How do I handle a neg top with HIV issues?

[urcocknotmine]

Okay, right off the bat, some of you are gonna think I'm scum for this.

I hooked up with a top who BB'ed me. It was awesome. We have a 2nd date planned. But between the 1st breeding and the plans for a 2nd date, he got REALLY paranoid asking me about my HIV status. He never asked me about it before the 1st hookup, but it's quite apparent that I'll never see him again if he finds out that I'm poz. So I lied and told him I was neg.

I feel awful for lying to him about it, but in my defense, he sure wasn't so concerned about it when the issue never came up the first time. We were both sober, and both entirely clear that I am 100% bottom and he is 100% top.

Right now, he believes me, and this could turn into a regular thing. I don't feel terribly bad about it because I know we'll never engage in any sort of sex that puts him at significant risk (drool, he's THAT kind of total top, he already told me that I don't even get to cum, and that is VERY fine by me). But I wonder what to do if this turns into serious and he finds out that I lied later on.

He is SIGNIFICANTLY freaked out by having sex with poz guys. (but again, it didn't even come up in conversation the first time, so I'm a little less than sympathetic) He's quite adamant that we will use condoms in the future, but admits to enjoying getting a few bare thrusts in now and then.

How do I handle a freakshow like this, and still get some awesome sex out of it?

[ruralguy7326]

This situation is fraught with problems from the outset. You either risk telling him the truth and cop it on the chin, or stop seeing him. Now if you continue to see him, in all fairness you will have to tell him your status. My rule is I only BB with guys who know up front my status, that way they are fully informed and the atmosphere is relaxed and the fuck can be very sleazy. I don't know about you mate but all that worry would to me be a turn off! Remember too that you have lied to him and you risk his wrath, just hope he's not hell bent on revenge if he finds out. Good luck.

[Pig Bottom]

Don't risk it. End it or tell him the truth. If my the slightest chance you expose him to it you can be arrested and face jail time.

[ruralguy7326]

Yeh don't forget the legal wories. If you end up in prison you could have a really nasty death!

[tin]

Tell him the truth.

Everyone makes mistakes now and then, and sometimes even the most adamant people about 'safer sex' may let their judgment slip now and then, and make a choice that they wouldn't /normally' make.

While this forum can have a bit of a hive-mind when it comes to bare-backing / fetishizing HIV / figuring 'if your going bareback then you MUST be blah blah blah' - but outside of the 'bareback community' - that mindset is not always as common. It would be one thing if you guys hooked up on a site like say, barebackrt (and even then, I'd say TELL HIM).

But seriously, he has the right to manage HIS risks how HE see's fit. Even though topping is lower risk, it is not zero risk - and if that is not a risk he is willing to take, you have NO right to force him to take it, especially when he outright asked you about it, and you LIED.

If this did become an ongoing thing, and he did become poz, and found out you were poz and lied about it - this could land you in some legal hotwater. You can try and justify it however you want as "oh, he's probably barebacked other people, other people probably have lied (they are assholes also), he didn't ask the first time, blah blah blah" - still, you are now actively lieing about it, which pushes things from being 'careless/risky', to being an outright dick about it.

[jstone360]

I say if u don't want to tell him you lied you should tell home you just tested poz.

[Darkness]

As a top who ran into this situation -- it's your duty to tell him.

To those of us who don't fetishize HIV.... it's still considered to be a BIG FUCKING DEAL. So much so, that if I hit it off on a date with somebody, and something's about to go down without a condom... I would expect the bottom to tell me if there was a risk I should know about. He assumed that everything was cool because you didn't stop the proceedings. I don't care that he did it anyway, because by not disclosing, YOU put him at risk.

When I was in this situation, the guy and I were both drunk... there was a miscommunication about statuses. And that was that. So, being sober -- yes, I think you're scum.

Sidenote, if I was in his situation and found out later -- I would [...]

[edited by rawTOP - be nice to each other guys...]

[RedPhillip]

urcocknotmine, what you do next depends on what you think and/or hope can develop with this guy.

If there seems to be some real relationship potential here - even if that relationship is strictly that of a fuckbuddy or friend-with-benefits, then you have to tell him the truth. If sex with him is going to continue to be bareback, then you need to be up front on your viral load status at the same time as you educate this guy some on the real world risk entailed in topping a poz hole bare. If you are on an effective treatment regimen and have an undetectable viral load (or very low viral load), then the risk your top runs barebacking you is slight. Not zero, but very low. If he decides he's cool with that level of risk, fine. If not, fine. He may be one of those guys that can't handle even the idea of having any kind of sex with a poz guy.

I can see using the tactic of telling him that you've just tested positive but here again, if you think there may be a possibility that this man might become a friend, or a regular fuck, then there's a good chance somewhere down the line that he'll learn the truth. It's always worse when a falsehood is discovered long afterward than setting the record straight as soon as possible. It's not clear where you live, but not disclosing your status may be criminalized in your state. Having the truth come out much after the fact seems to make it more likely that someone who feels deceived would want to take revenge, perhaps legally.

I did see you chose the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' option for HIV status in your profile here. Many years ago I decided the stress and strain of disclosing in person was way too much drama, and have always made my positive status prominent in any profile I've posted. I'm sure it means that some guys won't give me the time of day, and in earlier years I'm sure it meant that I didn't get laid as much as I'd have liked, but the policy has saved me oceans of grief. These days I find neg guys much more willing to play. Still I've also had to make sure that guys actually read my profile, to be sure they know what's what.

