Dom/sub Relationship

[tallslenderguy]

This is a vast topic, and I'd enjoy hearing other peoples thoughts, feelings and experiences.

 

As for my own? "Sub" is a label I have only recently identified with. It's not that I think I am newly sub, just that I have more recently begun to explore and think about it (this brought on by having a few dom guys court me more recently, bringing out stuff to a conscious level). 

 

Part of me has always shunned the idea of being sub.  I think that's because I had not, until recently, really defined what dom/sub means to me. I know it can means something different or the same, depending on who you are talking to.  I understand if I don't define it for myself I'll be leaving the definition up to someone else (which I know some will say is "a sub thing to do" lol). 

 

To me being sub isn't about being a nonentity.  Something that really helps me clarify who I am is breaking definitions down further. To me it seems that Dom/sub often gets treated like S/m. I know there can be overlap, but to me they're different.  I identify as sub, but I don't identify as a masochist. I see a lot of subs who are also masochistic.

 

Conversely, to me Dom and Sadist are two different things.  Even though they often overlap, or even go hand in hand, they don't have to. Or, when they do, they can do so at varying levels depending on the individual.

 

I have met many guys who identify as "Dom"  and insist that being sub means doing whatever they say or want. For instance, over the last couple of days Ive been bred 3 times by a young guy (21) from grinder. Yesterday, just before I went in to his place (anonymous fuck from behind), he texted me and asked if I like to eat ass. I responded that I'm really a bottom cunt slut and not very oral. He texted back "well I want you to eat my asshole clean. Got it!" I literally lol'd and texted back "nope, ttyl." He texted back "fine then, we won't do that, just get here I want to nut inside u." Some would call him Dom and say I wasn't sub. But to me, he was just being a bully.

 

I hate bullies. I was bullied a lot as a kid. As an adult, I got a second degree black belt and pity the mugger who ever approaches me (he'd have all my childhood rage unleashed on him lol).  Until recently I saw a lot of guys who identify as Dom, who to me, are just bullies. This kind of person brings out the opposite of sub in me. To me, this person comes across as really insecure and is looking for security through control and is a total turn off. I've had to restrain myself from back kicking him into the next room a few times before when a top got what I perceived as abusive while fucking me. 

 

But over the last year I have met several different guys identifying as Dom who are very different from what I've described, yet are similar amongst themselves.  This is already getting long, but briefly, the effect this type of Dom has on me kind of amazes me... it's like I just want to lie down and spread my legs and give them full access to my soul. Which is a really different feeling for me that ventures into relationship vs hook up sex. In short, it's that they know which buttons to push in me that make me want to submit... which is totally different from just telling me what to do. This, to me, is a really intelligent and well thought out form of sex/relationship and the idea of it has me really interested.

[nelliess]

I completely agree with this. I would classify myself as sub but I'm nobody's doormat. My attitude is that I submit to letting my partner find what pleases him, and in that way find my own pleasure. However that doesn't include humiliating me, bullying me, hurting me or treating me like shit.

 

I think it might be a case of distinguishing between a sub and a slave. I want a guy to take control during sex and push my limits, but also respect the fact I have them and to back off if they try to breach them. That might sound (probably is) contradictory but who ever said great sex was simple

[tallslenderguy]

 

 

I think it might be a case of distinguishing between a sub and a slave. I want a guy to take control during sex and push my limits, but also respect the fact I have them and to back off if they try to breach them. That might sound (probably is) contradictory but who ever said great sex was simple

HI nelliess, yeah, it makes since to me to distinguish between sub and slave (yet another distinction).  I find I will end up sometimes wanting to do things a dom wants that I didn't want to do before, not because he forced me or I felt obligated because I assumed the label "sub,"  but because he elicited something in me that made me want to, which I think is really hot that he has that kind of control and a lot more complex than just telling someone what to do.

To me it doesn't sound contradictory for a person to push your limits while respecting them, it sounds like balance that requires intelligence and attention. An artist can bend a hard piece of wood into an art object by applying measured heat and pressure, the inexperienced or non artist just ends up with a broken piece of wood. 

[breedbaltimore]

being submissive does not mean that you become someone's doormat, though some do enjoy that; rather it is finding that person who makes you want to do everything he asks you to do, and do it gladly.  a good DOM will bring that out in you.

[Guest bbbearlover1]

For me, reciprocal respect and open communication are the foundations of solid Dom/sub relationships.  I think that too many have these cartoon like expectations of Doms and subs, and that's just a misunderstanding of how the dynamics can work.  Every Dom is different, every sub is unique.  The fun is in finding those with whom you're most compatible.  I recognize the gift that a sub is offering to me, and I deeply respect that.  It's my responsibility to honor that gift, and be the best Dom I can be.  Yes, I will push.  Yes, I will make demands. Yes, I have expectations.  It's not about barking orders or being cruel just for shits and giggles.  My goal, as a Dom, is to teach, and to provide the subs I deal with a safe space for U/us to explore who we are and what we need.  Remember that Doms need subs, like subs need us.  Too many forget that.

[Guest KptNLine]

I love this thread, and I think tallslenderguy phrased it so eloquently. So often, people use the label of "sub" or "Dom" to force themselves into very specific roles, when Dominant and submissive can include such a continuum of identities. I think most people fall in the middle of the spectrum rather than at either edge. I can only speak to my personal experience, but I think that communication is essential. My husband (then boyfriend) spent many an hour talking about what got us off and what we didn't like. Without that open discussion, I wouldn't have felt comfortable exploring my sub side with him, nor do I think he would have felt comfortable being more Dominant with me. It's important to understand that identifying as "sub" doesn't mean you give up your free will to become a slave to someone else, just as identifying as a "Dom" doesn't mean that you're automatically a brutalistic Master that's expecting someone to mindlessly obey your every command. A sub needs to be very open expressing what his needs and desires are, just as a Dom needs to do the same, and, hopefully,  together they can grow together and form a relationship that both partners are comfortable with.

[AlwaysOpen]

I ended a long term relationship about 15 years ago, and thought I had the "slave heart". I moved out, quit a job and moved in with a guy who said he was a Master. I identified as a slave- until I actually was living in his house with his boy-- and realized the guy was the next guest on a Springer show-- fucked up, not a leader but a totally addicted and fucked up person. I managed , thru some trauma- to extract myself from that house- and since then I have allowed myself to really explore- a process that allowed me to identify as a sub bottom. That said, i am not the "doormat" and only go as far and as perverse as I feel  comfortable going that day , that moment. today I played with a dom top who has been perverting and pushing me- while he thought he was being challenging by putting a latex glove on his foot and teasing my hole-- i was determined to show him i was more than capable of taking his tests and probes- and ended up fucking myself on his foot- to his shock/astonishment. Part of it was a personal test- could i- would I - take it.And part of it was admiration that he was willing to put in some effort to push me to do more- that made me ride that foot= to fuck my own ass on it - to his pleasure/shock / amazement. I view him as a dom, yet when we are sexing, I am always focused on his pleasure- maybe the sub side of  me-- but often that requires me slipping a butt plug up his ass as he is fucking me with his balls and  cock, or pissing his piss out of my ass after he has loaded me- back onto him ! Am I suddenly a dom? No, not really- even as i am doing it- i am doing it for his pleasure ( and 90% of the time, mine as well)