Advice for a conflicted young man

[behindonestep]

Hi random strangers of the internet! I'm a young poz (5 years now) bottom in Pittsburgh, PA. When I contracted, I was 21 and I had only slept with 10 or so guys by that point (pathetic, I know). Since I was diagnosed, I've slept with guys on and off, but never to the extent I desire. Shortly after sex I tend to feel anxiety about my health, etc. So far (knock on wood) I'm undetectable, but I've always had a weak immune system. I'm young, want to live more, but need encouragement one way or another to become a true cumdump, or just accept the loads of occasional men I sleep with (a couple a year). I know where most of you are leaning on that....but I need an answer knowing that I don't wanna catch something untreatable.

Anyway, I know it's a depressing conversation, but once I feel I know what i should do....Here is what I'd like:

1) If I'm NOT encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a top near me who isn't concerned with me being HIV positive.

2) If i AM encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a few tops (not necessarily near me), who can take me out and get me loaded up/gangbanged. I'll travel if need be. I prefer hot, in shape guys, but who cares if I'm blindfolded.

[Guest GoodExercise]

Go for the second option. You need to be a cumdump -- it is who you are inside. Go for the gold.

[fuckboy20]

Hi random strangers of the internet! I'm a young poz (5 years now) bottom in Pittsburgh, PA. When I contracted, I was 21 and I had only slept with 10 or so guys by that point (pathetic, I know). Since I was diagnosed, I've slept with guys on and off, but never to the extent I desire. Shortly after sex I tend to feel anxiety about my health, etc. So far (knock on wood) I'm undetectable, but I've always had a weak immune system. I'm young, want to live more, but need encouragement one way or another to become a true cumdump, or just accept the loads of occasional men I sleep with (a couple a year). I know where most of you are leaning on that....but I need an answer knowing that I don't wanna catch something untreatable.

Anyway, I know it's a depressing conversation, but once I feel I know what i should do....Here is what I'd like:

1) If I'm NOT encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a top near me who isn't concerned with me being HIV positive.

2) If i AM encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a few tops (not necessarily near me), who can take me out and get me loaded up/gangbanged. I'll travel if need be. I prefer hot, in shape guys, but who cares if I'm blindfolded.

Hmm. Sounds like we are in similar situations.

Like yourself I'm also younger. I'm 23 and became poz this year. I stopped having sex for a while after because of fear and a little guilt and just unsure. I'm back to having sex but no where near as much as I did before. But that's partially by choice. To be a cum dump or not that is the question. It's a good idea to talk to other cum dumps to ask about that one. I'm not quite sure if I want to be one right now. Or maybe not so much a public or communal cumdump. Even though it sounds hot. You'd be surprised. I currently see a neg top a few times a week. When we first talked I told him I was neg and he was okay with it. One thing that you might or might not realize about being poz and a bottom is I think some tops find that more attractive. Whether they are poz, undetectable, or neg. Some bottoms tease about wanting to get fucked raw or play it and don't even take loads. Tops don't like bottoms that bullshit like that. The fact that there are guys like you and me which take raw cock and take loads does please tops.

Obviously the question is finding them. But since you are young you still have lots of time. There are lots of people out there. I don't know what the PA area is like but try sites like breeding zone or even location based apps if you have a smart phone. On some location based apps I put that I'm poz in the profile and some I don't have a picture and do something like, "versbb". Then people can contact you if they are interested. But I think you'll definitely find a top whether he's poz or not that will want you and want to use you regularly.

I don't have experience on number 2. Well I did do that once. A guy took me to the baths and had me go off with certain guys and get fucked or bring guys into the room and they'd both fuck me or he'd watch. It was just a couple of guys though not like a room full of guys. But it was a hot experience. But I'm sure there are people who can relate to that one more than I can.

As for STD's and diseases. I haven't really gotten those only one once when I was younger and I even played safe back then. But if you are on meds and have good health insurance I wouldn't worry too much about catching something. Most are treatable as long as you detect them early.

Best of luck

From one young poz pig to another

[rawTOP]

Moderation Note: I just moved this to the "What is it like to be poz?" section of the site. I didn't want a discussion like this to become buried in General Discussion. And the question is part of the poz experience - so it's not a completely inappropriate place to put it.

---

Now, as far as the original question... What you're really asking is whether poz guys should just be cumdumps. My dick says yes poz guys should just take any and all loads. But Hep C can be nasty if you don't respond well to the meds and if the antibiotics stop working and the nasty strain of gonorrhea gets widespread then that could be pretty bad too.

The question really comes down to what's right for you... Which will you regret most? Doing something you later think was stupid or not experiencing everything you want in life? Would you rather live a long boring life or a short, intense life?

