Am I Fucked Up?

[Endymion]

I have been a long time lerker of this website, love reading some of the nasty stories, and seems to have the most open minded people.

 

I am a younger guy, and i find dating people almost impossible. The fault is completly on me.

 

Figure i would come on here and see how the open minded people here can help, if they can.

 

 

From when  i was 14 till i was 17 i had a sexual relationship with a teacher at my school, He was a bit older then me(34 when i was 14), and he did initiate it when he asked if i needed a ride home after school when i missed the bus(was busy getting high and did not keep track of the time, and i live far away from the school), i agreed because it is better then walking, the whole ride he kept asking me questions-about how football and hockey were going, if i had a girlfriend, what girls i found attactive, stuff like that.

 

When we got to my place he told me he enjoyed talking to me and if i ever miss the bus again to feel free to ask him for a ride.

 

After that he was really chummy with me, smiling at me, letting me get away with stuff in class.

A few weeks later i was going to hang with a friend after school but she bailed on me and my bus had already left, i was going to call my dad to come get me but i figured it would be easyer if i just asked the teacher first, he said he would be more then happy to give me a lift home. This was on a Friday so he asked me about my weekend plans, and if i was not busy that i could come over to his house and hang out(even saying "as long as thats not creepy, i dont want to come across as a creeper")

 

I figured what the hell, he seemed cool, and not going to lie i always wondered what the inside of a teachers house would look like. I told him that would be cool and that my parents thought i was hanging out after school so they are not excpecting me home till tomorrow, so if he could just drive me home after, he said that would be fine.

 

We went to his house, which was really nice, he lived closer to town then i did, so it did not have much of a yard.

 

It was awkward , i sat on his couch and we watched tv, he talked to me, kept asking me if i was uncomfortable, i said not at all(even tho i was a bit)

 

After a few hours the conversations got more and more personal and sexual, he asked me if i was a virgin, i told him i never had sex but i have gotten a blowjob or two before, he asked from who, i told him a girl i met over summer last year. He asked if i ever watch porn, which i did not my parents had strict computer rules, so i was not allowed to be in a room alone on the computer, so i told him i never really have, besides an old porno megazine that me and a friend stole from his dads collection in the basement(they were from the late 80's).

 

He said "oh you don't know what your missing" and he told me that if i wanted i could watch some on his computer and he could leave me alone if i wanted to.

 

I was unsure, but said yes because i wanted to know what i was missing, he set it up for me and told me he put on one of his favorites....it was a threesome with a girl and two guys.

 

He left the room and about 10 minutes in the one guy started sucking the other one as the girl started to lick the other guys ass.

 

I was shocked to be frank, never seen guys do stuff before at that time(i knew what gay was but never had seen it before)

 

I told him i was good, when he came back in he was naked in a house coat(which was hanging open) , i was like "what the hell" he said he was going to jerk off to it now that i was done, i told him i never jacked off  just watched it, he sat down and told me i could jack off if i wanted to...he started touching himself and i just went with it and pulled my pants down a bit...he reached over and started jacking me off until i came.

 

 

I kept going over to his house quite often almost every weekend, to watch porn , the more i went the more we would do until we started having full blown sex(him fucking me).

---------------------------------------

 

 

Now this is the part i need help with, when i was 17 almost 18 i moved to a new city, when i turned 18 i went to a therapist to deal with some family stuff and in a session i told her about those few years and how it is what made me realize i was bisexual(even tho he was the only guy i had done anything with)

 

But she told me i was "raped" by the teacher and that he took advantage of me and that i should tell the police.....the thing is i don't feel like i was raped or taken advantage of, I don't feel tramatized by it.

 

But whenever i date someone and they ask about my past sexual history i tell them about the teacher and they always go "omg you were mollested/raped by your teacher" and when i tell them that i don't see it as rape that we had consentual sex they always tell me i am "fucked up and should get help"

 

So i ask you guys is it wrong that i enjoyed the relationship i had with my teacher? He was always nice, when we were at school we kept things professional, he never forced me to do anything, he asked me if i wanted to try getting fucked and i said no i am not sure and he said "okay that is fine, if you ever want to try it just say so i wont ask you again, just try it when/if your comfortable"

 

He was nothing but kind to me.

 

So dose that make me fucked up

 

(reason i posted this here is because i am looking for honest people) 

Edited June 24, 2015 by Endymion

[bearbandit]

Difficult question... and one that I think only you can answer. Certainly it strikes me that by your teacher's behaviour he was grooming you, but if you feel okay about it, then you feel okay about it. The age of consent is there as an average of where society thinks people are old enough to consent to sex. Some people, and it would appear that you're one of them, are capable of true consent earlier than others. It's a fair bet that most of us have met guys who are basically too immature even in their twenties (and possibly older) to be having sex.

