Relationship between a versatile and a top

[robertt8709]

Hello everybody.  I hope you are all right.
I would like to know what the experience is like for people who are in a relationship where one is top and the other versatile.
 I met a guy about 2 months ago, and for 1 month we have been in a serious relationship.  At first, we just met in grindr and had nothing emotional. I already knew that he was active, he also already knew that I was versatile, but it was just casual. However, as I got to know him I started to like him a lot, because we get along very well and we have an incredible connection. So one day he just told me he was starting to have feeling about me, then we start a relationship.I feel like i'm the happiest guy in the world when i'm next to him (we have some differences such as age, where he is 38 years old and I am 24 , I am more emotional and he is more skeptical and rational (I even understand the fact that he is more rational from what he told me about past relationships that were terrible for him)).
 At first, I didn't mind being more bottom, however, I want to continue being versatile, but he has already told me that he has no desire to bottom, that he has tried a few times and that in a previous relationship he already did it to please and felt bad, that he can't get horny.  He said he wouldn't mind opening up the relationship or doing a threesome, but I don't like that idea, as I'm monogamous, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of getting involved with someone else while i'm in a serious relationship.  The problem is that I'm getting a little anxious about this, because I love him so much, and I would have no problem waiting as long as it takes for him to warm up to the idea.  But from what I know of him, I don't know if he would change his mind or think about it, even more so because he already said that he didn't like it the other times he tried it and that the last time we talked about it he was a little afraid for not being able to satisfy me when I desire to be top.
 I'm lost, I feel like I'm being selfish for thinking about something that maybe won't happen, but it's unfair for me to also neglect something that I know I'll want over time.
 I would like to ask what I should do in this situation, as above all I love him very much, and I wouldn't want to do anything that could hurt his feelings.

[BootmanLA]

18 hours ago, robertt8709 said:

He said he wouldn't mind opening up the relationship or doing a threesome, but I don't like that idea, as I'm monogamous, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of getting involved with someone else while i'm in a serious relationship.  The problem is that I'm getting a little anxious about this, because I love him so much, and I would have no problem waiting as long as it takes for him to warm up to the idea.  But from what I know of him, I don't know if he would change his mind or think about it, even more so because he already said that he didn't like it the other times he tried it and that the last time we talked about it he was a little afraid for not being able to satisfy me when I desire to be top.
 I'm lost, I feel like I'm being selfish for thinking about something that maybe won't happen, but it's unfair for me to also neglect something that I know I'll want over time.
 I would like to ask what I should do in this situation, as above all I love him very much, and I wouldn't want to do anything that could hurt his feelings.

Oh lord, where to start.

First: As for "waiting as long as it takes" - (a) you are essentially saying you want to go into a relationship with someone expecting him to eventually change his mind about something very specific and personal to him, on which he's already made a choice. This is sort of like the gay equivalent of those straight couples who get married despite one saying he/she is adamantly against having children and the other saying he/she is determined to have a family. Each one hopes - indeed, expects - the other one to come around to his/her point of view.

And sometimes that happens, but a lot of the time - probably most of the time - it doesn't, and the relationship ends because in the end the two people, no matter how they feel about each other, want incompatible things.

That's the boat you're in. You want a versatile partner. He is not a versatile man. He's made it clear he's a top, and he's even offered you a way that you can satisfy the physical need you have for topping, but in a manner you don't find acceptable.

Well, tough love time: we can't always get what we want, life is about compromise, expecting the other guy to be the one to bend and make the major compromise is a fool's errand.

Second: you've been "dating" all of two months. I put that in quotes because it didn't even begin as dating, but as a hookup, and yet you already are calling it a "serious relationship" and professing your love. Girl, dial it back a notch or ten; whatever you're feeling, pleasant ass it may be, isn't developed to the point you could call it a "serious relationship" involving "love". It might develop into that, at some point; it might even be semi-serious dating. But not to the level you seem to think you're at.

Third: You said yourself you're monogamously wired, and he says he's fine with an open relationship. Has he expressly, clearly, and plainly said he will be happy in a monogamous relationship with you? Does he profess to love you the way you think you love him? Given the 14 year age gap between you, I'd certainly be treading carefully - not because relationships with an age gap that large can't work, but because you're at very different points in your life and he's had 14 years for his outlook to solidify. While the adage "can't teach an old dog new tricks" isn't quite the right one, he's had a lot longer to figure out what works for him in life, and what doesn't, and going into a "relationship" with the express notion that you're going to bottom for him until some magical moment when he, I don't know, comes to his senses and discovers he wants to bottom sometimes too seems like a really, really bad idea.

Because my guess is, you'll stay and stay and stay in that mis-aligned relationship until you realize you're in your 30's and you haven't topped in a decade and you've missed out on a lot of things you really, really wanted to experience. And that will be happening as he hits solidly into middle age and is (likely) slowing down himself some, and you'll end up resenting having waited through your prime for something that was never on the table to begin with.

