Philip

Hello beautiful, I had another piano lesson today, and it was much better than last time. I think the difference was that this time, I came in knowing what I wanted out of the session. Before now, I always thought piano was just about learning songs from sheet music—sit down, master one piece, then move on to the next. That’s how last week’s lesson felt. But after diving into music theory, I’ve realized there’s so much more to it. Music can follow a structure, yes, but within that structure, there’s freedom for expression—for jazz, improv, and all kinds of creative play. That’s what makes it magical. I went in with a bunch of questions, and Max answered them all. I left the session feeling excited to get home and play again. For the first time in a while, everything felt right with the world. In other news, I decided to go back on Hinge just to see what’s out there. I ended up talking to about five different guys. And buddy, dating is tedious. Almost all of them asked me what I do for work and where I live—even though it’s right there on my profile. One gave me ridiculously short replies, which made the filtering process very easy. And weirdly enough, a few of them weren’t even in Melbourne; they were in Sydney, Brisbane, or Canberra but still looking for guys here, which just baffles me. Meanwhile, I’m still sending Suf voice memos every night—about ten minutes long—sharing my day and how I’m feeling, and he does the same. We’ve been doing this for weeks now. Subconsciously, it’s setting a very high bar for the next guy I date. I’m not sure if that’s unfair, but honestly, that’s the kind of connection I’m looking for. Deep, consistent, genuine. The best part is, I’m not overwhelmed with disappointment this time around. I’m actually enjoying single life—spending time on my own, sending voice memos to Suf, and seeing friends. I don’t feel alone, not like I did a couple of weeks ago when I was still clinging tightly to Phil, thinking no one could compare and that there was no hope. I don’t feel that way anymore. That feels like growth. It’s a long road ahead, buddy, but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Have a good night. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I had another singing lesson with Elissa today, and I thought she would be really impressed with my newfound interest in music theory. Instead, I think she felt a little overwhelmed on my behalf (even though I don’t feel overwhelmed at all). If I could read her mind, I bet she was thinking, “Woah, let’s slow it down a notch or two.” I know people often do that out of care and kindness, especially if they don’t know us very well. But when we dive into something, we really crank the dial up to eleven. For those who truly know us, the best response in this scenario would be something like: “Yes! I love it! Just remember to hydrate, get your full sleep, and you’re golden.” Something like that. In other news, I did a few more classes on Pianote today, and I absolutely love it. At this point, I feel like I have three piano teachers: two real human ones, and one virtual. It’s made me reflect on what makes a truly great teacher—because we want to be good teachers ourselves one day. I think the standout qualities go beyond just being knowledgeable. A great teacher also leaves you with a life philosophy you can carry with you and apply outside the classroom. For example, in the massage course you’ll be doing soon, you’ll meet a trainer named Lynette. She’s all about connecting the body with the energy around us, and she taught me how to recenter my spirit and find calmness with the world. Elissa, my vocal coach, has been teaching me patience and compassion with myself. And Lisa, from Pianote, showed me how to laugh at the mistakes along the way and to keep the joy alive, because after all—we’re only human. That’s the kind of teacher I want to be. I want to give people something they can take away that makes their lives better. I think that “something” is grace. Anyone can teach a skill, but not everyone can do it with grace—that gentleness and humanity that feels so rare these days. And if I can bring that into someone’s life, even for a moment, I’ll know I’ve made an impact. Keep your chin up, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I was doing some pointless scrolling on YouTube the other day when it suggested a channel called Pianote. It’s run by this lovely lady named Lisa who teaches piano from beginner to advanced. I watched a couple of her videos and I really like the way she explains things. Combined with the music theory I’ve been learning, her lessons reinforced a lot of what I’ve read about but hadn’t necessarily put into practice yet. She has such a calm, nurturing energy—and she’s funny too. I found out that Pianote is actually a whole online course where Lisa and other teachers come together to guide students, and it only costs $50 AUD a month, which is much cheaper than the $40 AUD a week I currently spend on lessons. I do think there’s real value in