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The Show-Offs

Near Home—July, 2024   As the month of July came to a close, I had one last afternoon session in the closest bookstore.  It was a Friday.  And busy—with fresh faces and old standbys…   I close the door to the new porn room behind me.  There are half a dozen men here in the half light.  They are still all zipped up, but eyeing each other as much as the videos.  I sit where I can see both screens with just a slight turn of my head.  I spot the couple who come here in the aftern
Who I Am

You Want To Know What I Really Think?

You really wanna hear it? Like all of it? Fine. But don’t fucking look at me like I’m crazy when I’m done. Don’t give me that pity face, or worse, that fake shock like you’re not just as rotten inside. Here’s the truth... I don’t believe in anything. Not God. There's no “meaning.” Forget that bullshit about everyone being special. People are just meat. Soft, needy, pathetic little animals pretending they’re better than the hunger in their gut. And me? I’m not pretending anymore.
Who I Am

What I Mean Why I Say Fuck Me Like A Whore

Use me more than once a day. Please, I fucking need it. Throw me around when you’re stressed or just for fun. Jerk off inside me Degrade me and praise me Tease me. [banned word] on me. Play fucked up games with me. Order me around. Turn my brain off and let me fulfill all your wicked fantasies Actually scare me a little. Take it from me. Chase me (bonus points for dragging me through the woods). CNC my ass Say the nasty, fucked up things you think. Degrade me, humiliate
Everything

Wednesday 30th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Let me tell you a story. I had my second piano lesson today with Max, and I think I made a mistake by telling him I’d been practicing at home and showing him my progress. Right after that, he said, “Okay, I want you to play this piece,” and of course, I tensed up and couldn’t play it properly. We kept at it for a while, and once he thought I got the gist, we moved on to the next song. But in the end, the whole lesson felt like me just practicing something I could’ve
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 29th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I want to talk about Jan today. We’ve decided to have our first meet-up this Friday night. I’m hesitant to call it a date, even though technically it is. When he told me he was free and asked if I wanted to do something, I noticed I didn’t immediately get excited or jump at the opportunity. Instead, I found myself wondering if I even wanted to go at all.   The reason is that our conversations through text have felt pretty lukewarm. They don’t really go anyw
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 28th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve decided to let go of singing for now, and I want to walk you through my reasoning. The original goal for singing was never really about gaining the confidence to pick up a microphone and perform—I already had that. The real issue was the uncertainty. I wasn’t sure about the technical side of singing, and I kept questioning myself: was I singing the song correctly? Would people judge me if I wasn’t? Most of it was probably just in my head, but I wanted to learn s
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Bookstore

A New Night = New Men

Near Home—July, 2024   I had picked up a short work gig for the middle of July.  It changed my playtime radically as my afternoons were now about the job.  I was finally able to play by Saturday night, a very different time to my usual afternoon bookstore jaunts.  I expected to see new faces.  For better or worse, I certainly did…   I open the door.  A trim bear is across the room from me, jerking a very average dick.  Scattered around the room are three cross dressers.  (I u
Everything

Sunday 27th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Today was the last time I’ll see Phil for a very long while, and I want to talk about it.   He had originally planned to move to Sydney in October, but his agent recently found him a place—and the lease starts immediately. If he waited until October, he’d still have to pay rent on it for the next three months. So, he made the decision to leave in ten days, right on his birthday, too.   That means tonight was our last time seeing each other.  
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Bookstore

Feeding Time

Jackson—July, 2024 The second Saturday of the month, I went back to the bookstore with the play area and the medical exam table.  Saturdays there had been really good.  This one continued that tradition, but it also had a very different feel.  The parking lot was filling as I arrived…   I walk in.  It is dark after the bright, just-before-noon sun outside.  My eyes adjust.  Men are milling.  And sucking each other.  Everywhere.  It takes a few moments for me to realize that I, as
Everything

Friday 25th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A couple of things on my mind tonight.   Firstly, I was talking to Suf about my cruising tendencies. He hasn’t really explored that world yet, aside from one experience in a dark room in Amsterdam. He said he’d like to learn more next time we meet—and I’m more than happy to share, hehe. He also mentioned that he’s going to Beefcake tonight, which is a sex event in the city. I was so intrigued I looked it up. It’s basically a DJ club night with go-go dancers
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Who I Am

Why I Crave Being Degraded

t’s not about hating myself. It’s not because I have “daddy issues.” And it’s definitely not because I’m broken. I crave being degraded because in that moment—when I’m on my knees, mouth full, body aching—I feel more than I do anywhere else.More wanted. More filthy. More honest.There’s no pretending when I’m being used like a cocksleeve, called a whore, spat on, pinned down, and told I’m nothing but a hole. That’s not shame. That’s freedom. Freedom to be fucked without limits. Freedom
Everything

