advice needed - being shook down by a near-trick

[Sn00wb00red]

Now I am leaning back towards sending the C&D. Here's my thinking:

* The chances he does something just to screw me are low, but higher than the chances he would do anything after receiving legal notice. If this assumption is correct, this is a risk-reduction move

* He would have to be well beyond sane, not just a dumb meth head criminal, to do anything whatsoever after receiving the C&D and it's explicit promise to bring the matter to the attention of authorities if he does not comply

* There is a next step before actually bringing in the police and truly public records, etc - a civil harassment restraining order, which is not publicly accessible by anyone really. Only much later would an actual criminal case occur, and that has protections for crime victims privacy. So there are steps before actually having to bring this to the attention of the police dept in the unlikely event he does not comply with the C&D.

[Sn00wb00red]

Anyway, my initial reaction would be to wait and see if he continues to get in touch. After all, if you do end up having him prosecuted, it is almost an admission that everything he said was true and the court case is going to bring attention your way anyway.

It actually is not. Defamation is by definition false or malicious misrepresentation. And to get to the point of criminal prosecution, he'd have to have actually followed through (not for the legal requirement, but for me to actually take that step), so prosecuting would actually be a very good defense professionally speaking.

[Sn00wb00red]

Actually, discussed with lawyer again and the agreement is he will likely make another attempt if he hasn't just given up, so we'll wait for that before proceeding

[Sn00wb00red]

I need to work out some agression on a big fat raw dick or a twink bottom now.

[Guest SBBOY]

I think you should send it. Plus if he is doing this to other people, they might not be as switched on as you and may end up paying him and he will get away with it, ruining others lives,

Is this guy str8 and pretending to be gay just to target men?

[Sn00wb00red]

nope, he's gay. He even gave me his real name and email for paypal for the extortion, and when we were chatting and getting to know each other, sent me a link to this hospital's success story about his weight loss surgery as a teenager. So I have a ton of info on him. He even called his dealer before leaving from my home phone so I have that number too.

I worry that by sending it, I'll be provoking further action. I know others need to be warned, but not at the expense of the privacy I am trying to prevent.

[chaser]

Go to the police so other guys aren't subjected to this low life. He is counting on the fact you won't do anything, give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Sn00wb00red]

Not going to the police yet, but I am leaning back towards sending him the legal nastygram. He may be scared off already based on how I replied to his text, but this will maybe ensure it... it can't hurt, right?

[cumslut23]

I think you should sue the hell out of him. You got lucky, but most likely he will just look for another target. And if pressured some people do stupid things... So I would be really thankful if you could scare the shit out of this guy so he will never ever do something like that again...

[Sn00wb00red]

I'm still so conflicted. I have not heard back from the guy since his texts thursday night. I have the cease and desist ready to go.

I am sensitive to the idea that by scaring him he might not do this to anyone else ever again.

I can't really see the down side to sending it. He'd be an utter fool with a death wish to try anything at that point, right?

[genericuser]

I would recommend obtaining an order of protection which should (I know you can in DC) allow you to indicate a list of others (family, employer, etc) that he is legally prohibited from contacting about you. An order of protection would not infringe on his employment, his right to vote and would not appear if a potential employer performed a criminal history check on him; it does allow you to have the higher ground if he does attempt to fulfill his threats of blackmail or extortion and any of the industry media he threatened to contact about you would view him as an unstable individual whose word should not be trusted and that would make any circumstantial or peripheral evidence he may have against you not believable.

In addition to the order of protection I would suggest deleting any profiles that he can connect to you, do an Internet search of any of your screen names that he is aware of and do your best to delete anything that you might want to avoid being looked at by others, block his phone number and email address from being able to call or email you (most call blocking apps give the blocked caller the impression that your number has been disconnected) and also delete any of the profiles that he has used to communicate with you.

