Long Term Relationships Thoughts?

[badjujuboy]

I thought I'd get some perspectives on long-term relationships and sex.  I've been in a great relationship for a couple of years now... actually the longest I've ever been in. One thing that I've experienced is talking with guys who have been in long-term relationships (10+ years) and most of the guys end up saying they are no longer sexually intimate with their husbands, partners, etc. My bf and I have begun to talk about this fact. As I've said to my friends in the past, I can't imagine being in a relationship that does not include sex and don't see myself ever changing that.

I'm wondering what others might think about coming to terms with no sex relationships. Would you continue in it and find your needs somewhere else or end it? Quite a few times, I've been the one that has been sought out by the one who still needed sex. I would ask them why they continue on in the relationship. I get the "cause our finances are mixed" and such to which my response has always been "Split the finances and get out. Why settle? I don't need a roommate." 

Edited October 21, 2022 by badjujuboy

[BootmanLA]

I think it depends on the length and depth of the relationship.

Two years in? Yeah, I'd say call it quits, move on, and try to find something that fits better.

Ten years in? It's not necessarily just intertwined financials. It's shared pets, shared experiences, shared traditions, not to mention deep affection that goes beyond sex. Just like married straight couples sometimes stay together even if sex has waned, gay couples can do that too.

The point is that gay relationships, being already somewhat transgressive, don't have to stick with the same rules as other people's. The relationship can be based on, and include or exclude, any factors the participants wish.

One thing to remember is that as we age, the number of potential relationship partners may well decline just as the number of potential sexual partners declines. If the pools of both are shrinking, the chances of finding someone who's a member of both pools can be a lot tougher. So ditching someone who's otherwise a great relationship partner in hopes of finding someone else who's both a great relationship partner AND a good sexual outlet may not be the best bet some people can make.

[barebackbro]

I don't want to be blunt, but you don't seem to  place much store in love, @badjujuboy. Your post seems to suggest that a partner = roommate + sex, without any emotional element.

[badjujuboy]

16 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

I think it depends on the length and depth of the relationship.

Two years in? Yeah, I'd say call it quits, move on, and try to find something that fits better.

Ten years in? It's not necessarily just intertwined financials. It's shared pets, shared experiences, shared traditions, not to mention deep affection that goes beyond sex. Just like married straight couples sometimes stay together even if sex has waned, gay couples can do that too.

The point is that gay relationships, being already somewhat transgressive, don't have to stick with the same rules as other people's. The relationship can be based on, and include or exclude, any factors the participants wish.

One thing to remember is that as we age, the number of potential relationship partners may well decline just as the number of potential sexual partners declines. If the pools of both are shrinking, the chances of finding someone who's a member of both pools can be a lot tougher. So ditching someone who's otherwise a great relationship partner in hopes of finding someone else who's both a great relationship partner AND a good sexual outlet may not be the best bet some people can make.

@BootmanLA I guess I misrepresented my current relationship.  Everything is fine in mine and we were (and have in the past) discussed this topic.  It's just the fact that I was speaking with a friend today and it came out that hasn't had sex with his husband for a long time... we're talking years. I had another tell me it had been seven at the time in the past.  I just find it hard to imagine that part being nonexistent. Thus, I'm ok with being single if I can't have that. As you said: gay relationships are already somewhat transgressive and don't have to stick with the same rules as other people's.

[BootmanLA]

Just now, badjujuboy said:

@BootmanLA I guess I misrepresented my current relationship.  Everything is fine in mine and we were (and have in the past) discussed this topic.  It's just the fact that I was speaking with a friend today and it came out that hasn't had sex with his husband for a long time... we're talking years. I had another tell me it had been seven at the time in the past.  I just find it hard to imagine that part being nonexistent. Thus, I'm ok with being single if I can't have that. As you said: gay relationships are already somewhat transgressive and don't have to stick with the same rules as other people's.

Not saying you (or anyone else) should stick with a relationship if you (or he) doesn't want to.

