So.. I told my brother about me

[Omnivac]

I have an  older brother (32) that I really love. He was always supportive and caring. But there was always a shadow between us. My proclivity towards males. I never felt he would be cool with that. He's not the guy that he would call gays as fagots. It felt as if he was ignorant of their existence. So I don't think he has ever formed an opinion about gays because no gay person has ever "annoyed" him, as if they were creatures of another galaxy. From that perspective he wouldn't possibly assume that I'm gay because it just can't be real. He calls me gay at times but he doesn't mean that I fuck with men. Gay, in his mind, is a generic word used for males implying lack of courage or to describe a choice (that shirt is gay).

But he was insisting on asking me why I don't have a gf. So I said you know what? I have a friend, it's just a b-friend not a g-friend. He was  shocked. He kept on  asking me the most ridiculous  questions. I  can't  understand how an educated person who has a bachelor and a MSc can be so  ignorant about such things. He even asked me how two guys can have sex and how can I find a guy attractive. I don't wanna call him an idiot bcz I understand that it came out of the blue but still. He's not mad at me.. just confused.

What also troubles me is that he has changed. We used to be too close. A (stupid) part of me believed that deep down he knew. He would kiss me every day, he would hug me, we could even watch netflix on his bed or sleep together. There were times that I thought despite him  being my brother, I shouldn't be that close. I justified all these by believing that he likes to "protect" me and somehow in his eyes I'm more of a boy than a man and that him knowing that I'm gay made him act like that. What can I do now?

[viking8x6]

Well, it's a "teachable moment"... though in his case, it sounds more like a "teachable month/year".

It is truly baffling how anyone exposed to Western media over the last 30 years could be so ignorant as to have the impression that gay people are rare or exotic. But people can be really absorbed in their own stories of the world, and not pay much attention to all the things around them unless they come knocking on the door. And now, for him, gay people have - indeed, you were already in the house and he just didn't know it.

I absolutely don't think there's anything wrong with being as close as you were with him. I hug all of my birth family, though we don't tend to kiss much, and am comfortable sitting close, touching them and even exchanging massages. There's nothing sexual about it, just family.

As for what you can do now, I'd say do your best to behave normally and treat him with love and kindness as you did before. If he does things that hurt your feelings, let him know that they do; he needs to learn that it's not OK to treat you badly just because of that part of you. Now that you're out to him, don't avoid mentioning "gay stuff" (like your BF), but don't go out of your way to talk about it either. Keep it light, it's a normal thing and that's exactly the main lesson he needs to learn. You are his brother, and you are a perfectly normal gay man, and there's nothing about your relationship that needs to change because of that. People do this all the time, and they have for thousands of years.

[Omnivac]

22 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

It is truly baffling how anyone exposed to Western media over the last 30 years could be so ignorant

I really need someone to explain me how is this possible. He even asked me how is sex possible and I told him to watch some porn. He's a very smart guy, but about this topic his brain got offline or something

 

22 hours ago, viking8x6 said:

If he does things that hurt your feelings, let him know that they do; he needs to learn that it's not OK to treat you badly just because of that part of you. Now that you're out to him, don't avoid mentioning "gay stuff" (like your BF), but don't go out of your way to talk about it either. Keep it light, it's a normal thing and that's exactly the main lesson he needs to learn. You are his brother, and you are a perfectly normal gay man, and there's nothing about your relationship that needs to change because of that. People do this all the time, and they have for thousands of years.

He worries. He thinks I'm in danger or that I'm tricked/fool/bewitched or whichever other word you may seem fitting. When my bf comes home (he knows him but thought of him as a friend of mine) he just looks with the corner of his eye. He thinks that a joke maybe. He's not rude or aggressive. He's confused.

[evilqueerpig]

I doubt it's ignorance.  Maybe he's questioning his own sexuality and feigning indifference for your sake.

[badjujuboy]

1 hour ago, evilqueerpig said:

I doubt it's ignorance.

This I would agree with. I would think he’s dealing with the knowledge that the “truth” he knew was not what is, in fact, reality. He is processing that and may be trying to rationalize things by coming up with irrational and ignorant statements. Continue to be the same person you were before… you haven’t change by simply coming out… his world has changed and he needs to deal with it. I hope your relationship with him survives this. 

[Omnivac]

18 hours ago, evilqueerpig said:

I doubt it's ignorance.  Maybe he's questioning his own sexuality and feigning indifference for your sake.

