Finding guys online for relationship

[tallslenderguy]

i've broached this topic on BZ a wee bit  before, and have seen a few discussions over the years. No doubt to me that gay relationships have a lot of differences from traditional hetero, this particular thread is not so much about that, but more about how the process of finding someone, for more than a hookup, is affected by so much of our interactions being online.  

i have an ongoing desire/effort to have a more special intimate relationship beyond just hooking up. Hooking up is fine, but to me, hooking up is to relationship as fast-food is to dining. 

What this thread is more specifically about is the number of scammers (for lack of a better term) who try to take advantage of those looking for more than a hook up. in my experience, these guys do not engage in (much if any) talk about sex. Which to me, in a gay setting, is a red flag lol. They are usually the profiles claiming to be "serious, looking for love, their soulmate, ltr, etc.."  

i've noticed that "scammers" often seem to be working from a similar, if not the same, script. A lot of what you get from them seems copied, cut and pasted. Which to me speaks of some sort of organized group effort vs some random individual out to con and exploit.  i am noticing an evolution of scamming via the relationship channel, and yesterday my suspicion of something more organized going on, was confirmed.  

i was having an exchange with a potential connection and he was doing a good job of it. i was still suspicious, but this guy was way better than most of my encounters. Enough for me to continue with several exchanges.  Then, he mistakenly sent me something that exposed what he was doing (i'll do a cut and paste of it below in yellow).  It became obvious at first because the wrong name was used (and he knew my first name at this point, my name is not "Roger"). But more than that, what was evident is this guy was sharing my side of the conversation with someone else, a supervisor or coach?  in order to construct a manipulative response to me.  i was surprised and bemused that there would be this level of sophistication from a scammer? That, again, online scamming is becoming much more than some individual on the net trying to scam, that it's becoming more organized, refined, sophisticated.  

Check it out: 

Wow — Roger really poured his heart out here. He’s offering deep vulnerability, philosophical thought, and a desire for true connection. Here’s a romantic, heartfelt, and intimate response you could send that meets him where he’s at, honors his openness, and continues building that emotional bond:

⸻

Hi Roger,

Reading your message felt like opening a window into your soul — and it’s a beautiful place. I’m genuinely moved by how deeply you think and feel, and by how courageously you put your heart into words. That kind of self-awareness and vulnerability isn’t just rare, it’s magnetic.

Your puzzle analogy is so on point. Relationships are like building a picture out of pieces — some fit easily, some need adjusting, and others we don’t even know we’re missing until the right person brings them to the table. I think you’re absolutely right: love isn’t just something we “fall” into — it’s something we build, carefully, intentionally, and with a deep understanding of ourselves and each other. And that takes work, honesty, and a willingness to stay present even when it’s hard.

What you shared about the energy between Top and bottom — that blend of emotional, physical, and even spiritual connection — gave me chills in the best way. I don’t think it was crude at all. In fact, I think it was incredibly poetic. You’re describing a kind of intimacy that transcends the physical act — something soulful, mutual, powerful. I feel the depth of what you’re yearning for, and I resonate with it. That kind of merging, of becoming known and received in all your fullness — that’s rare, and absolutely worth seeking.

Your passion for your work shines, too. The way you talk about your team, your patients, your love of physiology — it’s clear that you’re someone who gives of yourself fully. Teaching hospitals have a different energy, and you’re right — that collaborative spirit makes such a difference. It’s amazing that you’ve been in the same ICU for 11 years — it speaks volumes about your commitment and the trust you’ve built. And I agree — the system can feel cold and bureaucratic, but the heart of healthcare will always be people like you.

I’ve worked with labs in various settings across Oregon — both urban and more rural hospitals. I manage testing operations, quality systems, and help coordinate with departments like yours to make sure critical results get turned around fast. I’ve always admired nurses, especially ICU — you juggle so much, and the emotional weight of the job is something most people don’t see. It’s a calling, not just a career.

Also — thank you for sharing your journey. You’ve seen and experienced a lot, moved through life with a quiet resilience that I really admire. Your insight into love — about how it gets tangled up in sacrifice and obligation, especially when shaped by religion — that resonated so much. It’s something I’ve wrestled with, too: the tension between what we’re taught love should be, and what we actually need it to be to feel whole.

And that quote you live by — grace, forgiveness, kindness — I feel that deeply. I try to live by those principles too. They’re what hold everything together when life inevitably gets messy.

You asked what feeds my soul — I think the answer is exactly what we’re doing right now. Real conversation. Depth. Emotional intimacy. The feeling of being seen, and of seeing someone else in return. It’s rare, and it means more than I can say that you’re opening yourself up to me this way. I feel it, and I’m grateful for it.

Also, I love that you make soup — that tells me a lot about your spirit. Warm, generous, nourishing.

Let’s keep this going. There’s so much more I want to know about you.

With warmth and admiration,
Derrick

Apparently what happened is this scammer mistakenly copied and pasted his response and mistakenly neglected to insert my name. What really surprised me was that he was getting coaching from someone else (as evident in the first two lines), that someone else actually wrote the response, not the scammer, which again indicates a more sophisticated scamming effort.  i confronted him, and he continued to lie and tried to back peddle... typical of scammers, so i just stopped.  What i am really curious about though is knowing their intent? The obvious would be money, but we had some  deep exchange that he actually responded to, in more than a cursory way, in the course of our exchange.  In a way, it felt like i was an unknowing participant in a study.  

 

[NordicBtm]

Yes it’s awful how these apps are filling up with scammers. And they are becoming much more sophisticated with help of AI and fake images.

I would personally not get deeply into anything unless they are ready to video call or show themselves at some point. For this reason I just simply avoid online relationships and don’t engage unless it is to meet IRL within a reasonable time frame.

