Devling into the gay world

[Flared]

I need some thoughts about this. Or just to share your experience. Currently I have a bf. I believe it is safe to say I'm in love with that guy. If you remember from a previous post I have few sexual experience. My bf (24m) has a lesbian friend and she has a bunch of LGBTQ people that they are friends. They are not really his friends, but because she's the "link" they hung around every now and then. However, I can't stand any of them. They have a particular affinity for gay places which tends to be annoying. I am gay and this may sound weird but they overexpose me to LGBTQ content. Like, I get that you're gays but can't you be something more than a person defined by that? They do LGBTQ poetry, they go to LGBTQ places, events, stories on IG are similar. I'm just tired.

His lesbian friend is annoying. She always tells me to get out of the closet. But it annoys me the way she insists. She thinks that because she came out, everyone should. But she's ignorant of the fact that based on her looks, she needs no telling. She looks like a boy. She also has a thing with toxic masculinity. Based on her mind, I think that toxic masculinity is anyone who isn't a gay girl-looking guy. The rest of us are toxic. Why does she loathe something that she craves so deep to be?

The second annoying part is her gay bear friend. He has studied english literature and he holds a phd in LGBTQ literature. He's too snobbish. Sometimes I feel he's into me but at the same time he considers me as someone who is inferior. He doesn't like that I'm not from a big city, but he's blissfully ignorant of the history of my island. I suppose anything that isn't big and is not a queer center is not important.

I try to be kind to both of them. I've read that people like me (who are not used to lbgtq) can be somewhat homophobic. I try to think all that as the means of overcoming it. But I don't like them.

One last thing

He says that my english sucks. I don't believe it. I've watched so many series, I've read books, played games etc. From what I've written so far, could you tell me your thoughts on that? Native speakers would be the best judges of that.

 

Thank you for your time to read this

[BootmanLA]

10 hours ago, Flared said:

I need some thoughts about this. Or just to share your experience. Currently I have a bf. I believe it is safe to say I'm in love with that guy. If you remember from a previous post I have few sexual experience. My bf (24m) has a lesbian friend and she has a bunch of LGBTQ people that they are friends. They are not really his friends, but because she's the "link" they hung around every now and then. However, I can't stand any of them. They have a particular affinity for gay places which tends to be annoying. I am gay and this may sound weird but they overexpose me to LGBTQ content. Like, I get that you're gays but can't you be something more than a person defined by that? They do LGBTQ poetry, they go to LGBTQ places, events, stories on IG are similar. I'm just tired.

His lesbian friend is annoying. She always tells me to get out of the closet. But it annoys me the way she insists. She thinks that because she came out, everyone should. But she's ignorant of the fact that based on her looks, she needs no telling. She looks like a boy. She also has a thing with toxic masculinity. Based on her mind, I think that toxic masculinity is anyone who isn't a gay girl-looking guy. The rest of us are toxic. Why does she loathe something that she craves so deep to be?

The second annoying part is her gay bear friend. He has studied english literature and he holds a phd in LGBTQ literature. He's too snobbish. Sometimes I feel he's into me but at the same time he considers me as someone who is inferior. He doesn't like that I'm not from a big city, but he's blissfully ignorant of the history of my island. I suppose anything that isn't big and is not a queer center is not important.

I try to be kind to both of them. I've read that people like me (who are not used to lbgtq) can be somewhat homophobic. I try to think all that as the means of overcoming it. But I don't like them.

One last thing

He says that my english sucks. I don't believe it. I've watched so many series, I've read books, played games etc. From what I've written so far, could you tell me your thoughts on that? Native speakers would be the best judges of that.

 

Thank you for your time to read this

OK, a lot of things to unpack here.

First: you say that they "overexpose" you to LGBTQ content. How much exposure is "overexposure"? Have you considered that the 90% of the time you're NOT with them is spent in heterosexually-dominated realms, and they're just happy that, for a few hours a week or whatever, they can escape to a place where LGBTQ people are the norm, not the exception?

You hint, without saying it, that you're still closeted. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but there's a lot of correlation, in a lot of people, between "being closeted" and "being annoyed by openly gay people". Assuming you are, in fact, closeted, why? Is being gay something you're ashamed of? Is it something looked down on in your (native) culture, and you've internalized those feelings about yourself?