If you can look deep inside yourself and honestly say that you're fine with what happened, then don't worry about it. You're learning the hard way that many other people aren't as relaxed about sex as they would like to think they are, so maybe for your own peace of mind it's something not to talk about as openly as you have here, if you feel affronted by other people's reactions to your sexual awakening. I'm not saying that you should be ashamed of it, rather that as you've discovered, other people find it hard to deal with.

 

The other side of it is the law. In the UK it would be difficult to stop the police from taking action if they heard your story, and what I hear in your message is that that's something you don't want. I feel very uncomfortable about suggesting that you keep quiet about what seems to have been an important, positive and significant experience for you, but on the assumption that Canadian law is similar to British law, that's what I would suggest.

 

I don't think you're fucked up: hell, when I was fourteen I would have done the same had I had the chance. As it was I started fucking with guys two years before I was of legal age (it was 21 in those days). I used to smoke roll-ups and had a sticker on the top of my tobacco tin reading "Under 21? Homosexual? Break the law!" In British law that could be construed as conspiracy to break the law, so I could have been done for that.

Basically people get very antsy about age of consent issues and to meet someone who considers what society construes as childhood sexual experiences to be simply part of his growing up makes them uneasy. I wasn't sure of the derivation so I googled your screen name: I knew i recognised it as Greek, but couldn't remember the story behind it, and again it suggests to me that you're comfortable about your experiences. It's society that's out of step - not you... You simply discovered sex earlier than most people. The only thing I would say further is to ask you (and everybody else who reads this thread) to be aware that under-age sex is a dodgy issue and while it's okay to talk about it as simply fact as you've done, any attempt to eroticise it is liable to cause trouble for BZ.

[Endymion]

Thank you for your reply.

 

He was really nice to me (even bought me the camera that i used to take my display picture-i still use it to this day)

 

You are probably right, i should not say anything(i just feel that if they ask who i have slept with and i omit him then i will be starting the relationship off on a lie)

 

Then again i have only ever dated Females, so that might have something to do with the reactions i am getting.

 

 

I don't want to get anyone in trouble should i delete this topic? i would not want the people who own this site to get in to trouble.

[evilqueerpig]

Unless you felt powerless to refuse, I think you were seduced and not molested.  You need to sort out your own feelings before you're able to have a proper social life.

[lungfucker]

First, I don't think you are fucked up, Endymion.  Second, it sounds, based on your writing, that you've sorted this out fairly well for yourself, and it's only the reactions of others that are causing you to question yourself.  Third, if I may be so bold, I think your dating problems may boil down to the simple issue of "over-sharing."  You really don't need to go into great detail about your sexual history.  Come up with a very vague response to that question, something like, "Oh, I've had a variety of experiences, but nothing out of the ordinary," and that should be sufficient.  If a relationship develops, THEN you can decide if you want to share more specifics, after you know each other better.  

[Endymion]

First, I don't think you are fucked up, Endymion.  Second, it sounds, based on your writing, that you've sorted this out fairly well for yourself, and it's only the reactions of others that are causing you to question yourself.  Third, if I may be so bold, I think your dating problems may boil down to the simple issue of "over-sharing."  You really don't need to go into great detail about your sexual history.  Come up with a very vague response to that question, something like, "Oh, I've had a variety of experiences, but nothing out of the ordinary," and that should be sufficient.  If a relationship develops, THEN you can decide if you want to share more specifics, after you know each other better.  

 

 

Thank you, i probably do over share!, i just feel like i have to be honest with them, as i expect honesty from them.

 

But i will take your advice and next time i am on a date with a gal i will be sure to not over share

[badubydo]

Your sexual history is simply that, yours. You have the right to disclose what and how much you want. If a girl asks you, its solely up to you to tell her. Though I can gaurantee you, if you ask her the same question she wouldn't tell you the truth....

 

 

You're not fucked up. Society has this way of making people feel like they out if they are, even a little bit, out of the "normal". Don't worry about it. Everyone is different. Don't let society outcast you because of it.

[barehole4use]

Simply put : You're not fucked up, Ignore comments from people who judge you.

[bbzh]

I agree with the other posters here that you should be more careful about what you share with people you are dating. Only people who have gained your trust over time should be allowed access to the most intimate details of your life. Always remember that once you tell anyone anything, you can't untell them.