having a teacher, especially in the beginning stages, but I also see the benefits of combining both a teacher and an online program. This course just feels so aligned with my learning style—the variety, the knowledge, and especially the fun, inviting energy Lisa brings. Playing along with her doesn’t feel like an isolated activity but something I can actually look forward to after work. Honestly, it feels worth every penny. That said, I’ve already paid for a term’s worth of piano lessons—seven more classes—so I’ll make the most of them. The only tricky part is that my vocal coach is also a piano teacher, which means I can always ask her any questions I have, especially around theory. So maybe having two piano teachers is a little redundant. Still, I see all this spending as an investment in clarity—every step brings me closer to understanding what I want and need. I’ll keep you updated on my progress, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, This weekend has been pretty good. It’s probably the first weekend in a long while where I basically did nothing—no running around socializing, no endless errands. Just a slow, quiet couple of days. I did get my monthly haircut though, and went straight home afterwards for a nap. As usual, I squeezed in some piano and singing practice. Work gave us a beanie recently, and I usually wear it on my walks since it’s always under 10°C. But today I skipped my shower, so I couldn’t wear it, and my nose started running from the cold. I think I’m officially in love with beanies—they’re such a simple but perfect way to stay warm. In other news, I’ve started sending out voice memos instead of just regular texts, and a lot of my friends seem to enjoy it. Some of them are even doing the same. It’s nice hearing their voices—it adds a warmth you don’t quite get with texts. Still, I’ll always love long text messages too, even if most people don’t seem to enjoy writing essays the way we do hehe. Right now, I still have seven more lessons left with my music teacher. After that, I think I’ll drop piano lessons and continue learning on my own, maybe with the help of short courses on YouTube. My singing teacher also teaches piano, and she said we can split our sessions if I ever want to cover both singing and piano, which feels like a pretty good option. Take life nice and easy, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’m finding it really difficult to take some time off from the gym. Recently, I woke up with a massive headache, and I think it’s because I’ve just been go, go, go these last couple of weeks—piling on so many new things like singing, piano, and now music theory. It feels like everything is starting to catch up with me. My right shoulder has also been acting up, tense and sore. So I decided to give myself the weekend off from the gym, sleep in, relax, and just do a lot of pointless stuff. Sometimes I look down at my growing belly and I get the urge to run straight to the gym and lift a few weights, but I know pushing through might just make things worse, so I try to stop myself. Lately I’ve been thinking about how time is really just an illusion—something we invented to keep track of things. And if I give my body 72 hours of full rest, it won’t know the difference. It won’t know it’s been 72 hours. It’ll just know that some time has passed. Johnny came over today and we played Donkey Kong, then ended up watching some YouTube videos of people singing. Something unexpected happened: we started harmonising together—and it was wonderful. I never thought I’d have the courage or the skill to do it, but I did. I hit the notes, I knew what I was doing, and it felt amazing. All the hard work from these last few weeks of singing lessons finally felt like it was paying off. I know I keep saying this, but now I’m not sure if I want to drop singing after all. I feel like I’m building momentum, and I’m excited to see where it goes. If this is my progress in just a couple of weeks, where will I be in a year’s time? In other random news, Johnny also let me try his new poppers called Jungle Juice. I’ve tried a lot over the years, but this one was probably the best. I felt it almost instantly, and the high lasted for a good while. I might look into getting some myself. Things are getting exciting around here. Take care of yourself, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’m diving into the deep sea now when it comes to music—music theory. The best way I can describe it is that music theory is like a grammar book for music: it teaches you how it should be played to sound beautiful, and the rules that govern what works and what doesn’t. But like all good grammar books, once you understand the basics, you’re free to break as many rules as you like to create magic. I’m starting to understand the rules that make music what it is, and I’m so excited about it. I’ve realised that music is its own language, like Italian or French, and it tells a story too, carrying the listener on a journey the same way a good book transports