So I started taking random loads before PrEP came out. And then just around the time that it was approved by the FDA was when I finally got comfortable with the idea of being a cumdump, taking any and all loads, and eventually getting pozzed. I went to a few sex parties, bent over and took loads from anyone who'd fuck me. But then I realized I could be a cumdump and stay neg if I went on PrEP, so that's what I did. That was the spring of 2013 – nearly 5 years ago now. 

But I gotta say there's something really anti-climatic about PrEP. I miss the risk – whether I'm taking the risk or the bottom I'm fucking is taking it. And honestly, when you get to the point where you're OK with converting, that grows on you over time to the point where now I actually want to be poz. I'm not to the point of actively chasing – more like I want to take significant, calculated risks.

A few weeks ago I saw an article on Poz.com that, among other things, mentioned that there was still >90% protection a week after people stop taking PrEP. That got me thinking… I had a trip scheduled to Key West at the end of October – maybe I should just not take any PrEP with me. I'd be down there for 8 days. So based on the data, that means I'll still have about 90% coverage. BUT, even now, I don't take PrEP every day. So my protection will be a bit less. And it turns me on that I don't know how much less. 

My goal for that week is to get 100 loads of cum up my ass. Give at least one load a day. And manage to get a fist up my ass. (And workout, go to the nude beach, etc.) Basically I'm there to be a slut. I'm a little worried about the 100 load goal, so I might start my week early by going to a bathhouse the day before I leave. In that case if I can get at least 5 loads at the bathhouse, I'll skip PrEP that day too. That put me up to 9 days skipped. And then I was thinking if I've taken PrEP within 24 hours of having sex, then I'm not really "off PrEP" when I'm taking those loads. So I'm tempted to skip another day, but I'm thinking 10 days is more risk than I'm comfortable with. 

On top of that I posted a #neg4poz gangbang party ad on BBRT for the last night of the trip (in Ft. Lauderdale). I'm telling guys to pretend their toxic even if they aren't so I don't really know what I'm getting up my ass. I figure that should give some anonymity to the tops who really are toxic. If there's lots of poz talk and everyone is saying they're blowing a toxic load and infecting me, then the truly toxic tops can mix into that and there's plausible deniability for them – that they're lying just like everyone else.

But the idea of taking toxic loads when I'm 8 or 9 days off PrEP is both a turn on and a worry. A small part of me is saying "life is good, why are you doing this?" but the bigger part of me is just sorta numb and wanting it to happen. I want this to be a reoccurring thing – once or twice a year I go somewhere to be a slut and don't take my PrEP with me. 

I'm in the 2 week period before going where I should be taking Truvada every day and getting my serum drug levels up. But I've already skipped a day or two. I'm telling myself I only get PrEP when I do significant exercise (a half hour + of weights or cycling). But the last 4-5 days I will take it every day regardless. 

So the plan is in motion. Who knows? Maybe in a month I'll have fuck flu. But more likely I'll still be neg. I like not knowing… 

[I'll try to keep blogging during this whole adventure. I want to log my thoughts and feelings…]