Edited April 22, 2013 by dshanebb

[rivertimber]

Several members here have given some good sound advice. The biggest catch 22 here is that you softly mentioned is that you are buying and using drugs. That this information alone can hurt you both professionally and legally with the law. Me I would hold off of sending the legel letters, yet. If he attempts to contact you, do not reply. Immediately contact the lawyers and inform them that he is attempting to contact you. If several people in your office know of your sexual identity, then I would inform them of the basics of what is going on (minus the drug use). If someone attempts to inform them of ill information of you then they can deal with it professionally. I will also agree on having the lawyers contact the various sites about this individual. The site owners can deal with it however they want (they contact law inforcement of a criminal behavior, ban the account, lock out the IP address, etc). I would also delete any and all accounts accross the web. If you cannot delete all of the information, pictures, accounts, etc. then contact each of the site managers, as they should have the power or their hosting provider has the power to delete.

Now here is one word of advice. YOU must ceist and decest any and ALL DRUG USE. PERIOD. Yes harse. But sirius. If it does get out at any time that you have been purchasing and using illigel drugs your life will take a sirius blow. Professionally. Legally with the police. Neighbors, church, social group, etc. However if time passes by and you have been clean (no first hand, second hand, third hand) and via hair and blood test show that you are clean then his actions are mute. Now if you can not handle getting and staying clean then you know you need help. Drug User Support Groups and or does your employer/ employer's insurance have an alcohol drug use support program. If so, then the completion and participation in this can help soften any future problems. Then in 2 years you can start sampling again if you are so incline.

[PhoenixGeoff]

I agree with rivertimber. The problem is that there's a tacit admission here that you're involved, however peripherally, in some kind of drug scene. Assuming this isn't something relatively benign, like a little 420, even if he can't get you in trouble with the law, you would have serious problems dealing with any sort of hard drug abuse (thinking along the lines of meth or coke or opiates). That kind of thing will completely fuck up any kind of career you may have made for yourself, even if there are no legal ramifications.

I'm assuming that you don't get into that sort of thing all that often because you don't have a dealer of your own. In a way, that's potentially worse: if the cops do take an interest, they typically use the threat of prison to get you to snitch on bigger fish. But you don't know any bigger fish, just the guy who's already snitching on you. Which means you could really be in a jam.

Finally, add to this the fact that if hard drugs of some kind are indeed involved, it's entirely possible that this guy is a habitual user, which means that he could react to any action you do take in unpredictable ways. Maybe you'd intimidate him. But maybe he'd follow through on his threat. Or maybe, if he thinks you're coming after him, he might even get violent (paranoia is a common side effect).

So I'd do what you're doing. Hopefully he goes off to find greener pastures and the whole thing disappears. That's the best case scenario for you. But if this guy decides to up the ante, you may want to talk to your lawyer about finding a way to get the police involved and getting him off the streets and in prison, hopefully in a way that protects you and keeps you out of the public eye.

And yeah, I'd definitely lay low for a while. Quit whatever drug use you are engaging in, especially anything illegal, but I'd even cut out alcohol for the next little bit, just to be on the safe side. Stay off the cruising sites. Scrub your postings and profiles carefully to ensure they are well within the letter and spirit of the relevant laws (if you're into younger guys, make sure you specify that they're 20+; if you're HIV+ make sure you're disclosing that, preferably in your public profiles; remove any and all references to drug use; etc.). Better still, delete whatever profiles you can. If some ambitious prosecutor decides he or she wants to take a look at you, you want to give them as little ammunition as possible. That will also help in case your company decides to do a little investigating.

It sucks, but everyone on this site needs to recognize that most people out there are not going to have much sympathy for gay guys engaging in bareback sex with multiple partners and potentially spreading HIV and other STDs. They're especially not going to offer much sympathy if there are drugs involved. And people in high visibility positions are especially vulnerable. (Case in point.) Conduct yourself accordingly.

[PhoenixGeoff]

He'd be an utter fool with a death wish to try anything at that point, right?

The problem is, he may well be.

[rubio2001]

This guy comes over, you discuss wanting to do drugs, he uses your phone to call a drug dealer, you give him money with instructions to go get the drugs and come back.

How exactly do you think that conversation is going to go with the cops?

Don't do anything. Sounds like he's a flake and most likely he'll go away.