I'm just saying that a relationship can be built on things other than sex, and that it can be preferable to be partnered with no remaining sexual interest (and getting whatever sex one wants elsewhere) rather than being single. Maybe not in your case, and that's fine. 

[badjujuboy]

13 minutes ago, barebackbro said:

I don't want to be blunt, but you don't seem to  place much store in love, @badjujuboy. Your post seems to suggest that a partner = roommate + sex, without any emotional element.

@barebackbro If it seems to be that I didn't add an emotional element to my post. It's because I equate those emotions as being a de facto part of the relationship... without the emotional element, there would simply be a sexual relationship which I have been in too.

[barebackbro]

6 minutes ago, badjujuboy said:

@barebackbro If it seems to be that I didn't add an emotional element to my post. It's because I equate those emotions as being a de facto part of the relationship... without the emotional element, there would simply be a sexual relationship which I have been in too.

Thanks for your calm response to my provocative post. Sorry!

To answer your question ("Why settle?"), sex is plentiful and love is rare. I can definitely see why guys would stay for love, at least as long as they were able to fuck other guys, one way or another.

I agree that staying because of financial entanglement is a great way to make two lives miserable!

[badjujuboy]

19 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

Not saying you (or anyone else) should stick with a relationship if you (or he) doesn't want to.

I'm just saying that a relationship can be built on things other than sex, and that it can be preferable to be partnered with no remaining sexual interest (and getting whatever sex one wants elsewhere) rather than being single. Maybe not in your case, and that's fine. 

@BootmanLA Thanks for this... I'm interested in the range of thoughts on relationships that move towards no sex.  My post may definitely appear jaded but that is my thought on this. Perhaps it will change. After all, it’s only been two years. Rereading my post, I should have stated that my response about splitting finances was something I've said in the past but, as in today's conversation, I just listened without a response which got me thinking about different views.

Edited October 21, 2022 by badjujuboy

[TaKinGDeePanal]

@versmetropig has been married for over 25 years. I'm sure that if you PM him, he'll have some quite erudite observations to make.

[versmetropig]

Since @TaKinGDeePanalmentioned me, I'll jump in here. My husband and I have been together for 33 years (and married legally when it became legal in NY in 2012). We have had, since our second date a sexually open relationship - both of us had lost our first partners in our 20s, his to testicular cancer, mine to AIDS. We are currently 59 (me) and 63 (him) years old. We met as him 100% top and me 90% top, Me = HIV positive since before 1985, him still HIV negative 33 years later.

When neither of us is performing he works nights and I work days - meaning for the vast majority of these 33 years except when we were  performing in a show TOGETHER, I was alone on Friday and Saturday nights. Frankly, he was happy for me to go out to a sex party or sex venue and play around rather than sit home doing nothing or go to a bar where any guy I chatted with was likely looking for more than a one-night hookup.

That said, for the first 21 years of our relationship, we had sex ourselves at least 5 nights if not 6 nights a week. And with him, sex wasn't just sex, it was if you'll pardon the mawkishness making love along with sexual release. Very different from just sex with a buddy. Yes, many nights it was fairly quick and mostly oral, but we still connected on a sexual level and enjoyed it thoroughly even while both of us enjoyed extra-curricular activities both together and alone.

Unfortunately, Rheumatoid Arthritis runs in his family and it hit him early, by the 21st year of our relationship, sex began being painful for him, a few years on it stopped pretty much completely as even receiving a blow job from me caused too much pain, and he was no longer getting hard (which mortified him) and he just turned off sexually, in the intervening 10 years we have had sex a total of 3 times. At first I was devastated, my libido still in overdrive (as he always says), but also the romantic sexual connection between us was something extremely special that doesn't happen in other sex and I really really missed - and still miss - it.