 

I think it is very good that you chose to talk to a therapist about this incident and other things in your past. I encourage you to continue to do so. 

 

For the record, I do think what happened to you was inappropriate and illegal. But that doesn't mean that you have to press charges against the teacher. It will ruin his reputation and end his career. I know some will say it should. But that's a whole other discussion.

 

What I do encourage you to do is to meet this teacher again face to face at some point and talk about what happened. Not in an angry confrontational kind of way. I think you should let him know that others have encouraged you to make this public, but that you will not because you don't feel traumatised by it. I think you should give him an opportunity to explain to you why he did it. If you are satisfied with his response, then you should tell him you forgive him. I also think that you should let him know that if he has done this with other underage boys OR is STILL DOING THIS with underage boys, then he should stop and get help. 

 

This conversation will hopefully put the fear of God in him and it will help you close this chapter of your life. Don't have any further contact with him after that.

 

This was a significant event in your sexual development and history so I am not inclined to downplay it as such. But you come across as a well-adjusted, mature young man and I think you will be just fine.

 

If you go on to marry and have a son of your own one day, I don't think you would want your own 14 year old son to have such an experience with a teacher. Am I correct? 

 

No matter what you do - even if it is nothing - you should be comfortable with your decision. You are not fucked up. Trust me, there are people way older than you on this planet who don't have the maturity, poise and common sense that you do.

 

We have all done things that if we could turn back the hands of time, we would do them differently. And we have all done things we would not want to see on the front page of the newspaper. What happened to you sounds like one of those things. 

[Endymion]

I agree with the other posters here that you should be more careful about what you share with people you are dating. Only people who have gained your trust over time should be allowed access to the most intimate details of your life. Always remember that once you tell anyone anything, you can't untell them.

 

I think it is very good that you chose to talk to a therapist about this incident and other things in your past. I encourage you to continue to do so. 

 

For the record, I do think what happened to you was inappropriate and illegal. But that doesn't mean that you have to press charges against the teacher. It will ruin his reputation and end his career. I know some will say it should. But that's a whole other discussion.

 

What I do encourage you to do is to meet this teacher again face to face at some point and talk about what happened. Not in an angry confrontational kind of way. I think you should let him know that others have encouraged you to make this public, but that you will not because you don't feel traumatised by it. I think you should give him an opportunity to explain to you why he did it. If you are satisfied with his response, then you should tell him you forgive him. I also think that you should let him know that if he has done this with other underage boys OR is STILL DOING THIS with underage boys, then he should stop and get help. 

 

This conversation will hopefully put the fear of God in him and it will help you close this chapter of your life. Don't have any further contact with him after that.

 

This was a significant event in your sexual development and history so I am not inclined to downplay it as such. But you come across as a well-adjusted, mature young man and I think you will be just fine.

 

If you go on to marry and have a son of your own one day, I don't think you would want your own 14 year old son to have such an experience with a teacher. Am I correct? 

 

No matter what you do - even if it is nothing - you should be comfortable with your decision. You are not fucked up. Trust me, there are people way older than you on this planet who don't have the maturity, poise and common sense that you do.

 

We have all done things that if we could turn back the hands of time, we would do them differently. And we have all done things we would not want to see on the front page of the newspaper. What happened to you sounds like one of those things. 

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

I have no way of contacting the teacher unless i go back to my home town and go to the school to find him, which i think would be ippropriate on my part.

 

 

This is why people think i am fucked up....because even tho i would not want it on the front page of the newspaper...i would not want to change it, i felt quite a lot of affection towards him, and he was always kind to me.

 

To be honest i never thought about him doing it with other boy's i assumed i was the only one.

 

But again thank you so much for taking the time to help me out.

Edited June 25, 2015 by Endymion

[breedbaltimore]

NO, you are not fucked up, but as many have said before, this is not something I would share early on in a relationship. I applaud you wanting to have everything out and honest from the start.  if you really feel that you must tell this story, maybe make it a little more vague.  

 

"When I was younger I had a relationship with an older man, it was consensual, and we both enjoyed it.  he really taught me things about myself."

 

No need to go into the teacher aspect of his life, and possibly have someone find him and ruin his life, since you do not want that to happen.  

 

I wish you all the best in your future and discovering who you are and where you want to be in this world.  Keep it up and enjoy your life!  you are not Fucked up!

[scotsfan71]

I agree with everyone here, Endymion. For the longest time I thought I was sexually molested by my teenage babysitter. When I was 4 and he was 12, he took me in the bathroom and had me lay naked on the floor. He laid down on top of me, naked as well. I remember feeling that it felt nice, his body pressed up against me. This continued until I was about 8 or 9. There never was any penetration at all, the most being me sucking him for awhile.