[cumpig6969]

You should tell him the truth no matter what and he should have asked you before he was barebacking with you about your status.......he was a consenting adult the first time and should have asked before the deed was done if he was so concerned about it!!!!

[drscorpio]

I think that some folks including our original poster are missing a vital point. If the guy is negative and he has crazy issues with sleeping with a poz guy, then there is NO potential for a serious relationship that involves sex even at the friends with benefits level. He just isn't going to deal with it. Why waste time and energy on someone who won't like you for who you are? There are plenty of guys out there who won't have crazy issues with your status. If he can't deal with who you are, he doesn't deserve you.

All that said, I agree with jstone360. The most tactful way to break the news is with a supposed new HIV test result. This also gives him a chance to show you he does deserve your attention if he rises to the occasion and is supportive.

[NYCPissBear]

If you even have to ask the question, then you have some conscience, or at least a level of moral responsibility. This means that if you continue seeing him without telling the truth, the knowledge of your having lied and continued the deception, and fear of being found out, will eventually interfere with your enjoyment of the sex, leading to a slackening of interest on his part. (Maybe...sounds like in his "topness" he doesn't care whether you enjoy yourself...but he eventually would notice any hesitancy or lack of enthusaism.)

The next thing is that even though you lied, you can still salvage the situation (if there is anything to salvage) by telling him the truth before your next session. I think the suggestion about the "sudden" positive test results doesn't pass the smell test...he could sniff out that it was a contrivance. I would recommend telling him you lied because you were put on the spot and hadn't had time to think it through; but on reflection, since you do want to pursue some kind of continuing relationship, and out of respect, you have to be honest.

There is a downside to this - apart from the possibility he would simply cut off contact - it could give him grounds for legal action if you somehow managed to infect him. But since neither of you raised the queston of status when you had sex, he has some culpability. Others with more familiarity than I with legal issues might suggest this is not such a wise choice, so a lot has to do with your sense of how he would react, as well as the laws in your state/municipality.

Tough choices...but put yourself in his shoes, and try to imagine how you would feel if it happened to you.

[spunxter]

Move on and find a poz friendly one?

[tin]

There is a downside to this - apart from the possibility he would simply cut off contact - it could give him grounds for legal action if you somehow managed to infect him. But since neither of you raised the queston of status when you had sex, he has some culpability. Others with more familiarity than I with legal issues might suggest this is not such a wise choice, so a lot has to do with your sense of how he would react, as well as the laws in your state/municipality.

Tough choices...but put yourself in his shoes, and try to imagine how you would feel if it happened to you.

Most things I've read (although this may depend on where you live), is that it's up-to the HIV+ person to disclose, even if the question was never asked.

Considering the chances of transmitting from a bottom to a top is lower, there is a good chance he is still clean after this encounter. But, if this was to become an ongoing thing, where the OP continued to lie about his status - at some point, he could infect the top, and it would come out that the OP did know, and that wont bode well for him if the top decided to go after him legally.

Frankly, even though HIV is still a very manageable and treatable condition for most people - it still kinda blows. I'm HIV+, and while I haven't hooked up much outside of my relationship since finding out, I've always offered up my status - even when I wasn't asked, and even at the bathhouse (in which the guys just laughed, said they were poz also - and we had a great time).

It doesn't matter if it 'isnt as big of a deal as it used to be' - it is still an incurable, life-long chronic condition that does have a large impact on your health (daily meds, more frequent doctors visits, it impacts how you have relationships with others going forward as not everyone is HIV+ friendly) - so it's still something that someone has the right to decide how they want to manage their risks for it, and the OP has no place in making that choice for the top.

Edited January 22, 2011 by tin

[Deaner]

I'd agree with breaking it off, but might advise AGAINST telling him the truth at this point. Depending where you live, in some places it's not only NOT required that he ask your status, but you can even be charged with a crime even if he doesn't become infected (I don't recall the retails, but remember hearing about someone who was poz and put in prison for spitting in the general direction of someone else. That load of non-transmissible body fluid landing on the other person's shoe was considered attempted homicide!)

Your only graceful way out of this is to claim "I'm just not into you" or stop returning his calls. Although, if you have an evil streak, you MAY want to consider telling him you're not interested because you can't trust a guy who would bareback you on the first date. Sure, he can use the same line on you, but at least it will get him to think twice the next time. I am completely unsympathetic to people who get judgmental over the topic, but still 'enjoy getting a few bare thrusts in now and then' as he put it. That's as bad as politicians who make laws against being gay, but still like to suck cock once in a while.

[hungry_hole]

The objective is that the top make the decision to fucki the HIV+ bottom bareback, urcocknotmine in this case. If urcocknotmine tells his top that he's HIV+, the the top can make the decision himself.

I'm HIV- BB bottom and I've been a big slut for about 15 years. Tons and tons of fucks everwhere, groups, etc. But I never wanted to poz so I've never taken poz cum deliberately. No "bug" fetush here, just a fetish for cum. But because I knew I could poz anytime I wondered how I would feel being poz.

Would I tell my guys? I would tell my regular fuck buddies and I would have more anonymous sex in sex clubs and bathhouses/darkwooms instead of hooking up online, phone, or fuck buddies. By keeping it anonymous I feel that the responsability falls on the other guy. If asked for my status if I were poz? They are probably in my room at the sauna because they saw me me wearing a black T-Shirt withglow-in-the-dark letters: CREAM MY HOLE and my shorts with a hole. My response would be that I never test for anything, because what's the point, so I couldn't answer his question. So it would be up to him and if he was genuinely concerned about infection he shoudl just leave.

In an Internet hookup, a more personable one, I would be more concerned if I were HIV-+.