Of course, that led to guilt on his part, and hurt. loss and admittedly a bit of anger on my part. But I'm not a monster, I can see he was in so much pain, and much as it hurt me to do so, I had to start kind of numbing myself to the fact that there was a naked man beside me in bed every night whom I dearly loved and still found sexy, AND I COULD NOT TOUCH OR SUCK OR PLAY WITH HIM AT ALL. It's still somewhat of a challenge - and he is frankly quite grateful that we set up our relationship the way we did so that I can still enjoy the sexual experiences I've always enjoyed (me having always been much more adventurous and kinky than him and getting into scenes he wasn't into when I play own my own) and continue to have a sex life even though his he feels is quite done. I will always maintain hope that some day some time... but realistically its not likely to happen.

Why do we stay together? Because much as I'm a sex freak, that's not ALL there is to a relationship, especially not one that's lasted this long - one based not only on sexual attraction, but mutual interests, mutual goals, healthy intelligent conversation (even after 33 years), mutual love and respect, and the fact that he's also my best friend. Although this isn't the way I'd prefer our life to be, neither of us will ditch all we have because one of us is still a horny bastard and the other has lost interest in ALL sex, not just in his husband.

Does that help @badjujuboy? Feel free to IM if you want specifics on how our open sexual relationship works and how we keep from getting jealous... 

[PozBearWI]

Echoing @versmetropig.  My relationship is in its 23rd year.  We have been sexually open after the first couple of months.  Between us our sex life is largely affection more than getting off.  

More than getting off though; is sharing a life with another human.  We've become a family.  Aging has introduced challenges to each of us.  

[badjujuboy]

17 hours ago, versmetropig said:

Since @TaKinGDeePanalmentioned me, I'll jump in here. My husband and I have been together for 33 years (and married legally when it became legal in NY in 2012). We have had, since our second date a sexually open relationship - both of us had lost our first partners in our 20s, his to testicular cancer, mine to AIDS. We are currently 59 (me) and 63 (him) years old. We met as him 100% top and me 90% top, Me = HIV positive since before 1985, him still HIV negative 33 years later.

When neither of us is performing he works nights and I work days - meaning for the vast majority of these 33 years except when we were  performing in a show TOGETHER, I was alone on Friday and Saturday nights. Frankly, he was happy for me to go out to a sex party or sex venue and play around rather than sit home doing nothing or go to a bar where any guy I chatted with was likely looking for more than a one-night hookup.

That said, for the first 21 years of our relationship, we had sex ourselves at least 5 nights if not 6 nights a week. And with him, sex wasn't just sex, it was if you'll pardon the mawkishness making love along with sexual release. Very different from just sex with a buddy. Yes, many nights it was fairly quick and mostly oral, but we still connected on a sexual level and enjoyed it thoroughly even while both of us enjoyed extra-curricular activities both together and alone.

Unfortunately, Rheumatoid Arthritis runs in his family and it hit him early, by the 21st year of our relationship, sex began being painful for him, a few years on it stopped pretty much completely as even receiving a blow job from me caused too much pain, and he was no longer getting hard (which mortified him) and he just turned off sexually, in the intervening 10 years we have had sex a total of 3 times. At first I was devastated, my libido still in overdrive (as he always says), but also the romantic sexual connection between us was something extremely special that doesn't happen in other sex and I really really missed - and still miss - it.

Of course, that led to guilt on his part, and hurt. loss and admittedly a bit of anger on my part. But I'm not a monster, I can see he was in so much pain, and much as it hurt me to do so, I had to start kind of numbing myself to the fact that there was a naked man beside me in bed every night whom I dearly loved and still found sexy, AND I COULD NOT TOUCH OR SUCK OR PLAY WITH HIM AT ALL. It's still somewhat of a challenge - and he is frankly quite grateful that we set up our relationship the way we did so that I can still enjoy the sexual experiences I've always enjoyed (me having always been much more adventurous and kinky than him and getting into scenes he wasn't into when I play own my own) and continue to have a sex life even though his he feels is quite done. I will always maintain hope that some day some time... but realistically its not likely to happen.