Because it bears remembering that straight people are very out - straight couples hold hands, talk about their weddings, hold engagement events in public, show off the kids they're having (which pretty much, generally, confirms they're sexually active heterosexually). Spouses are routinely invited to attend work events. Straight people rub their straightness in the face of their gay friends and coworkers, even the ones they don't know are gay, every single day. But you seem to be treading carefully about even slightly doing what the straights all do.

That said, you don't have to like anyone. But it helps if you understand WHY you don't like someone. If you don't like them because they're loud and obnoxious when they're drunk, that's one thing. If you don't like them because they're out and proud, that says a lot more about YOU than it does about them. And I'm not going to say you're homophobic, but we recognize a thing called "internalized homophobia", which is where gay people who've heard negative messages about gays all their lives see it as something to be hidden, and shameful, and look down on those who aren't burdened with that upbringing.

I'll also note that you're confused about what "toxic masculinity" is. It has ZERO to do with a lesbian who appears butch. Toxic masculinity is when a man feels his identity as a man is so central to his being that he's offended by anything that might call that masculinity into question. The toxically masculine man sneers at any but the most basic fashions because it's "gay" to wear nicer or more stylish clothes. The toxically masculine man hates when anyone suggests he might be gay because he thinks if they can tell, he's failing as a man. The toxically masculine man derides things like drag shows and gay poetry readings because "real men" don't do that sort of thing. And so on. I can't say whether that's true for you or not, but it sounds like there's a possibility it might be. Worth exploring.

As for the gay bear friend: based only on your description, I'd say he might be something of a snob. But I haven't met him, so I can't say that for certain. I question, though, whether he might be reacting to something you've said - denigrating gay life in a big city, for instance. Or maybe he IS just a snob. That's something you might be able to figure out once you have a better grasp of what it means to be gay yourself.

Finally, your written English here is pretty good. It's a little formal, in a way that tells me that it may not be your native tongue, but it's certainly not horrible. But written and spoken languages can have different levels of competence. I can read and write three languages besides English, at least for the rudimentary figuring things out, and I've got the skills to figure out the rest when it's more complex. But speaking? I can stumble along moderately in one, very (VERY!) poorly in the second, and essentially not at all in the third. So it may be - I can't know for sure - that you need more practice with your spoken language skills. It's rude of him to say it, regardless. But if you're as dismissive of gay issues with him as you were in this post, I can see why he might have no real interest in helping you improve your skills.

One last thought: it sounds like you're in a foreign country. There's a saying in English: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". Being proud of where you're from is fine - seriously - but if you're dismissive of your current location the way you're dismissive of the gay world in it, I can understand why you're rubbing people the wrong way. 

[BlackDude]

On 11/5/2023 at 3:05 AM, Flared said:

I need some thoughts about this. Or just to share your experience. Currently I have a bf. I believe it is safe to say I'm in love with that guy. If you remember from a previous post I have few sexual experience. My bf (24m) has a lesbian friend and she has a bunch of LGBTQ people that they are friends. They are not really his friends, but because she's the "link" they hung around every now and then. However, I can't stand any of them. They have a particular affinity for gay places which tends to be annoying. I am gay and this may sound weird but they overexpose me to LGBTQ content. Like, I get that you're gays but can't you be something more than a person defined by that? They do LGBTQ poetry, they go to LGBTQ places, events, stories on IG are similar. I'm just tired.

His lesbian friend is annoying. She always tells me to get out of the closet. But it annoys me the way she insists. She thinks that because she came out, everyone should. But she's ignorant of the fact that based on her looks, she needs no telling. She looks like a boy. She also has a thing with toxic masculinity. Based on her mind, I think that toxic masculinity is anyone who isn't a gay girl-looking guy. The rest of us are toxic. Why does she loathe something that she craves so deep to be?

The second annoying part is her gay bear friend. He has studied english literature and he holds a phd in LGBTQ literature. He's too snobbish. Sometimes I feel he's into me but at the same time he considers me as someone who is inferior. He doesn't like that I'm not from a big city, but he's blissfully ignorant of the history of my island. I suppose anything that isn't big and is not a queer center is not important.

I try to be kind to both of them. I've read that people like me (who are not used to lbgtq) can be somewhat homophobic. I try to think all that as the means of overcoming it. But I don't like them.

One last thing

He says that my english sucks. I don't believe it. I've watched so many series, I've read books, played games etc. From what I've written so far, could you tell me your thoughts on that? Native speakers would be the best judges of that.

 

Thank you for your time to read this

My unpopular advice is do you and follow your instincts. You will thank yourself later. There is no need to throw yourself headwind into the “gay community” if you don’t want to. I agree, being gay doesn’t have to be an entire lifestyle choice if you don’t want it to be. It’s just sex.

