Do I tell her I'm poz?

[VersatileBreeder]

A few of you guys had been following my thread in the HIV/Sexual Heath Issues section about how I recently turned poz and was scared out of my mind. You all offered great advice and words of encouragement, which I thank you for. There is another issue I am dealing with that is tagging onto this one. Wondering how some of you guys would handle it.

Story goes... I am bi and have a girlfriend. I left this out of my other thread because it was irrelevant at the time. Now that I have a clearer head, I am bringing it up because it is something I have to deal with. To answer your questions (because I know alarms are going off in your heads right now), the answer is no, she was never at risk of getting HIV from me. We were together for nearly a year until the summer and we took a break. Got back together about a week before I started having fuck flu symptoms. We haven't had sex since the summer, at which time I know I was neg. I had two tests from August to November that proved that. So, no risk issues for her.

My issue is she has no idea I am into guys at all. NONE. And she has even less of an idea that I am a total fuck pig when it comes to guys. I was more sweet, smooth and passionate with her in bed. I have not let her on to believe that anything is wrong in my life right now. She thinks all is well and normal. I know I have to end this relationship, as much as it pains me to do so. My New Years resolution was to be more true to her and not a total whore behind her back. Of course, I would have maintained one or two fuck buds, but I wanted to make it work with her. Clearly, now that is no longer a possibility. I know a serodiscordant relationship is possible, but she would never go for that. I don't want her to mix her up with this issue of mine anyway.

I know I have to end things soon but I don't know how. I either have to lie and make it sound like I am not happy in the relationship, which will kill her and kill me even more because I know I am breaking her heart based on a lie. The other option is to tell her the truth, that I am HIV+. That is going to throw her. She will want to know how I got it. What would I tell her? Right now, nobody in my life knows about my HIV status and I want to keep it that way.

What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I hope you will let her share in choice of what's next. She may choose to accept you, and she might choose PrEP which will protect her - and children you might have should it go that far.

If it is a relationship she has to know all of you so be honest, but also sensitive how you phrase things. For her it will all be new. So you got it from a sexual encounter. She doesn't need to know the details of that though. If she responds well it might progress to more detail, but take that part slow. She absolutely has to know your status before you have sex (in fact you should work on getting used to disclosure with any sex partners save, perhaps, in baths...).

So, before progressing to disclosure, absent HIV, where would you take this relationship?

[Rayne]

Her reaction to telling her should not interfere with actually telling her. If you want to base your relationship upon lies, which you have done indirectly through omission, then there's no need to tell her. On the other hand, telling her opens up a world of options. You can either run from a potential problem, or face the "problem" at hand and potentially come out with a future wife/partner that doesn't care about your poz status. Sure, there are many alternative outcomes, but having anxiety over what will happen doesn't make a difference to the actual outcome. The longer you wait to tell her, the angrier she is likely to get; not to mention she will be much more likely to leave you for not trusting her.

Overall, there is more good that can come from telling her than not, and there is more bad that can come from not telling her than telling her. It's very simple, but emotions are the part that complicates it. Take a day or so to just relax, let it settle in, and then make your decision. Don't think about her reaction, don't think about how you're going to handle it, just focus on remaining objective. The more objective you become, the better you'll handle the situation, and the more likely she is to see why you didn't come straight to her crying with bad news (so to speak).

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't say it unless I thought I was irrefutably wrong; especially in this situation. Human psychology is very simple; it's understanding each individual's reasoning that can be complicated.

[bb1991]

I think whether you plan to stay together or split up, it would probably be best to tell her.

You say you want to split up. Having not had sex with her since catching HIV you could think you have no reason to tell her. Yes that might be easier in the short term, but what happens when word starts going round?

You tell friends and family and before you know it everyone knows - and it will get back to her. How is she going to react?

Most would freak and be very scared they may have got HIV. She might stir up no end of trouble or even contact the police and allege you have knowingly exposed her to HIV. In which case you're stuck with months (even years) of grief, trying to tip to through the legal system and prove you contracted the virus after ceasing sexual contact with her (not to mention the humiliation and aggravation of personal examinations and police interrogations). And the legal system isn't perfect - judges and juries have found many innocent people guilty.

I think the best thing would be honesty about your infection. Tell her you screwed around during your break (you don't necessarily need to say it was with guys - straight people catch HIV too) and that you have unfortunately caught HIV.

She may not be "ok" with it, but she can at least be reassured she was not exposed to something, and it is going to be a better situation than if she hears it on the grapevine and freaks out.