[MountainBound]

How about living a long and intense life. I like my cake and I eat it too!!! I have been poz for close to 20 years. I might not live to be 100, but I will live long enough to know retirement, old age and probably do things I have not yet done, like get fucked by another few hundred guys. Dude - RawTop is right about one thing: what is right for you. I enjoy being fucked and I get fucked almost always when I want it. I dont think I am a cum dump, but I dont mind being one if I am. My point is that it works for me and I enjoy the amount of cock I get (about four or five times a week). It is up to you and I have been undectable all this time except for when I went off meds. So make up your mind and live life on your terms!!

[wood]

Hi random strangers of the internet! I'm a young poz (5 years now) bottom in Pittsburgh, PA. When I contracted, I was 21 and I had only slept with 10 or so guys by that point (pathetic, I know). Since I was diagnosed, I've slept with guys on and off, but never to the extent I desire. Shortly after sex I tend to feel anxiety about my health, etc. So far (knock on wood) I'm undetectable, but I've always had a weak immune system. I'm young, want to live more, but need encouragement one way or another to become a true cumdump, or just accept the loads of occasional men I sleep with (a couple a year). I know where most of you are leaning on that....but I need an answer knowing that I don't wanna catch something untreatable.

Anyway, I know it's a depressing conversation, but once I feel I know what i should do....Here is what I'd like:

1) If I'm NOT encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a top near me who isn't concerned with me being HIV positive.

2) If i AM encouraged to be a cumdump, I'd like to find a few tops (not necessarily near me), who can take me out and get me loaded up/gangbanged. I'll travel if need be. I prefer hot, in shape guys, but who cares if I'm blindfolded.

IMO you need to make your life about more than sex. Also while its an unpopular opinion on here, you can also have sex with condoms if you are worried about catching other STD's. Also I think in your case you may be happier in a relationship with one man than sleeping around.

I say this a lot on here, but there is more to life than just sex.

[GermanFucker]

Excuse my harshness, but:

If you need encouragement from strangers on the internet you shouldn't have sex all.

Sex should be about doing something you enjoy, not something you got talked into. Should poz guys just be cumdumps? No, they should be whatever the fuck they damn well please. Same as neg guys. Same as everyone. HIV doesn't change a damn fucking thing when it comes to your elementary right of self-determination. If you want to be a cumdump, be a cumdump. If you want to seek enlightenment, do that. YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICE.

[PhoenixGeoff]

OK, let's think this situation through, because I think there's more going on here than you let on.

First, you say you converted when you were 21 after sleeping with "only" ten guys. You call that "pathetic". And you worry that your early conversion may be due to a weaker than normal immune system.

But you're proceeding from a false premise (that the strength or weakness of the immune system affects how likely you are to convert). You don't know that. In fact, based on what you've said, I'm not even sure you really know if you have a weaker than normal immune system. (Is that a doctor's medical opinion based on testing? Or just your own hunch based on your observation of your health?)

What we do know is that neg guys taking poz loads up their ass is kind of like playing Russian Roulette. It's entirely possible that you might play Russian Roulette indefinitely and never get the chamber with the bullet. Likewise, you might take load after load and still test negative. On the other hand, you might convert after getting fucked and bred just once. We're dealing with probabilities here, which means that we're looking at averages across a population. But individual members of that population (like you) might very well be outliers even though they're otherwise perfectly healthy. There's a very strong element of chance at work here.

And if we look at the next bit of information you provided, the fact that your viral load is undetectable, it would seem to me that your meds are working and your immune system is holding up just fine. (We'd need to know your CD4 counts to be sure, but I suspect that they're in the normal range. Otherwise your doctor would be freaking out).

So might I suggest that there's something else going on here.

If I had to guess (and it's only a guess; I'm not a trained counselor of any kind) I'd wager that you're still adjusting to the news that you're now HIV+ five years after the fact. The long period of time shouldn't really be a surprise. After all, HIV is a massive life changing event, and a very scary one at that. Moreover, it's all tied up with our culture's sexual mores (which we, as pretty promiscuous gay men flagrantly break all the time). From the time the AIDS crisis began, there's always been a pretty strong message, sometimes openly stated, but more often just assumed, that because we break sexual taboos, we somehow brought HIV upon ourselves and deserve to suffer the consequences.'

Of course, no one here would say they believe anything that silly. HIV is simply a virus looking to survive and reproduce, just like all other viruses. If you happen to catch a cold, do you blame yourself for your manifold sins against hygiene and handwashing? Of course not; you simply do what you have to do to deal with it and carry on. The only reason HIV is different is because it's sexually transmitted and it's concentrated in the gay community, so it gets all this other bullshit drawn in. But you must remember, it's just a virus like any other. You do what you have to do to take care of it and carry on.