 

It wasn't until I was in therapy a couple of years ago, that the therapist told me it wasn't molestation, rather sexual play between two boys. It confirmed for me what I'd always thought, but never had a name for it. I never felt it was molestation, because it really did feel good at the time. I never felt raped, or abused, or that anything was taken from me. i never felt guilty about it, or had any shame whatsoever about it. In fact, rather, I wish he had penetrated me.

 

So you can make up your mind for yourself. Hopefully you can put it in the right place. Hope this helps.

[LKMike]

I hate to say it, but you were targeted, molested and abused. Calm down everyone! i was 8 yo when it happened to me. i stayed with the guy till i was 15 and got my first girl friend. Did i find the whole thing abusive? No. Did i enjoy it? 99% yes. Was i a kid that felt like i had "fuck me" tattooed across my forehead? Yes. A certain type of adult seemed to be able to pick me out of a crowd. Again, what happened to me was not negative in any way, unfortunately that wasnt the case for another boy who went through the same thing. He eventually died of a drugs overdose in his late 20s. He was totally fucked up by the whole experience. He was actually the boy i replaced , he was the tool used to seduce me and get me involved with the adult. i have worked with kids since i was 19 and worked at a summer camp for abused kids. The experience of abuse is a very individual thing with  a wide range of feelings and reactions, but whatever your experience, being targeted seduced and, lets face it, whether you enjoyed it or not, you were molested by a teacher, a male figure in a position of authority to you. I think the whole AOC laws are ridiculous! Some people are ready and interested and wanting to experiment with sex at much lower ages, and some arent ready when they are in their mid 20s! Adult males can make perfect mentors and teachers for curious boys, but teachers and coaches already have a place in a boys life and should not cross that line to sexual teacher of a child they are already interacting with on that level. I work with 11 to 17 yo boys at the moment and a couple of them often flirt, but thats because they already know and trust me and are close to me. Its a great shame our laws are so draconian and force people into illegal and covert relationships, but if you truly love males of a younger generation you will not use your position as teacher, coach or minister to fulfill your own desires.

[joethomas]

This is a tough one. If I was a parent and knew my teenage son was being lured to the home of a 30-something teacher, I'd be livid. But if I was that teenager, I'd probably enjoy feeling desired, spoiled and pleased by an adult authority figure. So your advice will come from different perspectives.

 

I think it's good that you've discussed this with a therapist, because when I came out, a therapist felt like the only person I could be honest with at the time. A good therapist will be your sounding board and mostly sit and listen while you talk. But if you feel strongly about not pressing charges and pursuing any legal action at this point in your life, make that clear to the therapist so it won't even be open to debate. Tell him or her that you're not ready or willing to discuss that option right now.

 

This is one of those things where you'll have to follow your gut. But you're not fucked up. You're surprisingly normal. Sounds like you enjoyed being appreciated, cared for, admired ... and who doesn't?

 

As for future dates: This is one of those that's OK to tuck away in a corner for now until you start getting a strong feeling about a potential partner. They don't have to know your entire history, and if it's uncomfortable to discuss it, just tell them you don't kiss and tell. If you truly get serious about somebody, then that discussion can happen, but only on your terms.

[Endymion]

This is a tough one. If I was a parent and knew my teenage son was being lured to the home of a 30-something teacher, I'd be livid. But if I was that teenager, I'd probably enjoy feeling desired, spoiled and pleased by an adult authority figure. So your advice will come from different perspectives.

 

I think it's good that you've discussed this with a therapist, because when I came out, a therapist felt like the only person I could be honest with at the time. A good therapist will be your sounding board and mostly sit and listen while you talk. But if you feel strongly about not pressing charges and pursuing any legal action at this point in your life, make that clear to the therapist so it won't even be open to debate. Tell him or her that you're not ready or willing to discuss that option right now.

 

This is one of those things where you'll have to follow your gut. But you're not fucked up. You're surprisingly normal. Sounds like you enjoyed being appreciated, cared for, admired ... and who doesn't?

 

As for future dates: This is one of those that's OK to tuck away in a corner for now until you start getting a strong feeling about a potential partner. They don't have to know your entire history, and if it's uncomfortable to discuss it, just tell them you don't kiss and tell. If you truly get serious about somebody, then that discussion can happen, but only on your terms.

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yeah i don't want him to get in any trouble.

I will tell my therapist the next time i see her

 

Thank you all for your replies and your kindness