Open LTR after HIV diagnosis?

[Human Behavior]

I've been with my partner for almost 9 years now. Last year, we both found out we are HIV+ after he told me he had cheated on me at least four times (he says only 4 times, but I hardly have reason to believe him). Understandably, this greatly upset me since I was faithful to him, but I decided we'll work through it. He stuck with me years ago when I was having issues with alcohol and aggression.

Now, I'm wondering how to address playing together with other guys. I'm naturally a very sex-positive person and feel like I've been held back sexually for many years in this relationship. Prior to our relationship, I had a very fun sex life: groups, bath houses, sex clubs, etc. I stopped all of that when I entered the relationship with him and committed to him for years. We never played with anyone else together. However, while we were fucked up, I have felt comfortable enough with him to mention how cool it would be to watch him get fucked or hit a bathhouse together. I've been hesitant to bring it up otherwise because we've had a great deal of problems communicating recently. I didn't want to add to the stress. But I'm still young at 33 and miss the sort of carefree sex I had prior to the relationship. I just want him to enjoy it with me and feel developing that sort of comfort level could actually greatly enhance our relationship. I know he would enjoy some of these activities with me if he would just ease his inhibitions some.

Is it stupid of me to think he should be open to this given that he's cheated on me numerous times and we're both now poz? How should I approach this sort of topic with him?

[bbzh]

Talk to him about your desire to play with others. He might feel the same way. It does take time to figure out how to negotiate an open relationship. Most people think it's simply about having sex with anyone whenever you feel like it. I can tell you that it's not. Put some rules in place and revisit them regularly.

[bigdick4you]

U seem like really good guy for forgiving him being unfaithful and probably pozzing u. It doesn't matter if he cheated 4 times or 20 times. What really matters is the fact that he lied to u...u r willing to forgive him and wanting to develop an open relationship wherein u involve him as well. That's admirable! Being in an open relationship doesn't mean there r no rules.... I think there r more than in a monogamous one...and rules keep changing as the new ground rules evolve all the time. U can have a wonderful sexlife being poz...just take good care of urself and him health wise ...

[Human Behavior]

I'm really trying to be a good guy although I'm still upset about the situation at times. The HIV diagnosis has definitely been a bit frustrating particularly since I managed to avoid it during my sluttier days before this relationship. I'm 100% certain he pozzed me as he was the only person I slept with for 8 years and we tested neg early on in our relationship. I did get really pissed off after finding out about all this and had oral sex with someone else while I was fucked up. But I immediately told him about it. I wasn't even into the guy, tbh. I just wanted to get back at him, but he seemed to get over it super quick. This leads me to believe that perhaps he's capable of separating love from sex like me.

The main problem that I have talking to him about opening up the relationship stems from his inability to be truly honest with me about his feelings. It's bizarre because I'm such an open book about everything including my very active sex life prior to this LTR. But he feels uncomfortable having intimate conversations with me about pretty much everything. He also has strange, prudish tendencies which do not make much sense to me. For example, I've been trying to get him to be comfortable pointing out guys he finds attractive in front of me for years. He still feels a little uncomfortable doing this despite the fact that he's literally cheated on me numerous times, watched porn with me, etc. Seriously, if he should feel comfortable talking to anyone about that sort of thing, it's definitely me.

I've even seen caught him searching for "hot latino men" in his internet searches and flirting with the waiter from the Mexican restaurant we always go to on Facebook. No big deal to me except for the deceit aspect of the whole thing. We're a black-white interracial couple but I love Hispanic men too. Sounds like a super hot potential threesome to me. He's also a total bottom and I'm a vers top. Our sex is good, but I would definitely love to get fucked by someone. He's fucked me a few times, but it's clearly not his thing.

I just need to get him to come out of his shell & open up to me sexually. I almost had a conversation with him about this last night, but he seemed to be in a mood. I was hoping to get this all off my chest before we head to Bonnaroo later this week. No telling who we might run into there.

Edited June 9, 2014 by Human Behavior

[bbzh]

There's this big misconception out there that couples have to share everything with each other and it's simply not true. In fact, I would go as far to say that we all need a zone of privacy. Not allowing people to have this is what leads to the lies and deceit.

Your bf shouldn't have been having bb sex without telling you, but that's water under the bridge now.

I think you should open the relationship and opt for a don't ask don't tell approach. That being said, you do need to be respectful towards to each other and agree on a few ground rules.

[bigdick4you]

There's this big misconception out there that couples have to share everything with each other and it's simply not true. In fact, I would go as far to say that we all need a zone of privacy. Not allowing people to have this is what leads to the lies and deceit.

Your bf shouldn't have been having bb sex without telling you, but that's water under the bridge now.

I think you should open the relationship and opt for a don't ask don't tell approach. That being said, you do need to be respectful towards to each other and agree on a few ground rules.

Think it's all more complicated than that... I agree with the don't ask don't tell policy.... But if u do ask... U should get honest answer...I'm also more for the being able to play together kind of scenario...for me it's huge turn on to c my BF or FB being plowed by other guys... But u should also be able to play alone with others and he should be able to do the same...my open relationship went sour as he did not trust me...a lot of times he would refuse to do group thing together ...and he made me feel insecure by things he said.... Like his hookups were always better....if u can get past the completion level and jealousy and r truly open about everything u have good chance in succeeding....

[LeicesterUK_POZ]

LOL...just reading how you are with your fella and that is how is with mine; we never had the pozzing issue to deal with as we both came to the relationship poz and like you I enjoyed a very fun sex life when single and had open relationships even a 3way relationship and after 5 years together I would love it to be open ours as the sex has become dull...I would love to get home and find some random guy balls deep in my fella unloading inside him.

