Whenever I am not being fucked enough (okay, that would be constantly) I find myself lying here thinking too much, and occasionally about – unsurprisingly – cock. We have all been down the list of words than mean “penis” - oh, don't give me that, you're not fooling anybody, you had a big cheesy grin on your face at the time, so just admit it – and I considered it today. 

This modest standalone Thesaurus of Cock boasts a prodigious number of synonyms. One source I checked noted 174 items, dwarfing (to my surprise) the listing of Urban Dictionary. Another source offered a more robust 238 terms. Compiling different ones, I arrived at more than 350 alternatives for cock.

This is important for three reasons. First, if you are a writer of a better quality of smut, it becomes necessary to switch up the common nouns after a while to keep things fresh, and to build effective metaphor: His basilisk turned itself to stone and slithered relentlessly into the twink's moist cavern.

Second: Take that, you DoubleList and Grindr censorship fuckers. You think you're so damned clever because your filters stop us from using cock? Well I've got a 7” disco stick and I'm ready to dance all night. 

Third – and this is what got me thinking to start with – there are some words used for cock that turn me off. Top of the list is pecker. Ha-ha-ha-HA-Ha! Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha! My name ain't Woody Woodpecker, dude. I'm not fond of dick, either. I don't have a “Richard”. Wiener has never worked for me, and after the whole Anthony Wiener thing, it never, ever will. Willy – nope. Nor any of the silly, nonsensical names like dong, dork, tallywhacker, or who who dilly (someone was seriously repressed). Also, the terms that tend to diminish cocks don't do it for me: chubbie, dink/dinker, peeter/peter, twig, weewee, and winkie.

Bear in mind, I'm not so much talking about what I don't like my own cock to be called – frankly, gentlemen, I'd prefer that you ignored my cock altogether and focused your attention on my ass. The greater danger is in what a Top calls his own equipment because of the affect it can have on my response to him... including a tendency to giggle. (Giggle stick? Really?)

I provide the compiled Thesaurus of Cock below for your use, in alphabetical order. A few observations:

• This listing is not intended as comprehensive. I have no doubt that you will find omissions from your personal experience.
• A couple of entries are simply prefixes that can be added to just about anything, purple-headed and one-eyed.
• An attentive reader will note that most of these terms could be grouped into broad categories, like Edibles, Military, Mythological, Musical, Zoological, etc. One category that suggests itself is Friend/Companion for the number of entries like Big Jim and the Twins, Mr. Happy, Little Alex, and so forth.
• If using this for writing alternatives, be alert for the Law of Diminising Returns. It is possible to choose a word that will destroy any credibility you may have with the reader. For instance: His purple-helmeted warrior of love struck the puckered door to the fortress like a battering ram or even For over an hour his trombone played sweet rhythm and blues to his lover's ass, before closing the set with a shot of jazz. Use some common sense.
• Some of these are strangely specific, and I am at a loss to describe the context in which one would appropriately use them: Nebraska State Capitol, Chairman Mao, Jerry Springer.
• The presence of Luigi but no Mario or Wario is puzzling, as is the complete absence of any Pokémon reference – including pokémon.
• Lastly: If you happen to be the owner of Krull the Warrior King, please contact me at once either by text or email. Please.