I think a lot of the rest of your conflict comes from a similar place. I have no idea what kind of upbringing you had, but we often see social enforcement of cultural rules around sexuality directed at weaker or lower status groups. Thus a woman who sleeps around is a slut, but a straight man who does the exact same thing gets a pass. Likewise, the fact that promiscuity is more prevalent among gay men is used as an excuse to justify all sorts of retaliation against us, from the fairly common view that we're inherently dirty and disease ridden (and note how even gay men will call themselves "clean" to mean "HIV-") to the interpretation of HIV as a divine judgment.

You're getting a lot of mixed messages right now. Your family probably hopes you settle into a monogamous relationship (if indeed they've accepted your sexuality). The whole gay marriage movement is pushing the same idea: that we should marry, settle down, be monogamous and live like everyone else. On the other hand, within the gay community there's the older, more sexually active culture still out there. It's been suppressed in the wake of HIV, but there's plenty of evidence to show that it's still out there. Look at baths, online cruising sites, porn, this very site. All of these are pushing the idea that having all the sex you want with anyone you want is perfectly fine, normal even.

So you really are getting conflicting messages from all directions, including from within the gay community itself. Add to that a sense of guilt over contracting HIV (because yes, society does indeed send the message that HIV is our "fault" rather than a disease) and it's no wonder you're going through all this.

So what do you do about it?

My advice is to slow down and give yourself time to think all of this through for yourself. Figure out what's real, and what's deeply entrenched homophobia. You're 26 years old. If you decide you want to go be a pig, you have years and years to go be a pig ahead of you. If you decide you want a monogamous relationship, you've got tons of time for that. But the important part is you have to figure out what is right for you. And if what's right for you bucks the social consensus about acceptable and unacceptable sexual behavior, well then fuck society!

One of the things that's kind of hard about being gay, but also incredibly rewarding, is that the normal rules of behavior don't apply to us. It's hard because there's all this social pressure to conform...that's what keep some guys in the closet for decades. But it's rewarding because you have opportunities to rewrite the rulebook for yourself that straight guys will never have. But it takes a little work to get there, and in the end, your rulebook may be somewhat different from mine, because we're all kind of making it up as we go along. We lose moral certainty, but we gain a lot of freedom. But it can be very stressful.

So buck up. I think you're doing just fine. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll come out alright in the end.

Hope this made some sense.

[PhoenixGeoff]

On the topic of Hep C that RawTop brought up, that too is a virus, not a moral judgment. However, unfortunately treatment for Hep C is both better and worse than treatment for HIV. Better in the sense that it's possible that it can be cured completely. Worse in the sense that there really aren't any alternatives besides the one course of treatment, and that course of treatment is absolutely horrendous to go through. Sheer torture.

Now, there is another consideration here. And that is that there seems to be evidence that Hep C is only very rarely (much more rarely than HIV) transmitted sexually, if at all. It's carried in the blood, so the most common way you would catch it is either (1) if you're an IV drug user and you share your syringes with someone infected (never, never, NEVER do this...always use fresh brand new syringes for each and every slam) or (2) there's someone infected with Hep C in your household and infected blood is somehow transmitted via something like a shared razor or toothbrush; Hep C is much better than HIV at surviving outside of the body.

So those are the vectors I'd be addressing first to prevent Hep C infection. Now, you may also want to consider changing your sexual behavior as well. Basically, you have to factor it into your risk assessment when you're trying to figure out if the benefits of barebacking outweigh the risks. Personally, I believe that the potential for Hep C infection doesn't really change things all that much; that particular risk is fairly small. But you might come to a different conclusion.

[sfversboi]

Just do what you feel you want, ever guy has a different view depending on how being pozzed has affected him. If you want to fuck raw, do it. You can get shots for Hep B and C. And then test every few months for STDs. But if you like raw sex go for it. Some guys live a long life with HIV, others don't. Most guys don't die from HIV, but other issues, like a heart attach, etc. HIV does stress other your other organs and so do the Meds you can take to go undectible.

Just make the choice you feel comfortable with. Raw sex is natural and lots of guys do it every day.

[behindonestep]

So, first off, a big thank you to all the people who responded. I've thought about my life long and hard, and yes I must admit that mascmountainman was right...I was conflicted for a long time, and likely still am; however, that said, I'm trying to view my life differently. I realize I am poz, and no anxiety will remove that fact. I do love being loaded up and having lots of sex...but I want love, too...and I think part of my problem was that I viewed these two things as distinct opposites. I'm starting to realize that there can be a middle ground. I can be more careful who I sleep with...be piggy occasionally if I feel like it, but I don't have to discount love.

There is always a risk to contract something else...but that's just a risk. If it happens...I can deal with it then. There is no use wallowing in doubt or looking back and saying "if only..." I believe my mind is made up on this subject. I want to be a slutty lil cumdump, and I'm happy to find love as well. They're not exclusive occurrences. I don't have to feel pressured to be either.

Again, thank you sirs for helping me