Crush on my best friend

[MoonDreamer]

I always thought of that as a cliché, or even worse a stereotype about gays and their straight friends. But now it's me the one with the crush. I'm 24yo and so is my friend. We know each other since forever. We were always very close. He was the first guy to tell I'm gay. He was very happy when I did tell him. I had a crash on a guy back then and he had figured. He felt very happy that I trusted him with that. But he's a str8 guy, he has had plenty of gfs. I feel troubled though. I definitely love him but I can't tell for sure whether there is something sexual/sensual/erotic or whatever else you may call it. I know he loves me too, at least as a friend. Love is a misused word. People say that they love their friends but I'm not sure if they realise how big that word is. I love that guy. Some days ago, we slept together for some nights. I felt so close to him. We spent days together, we cooked together, we watched movies together. It felt as if we were a couple minus the sexual part. That made me feel that I don't need anything else in my life than him. I've absolutely no doubt about his orientation. He's so gentle and caring with me though. We exchange goodnight messages, we talk daily and meet several times a week. We call each other certain names that I'd feel embarrassed if someone else heard me (or him) calling. Somehow I still see inside him the child that he was and I feel as a child again with him. He's the person that feels like home.

One more thing to say. I enjoy close contact with him. Hugs, and rubbing each other is usual. So what I'm trying to decipher? Whether I'm in love with him or just love him too much.

[PendragonSpirit]

Oh, luv. A struggle I know far too well. One I'm dealing with currently, in fact. 

The short answer is there is no short answer. Nobody but you can determine the truth. And really, what is the difference between being in love and loving someone too much? For what it's worth, though, it sounds like he does love you. Maybe not in a romantic way, but in a deeply platonic way. I would think if there was a romantic interest, he'd have made a move at some point over the years.

The real question is... can you bear to carry around an ever-burning torch forever? That, again, is something only you can answer.

[viking8x6]

40 minutes ago, MoonDreamer said:

So what I'm trying to decipher? Whether I'm in love with him or just love him too much.

"In love" makes you nuts. The movie "Moonstruck" depicts it very well. "Love" in my opinion is much more encompassing, and can be deeper. I used to be afraid to use the word more broadly lest it be misinterpreted, but now that I've been around the track a few times (*cough* old enough to be your dad *cough*) I'm starting to care less about that and more about expressing feelings that are important. The best way of explaining it I have yet found is, Love (in that sense) is Family (in the good sense - your blood family may not qualify). These are people (and almost everyone I know has more than one) we trust implicitly, we know are on our side, for whom we'd go to the ends of the Earth. We can live with these people (or could imagine doing so - sometimes we're incompatible for cohabitation).

For me, this group includes birth family (my father, mother, and brother), extended family (at least one uncle, one aunt, and one cousin), and chosen family (my fiance, my best friend forever whom I met in college). Whether that relationship includes a sexual element is up to the people involved, but American culture is on the prudish side about it, and even such things as back massages with adults in one's extended family can get the hairy eyeball. Physical contact (at the hugging and cheek kissing level) with people in this group is completely normal, and sanctioned in many cultures. In my personal opinion, more sexualized contact within this group is probably also perfectly normal for humans, in a biological and psychological sense, but that culture and the incest and adultery taboos have mangled our natural responses. That said, if the individuals involved are sufficiently self-aware to transcend that cultural baggage, it can work just fine, and probably does more often than we hear about. Furthermore, because sex in this context is less about eroticism and more about the expression of a personal bond and trust, it can (and does) cross the lines of "straight" and "gay" (which are only sensibly defined with respect to erotic inclination). I can attest to those possibilities from personal experience - in my case they did become reality, and though very occasional in that case, it was more than once and quite clear that it was intentional and there were no regrets (I was not the instigator).

So, if you and your friend are respectful of each other's feelings and boundaries and can get past our cultural neuroses, it seems to me that you need not fear claiming whatever kind of love you have together and enjoying it to its fullest blossom, whatever that may be in this case. Love is Love, and there's no such thing as too much!

[MoonDreamer]

21 hours ago, PendragonSpirit said:

Oh, luv. A struggle I know far too well. One I'm dealing with currently, in fact. 

The short answer is there is no short answer. Nobody but you can determine the truth. And really, what is the difference between being in love and loving someone too much? For what it's worth, though, it sounds like he does love you. Maybe not in a romantic way, but in a deeply platonic way. I would think if there was a romantic interest, he'd have made a move at some point over the years.

The real question is... can you bear to carry around an ever-burning torch forever? That, again, is something only you can answer.

Well.. I have romantic feelings but I hesitate to move any further. I know it can be tormenting not to have what one desires but it doesn't feel that much of a struggle yet. I have almost everything else from him. I can hug him as much I want, I love him more than the words can tell. He loves me too, time has proven that. He feels like a brother (I guess that's how it should feel, I'm an only child). I worry what will happen when he gets married. I know I will always be second than his family and this hurts. But since this will be what makes him happy, I will be happy too (I hope).

 

21 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

Furthermore, because sex in this context is less about eroticism and more about the expression of a personal bond and trust, it can (and does) cross the lines of "straight" and "gay" (which are only sensibly defined with respect to erotic inclination). I can attest to those possibilities from personal experience - in my case they did become reality, and though very occasional in that case, it was more than once and quite clear that it was intentional and there were no regrets (I was not the instigator).

So, if you and your friend are respectful of each other's feelings and boundaries and can get past our cultural neuroses, it seems to me that you need not fear claiming whatever kind of love you have together and enjoying it to its fullest blossom, whatever that may be in this case. Love is Love, and there's no such thing as too much!

That's one of the truest thing I've ever heard. You put it in the words I couldn't find. It feels like an overflown love that looks for ways to be released and sex could be one of these. I crave for his scent. Somehow I can smell him. Some people don't have that or they don't care about scents, but for me it's important. I'm not talking about bad smells or perfumes. I'm talking about his natural scent that when I breathe it feels like him. I love messing with his hair, I do that and he likes it. He calls me something that more or less means "tiny baby" which would sound very weird between males (or friends in general) and I call him something that means (not exactly though) my loved one. Sometimes I may use a t'shirt of his and jerk off, I enjoy it. I often feel that without him I would be sad.

[drscorpio]

Honestly, I don't think you are entirely out of line here. The relationship you describe sound like it has strong overtones of a romance. At the very least, there is some mixed-messaging going on whether intentional or not. 

I think you need to use your words. It sounds like your connection with this friend is strong; it can probably bear a discussion about your wanting more. I am not guaranteeing he will reciprocate, but everything you have said about him makes it sound like he won't freak out about your asking.