I hadn't thought of that. From when I was little I started to feel attraction towards males. Even before knowing what sex is, something pulled me towards boys. That said, I find it difficult to understand how someone would not know whether he was gay. On the other hand it makes sense. Haven't we all met guys who "discovered" that in the late 30s?

 

16 hours ago, badjujuboy said:

e is processing that and may be trying to rationalize things by coming up with irrational and ignorant statements. Continue to be the same person you were before… you haven’t change by simply coming out… his world has changed and he needs to deal with it. I hope your relationship with him survives this. 

I am the same person and maybe he is too. It's just that I never knew that part of his. I don't push my lack though, I won't kiss (yet) in front of him but I think he tries to cope. I found by luck (I was passing behind him) reading an article about how gays are born.

[Loveitraw]

It's a tough situation. Especially with close family and the thought that this kind of disclosure will make people treat you differently is exactly why so many, even now, remain closeted.

Never underestimate the ability some people have to use a shield of (wilful) ignorance. Some truths are too big for some people to process, and when its close to home it can be harder still, so rather than deal its easier to pretend its not happening (or just a phase).

I wish there were some easy answers but the history of being gay is not exactly one of easy acceptance. I can only hope you find a resolution.

[ErosWired]

On 1/28/2023 at 10:29 AM, Loveitraw said:

Never underestimate the ability some people have to use a shield of (wilful) ignorance.

On 1/27/2023 at 3:38 PM, evilqueerpig said:

I doubt it's ignorance.  Maybe he's questioning his own sexuality and feigning indifference for your sake.

Both of these ^. It strains credulty that he’s 30 and clueless about the existence and nature of homosexuality, and this is coming from me, who was clueless in the way you describe until I got to college.

It is possible that, as you say, he simply ignored it because it didn’t intersect his life directly, and your admission was the first time he ever needed to consider it. But his questioning suggests something more.

You describe a physical closeness (platonic) that you have always shared with your brother. Unlike many here, you (refreshingly) don’t sexualize or fantasize the situation, and even speculate that you were ‘too close’. That’s an interesting observation that you might elaborate upon. It suggests a level of unease on your part, but you don’t claim ti have had an attraction to him, so what was the source of the unease? Is it possible you were picking up on some aspect of his ostensibly straight behavior that didn’t add up?

 Let’s assume for a moment that your revelation has caused him to examine the nature of male/male attraction for the first time. This new consciousness might have caused him to identify feelings he himself has that up to now he had no framework to understand or acknowledge. If he had ever felt a tingle of attraction to another male in the past, he might have followed an internal logic that said, Do I feel something about a guy? Well, guys aren’t attracted to guys, and I’m a guy, therefore I must not be feeling anything, and dismissed the sensation. Him having a girlfriend is not proof of anything; many a gay or bi guy has ended up with a girlfriend because it’s the social default.

I’m speculating, of course. But as an example, I did not learn that I’m Autistic until my mid-30s. I had always wondered why I wasn’t like other people around me, but it never occurred to me to think I wasn’t just an average person. When I learned that Autism might be a possibility, I suddenly started looking at everything about myself from a new perspective, and asking a lot of basic questions, because suddenly a lot of things started to make a lot of sense.

Given that sexual preference is a spectrum, he might well be straight, but have experienced a moment of same-sex attraction a time or two, and is now examining those anomalous feelings with you as a template - you are close brothers after all.

Or, he could be very, very deeply closeted in denial, and your admission may have let enough light into that closed closet to let him take a look at himself.

Regardless, you are concerned about what to do now that his behavior has shifted. I come from a hugging, kissing family and if you stop hugging and kissing someone, it is obvious that there’s an issue. I would advise you to behave as usual, and hug and kiss him as though nothing has changed at all. He may return to former practice simply out of long habit. This will also do two things: It will make it clear that your homosexuality hasn’t changed you, that you are still the same regular person he has always known, and he doesn’t have to treat you diffetently; and it will reassure him that any feelings he is questioning in himself are acceptable because you provide a positive example.

Allow him time to process it all. Since he hasn’t reacted with hostility or rejection at this point, I would say the prospects are good that he will ultimately settle into acceptance. If it affects his self-perception is his own matter, but if so your support will be important.

[Omnivac]

I think your comment is really giving me food for thought

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

You describe a physical closeness (platonic) that you have always shared with your brother. Unlike many here, you (refreshingly) don’t sexualize or fantasize the situation, and even speculate that you were ‘too close’. That’s an interesting observation that you might elaborate upon. It suggests a level of unease on your part, but you don’t claim ti have had an attraction to him, so what was the source of the unease? Is it possible you were picking up on some aspect of his ostensibly straight behavior that didn’t add up?

