I have a bf, then what?

[Sharp-edge]

I have a bf whom I'm in love with him. We are together for 8 years. Unfortunately we have lived separately for most of the time. Not in a different city, in different houses. We live in Greece but he's Irish. Things for him are kinda harsh. He works here because he works in a company that just sent him there and he liked the idea of a sunny country like mine. He doesn't speek Greek that great but he's trying. We mostly communicate in english. The problem is we are closeted. He is less closeted than me, some of his friends know. At times I feel I make him sad because of this. We should somehow live our common life and we have spent several years. That's not as much as it sounds provided that I am in medical school and time just flies with study. He was so patient and still is. But I don't know what to do. I went to a friend's wedding the day before yesterday. Everybody brough his gf (nobody way but me). I was the single guy as always. So sad. I have him and I'm "hiding" him. I'm fed up. He asked me if I wanna us to go to Dublin and live there. I don't believe that gay guy are better there. Butmaybe we should do that in Greece? And tell some people because I have to explain them and if they dont like they can get out of my life dunno. What do u think?

[BootmanLA]

So much to unpack here. I'm going to assume that language translation difficulties are responsible for a lot of this.

1.  You say you've been "together" for eight years, but that his company "just sent him here" - suggesting you were living apart most of your relationship.

2. Things are different in every country - sometimes better, sometimes worse, and sometimes a mix of both. The only way to know what it would be like is to visit there more often and see what it's like. That may mean taking a break from school, or seeing if you can study a semester over there.

3. I do not want to stereotype cultures, but I would have a hard time believing that the social pressure to remain closeted is as strong in Ireland as it is in Greece.

4. Greece and Ireland are not the only options for your future. Greece and Ireland are both in the EU, meaning you have options across the EU. Yes, relocation has costs, and going somewhere you do not speak the local language is hard to do. But it's possible to go somewhere that is much more gay-welcoming.

5. As for telling people in Greece and dumping the friends who are not supportive? That's certainly doable, as well, but only you can tell whether this would put your personal safety at risk.

Bottom Line: this is a decision no one else can make for you and very few people can give you specific "Do this" or "Do that" advice because they don't know the entirety of your situation.

In America, we have a saying: "Time to put on your big-boy pants" - meaning that sometimes, you have to make an adult decision, do what's right for you, and resolve to live with the consequences. But only you can decide what's right for you.

[evilqueerpig]

On youtube, there is a married older/younger Irish/American married gay couple, Queer Daze and watching them ,it's obvious they're very much in love.  Of course, they're both 'out' and there's no language barrier and Ireland is a wonderful place for them to live, but if the 2 of you aren't living authentically, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.  People who don't support you and him as gay men do not belong in your lives.

[RubberAustria]

Hi! I was in the same Situation with my ex-husband. After a few month we came out to everybody as gay and a couple. And I mean everybody. Only one guy avoided contact to me- and you know what: He is married but everybody thinks he is gay….

So live your dreams. Fuck the conservatives in your country ( and there are a lot that enjoy that😝😜😝). As you work in the health service you find a job everywhere. Or move to Mykonos- isn‘t it a little bit gay? 🤪🤪 I was there and the local church is a cruising area- so funny to see the action controlled with Holy Spirit. Semen instead of Amen

[Sharp-edge]

21 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

So much to unpack here. I'm going to assume that language translation difficulties are responsible for a lot of this.

1.  You say you've been "together" for eight years, but that his company "just sent him here" - suggesting you were living apart most of your relationship.

2. Things are different in every country - sometimes better, sometimes worse, and sometimes a mix of both. The only way to know what it would be like is to visit there more often and see what it's like. That may mean taking a break from school, or seeing if you can study a semester over there.

3. I do not want to stereotype cultures, but I would have a hard time believing that the social pressure to remain closeted is as strong in Ireland as it is in Greece.

4. Greece and Ireland are not the only options for your future. Greece and Ireland are both in the EU, meaning you have options across the EU. Yes, relocation has costs, and going somewhere you do not speak the local language is hard to do. But it's possible to go somewhere that is much more gay-welcoming.

5. As for telling people in Greece and dumping the friends who are not supportive? That's certainly doable, as well, but only you can tell whether this would put your personal safety at risk.

Bottom Line: this is a decision no one else can make for you and very few people can give you specific "Do this" or "Do that" advice because they don't know the entirety of your situation.

In America, we have a saying: "Time to put on your big-boy pants" - meaning that sometimes, you have to make an adult decision, do what's right for you, and resolve to live with the consequences. But only you can decide what's right for you.

you are right about the translation  difficulties

1. Maybe  "just" was a wrong word, I meant "simply". He was working for an Irish company that wanted someone in Greece so they just/simply sent him there quite easily. I met him in Greece not in Ireland.

2. I'm finishing medical school so things will get better. I can even start a specialty in Dublin if we move.

3. Well about Ireland..They're quite religious. We are orthodox they are catholics but still both countries are religious. About abortion things are complicated there too. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm saying it won't make much of a difference.

5. You are right about that. I don't feel threatened. But it would be weird. I think that my friends can't understand the concept of being gay. For them a gay guy, is someone who is girly and deep inside wants to be a woman. Whether they believe that he has AIDS or he practices paid sex (does that sound like proper english?) is a bonus. Depends on how homophobic the other person is he can add several stereotypes. A friend of mine, the one that I consider the closest to me of all (and yes even him does not know) always asks  me why I don't have a gf. He can't think I'm gay. If I was (from his point of view) I would be walking in a weird way, my voice would be weird, I would be dressed in pink or something or whatever. I look "too normal" and being normal excludes u from being gay. I believe these are his thoughts. He would be like "why are u a couple and u dont find two wives?"

[bluedragon]

I live in Dublin (though I'm in London just now).

