Advice Needed in Open Relationship

[nairbinaz]

New member, first time to site. Honestly, just need some perspective. I'm in an open relationship for a first time. I'm top, he's bottom. We both like quantity. We moved in together about 1 month ago. Between us, there are big, grande statements of love, trust, etc... Thought it was amazing, best of all worlds. Because it's new to me, I put some requests/limits on our play:

1) No lies. Always honest and always covering each other's back.

2) I'm not really into fisting... and... is hole is getting way too loose. I asked, no fisting for 1 year. Let's ease into this.

3) Just all around loyality to each other... no one comes between this great bond we have

So...

1) Find out he was planning a hook-up with a mutual acquaintance and a deal was struck not to tell me. Broke my trust in him.

2) He gets caught in white lies all the time. For example, hooks up on our planned date nights and tries to cover it up. I get annoyed because if we are completely open, just choose another fucking night and then don't lie to me on top of it.

3) He uses me as a scape goat with online hook-ups. For example, "can't tonight, bf is being high maintenance."... meanwhile, i'm fucking oblivious to the entire conversation.

He says I overact and should chill. I think, can't you be a pig and have some dignity too?

Thoughts?

[Bttm2go]

Sounds like things are not working out for you. It does seem like you can't trust him. And hook ups may not be the only issue with trust. I am in a long term open relationship. Ours is a don't ask, don't tell relationship and it works for us. He is very vanilla. I am very kinky. I hope you can find a guy who will respect you.

[pisstopper]

I've always been a big believer in open relationships being just that - open. It's the secrets and jealousy that creep in and ruin things. My partner and I have an open relationship and have two of the basic ground rules you both have theoretically adopted. 1) No secrets. As soon as we are living separate existences that only overlap now and then there's too much room to grow apart. We don't always play together, but when he tells me stories of his own independent adventures they can get me just as excited as my own. I would consider his plan to keep something a secret a major violation of trust. That secret is about him holding something over you not about you sharing with one another

2) don't change plans for hook ups. If we've planned something together - a dinner or theater or something, we don't cancel on each other just to fuck around. Us first. Of course on special occasions each of us has graciously offered to bend this rule for the other, but that is always a mutual decision. You're right to be pissed off. Sounds like your ground rules need to be clarified and respected

Two other rules we have - No dating. Fwbs and fbs aside, ongoing interactions with others aren't allowed if one of us must be excluded from all interactions. And finally - we don't ask each other to leave to use our place for hook ups. If we're both home and you wanna play at our place, you play with both of us.

[bigdick4you]

U should leave his sorry ass immediately! U obviously don't feel good with situation and he is obviously a liar.... When there is no trust.... Best is to end it immediately... It won't get better but worse... Open relationships r tricky and set rules need to be made by both partners.... Rules that u r both comfortable with and can obey by...

[ffoz]

I agree with 'bigdick4you'. Been there done that. Seriously, it's not worth the pain. My ex bf (was suppose to be a 1-1 relationship) was caught playing up every second he could get........to the extend of doing 'beats' at with the University where he worked and event 'sex on premises' places in his lunch hour. The list excuses could go on and on. I put up with it for almost 6 months. We broke up, I packed the house up while he was out getting 'fucked' by anything with a cock.........Dump the guy, it's not worth the dramas that follow. I been single now for about 5 years and still having ffun. Doh, I do miss the cuddles in the mornings. All the best to you mate. HUGS.

[Ranger Rick]

1. A guy who breaks dates for the sake of hook ups is selfish and rude. 2. A guy who lies about things he doesn't have to lie is compulsive about it. This will not end well. You should prepare to find someone more trustworthy. And *he* should run for the Senate from New Jersey; he's eminently qualified.

[bbzh]

Open relationships require rules. These rules must occasionally be revisited to see if they still work for both sides. The rules have to be airtight if you live under the same roof. And some dicks and some asses should simply be off limits (eg friends, ex-es, relatives etc)

Trust your instincts. If you don't feel at ease with the guy, just end it. Life is too short to be putting up with a situation that makes you unhappy. If he cares anything about you, he will want to make you happy or at the very least meet you halfway.

But be willing to be challenged on why you want the rules that you put on the table.

[JerryGumby]

Of all the advice I've offered to couples best I can offer is don't say one thing to each other and do something else behind each other's back. Trust is important. Your sexual interests may be different - sex for most of us is a "recreation" love making is for lovers. Hope things will work out ... COMUNICATE with each other or maybe you should both go your separate ways.

[evilqueerpig]

Get out of the relationship ASAP. If you can't trust the guy, don't risk getting hurt.

[bbzh]

I'd like to add a couple of more things that work for me.

1) on any online profiles, both should state you have an open relationship (that does deter some guys and shows you both respect your relationship to some degree)

2) do not link your profiles on chat sites - ever. Lonely bitter jealous queens will go out of their way to try and break you two up even if they have no real interest in either of you. I suspect that this may be how you are getting some of the feedback you have. It's hateful and spiteful behavior. My bf sings in a choir and had talked about me to a fellow choir member. Said choir member started blowing up my inbox with nude pics asking for a date. I just happened to share this with the bf and we put two and two together. The guy is hot but is an asshole. But I would never fuck him now. Why? Because he would surely brag about it.

3) every person deserves a zone of privacy; as hot as you might think it is to hear all his sexcapades, please understand that if he suspects you won't approve of it (eg fisting, hooking up behind your back), then he won't tell you. Period. Your right to know ends where his zone of privacy begins. This is where the lying starts. Don't ask don't tell works better for me. I try not to ask and while my bf tries to downplay his extracurricular activities, he turns around and tries to ask what I'm doing. Open means open. The quickest way to feel jealous is to hear your man talk about some good dick or ass he got that wasn't yours. Especially if it's a local trick. I have a few fuck buds that have been dicking me down for years who pose absolutely no threat to my relationship, but still my bf doesn't like it. I get it and I shut the fuck up about it.

[nairbinaz]

hey guys,

i'd like to thank each of you for sharing your experiences and lessons learned. i gotta admit, the bf had always been a fan of this site and i knew little about it. i'd read a few posts here and there and didn't think it was for me. in all honesty, some of the stuff is can be a bit shocking to virgin (ahem) eyes. but i decided to open my mind and give it a shot. anyway, i have no frame of reference for navigating an open relationship... especially a piggy one. so, again, thanks.

i think the big take-aways for me are: 1. don't like about the small stuff because it makes the trusting the big stuff more difficult. 2. give each other some privacy. 3. watch out for all the assholes who will want to come between us for sport.

later guys.