you somewhere else for a while. I’ve also learned that once you know the rules, you can even predict the next note in a song. How amazing is that? It means music isn’t really random at all—it follows patterns. You just have to learn how to fill in the gaps. My initial plan was to drop singing for now while I focus on piano and theory together, and then return to singing later once I’ve built a stronger foundation. For now, I’m planning to stay with my current piano teacher for this term, and then maybe return to my previous one later on. He specialises in chords and improvisation, and even though his methods were messy and chaotic, he actually taught me a lot. But then I remembered that my vocal coach is also a piano teacher, which opens another option: I could stick with her, learn piano at my own snail pace, study theory on my own, and come to her whenever I have questions. Lots of options, so I’ll sit with it for a while. My next lesson with her is this Tuesday, so I have a couple of days to think it through. Life’s a roller coaster, and right now, it’s climbing. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, Let me tell you a story. I had my second piano lesson today with Max, and I think I made a mistake by telling him I’d been practicing at home and showing him my progress. Right after that, he said, “Okay, I want you to play this piece,” and of course, I tensed up and couldn’t play it properly. We kept at it for a while, and once he thought I got the gist, we moved on to the next song. But in the end, the whole lesson felt like me just practicing something I could’ve done on my own. Not that it was a total waste—he did say something that stuck with me: that I should aim to reach a stage where I don’t need to count in my head anymore and can just feel the beat in my bones. I really liked that. Still, I’ve figured out what I want to do now. Next time I see Max, I’m going to challenge him. I’ll tell him I don’t just want to play pieces straight from the book—I can handle that practice at home or ask for help if I get stuck. What I want is to be surprised, to experience what learning the piano can really feel like, and to leave each lesson wowed and itching to play more when I get home. A part of me wonders if he can deliver on that. It makes me think back to Nhan, my old piano teacher. I’m starting to appreciate his chaotic teaching style more than I realised, and honestly, I miss it. If I gave him this kind of challenge, I know he would’ve lit up, always eager to throw something unexpected my way, even if it was meant for years down the road. Let’s see where this takes us, yeah? Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I want to talk about Jan today. We’ve decided to have our first meet-up this Friday night. I’m hesitant to call it a date, even though technically it is. When he told me he was free and asked if I wanted to do something, I noticed I didn’t immediately get excited or jump at the opportunity. Instead, I found myself wondering if I even wanted to go at all. The reason is that our conversations through text have felt pretty lukewarm. They don’t really go anywhere or dive deeper. Yes, he checks in every day, but it’s mostly just, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s the plan for the rest of the night?” We exchange polite replies, but when I stop and think about it, I wonder—what have we actually talked about? Some might argue that maybe he’s better in person than over text, and that’s fair. But then I wonder, what happens in the in-between? Do we just wait to see each other once a week without sharing much depth through messages or calls? I asked him today what he’s looking for on the app, and he said he’s ultimately after a long-term relationship, but that he’s “going with the flow.” And I think that’s the key phrase: going with the flow. He’s taking things easy, not stressing, and it makes me feel a little guilty for wanting more from him. With Suf, and even with Phil, I felt like I could fully unleash myself, and they could (at least somewhat) hold the space for it. With Jan, I feel like I can only hand over a part of myself, not the whole. So for now, I’ll let these feelings simmer a little longer before deciding what to do with them. Dating is tough, buddy. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One step at a time, yeah? Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’ve decided to let go of singing for now, and I want to walk you through my reasoning. The original goal for singing was never really about gaining the confidence to pick up a microphone and perform—I already had that. The real issue was the uncertainty. I wasn’t sure about the technical side of singing, and I kept questioning myself: was I singing the song correctly? Would people judge me if I wasn’t? Most of it was probably just in my head, but I wanted to learn singing to quiet those voices. After four lessons (with two more still to go), I’ve started to grasp the essence of how a song should be sung, especially when it comes to matching pitch—which was the part I was most unsure about. I feel more confident now. When I sing, I carry that knowledge in the back of my mind, but I also choose to bend the rules. Because singing, like all art, isn’t just about precision—it’s about interpretation. That uniqueness is what makes any art form beautiful. It reminds me of writing: at first, you learn proper grammar, but eventually, you start breaking the rules to create your own style. That’s why we love writing so much, isn’t it? Piano, though—I’ll definitely keep going. I can see myself playing and mastering it over the next ten years until it becomes a daily rhythm, like the gym or writing. When I play, I feel the vibration of the notes in the air, in my fingertips, and deep in my bones. It feeds my soul. Closing my eyes, pressing the keys, I get transported somewhere peaceful, almost meditative. It’s a space I want to keep exploring in detail. On a small detour—I’m still talking to Suf and Jan, though their messages have been a little sparse lately. Sometimes hours pass before I hear from them. I check my phone here and there, but honestly, I don’t feel sad or lonely when I see no reply. I just shrug, keep playing piano, go for a walk, or tidy the house. And you know what, buddy? That feels like growth. And it feels really good. Have an awesome night, and an even better sleep. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, Today was the last time I’ll see Phil for a very long while, and I want to talk about it. He had originally planned to move to Sydney in October, but his agent recently found him a place—and the lease starts immediately. If he waited until October, he’d still have to pay rent on it for the next three months. So, he made the decision to leave in ten days, right on his birthday, too. That means tonight was our last time seeing each other. We were having dinner when he told me all of this, and I was hit with a wave of sadness—followed by excitement for him and the new adventure he’s choosing for himself. He’s a smart guy. I know he’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. He won’t settle for mediocrity. I realised I only had a few more hours with him. But instead of trying to cram every minute with activity or memory-making, I just slowed down. After dinner, we lay on the couch together, kissing and cuddling in silence, soaking up each other’s presence. No performance. No masks. Just two raw, vulnerable, broken humans holding space for each other. Later, we curled up in bed. We kissed and cuddled some more, fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, and woke up still wrapped around each other. It was comforting. It felt like home. This is only the fourth time I’ve seen Phil in person, but each visit is still vividly imprinted in my mind—bright, colorful, dreamlike. I revisit those memories often, and they make me smile. This time though, I entered the visit without emotional attachment. I’m no longer caught in the tight grip I once had on him. Instead, I got to simply enjoy his presence—his company, his essence. It felt like closure, the way true closure is supposed to feel: clean, tender, and tied with a neat little ribbon. I placed a bookmark in our chapter—not a full stop. I don’t think it ends here. I have a feeling our paths will cross again someday. And when they do, we’ll both be different people, shaped by new philosophies and stories. I’m curious whether we’ll still feel the same way about each other then. Keep moving through life with your heart open, buddy—you never know what you’ll find. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, A couple of things on my mind tonight. Firstly, I was talking to Suf about my cruising tendencies. He hasn’t really explored that world yet, aside from one experience in a dark room in Amsterdam. He said he’d like to learn more next time we meet—and I’m more than happy to share, hehe. He also mentioned that he’s going to Beefcake tonight, which is a sex event in the city. I was so intrigued I looked it up. It’s basically a DJ club night with go-go dancers, but what really caught my attention was the dark room where sex is permitted. It sounded… very exciting. Phil also mentioned that he’s going out tonight, and it hit me that he’s the type to be out every Friday night. And then I turned inward and realized—since the breakup, I haven’t been invited out on a Friday or Saturday night at all. But here’s the thing: we’ve never really had that kind of friend group, have we? The ones who go clubbing regularly. And even if we were invited… would we even go? We’re the type who prefer silence. We like watching movies with people, playing games, having deep chats—the quieter kinds of connection. So what am I feeling? I don’t feel left out, or jealous that others are out partying. Tonight, I stayed home and practiced piano for three hours, then sat down to write this message to you before bed. That’s about as quiet as a night can get—and honestly, I love it. I just think we’re wired differently