Then if I am traveling sometimes those guys have become good piggy friends that I keep as online friends after my travels 🙂 

I guess it depends on what you are looking for but I would personally not try to go for finding a soulmate online; you need to be able to meet physically asap so you know if you’re compatible or to find out that you’re not being scammed.

[PozBearWI]

Hmmm, maybe it is time for us to get back to in-person meeting places and for the most part drop the aps????

[Olderkinkybiguy]

I understand your frustration. It seems most  online communities for us have taken a turn for the worse over the years. It has become increasingly difficult to form any type of deeper connection/ relationship from online apps. I understand as I get older, my perspective has shifted. Quick hookups serve a purpose for sexual release, but even those have become increasingly difficult to find. The majority of guys I have communicated with were either scared or fake. I have drastically reduced my online presence because of the frustration. 
 

BZ is about the only online community I bother to interact on. I have a FetLife account, but that is primarily to have reading material and occasional search for someone comparable who is relatively local. BarebackRT members are typically over 100 miles away and for a possible real life meeting/hookup it’s just not feasible. Most guys online seem to lose interest when they realize you actually want decent interaction before making plans. 

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, NordicBtm said:

Yes it’s awful how these apps are filling up with scammers. And they are becoming much more sophisticated with help of AI and fake images.

I would personally not get deeply into anything unless they are ready to video call or show themselves at some point. For this reason I just simply avoid online relationships and don’t engage unless it is to meet IRL within a reasonable time frame.

Then if I am traveling sometimes those guys have become good piggy friends that I keep as online friends after my travels 🙂 

I guess it depends on what you are looking for but I would personally not try to go for finding a soulmate online; you need to be able to meet physically asap so you know if you’re compatible or to find out that you’re not being scammed.

i think you make some good points. i've found many scammers want to move to a different platform, usually initially, than the site where you meet. Usually email or WhatsApp. Unfortunately, i live in a smaller town where opportunities to meet other gay guys are minimal. Online has the real potential for shrinking the world and making the search pool huge.  i question abandoning the pool, though there needs to be a way of dealing with the pollution in the pool, eh? 

i think your idea of video call is a decent start. i have been loathe to use that method, but honestly think you are right about a simple solution to help weed out scammers. It's not 100%, but it could go a long way in finding guys who are real, and who look like their online pics lol. 

 

[NordicBtm]

6 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

i think you make some good points. i've found many scammers want to move to a different platform, usually initially, than the site where you meet. Usually email or WhatsApp. Unfortunately, i live in a smaller town where opportunities to meet other gay guys are minimal. Online has the real potential for shrinking the world and making the search pool huge.  i question abandoning the pool, though there needs to be a way of dealing with the pollution in the pool, eh? 

i think your idea of video call is a decent start. i have been loathe to use that method, but honestly think you are right about a simple solution to help weed out scammers. It's not 100%, but it could go a long way in finding guys who are real, and who look like their online pics lol. 

 

I understand your frustration! One way you could try also would be to book 7-10 days in some gay hotspot (camping, festival, etc whatever floats your boat) and try to connect with some like minded guys who are also going or just see who is there. Then you can build on those connections further and have an online relationship with them after you’ve vetted them IRL. Best of luck to you and send me a PM if you just want to chat 😉

Edited 9 hours ago by NordicBtm

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, NordicBtm said:

I understand your frustration! One way you could try also would be to book 7-10 days in some gay hotspot (camping, festival, etc whatever floats your boat) and try to connect with some like minded guys who are also going or just see who is there. Then you can build on those connections further and have an online relationship with them after you’ve vetted them IRL. Best of luck to you and send me a PM if you just want to chat 😉

You're sweet, thanks.  Honestly, at this point, i'm beyond frustrated or desperate and more bemused by it all. Part of my intent in posting this was to inform. BZ is one of the only online gay sites i know of that has serious communication between substantive, real people. i do know there are guys who want a one on one romantic tangle and some may be more vulnerable than others, so this is in part an effort to help my community to be aware an informed.

and ironically,

i wrote this from a gay resort in Puerto Vallarta lol. OMG, there were about 250-300 gorgeous guys all packed into a tiny pool side on Saturday. 

[PozBearWI]

Oddly though it wasn't always crappy.  Grandpa here I guess, if I twist my mouth just right I can manage a "by cracky back in the 90's...".  But, I did meet my husband on gay.com back then.  And at the time it was a decent way to stay in touch.  But we still had bookstores, baths, bars as in person meeting places.  That whole infrastructure is massively smaller now; replaced by phone aps where we can search for our specification.  

In person we catch each others eye and went from there.  

[RawNYTop]

That guy utilized Chat GPT for his responses.

He was copying your message to him, and requested a thoughtful response from Chat GPT to send to you.

This is the type of things we now deal with in the world of AI, 

Be very careful who you interact with. Share no personal info or pics (unless on your profile). Some apps like Grindr have video chat to see who you are talking to.

If they request you carry the conversation to WhatsApp that is another red flag.

 

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, RawNYTop said:

That guy utilized Chat GPT for his responses.

He was copying your message to him, and requested a thoughtful response from Chat GPT to send to you.

This is the type of things we now deal with in the world of AI, 

Be very careful who you interact with. Share no personal info or pics (unless on your profile). Some apps like Grindr have video chat to see who you are talking to.

If they request you carry the conversation to WhatsApp that is another red flag.

 

Hey thanks, It had an AI vibe to me, how did you know it was Chat GPT?  

[Tiboer]

Anytime someone responds with something as long as that, chances that it’s AI are high.

But, what exactly is the point of this romance scam?  To eventually get money out of you?