Thursday 24th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m still talking to this guy I recently met on Hinge—his name’s Jan—and I want to spend a bit of time reflecting on him today.   He’s 28, which is right on the borderline for the youngest age I’d consider dating. So far, our conversations have been pretty casual. We talk about music, movies, books, travel, cooking—simple things. I asked him if he ever reflects on his feelings or does any kind of introspection, and he said he only tends to do that during di
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Welcome Home from R

2025 July - Getting Home from Biz trips

I had been on the road for a couple of weeks.  It was really busy on the trip and I didn't get a chance to play with any hot men in Montreal OR Ottawa.  I got home late Thursday and decided to take Friday off.  Screw it.  I was just getting out of a nice hot shower where I had included a good thorough ass enema.  I wanted some serious ass play Friday to make up for lost time.  I figured I would try online and a couple of regulars to see if anyone wanted to get together for some rimming, fin
Who I Am

The Power Of Being Nothing But A Hole

We talk a lot about degradation. About being used. Dehumanised. Treated like an object. And it sounds brutal, filthy, even disturbing from the outside.But sometimes, being “just a hole” isn’t about being nothing. It’s about finally being enough — exactly as you are. Because in a world where we’re constantly expected to be more — more capable, more composed, more wanted, more worthy — there’s something intoxicating about being reduced to one thing:Use. No pressure to perform. No need to i
Everything

Wednesday 23rd July, 2025

Hello beautiful bastard,   Today, I was so sure I was going to drop my piano lessons. I could feel my body burning out from juggling too many things at once. I’d already found a new piano teacher—his name is Max—and I’d paid for the lesson in advance, so I couldn’t cancel. I figured I’d just go and see how it went. You never know, right? If he was really good, maybe I’d stick with it.   And you know what? He was really good.   What I liked about him was how professi
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 22nd July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I had my third singing lesson today, and it went really well. I still think Elissa, my vocal coach, is excellent at explaining concepts and taking things nice and slow to build my confidence—especially with pitch. She knows exactly where I’m going wrong and is able to correct things quickly before they spiral, which I really appreciate.   She’s been hinting that maybe doing both singing and piano at the same time might be a bit much—and honestly, I’ve been
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 21th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Two things I want to talk about tonight: dating and piano.   I’ve gone back into the red sea of dating. There’s a question I used to ask myself whenever I exited a relationship: “How do you know when you’re ready to date again?” It’s an interesting one because the answer is different for everyone. You kinda feel it in your bones. Back then, I used to think I was ready when I felt excited to meet new people again. And maybe that was true at the time. But I’v
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 20th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just waiting for dinner to cook, so I’m sending through a quick message. Suf came over today for lunch, and it was really nice. I’m glad we’ve been sending voice memos to each other over the past few days because his voice—and now his presence—felt familiar and comforting.   After lunch, we cuddled in bed. He’s a really good cuddler, much better than most guys I’ve met. He squeezes me tight, and I could feel a lot of warmth radiating between us—and I don’t
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 19th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just a quick message tonight, as it’s getting quite late and I’m pretty tired. Johnny and I spent the entire day playing Donkey Kong Bonanza on the Switch 2—about 12 hours in total. We originally planned to just follow the critical path (the main storyline), but it was so tempting to go off track and explore the side missions instead of doing what we were supposed to be doing.   When we realised we were only halfway through the game by the end of the sessio
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 18th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A lot happened today, and it’s not that I don’t want to tell you all about it. It’s just that sometimes, I want the moment to settle into my bones for a little while—to let the experience wash over me, to ponder it quietly before sharing it, even with you. One day, I’ll tell you everything. And maybe by then, it’ll be better—because I’ll have processed it more fully and gained a clearer perspective.   Remember Johnny? One of our friends who’s in an open rel
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Thursday 17th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I want to spend a bit of time today talking about Suf—the guy I’m currently chatting with on Hinge. He’s the one I mentioned where we’ve almost exclusively been sending voice memos instead of texting like normal people. From the start, he made it clear that he’s looking for companionship and nowhere near a partnership right now, which I respect.   Right off the bat, we’ve been exchanging voice messages in the morning, throughout the day, and even right befo
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Wednesday 16th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just a quick message tonight since not too much happened today. I picked up the piano stool from the post office, so now I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb like a true professional.   Up & Go was also on sale at Woolies, so like the unhinged bastards we are, I ended up buying 800 cartons—which should last us a solid three months until the next sale. It took two hours to drive, carry, and stock the whole thing into the house, which means I didn’t get much
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 15th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I had another singing lesson today. In fact, I don’t think we should even call them singing lessons anymore; we should call them therapy sessions with singing as a bonus. I told Elissa, the vocal coach, about the updates—how I’ve taken up both singing and piano lessons—and she did what she does best: deep-dived into how I was feeling about it all. She could sense that I was overwhelmed, trying to juggle everything at once on top of a full-time job.   She re
Philip

Philip in Everything

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