Why do we stay together? Because much as I'm a sex freak, that's not ALL there is to a relationship, especially not one that's lasted this long - one based not only on sexual attraction, but mutual interests, mutual goals, healthy intelligent conversation (even after 33 years), mutual love and respect, and the fact that he's also my best friend. Although this isn't the way I'd prefer our life to be, neither of us will ditch all we have because one of us is still a horny bastard and the other has lost interest in ALL sex, not just in his husband.

Does that help @badjujuboy? Feel free to IM if you want specifics on how our open sexual relationship works and how we keep from getting jealous... 

Thanks for your perspective @versmetropig. It's interests me to hear different thoughts on this. My bf and I do have an open relationship and have from the start. I'm 100% bottom and he's vers. Sometimes, he definitely craves a cock in his cunt which I can't oblige.... it's just not in me to do it but enjoy knowing and at times watching him experience it. It makes me actually more attracted to him as I enjoy servicing other subs/bottoms. I've had many FWB, so I know the difference between sex for sex's sake and sex with an emotional attachment. It was a journey though.

As I've posted before, we're only two years into this and hopefully, we'll have the opportunity to see where ours leads us. It's ours to develop and make work for us. It's the relationships where a couple seems to be stuck (no sex/we're only together because of mixed finances; the only way I get these days is by my hand, etc.) that discouraged me and prompted me to just put this out there.

 

Edited October 21, 2022 by badjujuboy

[KylerIsTrash]

I’ve always strugged with sex in a LTR. I have a high sex drive but without fail, once I’m in a relationship, I’m no longer interested in sex with my partner.  I’ve had a lot of hard conversations about this and I think it results from 1) I like anonymous hookups (once I know someone the sex is no longer anon) and 2) the drive to have sex with my partner gives way to other forms of intamacy (the emotional relationship replaces the physical). 

I swear I could be dating the most attractive and boner-inducing guy and I’d lose interest in fucking after a couple months. It causes discord because my partner wants to continue fucking me and I’m always the one saying I want to go fuck everybody else.

I’ve tried doing the open relationship but feelings always get hurt when I show more sexual interest in the randos. Also discovering T can fuck up a relationship pretty hard (Don’t do drugs 🤣). 

[Twochipigs]

34 minutes ago, KylerIsTrash said:

I’ve always strugged with sex in a LTR. I have a high sex drive but without fail, once I’m in a relationship, I’m no longer interested in sex with my partner.

Q:  How do you cure a nymphomaniac?

A:   Marry her.

[badjujuboy]

4 hours ago, KylerIsTrash said:

I’ve always strugged with sex in a LTR. I have a high sex drive but without fail, once I’m in a relationship, I’m no longer interested in sex with my partner.  I’ve had a lot of hard conversations about this and I think it results from 1) I like anonymous hookups (once I know someone the sex is no longer anon) and 2) the drive to have sex with my partner gives way to other forms of intamacy (the emotional relationship replaces the physical). 

I swear I could be dating the most attractive and boner-inducing guy and I’d lose interest in fucking after a couple months. It causes discord because my partner wants to continue fucking me and I’m always the one saying I want to go fuck everybody else.

I’ve tried doing the open relationship but feelings always get hurt when I show more sexual interest in the randos. Also discovering T can fuck up a relationship pretty hard (Don’t do drugs 🤣). 

@KylerIsTrash Been there... the only relationship I had where we had moved in together ended when the desire ended quickly.  I had a yearly check-up and talked to my doc about it. I even had a testosterone level check.  The results were fine and that's when I realized that it was that I just wasn't into it anymore. For now, my bf and I have are own places where we can go to be on our own if we want though most nights we're together.

I've also been the one that has played with couples. The one that I enjoyed the most ended when I ended up seeing one on the side without the other. The side one kept it a secret from his husband but it eventually came out when he started to notice how side and I were when the three of us were together. The three of us also would play with a few others at times. The last time I saw them, we had met another guy and the four of us went back to their place.  The side fucked the other guy while the other fucked me. After fucking me, he basically said that it was getting late and they needed to cut the session short. The side was surprised but... what could he say? That was the last time I got together with them.

Edited October 22, 2022 by badjujuboy