[TigerMilner]

I was in the same situation only it was a married man, not a woman. At first I was like telling everyone. It was actually my Doctor to advised me to chill out on telling people. He told me I was in shock and not thinking clearly. He told me I might feel differently in 6 months to a year. You can't un-tell someone. Don't get hung up about breaking her heart based on a lie. You obviously have been lying to her all along, so get over that. Not being cold here, but you might regret telling her. She might feel angry and resentful and tell people you wouldn't want to tell. You do need to end it. Then I would reccommend you chill out, spend the next 6 months taking care of your self. Get your health in order. Then re-evaluate. Dont' rush into telling the world. The world, and your girl friend, can and will wait.

[Rayne]

I was in the same situation only it was a married man, not a woman. At first I was like telling everyone. It was actually my Doctor to advised me to chill out on telling people. He told me I was in shock and not thinking clearly. He told me I might feel differently in 6 months to a year. You can't un-tell someone. Don't get hung up about breaking her heart based on a lie. You obviously have been lying to her all along, so get over that. Not being cold here, but you might regret telling her. She might feel angry and resentful and tell people you wouldn't want to tell. You do need to end it. Then I would reccommend you chill out, spend the next 6 months taking care of your self. Get your health in order. Then re-evaluate. Dont' rush into telling the world. The world, and your girl friend, can and will wait.

I'm not going to debate your opinion; that's a pointless affair in itself. I'm going to pose these questions instead to help analyse the idea, as I don't entirely agree or disagree. Consider it criticism that can go either way

1) If you don't tell her, and she finds out, how will YOU feel? Forget about her feelings, worry about YOU first. If you can't be happy with your actions, how can she be happy with them?

2) If you avoid telling everyone, then you're either lying to everyone by omission (and ultimately to yourself), or you're simply avoiding the truth due to emotional pain (which is entirely mental, and can be overcome if a person desires). Therefore, wouldn't it be better to simply get it out of the way that you are poz, just so the "hurt" is over with?

3) The act of assuming the worst is what has prevented people from obtaining their lifelong dreams, from being an artist, or even a physicist, to just being a complete slut. If you fear the worst, what good are you really doing? If anything, you're preventing things from happening that could very well be positive. It isn't a bias towards optimism or pessimism, it's the reality that people can be unpredictable with their reactions, and it's no better to assume the worst than to assume the best.

People should consider these questions and have a rational answer that they personally believe, because their actions are what matter most in this world. It's a philosophic approach, but philosophy has its uses. Considering the fact that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, aka Newton's third law of physics, it's easy enough to assume that your choice is going to have a reaction of opposite effect in everyone's lives.

[versgeek]

If you're not ready to tell people in general then you shouldn't tell her. You shouldn't feel guilted into sharing and you've just gone through a major shock. It might be a good idea to tell her when you're ready to tell people, though. Break up with her and don't lie. Tell her that you've changed since the summer and that you feel that the relationship can't work for you. You don't owe her a full detailed explanation. Put yourself first.

[pozpig]

My personal feeling on this comes down to respect for the person. Bottom line, you have a relationship with this person that should be based on trust between each other. I agree that she doesn't need to know the details of how you contracted HIV, but she, at the VERY LEAST, deserves to know that there is risk. My suggestion is to get it out in the open and let her make the decision. I'll almost guarantee she'll get upset, ask questions, and initially push you away. It's fear that will be driving this. The best thing you can do is remain calm and collected, answering any questions she may have, but keeping details you don't want give to a minimum. She just needs to know it happened through a sexual encounter, not whom, or other details. Make sure you express your feelings about the future of any relationship with her. Especially if you'd still be okay with the occasional date, etc. If she really had feelings for you, she'll come back around after she's had time to absorb the news.

[PissPigBrooklyn]

Yo do need to tell her but first you need to stop beating yourself up for becoming HIV+. I base this on you continuing to call yourself a "total whore." Is there anyone you can trust with the knowledge of your status first, any other friend who knows you dig guys or whom it would be easier to trust with this information. I would suggest telling them first because no matter what her reaction is you would at least then have someone to comfort you. There are a great bunch of guys on here most assuredly so but best if you can sit down with someone face to face before and after this situation. Failing face to face a telephone conversation. I agree with those who say she needs to be told and soon but first build some support for yourself.

[wood]

If you're not ready to tell people in general then you shouldn't tell her. You shouldn't feel guilted into sharing and you've just gone through a major shock. It might be a good idea to tell her when you're ready to tell people, though. Break up with her and don't lie. Tell her that you've changed since the summer and that you feel that the relationship can't work for you. You don't owe her a full detailed explanation. Put yourself first.

yeah I agree here. It seems that you care for her, but its time to care for yourself right now. And while this may seem callous, you have only been together a year. That will come and go. If you feel like telling her later, so be it, I just dont see the point in doing it right now.