from the people who thrive in clubs and crowds. We find magic in stillness. And there’s nothing wrong with that. The world needs both kinds. I’ve also been thinking a lot about what to do with piano and singing moving forward. At first, I wanted to keep both. Lately, I keep flipping back and forth: keep one? keep both? drop one? I do have the budget to maintain both, and I’m honestly getting the hang of managing them. It’s just… I’m not sure they serve the same purpose anymore. I started singing so I could understand how the voice works—so I could really appreciate the art. And now, knowing how pitch works, how a song is meant to be sung, and how much work goes into it—it’s given me confidence. I can pick up a mic now and know I’m doing it somewhat right. That’s huge. Piano, on the other hand, gives me joy. There’s something beautiful about the grind of it. It challenges me in the same way video games do—skill, structure, mastery—and it keeps me company when I’m bored. But what’s the end goal of it? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just to one day stumble upon a public piano, sit down, and play something beautiful. If I do that, I’ll cross it off my bucket list. That would be incredible. My thoughts are a bit scattered tonight, aren’t they? You know what that means? Bedtime hehe. Sleep well, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’m still talking to this guy I recently met on Hinge—his name’s Jan—and I want to spend a bit of time reflecting on him today. He’s 28, which is right on the borderline for the youngest age I’d consider dating. So far, our conversations have been pretty casual. We talk about music, movies, books, travel, cooking—simple things. I asked him if he ever reflects on his feelings or does any kind of introspection, and he said he only tends to do that during difficult periods in his life. Right now, things are going well for him, so he hasn’t felt the need. To be honest, it feels like we’re just treading shallow waters. We don’t really dive deep into life or feelings, and I’m not sure what to make of that. I mean, I’ve got a few older friends who I can go there with—though not always for long—and of course, we’ve always got our old man when we need to unpack the deeper stuff. I also get that a partner doesn’t have to be everything for us. But I think about people like Phil or Suf, who’ve clearly lived through a lot and know how to wade through life’s heavy stuff, but also know how to laugh and take things lightly. I don’t think Jan’s quite there yet. Maybe it’s his age. Maybe it’s just who he is. I’ve got this gut feeling that what I see now is what I’ll get. To be fair, we haven’t met in person yet—we’re hoping to catch up sometime next week—so we’ll see. But you and I, we’ve learned to trust our gut, haven’t we? I guess the real question I’m sitting with is: If he’s not someone who naturally leans into emotional depth, am I going to be okay with that? I’m someone who shares a lot about my day, especially how I feel about my day. More than anything, I want a partner who can hold that space—someone who can listen, give me a hug, and just be present with me in it. I don’t know if Jan can do that. And if he can’t, it means I’ll have to find another outlet, which probably means I won’t be able to share a large part of myself with him. We’ve been through this before, haven’t we? With Kevin. Where I couldn’t share my thoughts fully and he eventually felt lonely, isolated—even while in a relationship. I can already see how that kind of emotional gap could create slow, subtle drift. Still, I’m going to let the universe surprise me with this one. I don’t want to overthink it and accidentally manifest the worst-case scenario before I’ve even given it a real shot. But don’t be surprised if I come back later and say, “I told you so.” 😞 Stay awesome, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful bastard, Today, I was so sure I was going to drop my piano lessons. I could feel my body burning out from juggling too many things at once. I’d already found a new piano teacher—his name is Max—and I’d paid for the lesson in advance, so I couldn’t cancel. I figured I’d just go and see how it went. You never know, right? If he was really good, maybe I’d stick with it. And you know what? He was really good. What I liked about him was how professional he was from the start, and how quickly he assessed where I was at skill-wise. We worked on moving up and down the piano using pivoting fingers, and he was patient and kind throughout. He even managed to pack a lot into a 30-minute session, which left me feeling good about myself and actually excited to play piano when I got home. I think that’s a good sign. I still think about Nhan sometimes—my old piano teacher. I don’t feel bad about no longer being his student. I think he has a lot of great stuff to teach, but his style is more advanced, and I don’t think I’m in a place right now to fully absorb what he offers. I do plan to come back to him one day, whether that’s in Term 4 or even Term 1 of next year—because what he taught me stuck, and that really means something. So yeah, I’m still juggling a lot, but for the first time in a while, I’m actually enjoying it, buddy. I think my nervous system was just shocked by all the newness happening at once. Plus, I haven’t really had a weekend to myself in a while—it’s been pretty packed, including the one coming up. I think I just need a weekend for me. A quiet one. Just to breathe, to relax, and enjoy life at my own pace. Remember to be kind to yourself, yeah? Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I had my third singing lesson today, and it went really well. I still think Elissa, my vocal coach, is excellent at explaining concepts and taking things nice and slow to build my confidence—especially with pitch. She knows exactly where I’m going wrong and is able to correct things quickly before they spiral, which I really appreciate. She’s been hinting that maybe doing both singing and piano at the same time might be a bit much—and honestly, I’ve been thinking the same for a while now. That said, one of the other piano teachers I reached out to got back to me. His name is Max, and I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’m curious to see what fresh perspective he brings to the table. You know what, buddy? When I was practicing piano and tackling a new song, I kept remembering the things Nhan—my current piano teacher—taught me. And I applied them. His teachings still echo in my head, even now. I know he might not be the most professional teacher out there, but that must mean something, right? That a part of me still wants him to guide me? I’m just sitting with that thought tonight. I’m also considering putting piano on pause for a little while as I build up my foundation in singing, since that was the original goal. I think I’ve learned enough to support my singing for now, and I can always come back to piano later, when I’m not juggling two things at once. That’s where my head’s at tonight. As always, stay awesome buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, Two things I want to talk about tonight: dating and piano. I’ve gone back into the red sea of dating. There’s a question I used to ask myself whenever I exited a relationship: “How do you know when you’re ready to date again?” It’s an interesting one because the answer is different for everyone. You kinda feel it in your bones. Back then, I used to think I was ready when I felt excited to meet new people again. And maybe that was true at the time. But I’ve realised now that after a breakup, we often gravitate towards others—sometimes new, sometimes old—just for company, to feel desired, to feel special again. I think that’s what drew Phil and Suf to me. Having someone close, someone to reflect their worth back to them. And over time, as they begin to rebuild their confidence and self-worth, the relationship shifts. I become a good friend. A supportive character in their next chapter. But these days? If you asked me that same question—how do I know I’m ready to date again—I think I’d say this: I’m ready when I’m willing to risk being hurt again by love. That’s not something I could’ve said a few months ago. Back then, I was still healing. Still licking wounds that were too raw to reopen. But I’ve been hurt so many times since the breakup in January, and still—I keep standing. I keep choosing love. And I want you to remember that, buddy. Love is worth it. Always. Now, onto piano. I’ve been thinking about changing my piano teacher. I’m not sure he’s the best at explaining things. Sometimes when I ask him questions, you can see this internal tug-of-war—he wants to answer, but he holds back, afraid it’ll lead us off track. Other times, I can tell he knows the answer, but just struggles to articulate it clearly. That’s why I’m not sure he’s the right teacher for me. But… I also like how strict he is, especially with timing and using the metronome. He keeps me in check. I’ve noticed I get a little cocky sometimes—skipping ahead to harder chapters instead of mastering the basics. He’s the one who reels me back in, like a grown-up catching a cheeky kid sneaking cookies before dinner. For that one hour, he manages to rein me in, and oddly enough, I don’t mind. It’s a kind of unprofessional, slightly dysfunctional relationship—but weirdly, I enjoy it. It makes the lessons feel human. For example, he wants me to learn the next three songs in Book 1—which I find super easy—so instead, I went rogue and bought Book 2. I started learning pieces from there and, surprise surprise, I’m struggling. I can already picture him pulling out the classic “I told you so,” and weirdly, I’m kind of looking forward to it—with a mischievous little grin on my face. I could find a more professional teacher, sure. But I have a feeling the lessons would be less fun. So… there’s the dilemma. I think I’ll sleep on it for a couple more nights. My next lesson’s coming up soon anyway. In the meantime, stay awesome, buddy. Chat soon xx