 

And ignore the lesbian. She’s not a man nor is she into men, therefore she has not clue on the expectations of masculinity or can make a judgment on it. 

[ErosWired]

On 11/5/2023 at 5:05 AM, Flared said:

I need some thoughts about this. Or just to share your experience. Currently I have a bf. I believe it is safe to say I'm in love with that guy. If you remember from a previous post I have few sexual experience. My bf (24m) has a lesbian friend and she has a bunch of LGBTQ people that they are friends. They are not really his friends, but because she's the "link" they hung around every now and then. However, I can't stand any of them. They have a particular affinity for gay places which tends to be annoying. I am gay and this may sound weird but they overexpose me to LGBTQ content. Like, I get that you're gays but can't you be something more than a person defined by that? They do LGBTQ poetry, they go to LGBTQ places, events, stories on IG are similar. I'm just tired.

His lesbian friend is annoying. She always tells me to get out of the closet. But it annoys me the way she insists. She thinks that because she came out, everyone should. But she's ignorant of the fact that based on her looks, she needs no telling. She looks like a boy. She also has a thing with toxic masculinity. Based on her mind, I think that toxic masculinity is anyone who isn't a gay girl-looking guy. The rest of us are toxic. Why does she loathe something that she craves so deep to be?

The second annoying part is her gay bear friend. He has studied english literature and he holds a phd in LGBTQ literature. He's too snobbish. Sometimes I feel he's into me but at the same time he considers me as someone who is inferior. He doesn't like that I'm not from a big city, but he's blissfully ignorant of the history of my island. I suppose anything that isn't big and is not a queer center is not important.

I try to be kind to both of them. I've read that people like me (who are not used to lbgtq) can be somewhat homophobic. I try to think all that as the means of overcoming it. But I don't like them.

One last thing

He says that my english sucks. I don't believe it. I've watched so many series, I've read books, played games etc. From what I've written so far, could you tell me your thoughts on that? Native speakers would be the best judges of that.

 

Thank you for your time to read this

With regard to whether I’m gay, bi or whatever, I’ve always said that I hope my sexual orientation is the least interesting thing about me.

As to the bear friend - 🙄 - Having a PhD in LGBTQ+ English Literature is like having an MD specializing in toenail fungus: Useful in a very specific set of circumstances, but otherwise beside the point.

I was a candidate for graduating with Distinction in my undergraduate English Literature degree. All I had to do was get an A in the qualifying class. The professor teaching it - whose lecture style was in itself a refined form of torture that would have put Torquemada to shame - insisted, however, that we dissect Henry James’ The Figure In The Carpet to derive the homosexual subtext in it. I couldn’t see it. The irony, of course, is that the narrator in James’ story is obsessed with finding the hidden meaning in an author’s work, and if I had been then as jaded and cheeky as I am now I would have just titled my paper “The Figure In The Carpet - The Biography of Professor _____”. The result would have been the same. I dropped the course and gave up on the honor rather than pretend to find his imaginary gay subtext. (In fact, only one student out of the ten or so of us nominated for Distinction survived his class.)

And yes, the bear is a fucking snob. No one speaks ‘perfect’ English because no one can - English is a gloriously malleable language, and anyone who claims to know the way it is is a moron. I imagine Mr. Bear can take a cock, because it sounds like he walks around with a huge stick up his ass.

Edited November 9, 2023 by ErosWired

[NWUSHorny]

I can feel for you, I love having sex with other men, but could really care less about being part of the LGBTQ+ "lifestyle". I can also see where adding in the snob factor from someone who is proud of his PhD in LGBTQ+ English Literature could be amplify that effect. We all have to navigate this on our own terms, and many of us while not in denial about our sexuality, it is not the only thing we are.

[Close2MyBro]

The most important thing to ask yourself is "why do I care what others think?". If you can start to live your life on your terms you'll be a lot happier. Some people will be there for you and support you, some will not. Those who can't accept you as you are don't have a place in your life.

I don't care what "the community" thinks about me, nor do I care to advance their "agenda". I live my life on my terms. Living your life to please others is no way to live your life.

[Guest]

I see a Top and enjoy the things he does to me, we don’t go out and flaunt it all, I also don’t announce to the world that that’s what I’m doing, I just do it and see what happens, in a neutral sort of way. I think whatever feels comfortable you should do.