There's nothing wrong with continuing to see this guy, but you might seriously reconsider this idea that you're already in love in a serious relationship. Because it seems to me you've identified a fundamental incompatibility in what you two want from a relationship, and the question isn't "How can I make him change?" or even "How do I make myself happy while I wait for him to change?" but instead "Can I be happy with this man, as he is, under the terms he's willing to live?" And if not, best to end it now.

[hungry_hole]

21 hours ago, robertt8709 said:

I would like to know what the experience is like for people who are in a relationship where one is top and the other versatile.

The question assumes that being "top" and being "versatile" are "fixed identities", when I they are neither fixed nor identities.

I had a friend who was a bottom and he liked young guys who were into topping. He began a relationship with a 20 yr-old very cute guy who was a top, but a few months later he came out to my friend as a bottom.

Being a bottom or being versatile is a way of expressing needs, sucking cocks, getting fucked, taking loads or also getting cock sucked and fucking holes. Most guys start more as tops because bottoming requires guys' intrusion.

[BootmanLA]

On 1/14/2023 at 1:08 PM, hungry_hole said:

The question assumes that being "top" and being "versatile" are "fixed identities", when I they are neither fixed nor identities.

I had a friend who was a bottom and he liked young guys who were into topping. He began a relationship with a 20 yr-old very cute guy who was a top, but a few months later he came out to my friend as a bottom.

Being a bottom or being versatile is a way of expressing needs, sucking cocks, getting fucked, taking loads or also getting cock sucked and fucking holes. Most guys start more as tops because bottoming requires guys' intrusion.

In general, I would agree, but I think the OP's situation is a little different.

For starters, I find very few people who identify as "versatile" who later go on to be exclusive tops, although I do know of a number who've gone on to become exclusive bottoms. It may happen, but in my experience there are plenty of versatile men who only top because they have to, sometimes, in order to get laid. With the plethora of bottoms there aren't that many versatile men who "have" to bottom because they can't find anyone who will bottom for them.

But the OP specifically is already effectively (by his own making) an exclusive bottom - because he wants to be monogamous and his partner is exclusively top. Given that he clearly also wants to top on occasion, I think it's a safe bet he's going to continue to identify as "versatile" - he doesn't seem likely to be happy becoming a bottom.

Also, while identities can and do change over a sexual lifetime, the partner is 38 and still identifies as an exclusive top. The chances of him, at this age, suddenly discovering he really likes to bottom don't seem that high to me, especially when he's got an eager partner wanting to show him what he's missing. If he's passing up that already now, imagine how set he'll be in his ways when he's 50.

[drscorpio]

It's never a good idea to go into a relationship expecting the other person to change something fundamental about themselves. Although I acknowledge the point above about top not necessarily being something that has to last forever, the guy has told you he has tried being versatile for a partner before and it didn't work. 

Do you know the concept of "the price of admission"? This man has told you his price of admission is you will always bottom. Further, he doesn't mind you going elsewhere to work off your top energy. Now, you have to decide if that is a price you are willing to pay to be with him. 

Sometimes people who are otherwise very compatible have a single unreconcilable difference. It just means you aren't meant to be with this guy long term. It isn't a failing on your or his part. 

[FunCheerSlut]

On 1/14/2023 at 10:50 AM, BootmanLA said:

Oh lord, where to start.

My sentiments exactly. Is it possible to discard labels and boxes and to find and love someone for who they are? In my experience it is having open and honest communication that will help any relationship withstand the test of time. People change, circumstances change, but if you go into a relationship expecting a specific type of change you will most certainly be let down and disappointed.

Work on developing an honest and sincere rapport where you have no secrets and keep no secrets from one another. This makes honest dialogue possible if not easier. If you can do that - then the guy is a keeper.

[barebackbro]

Hi @robertt8709.

I'm sorry about this difficult situation. You've been given some very good advice.

The only thing I would add relates to this sentence:

On 1/14/2023 at 8:30 AM, robertt8709 said:

He said he wouldn't mind opening up the relationship or doing a threesome, but I don't like that idea, as I'm monogamous, and I'm super uncomfortable with the idea of getting involved with someone else while i'm in a serious relationship.

To me, this suggests he would like an open relationship, even if he proposed it more tentatively. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if you insist on monogamy, I would think there is a high probability that a guy in his situation would cheat.

I'm not saying this to upset you, but rather to explain what I think will happen. Of course, others may disagree ...

[yunghungtop]

I'm a total top married to a vers/bottom. The only way it works for us is open relationship. 

It also feeds into my natural top's desire to spread my dna and seed random hole. When he wants to top, we find a bottom to breed together. 

Honestly the only tension that's come up lately is when he started hooking up with this "condoms only" guy and I was like uh, no. Not in my house. This is a bareback household.