However he struggles to talk about anything with me; like you he won't admit to finding other guys hot and the odd time I have mentioned trying to spice it up he just goes into some kind of emotional shut down! I think its because he believes I will leave him but I know relationships are far more than just sex (I understand sex and love are totally different).

Daft thing is I have found him chatting to guys on recon and cam4, twitter and facebook and even found messages on his phone arranging a hook up which got me well turned on - fucked his brains out after finding those messages!

I have been talking him round to a 3some but it is like pulling teeth!

[Human Behavior]

So here's the update. I talked to him about this almost a week ago and it did NOT go over well. He's generally a very difficult person when it comes to meaningful conversations, but I didn't expect him to react so badly. He was very opposed to the idea of us fooling around with anyone else and cut the conversation off quickly for bed. He kept saying that I just need to end the relationship if I wanted to be with someone else. I told him I didn't want to end the relationship, but I wanted to sleep with other guys together. I also said it's obvious he wanted to sleep with other guys too since he's cheated on me numerous times and pozzed me. He said that he made a mistake (more like many mistakes!) and ended the conversation. I tried to bring it up again when we were partying at a music festival a few days ago since he seemed more relaxed and he immediately shut it down again. He just will not open up to me about anything.

Personally, I find him to be somewhat of a fake person which is troubling to say about one's partner of almost 9 years. He's never forthright about anything & it causes major communication problems in our relationship. I do love him and want this to work, but I'm getting a little bored, tbh. I'm in the best shape of my life and I'm starting to get more attention than I have in a while. I finally got him into weight training with me after years of trying and he loves it. We're both looking great and we definitely got some attention from other gay guys at the musical festival we just attended. But I didn't want to pursue anything with him being so difficult. Not really sure where to go from here. I don't really want to cheat either, but not sure what to do when refuses to communicate with me.

[Human Behavior]

Think it's all more complicated than that... I agree with the don't ask don't tell policy.... But if u do ask... U should get honest answer...I'm also more for the being able to play together kind of scenario...for me it's huge turn on to c my BF or FB being plowed by other guys... But u should also be able to play alone with others and he should be able to do the same...my open relationship went sour as he did not trust me...a lot of times he would refuse to do group thing together ...and he made me feel insecure by things he said.... Like his hookups were always better....if u can get past the completion level and jealousy and r truly open about everything u have good chance in succeeding....

Yes, I am definitely more comfortable about playing together right now especially since I've already had a problems with him communicating his feelings with me. I would really like to see him become more comfortable around me sexually. Plus, like you, I am genuinely turned on by the idea of watching him get fucked.

LOL...just reading how you are with your fella and that is how is with mine; we never had the pozzing issue to deal with as we both came to the relationship poz and like you I enjoyed a very fun sex life when single and had open relationships even a 3way relationship and after 5 years together I would love it to be open ours as the sex has become dull...I would love to get home and find some random guy balls deep in my fella unloading inside him.

However he struggles to talk about anything with me; like you he won't admit to finding other guys hot and the odd time I have mentioned trying to spice it up he just goes into some kind of emotional shut down! I think its because he believes I will leave him but I know relationships are far more than just sex (I understand sex and love are totally different).

Daft thing is I have found him chatting to guys on recon and cam4, twitter and facebook and even found messages on his phone arranging a hook up which got me well turned on - fucked his brains out after finding those messages!

I have been talking him round to a 3some but it is like pulling teeth!

Sounds like you totally understand my struggle. Like you, I think he fears I will leave him for someone else. But he seems oblivious as to how much he's pushing me away regardless of how many times I've tried to explain this to him.

[drscorpio]

I don't think you are going to make any headway with him by yourself. Maybe you two should try couples' counseling.

[hungry_hole]

I wouldn't spend a minute in a relationship that requires any kind of work. I don't "work in relationships" because in my opinion relationships have to work almost spontaneously.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I am with drscorpio on this. Time for counseling. If he won't do that you may have to consider moving on.

[Human Behavior]

I had a conversation with him a few days ago and essentially gave him an ultimatum. Either he agrees to at least try my approach by opening up the relationship or I will consider leaving. I told him that he has no excuse to avoid trying this given his own history and that his insecurities are irrational. I also suggested that perhaps "partying" with a third might ease his reluctance some. He seemed receptive to this idea after letting it marinate for a few hours so we'll see where it goes. Hope this works out as I feel better about myself than I have in years. I'm ready for a return to the kind of sex life that's a more honest reflection of my true self. He should be too.

In the interim, I decided not to wait around for him to get on the ball. I received an offer I could not refuse from this young, poz dude the other day. He was a blonde, hipster otter. How the fuck do I turn that down?!? I had lots of reservations about it initially, but ended up meeting up with him and fucking him. It was AMAZING and the guilt I expected to have was essentially non-existent. After all, the other half has already set the precedence here. Little did my bf know that he was the lucky beneficiary of this tryst. I was some horned up the following day that he got a good pounding too.

Starting to genuinely feel excited about sex again and hope I'm able to get him on the same page.

I wouldn't spend a minute in a relationship that requires any kind of work. I don't "work in relationships" because in my opinion relationships have to work almost spontaneously.

Not sure if I'm following you here. Unless you're one of the rare souls that's fortune enough to find someone with whom you mesh seamlessly, then you will have to put some work into any long-term relationship.