Inevitable

[Kayne]

I guess it was inevitable.  My Mother is/was a fag hag  and a Madam. My father was an alcoholic vet with a golden arm and a habit of snorting. He was also a member of N/A/M/B/L/A. I was his personal Cumdump as a kid. He sold and shared me around the neighborhood. He Passed on when i was still a boy. My mom sent me to a Private Boarding school. that's when my real "Education" began. This all happened in the early days of The bug. I have some stories, but suffice it to say that I was a slut before i fully understood what being a slut was.

Oh, but when i knew, I couldn't stop myself. I always had a thing for older men and the ones i went after were all too eager to drop a load in someone. by the time I got into Teens  I'd been scared into wrapping it up and only taking wrapped meat. - but even then, when i had discovered all of the parks, gloryholes and various other places pre 9/11, I still didn't always use rubbers. I hate everything about them. 

All around me, people were getting infected, getting sick, and dying. I knew what the risks i knew how not to be one of them, but i didn't care.

In all that time I never truly worried about becoming poz. I, like the US military had a Don't ask/ Don't tell policy.  When my aunt tested poz i was conflicted. I felt bad for her - especially when it progressed- but i was also jealous. I couldn't it. but it soon faded from my thoughts 

I had other things to worry about once my mom got sick. I played less and less. Now that i had someone who really depended on me, i forced myself to do better. there was one guy though that a I always would up breeding. and he always wanted me to knock him up. there was another dude that constantly came from Bermuda for my cum wanting the gift.  I Thought it was hot when guys talked like that  It made me fuck harder, deeper.  And when one guy i was blowing held my head and forced me to swallow his filthy load, (for the longest time I was obsessed with cum facials/ bukakke) I blew the most intense nut of my 20-something life.  a year later, when i found out a dude I was messing with was Poz I got scared, but hot. 

About 7 years ago I got tricked into breeding this Professor at a party. I didn't find out that he ( or anyone else ) was full blown until I had to shower and leave.  I was freaked and pissed, but once the knee jerk reaction faded I was horny as fuck.  a few months later, I had a false poz result on a test and a second test was mixed up with another patient.  Afterwards, I found out I was neg, I vowed never to test again.

Still the talk got me hot and while I never asked anyone's status, I did fine my self more attracted to dudes that I knew were Poz. In all this time I never thought or myself as a chaser. I never felt Like i actively chased the dragon. I always felt that if it was meant to happen it would. and I didn't need to rush it .

Fast forward to today. A recent skin rash led me to see a doctor.  despite me opting out of a HIV test, one was taken, and the nurse that saw me said it  came back charged. but the results disappeared from the computer. the rash is nothing but a bad case of eczema.

Thing is.. I'm conflicted.  I'm more turned on than I've ever been.my dick won't stop dripping. the few people i have told about the results are hotter than ever to fuck with me  and there are a few that i want to tell but im not sure how. I WANT to get out there and breed. the feeling of not having to worry anymore makes me so fucking stoked that I can't think straight and all i can think about is the design of the BioHazard Tattoo I've wanted ever since I was 15 years old! Part of me wants to get that next test and find out just how toxic I am!

Part of me is terrified. terrified of the government knowing my info. terrified of being tracked. Terrified of not being able to get life or health insurance. but most f all Terrified of telling my mother, or dying before her.  she has lost so much to HIV.  Her Lover (not my Father)  All of her Friends, so that without me she is all alone. I know it would break her If i am Poz and she knew - but it would also break her if I found out and kept it from her.

I don't know what to do. I still don't feel like a chaser, but  I've always felt like this was going to happen. and i'm not upset by it. i'm fucking excited! but still I don't want to hurt the person I love most in this world, and i'm not keen on the uninsurable  / government fall out following me. 

I could use some advice. 

Thanks

[Cumfilledbottomboi]

It's not a death sentence any more. Find out if you truly have it, from a local gay clinic, or home kit, and then proceed from there.

[NLbear]

1 hour ago, Cumfilledbottomboi said:

It's not a death sentence any more. Find out if you truly have it, from a local gay clinic, or home kit, and then proceed from there.

True. But Kayne says he doesn't have health insurance. He doesn't state where he lives but my guess is US. I think once you're poz you can forget about getting accepted by an insurance company? And he has to to take care of his mom as well. I don't know what the cost of meds are when you are not insured but likely high enough that not everyone can pay for those out of his own pocket. My advice would be to go on PrEP if possible (if you can financially as well) for the time being. You can always decide later in life to stop with that if you want to. You cannot decide to stop having HIV and being on meds for the rest of your life.

[Cumfilledbottomboi]

13 hours ago, NLbear said:

True. But Kayne says he doesn't have health insurance. He doesn't state where he lives but my guess is US. I think once you're poz you can forget about getting accepted by an insurance company? And he has to to take care of his mom as well. I don't know what the cost of meds are when you are not insured but likely high enough that not everyone can pay for those out of his own pocket. My advice would be to go on PrEP if possible (if you can financially as well) for the time being. You can always decide later in life to stop with that if you want to. You cannot decide to stop having HIV and being on meds for the rest of your life.

PReP is the same drug as if you have HIV. The insurance problem wound be the same regardless. Would need Gilead to subsidize it. 

[Kayne]

I think I should clarify. I do live in the US. 

And New York is pretty progressive as states go, but Health insurance may be going away soon. Or worse going back to previous ACA. 

But it was more worried about life nsurance anyway.

I was worried about being "tracked" it probably stupid most of all I'm worried about my mother.

But despite all that the idea that I may be toxic and that I've finally taken the thing that has been stalking me my whole life has me turned on . I know I'm describing being a chaser and yet I never felt like one. The advice I seek is on how to deal with all this conflicting things in the war between my two heads. I'm sorry if I fucked explaining it up. 

Thanks for what you guys have said thus far tho.

[subbytch]

2 hours ago, Kayne said:

And New York is pretty progressive as states go, but Health insurance may be going away soon. Or worse going back to previous ACA. 

Health insurance is sticking around for a while, though it might crumble in the smaller, poorer states. New York expanded Medicaid, they have ACA, and they've also made a commitment to getting to zero for new infections. 

If you really don't want HIV, then go get on PrEP. New York will cover it. If you have HIV, New York will also cover medicines and treatment. They will get your virus to undetectable levels. Undetectable also means you can't infect anyone. If you want to get HIV, do nothing. 

All pretty simple, really. :-)