural holdover from the pre-AIDS days and that same rebellious attitude against all the people out there who say gay men should never have sex and that marriage implies monogamy and that sex should only be reserved for one context: within the bounds of matrimony for the purposes of procreation.

Anyways, what's the progression like? Mine involved a number of things. Visiting the forerunners of this site was one (I went to the #gaybareback channel on IRC expecting to find hot cowboys and discovered hot men who shared my secret love of fucking without condoms; prior to that, I thought there was something severely wrong with me because all the gay men I knew seemed to have no problems with using condoms and thought they were great). Another was "slip-ups"every now and then. Maybe I went to the bathhouse after a night of drinking and some guy took advantage of my inebriation to top me raw.

After both of those, the next step was deliberately blinding myself to the potential risks. I stopped asking guys their status and just assumed they were neg if they looked healthy and if I hadn't heard anything to the contrary. I just didn't talk about status, unless of course, if asked I was always negative. I didn't even get tested as often as I should. This was the "head in the sand" phase of things. I'd still feel guilty and scared after getting my ass bred by some stranger, but those feelings were fading, and I'd do stupid things to reassure myself, like assuming that everyone would both know their status and be honest about it. Or sneaking into their bathroom after having sex to rummage through the medicine cabinet looking for HIV meds.

Finally, even that token amount of resistance to barebacking faded. In part, it was because I was sleeping around with whoever I could find as often in possible, so the familiarity and regularity of the experience with no bad consequences made HIV seem to recede as a threat. It was only after that point that I decided that I was tired of whatever guilt and fear I was still feeling each time I had sex.

The last step was letting a guy I knew to be poz cum in my ass. I'm actually a bit ashamed of the story of how I realized I'd crossed that line. I'd driven down to Atlanta from Ft. Campbell for a long weekend of going out and drinking and having as much sex as I could squeeze in. There was a guy in the back room of the Eagle there who was about my age and pretty hot, so I just went up to him and bent over to suck on his cock and get him hard enough to fuck me right there. He immediately told me he had just tested positive within the last day or two. His cock was rock hard and he obviously would have loved to have fucked me but was really trying very, very hard to make to difficult, correct moral and ethical decision. My response was to ignore what he was saying and to keep trying to back my ass up onto his cock because I wanted sex with him and didn't give a damn about the risks. He eventually looked at me inexplicably...he couldn't understand why I wanted him to fuck me so badly and wasn't treating him like a pariah. He finally started getting a little angry with me for being, to his eyes, so patently stupid. I eventually gave up on him and moved on to finding someone else to fuck around with there in the backroom.

I do now feel guilty about trying to pressure him into doing something that clearly would have conflicted with his morals, especially when the emotional baggage surrounding being diagnosed was so fresh with him. It was an incredibly disrespectful thing to do.

But that was truly the moment I became the barebacking sex pig I am today in full. Being so horny that you'd knowingly take a poz load just because you want to get fucked and won't take even the most basic steps to protect yourself. It's one thing to become a pig after you're diagnosed, quite another to do it before.

Oddly enough, having HIV has actually diminished my horizons for men I can bareback with. When you're negative, the only guys who'll refuse to bareback with you are a small subgroup of HIV+ men like that guy in Atlanta who wont do it for moral reasons even if the potential partners aware of his status and has consented to the risk like I did that night. Unfortunately, a lot of HIV+ men do still feel like social outcasts even in well-educated communities like those where a lot of gay men live. And sex will make you feel a bit better for a little while...it's a form of personal validation, that someone else finds you, personally attractive. So there's a strong temptation to conveniently "forget" to disclose if the guy we want to fuck is hot enough.

It's taken me a long time to figure out my ethical system for dealing with the disease in the context of my sex life. In most situations, I do my level best to put my status out there as early in the cruising process as possible. As part of my profile, or mentioned in an email message or early in the conversation if we meet in a bar. But unlike the guy whose cock I wanted so badly, if the object of my desire doesn't object to barebacking then I do assume he understands the risks and has decided the same way I did, thus taking responsibility for himself. There are a few exceptions to this, which mostly revolves around anonymous sex in certain contexts (another big fetish of mine). A guy who's ass up in a dark room waiting for anyone and everyone to come by and fuck and unload in him obviously is HIV+ already or doesn't really care. In general, if I'm pretty sure a guy cruising a park or arcade or other venue for anonymous breeding is gay and has a reasonable understanding of what the eventual results will be. A young kid from a small town in Mississippi who's just discovered that men will cruise for anonymous sex with each other in the rest area ten miles away probably needs to be told a bit more explicitly about the risk hes taking

[ersatzspieler]

Hey guys,

thanks again. Sooner then expected I've yesterday knowingly taken the first poz cock up my ass, bare. It was really hot and I get hard again writing this. However I feel also a little awkward. I've told a friend, he advised to go to the doctors doing a PEP.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

One poz load is not terribly likely to convert you... Has it happened? Yes, but not very often.

Was the guy poz undetectible? Or poz not on meds? If undetectible, you're not likely to get HIV.

Another factor is blood contact. If he fucked you rough; if there was pink or red blood after he fucked you, that dramatically increases your chance of acquiring HIV. If not, less likely.

PrEP is certainly a good option for now, especially if you know there was a very good chance of blood contact. Only you can make that decsion ersatzspieler. If you're looking for a longer term plan, you can discuss with your doctor going on Truvada as a preventative. CDC approved Truvada for prevention last year. Their thinking was for serodiscordant couples, but certain applies to guys who are active and bare; and who wish to attempt to lessen the risk of HIV further.