Everything is complicated to understand as reasons are truly personals and guided by hormons and desire.
I feel from the first time I clearly understood men were a turn on (and more if they were older was 14yo) for me that I was more a bottom. Didn't know the word at that moment but learnt it later. Thanks internet.
And so began to have a straight "classical" lying to myself. I was turn secretly turned on by more trashy porn and fantazise a lot about getting forced bottom by a powerful gay top.
Then I dreamt getting transformed, like impregnated by a top so strong that his seed will change me forever and make me who I really am. Like complete me.
I recently decided to broke with my past life and I am willing to become that bottom I am inside.
So barebacking is an evidence for me, but I don't want anon poz, cause I want to full connect with the Man I hope will knock me up, want to read the pleasure in his eyes as his power rises.
I dunno if this makes me whore or something.