[VersatileBreeder]

Thanks for the responses guys. I actually just went for dinner with her this evening. We were just shooting the usual shit- life, work, family, friends, etc. The timing definitely didn't feel right to interject with the news, but God, one side of me really wanted to tell her. The other side was rationalizing that it's not I can't tell her and this for sure is not the right time.

I know some of you guys felt that the right thing to do is tell her, while others felt I shouldn't tell her if I'm not comfortable. Here are some things to take into consideration that I didn't mention:

1) If she finds out that I am HIV+, she will not freak out in fear that she was possibly exposed. Why not? Back in the summer, after we had been sexually active for some time, she went on the pill. Knowing that we were going to have unprotected sex, she suggested we both get tested and I agreed it was a good idea. I was honest that I have "been with a few people" (though I didn't delve into how many) and she claimed it was a long time, but she also had a couple of partners in the past. We both got tested and each of our results were clear across the board.

2) I have not told ANYONE except for one gay friend of mine who is also poz. He is the only friend that knows. Everyone else- my family, friends, co-workers, etc have no idea and I want to keep it that way. I asked my ID doctor today if he had any suggestions of if I should tell anyone. His recommendation- keep it on a need to know basis. Unless someone is at risk of getting it from me (e.g. a sex partner), keep it to myself. If I tell her, even if she promises not to tell anyone, it's still now out there.

3) She has a very good relationship with my mom and my sisters. She talks to them all the time. I would be so afraid if she knew the truth, she might worry so much about me not having a support system that she might cave and tell them out of pure worry. I CANNOT have that happen.

4) She loves me insanely. Even though it has only been a year. She would take a bullet for me. Quite frankly, these are the reasons why I think she is too good for me. It's a slap in her face that while we were on a break and all she wanted was to get back together with me, I was fucking around behind her back and wound up getting HIV. That will hurt her so bad. On top of that, she is naive about HIV. To her, HIV = AIDS = Death. One track mind. She will think I am going to be dead in a few years and that will wreck her. After everything she has done for me, I cannot put her through that.

[Rayne]

Sounds like you're getting emotional about this. Take some more time to think about, and make sure you can come to a conclusion that works for you. Telling her may be the right thing to do, but the most inconvenient; inversely, not telling we could be right, but it leaves a lot of things unaddressed. It's a catch 22, and you need to figure out the best outcome for you alone.

I would like to know why you cannot have your own family know, as it makes me wonder what else you may be hiding. Are you simply embarrassed to have it come out? Embarrassed about them finding out how you obtained it? Or is there more to it? Regardless othe answer, you're simply trying to hide this from people, instead of just not bringing it up. If you were going to avoid the topic, fine; but hiding it means you hide it for a reason, while not bringing it up implies that it isn't important. Either ignoring the issue, or bringing it up will yield a positive outcome, if at all, for either side.

Whatever you choose, don't say anything until you have calmed down over actually being poz. No sense in bringing it up while you're still vulnerable, especially when women can be little manipulators lol. Just take it a day at a time, think about YOU, and go from there. Thinking about who may know, and their reactions is not going to help you in the first place; let alone help you figure out who to tell.

[hungry_hole]

This is a tough one.

Part of the problem that poptronic is having is a consequence of living in a society that does not accept male homoeroticism as normal but as a deviation left for those called "gay men". Contrary to what most people think, male-male sex should be part of the normal behavior of all men instead of sex between men seen as appropriate only for the men who are "weak", those who are not "real men."

Women believe this crap and because they have very little sexual interest in other women they assume that the so-called heterosexual men have absolutely no interest in other men, only in women. When women learn that "their" man has been having sex with other men they feel inadequate for attracting a man who is not a "real man."

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation because there are two issues: having sex with men and being infected with HIV. One possibility is to talk only about having sex with men but not the HIV. But this only if you are sure the girlfriend is OK.

[bb1991]

If you're not going to tell her, you cannot have sex with her. Even if it's protected, any reasonable person is going to freak when six months down the line someone says "oh yeah, I've got HIV." And if in the past you have been having unprotected sex, she'd surely be suspicious of you suddenly using a condom (and even more likely to freak at the possibility of HIV).

If you don't want to tell her up, you might not necessarily have to split up, but you cannot have any sexual contact with her without exposing yourself to a barrel load of shit later on.

[Guest Kloik]

Do not at all have sex with her until you tell her..giving someone hiv when they dont want it ruins their life....you have to tell her about it and let her decide.