Thesaurus of Cock

1. 100% all-beef thermometer
2. Alabama black snake
3. albino cave dweller
4. anaconda
5. anal impaler
6. antenna
7. appendage
8. appendicle
9. Aries
10. baby arm
11. baby maker
12. bag of tricks
13. bald-headed yogurt slinger
14. baloney pony
15. basilisk
16. BBC
17. beaver basher
18. bed snake
19. beef whistle
20. Big Jim and the Twins
21. big Italian salami
22. bird
23. bishop
24. blue-vein sausage
25. bobby dangler
26. bone
27. boner
28. boom stick
29. braciole
30. branch
31. bratwurst
32. broner
33. bud
34. bulge
35. burrito
36. bushwhacker
37. candle
38. Captain
39. Chairman Mao
40. chap
41. choad
42. chopper
43. chub
44. chubbie
45. chup
46. chut
47. clarinet
48. cobra
49. cock
50. cock rocket
51. cod
52. Colonel
53. cornholer
54. cranny axe
55. cucumber
56. cum gun
57. custard launcher
58. cyclops
59. D
60. D train
61. dagger
62. danger noodle
63. dangler
64. deep-V diver
65. dick
66. dick smalls
67. ding
68. ding dong
69. ding-a-ling
70. dingis/dingus
71. dink
72. dinker
73. dinky
74. dipstick
75. disco stick
76. doder
77. doinker
78. domepiece
79. dong
80. donger
81. dork
82. dragon
83. drill
84. drum stick
85. dude piston
86. easy rider
87. eggroll
88. elephant
89. elevator
90. excalibur
91. extremity
92. family jewels
93. fang
94. ferret
95. fire hose
96. flesh flute
97. flesh tower
98. footlong
99. fuck rod
100. fuck stick
101. fuck truck
102. fudge sickle
103. fun stick
104. gearshift
105. General and two Colonels
106. genitalia
107. genitals
108. giggle stick
109. goober
110. goofy goober
111. groin ferret
112. gut wrench
113. hairy hotdog
114. hammer
115. hard drive
116. hard-on
117. hardware
118. heat-seeking moisture missile
119. helmet head
120. hockey cocky
121. hog
122. hollow point
123. homeboy
124. hose
125. hotdog
126. hotdogger
127. Humperdink
128. jackhammer
129. jagoff
130. Jerry Springer
131. Jimmy
132. John
133. John Thomas
134. Johnson
135. joystick
136. junk
137. katana
138. kickstand
139. kielbasa
140. King Sebastian
141. knight
142. knob
143. Krull the Warrior King
144. lady boner
145. lamb kebab
146. lap rocket
147. lawnmower
148. leaky hose
149. Lieutenant/Leftenant
150. lightsaber
151. lingam
152. lipstick
153. Little Alex
154. Little Billy
155. Little Bob
156. little buddy
157. Little Elvis
158. little friend
159. Little Stevie
160. lizard
161. lollipop
162. Longfellow
163. love muscle
164. love rod
165. love shaft
166. love stick
167. love whistle
168. Luigi
169. machine
170. main vein
171. Major
172. male organs
173. man meat
174. man muscle
175. man umbrella
176. manhood
177. mast
178. master of ceremonies
179. master sword
180. meat
181. meat and two veg
182. meat injection
183. meat popsicle
184. meat stick
185. meat sword
186. meat thermometer
187. member
188. microphone
189. middle leg
190. middle stump
191. mongoose
192. monster
193. Mr. Happy
194. Mr. Knish
195. Mr. Winky
196. mustang
197. mutton
198. Nebraska State Capitol
199. netherrod
200. nuclear missile
201. ol' one-eye
202. old boy
203. old chap
204. old fellow
205. old man
206. one-eyed...
207. P
208. packer
209. patz
210. pecker
211. Pedro
212. peen
213. peepee
214. peeper
215. peeter
216. penile
217. Percy
218. Peter
219. Ph.D
220. phallus
221. pickle
222. piece
223. Pied Piper
224. pig skin bus
225. pink oboe
226. pink torpedo
227. pink tractor beam
228. piss weasel
229. piston
230. pitched tent
231. pizzle
232. plonker
233. plug
234. pocket monster
235. pocket rocket
236. poinswatter
237. polaroid
238. pole
239. Popeye
240. pork sword
241. prick
242. Princess Sophia
243. private parts
244. privates
245. privy parts
246. pud
247. purple-headed...
248. purple-helmeted warrior of love
249. putz
250. python
251. quiver bone
252. ramburglar
253. remote control
254. reproductive organs
255. rocks
256. rod
257. rod of pleasure
258. rooster
259. Russell the love muscle
260. salami
261. sausage
262. schlong
263. schlort
264. schmeckel
265. schmuck/shmuck
266. schnitzel
267. schwantz/schwanz
268. sconge
269. screwdriver
270. sea monster
271. sebastianic sword
272. secondary sex characteristic
273. sequoia
274. sex organs
275. sexcalibur
276. shaft
277. shlittle
278. shlong
279. short arm
280. shrinkage
281. silver bullet
282. single barrelled pump action shotgun
283. single serving soup dispenser
284. skin flute
285. slut slayer
286. snake
287. sniper rifle
288. soldier
289. spawn hammer
290. staff
291. steamin' semen roadway
292. stick
293. stick shift
294. stiffy
295. surfboard
296. tan banana
297. tallywhacker
298. tent pole
299. thing
300. third leg
301. throbber
302. thumper
303. thunderbird
304. thundersword
305. tinker
306. todger
307. tonka
308. tonsil tickler
309. tool
310. torpedo
311. tramp killer
312. tripod
313. trombone
314. trouser meat
315. trouser snake
316. tubesteak
317. twig
318. twinkie
319. Uncle Dick
320. undercover brother
321. unit
322. vein
323. wand
324. wang
325. wang doodle
326. wanger
327. wanker
328. wankie
329. warrior of love
330. Washington Monument
331. wedding tackle
332. wee
333. wee wee
334. weenie
335. weiner
336. whang
337. whiskey dick
338. who who dilly
339. whoopie stick
340. wick
341. wiener
342. wiener schnitzel
343. willie
344. winkie
345. WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction/Weapon of Male Destruction)
346. wonder weasel
347. wonder worm
348. wood
349. yardstick
350. yingyang
351. yogurt gun
352. yogurt hose
353. yogurt slinger
354. yoo-hoo
355. Zeus
356. zubra
357. zuchini