I liked the use of "refreshingly". I don't feel a (sexual) attraction towards him. I think that we're too close physically. I know the scent of his skin. I felt guilty at times because I like guys and I get close to him. Would he get that close if he had a sister? I consider him a part of myself. We look very similar. We were used to get asked if we are twins all the time (he's older than me). I see him as something very precious. I don't put the element of lust in this, I just love him. Sometimes I'm ashamed of that. For instance, I know he expects me to kiss him for goodbye, but I won't in front of others. Somehow I need to touch him when we're in the same place. When it comes to that and the "straight behavior" I'm not sure. I always thought he considered me to be weak. Not in a bad sense. He was my older brother he had to protect me. So that pulled aside everything else.

 

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Given that sexual preference is a spectrum, he might well be straight, but have experienced a moment of same-sex attraction a time or two, and is now examining those anomalous feelings with you as a template - you are close brothers after all.

Or, he could be very, very deeply closeted in denial, and your admission may have let enough light into that closed closet to let him take a look at himself.

I think that he likes simple things. His mind is made so that he likes it that way. All these shades of sexuality are far too colorful for his black and white vision. Guys like Girls and Girls like Guys, that's the rule of the game.

 

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Regardless, you are concerned about what to do now that his behavior has shifted. I come from a hugging, kissing family and if you stop hugging and kissing someone, it is obvious that there’s an issue. I would advise you to behave as usual, and hug and kiss him as though nothing has changed at all. He may return to former practice simply out of long habit. This will also do two things: It will make it clear that your homosexuality hasn’t changed you, that you are still the same regular person he has always known, and he doesn’t have to treat you diffetently; and it will reassure him that any feelings he is questioning in himself are acceptable because you provide a positive example.

He is as confused as it gets. We have some small fights but maybe I'm winning? I'm scratching the walls of denial in his head. I have reasonable arguments to fight his ignorance. For now, he's having flashbacks. I know what he feels, he knows what I feel. We don't need to talk. It's as if we're waiting for things to reset somehow. I'm scared t try to kiss him again. When he leaves he just stares at me.

[ErosWired]

7 hours ago, Omnivac said:

I consider him a part of myself. We look very similar. We were used to get asked if we are twins all the time (he's older than me). I see him as something very precious. I don't put the element of lust in this, I just love him. Sometimes I'm ashamed of that. For instance, I know he expects me to kiss him for goodbye, but I won't in front of others. Somehow I need to touch him when we're in the same place.

I understand. There’s a time and a place for displays of affection, especially those that others might misconstrue or misunderstand. I kiss both my brother and father on their cheeks, but in a public or amongst mixed company who might not know our family relationship, the sight of two men exchanging kisses might raise eyebrows. There are other cultures where such expressions are the norm even among unrelated persons - Argentina, southern Italy, parts of the Balkans - where they would think nothing of it.

It’s unclear whether you mean you’re ashamed of your feelings about your brother, or simply ashamed to express them publicly. Because you’re gay, do you feel ashamed that you have loving feelings toward your brother, and physical contact, even though those feelings are not sexual in nature? You need not feel that there’s anything wrong in cherishing your brother and your relationship to him. It’s something that has developed organically and naturally over the course of your lives. Like you, my brother is precious to me, and that will never change.

You say you don’t need to talk, that each of you knows what the other feels, but if that were so we would not be having this conversation. Clearly, you don’t know what he’s feeling and thinking, and that causes you distress. He may also be uncertain what you’re thinking, because he’s just been confronted with a new perspective on you that may make him question his assumptions about what you feel. At some point, you may need to simply ask him if he’s troubled by what you’ve told him, and use the opportunity to speak about it.

[Omnivac]

15 hours ago, ErosWired said:

It’s unclear whether you mean you’re ashamed of your feelings about your brother, or simply ashamed to express them publicly. Because you’re gay, do you feel ashamed that you have loving feelings toward your brother, and physical contact, even though those feelings are not sexual in nature?

I'm shy to express them in public. I know many siblings who aren't like us. They barely talk when they reach adulthood and we still act like kids. Yes my feelings are not sexual but still. I was glad that I could love him like that because it means that I can be friends with a guy without my "gay side" meddling. It's just that people like to judge. If I kiss him I have to be gay, if we sleep together we're [banned word] or something etc etc.

15 hours ago, ErosWired said:

You say you don’t need to talk, that each of you knows what the other feels,

He doesn't know how he feels that's the problem. I told him that it hurts me that we're like that. He said that he feels awful but he still loves me.