Ireland has changed *a lot* in the past twenty years - the power and influence of the Catholic church has collapsed because of various scandals, most especially the Magdalene laundries/Mother and Baby homes and the child trafficking that went on.  62% of the electorate voted for same-sex marriage in 2015. The previous Taoiseach (Prime Minister), Leo Varadkar, is openly gay and in a relationship with a man and will probably be back in power at the end of this year. Abortion was recently legalised too.

 

I have a job that involves work with the younger generation (in their 20s) and they are the most liberal group of all. Dublin is also the most liberal part of the country. There is prejudice in Ireland, but if you can't come out in Greece, Ireland is a much better option.  (House prices, cost of living, and condition of public services are another discussion altogether).

That said, maybe once you have moved and feel more stable in your relationship, you might think about telling your friends back home. You can be the proof that gay men are not all the stereotypes that they think.

[bluedragon]

BTW I assume this Irish guy is not the blind guy you posted about in the past here.

[VersGuyAnon]

23 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I have a bf whom I'm in love with him. We are together for 8 years. Unfortunately we have lived separately for most of the time. Not in a different city, in different houses. We live in Greece but he's Irish. Things for him are kinda harsh. He works here because he works in a company that just sent him there and he liked the idea of a sunny country like mine. He doesn't speek Greek that great but he's trying. We mostly communicate in english. The problem is we are closeted. He is less closeted than me, some of his friends know. At times I feel I make him sad because of this. We should somehow live our common life and we have spent several years. That's not as much as it sounds provided that I am in medical school and time just flies with study. He was so patient and still is. But I don't know what to do. I went to a friend's wedding the day before yesterday. Everybody brough his gf (nobody way but me). I was the single guy as always. So sad. I have him and I'm "hiding" him. I'm fed up. He asked me if I wanna us to go to Dublin and live there. I don't believe that gay guy are better there. Butmaybe we should do that in Greece? And tell some people because I have to explain them and if they dont like they can get out of my life dunno. What do u think?

I think it would be worth trying to find some allies/people you can speak with in your city/town, to discuss how accepted gay people are locally. Is there a LGBT centre or switchboard? My thought is perhaps things are more accepted locally than you realise, which would make it easier for you to start opening up and coming out to selected people.  

[newbieLND]

On 7/11/2022 at 10:19 PM, Sharp-edge said:

I have a bf whom I'm in love with him. We are together for 8 years. Unfortunately we have lived separately for most of the time. Not in a different city, in different houses. We live in Greece but he's Irish. Things for him are kinda harsh. He works here because he works in a company that just sent him there and he liked the idea of a sunny country like mine. He doesn't speek Greek that great but he's trying. We mostly communicate in english. The problem is we are closeted. He is less closeted than me, some of his friends know. At times I feel I make him sad because of this. We should somehow live our common life and we have spent several years. That's not as much as it sounds provided that I am in medical school and time just flies with study. He was so patient and still is. But I don't know what to do. I went to a friend's wedding the day before yesterday. Everybody brough his gf (nobody way but me). I was the single guy as always. So sad. I have him and I'm "hiding" him. I'm fed up. He asked me if I wanna us to go to Dublin and live there. I don't believe that gay guy are better there. Butmaybe we should do that in Greece? And tell some people because I have to explain them and if they dont like they can get out of my life dunno. What do u think?

First of all, whatever you do, do it for your own happiness and not his. Everyone has different ways of coming to terms with their sexuality and gender and I am sure your bf understands that. Also, don’t feel you need to explain to your friends or family your sexuality. If they really love you they will be happy to see you fully realised with the person you choose to be with. They may need some time to understand but that it is their problem and not yours. You may decide to go to Irland or somewhere else where you may feel freer but eventually, your loved ones will come around to support you.

As @bluedragon Mentioned, Irland has changed a lot however I lived in Dublin a while ago, and my experience was that many guys were full of guilt. I hope this has changed now. In London, there is indeed more freedom but still many guys still struggle. Particularly from certain minorities. For that reason, you must focus on your own happiness and once your friends see how happy you are they will be delighted. 

You can always explore what people in more liberated places in Greece, such as Mykonos, are doing.

[Sharp-edge]

About Dublin I don't know. I'm not currently a resident so I suppose people are more updated than me. I've visited several times though, I had the impression that it's not that LGBT friendly (compared to other EU countries).

 

@bluedragonnope that's not him, but we hang out with that guy too.

@newbieLNDI had the same impression for Ireland as u. If he's happy, I'm happy (and hopefully  this works vice versa). So I could give it a try.

 

I did a tiny coming out to a friend. She was very cool with that (but actually I kinda knew she would be that's why I told her + I'm pretty sure she already knew because  i tend to talk about my bf).

[GreekPig]

Καλησπέρα ❤️

 

From Greek to Greek! If you and your partner are financially independent, and can build a life together, move forward and stop hiding him!

 

The first step is the hardest, but every following step will become easier!

 

Don't wait to live your life in fear of upsetting or losing people around you. However cannot accept your true self, needs to go get lost!

 

Don't waste another minute hiding!

[Sharp-edge]

14 hours ago, mamo said:

Καλησπέρα ❤️

 

From Greek to Greek! If you and your partner are financially independent, and can build a life together, move forward and stop hiding him!

 

The first step is the hardest, but every following step will become easier!

 

Don't wait to live your life in fear of upsetting or losing people around you. However cannot accept your true self, needs to go get lost!

 

Don't waste another minute hiding!

γεια σου πατριωτη 🙂

 

well we are financially independent and with no strings attached to many people (few family members/friends only) so we could leave greece fairly easily.

Maybe chosing the country could be the hardest part, Dublin has the advantage that my guy is from there so that will make everything easier I  suppose.

PS I've spent at least a decade hiding..