Moving on....

[losttop]

Was in relationship with guy that kind of changed me....although we were together for only about a year, we broke up several times.... Which is a sign I guess that things r not going to work out. Put a lot into this relationship.... Emotionally and financially.... I went from being this confident no nonsense top to this needy submissive person. Looking back, he was very controlling.... Although we had open relationship he always wanted to know when I had hooked up with someone.... Whenever I showed profile of one of my FBs he would always dismiss it.... Like I could only get unattractive guys and his guys were so much better. He would also criticize how I dressed and behaved.... We would have quite often have problems when we went drinking to bars.... He also has slapped me few times.... Something I thought I would never allow someone to do...find it now hard to pick up my life and move on... I have good job and good friends who stay by me and who always said I was crazy to be with this person.... He does not work.... Most of everything was paid by me. He was also not particularly a love god....he has handsome face, but his body is kind of out of shape.... Nothing of that really mattered as when I love someone the physical part is not that important... As he was very outgoing.... It was very easy for him to make contact with others.... While I'm more shy when I go out with my bf. with my friends I'm much more outgoing.... What hurts me is that he paints me now as this horrible,arrogant,manipulative dismissive person, while the opposite is the truth....am now in new city and find it hard to connect.... Have been having trouble having sex with others and find it even harder to make platonic friends...feel still kind of dead inside.... Hope it will change...as he seems to have moved on pretty quickly which is a sign that he never really cared for me in first place...

[drscorpio]

First, getting established in a new city is always hard even without all of this bothering you. It may take several months to two years for you to have the support network you need, so you need to prepare for a long haul. If there are some LGBTQ organizations you could join, that would be a good start on making connections. I'm glad you reached out to us here though. We aren't going anywhere, so keep sharing with us.

Second, consider getting some counseling. It sounds like this guy has done a lot of damage to your self-confidence and self-esteem. A professional can help you work through all of that more quickly.

[losttop]

First, getting established in a new city is always hard even without all of this bothering you. It may take several months to two years for you to have the support network you need, so you need to prepare for a long haul. If there are some LGBTQ organizations you could join, that would be a good start on making connections. I'm glad you reached out to us here though. We aren't going anywhere, so keep sharing with us.

Second, consider getting some counseling. It sounds like this guy has done a lot of damage to your self-confidence and self-esteem. A professional can help you work through all of that more quickly.

It's good thing I have some good friends with who I can vent.... It's amazing but few of them said straight away after seeing me with him, that he looked like a self scentered cold type of person.... Little by little he was taking away all my confidence...he made me feel like he was better than me while I have good job and he doesn't...I am putting myself out there and making contact with other people.... Which is hard for me as I tend to be quite shy when I'm on my own.... Except in sexclubs and sexpartys where I tend to be very much at ease.... Sex seems to work for me like natural drug.... It boosts my confidence big time! He even tried to make me feel fat while I have waist 30! And my t side is small.... I know I can overcome this.... Just wish I had finished it long time ago!

[BC_Bottom]

Good for you getting out.

Always remember. Looks fade, asshole is forever.

[Walkerth139]

It will take time, but you will be stronger and better in the long run. Glad you got away from this prick.

[NastyRigPig]

Listen to your friends, it sounds like they have a good pulse on what was going on.

I agree that you might benefit from some counselling, but I do understand that it can be pricey.

And, if I might offer some advice. Don't be in a hurry to date or have casual sex. It sounds to me like your still vulnerable, and I'd be afraid of being played again. Take some time with yourself, go do some healthy things that interest you, maybe even blog/journal (anonymously of course) about whatyou feel amd where you're at emotionally. Asmen we have a tendency to subvert our feelings and emotions, and it sounds like that'd be bad for yoi right now. You need to figure out why you let someone make you feel like this, otherwise you might get back in a similar situation.

[AlwaysOpen]

You don't have a location in your profile on here- might help if you do that along with many other steps. If nothing else, it may let a guy also in your city know you are a possible date, or at the least a fling.And if you were living in S Florida when all the crap happened- welcome to the circle-- it seems almost everyone I know down here has had their turn in the turnstile with either a user or a psycho --mine was 13 years ago,( I got the psycho!) and I still find it difficult to find anyone to date- but lots of partnered guys willing to drop by and play now and then--. Maybe you are in a different city, and the guys are a little different - rely on your friends, and keep things lite for a while- someone may know a man looking for a guy just like you

[losttop]

Listen to your friends, it sounds like they have a good pulse on what was going on.

I agree that you might benefit from some counselling, but I do understand that it can be pricey.

And, if I might offer some advice. Don't be in a hurry to date or have casual sex. It sounds to me like your still vulnerable, and I'd be afraid of being played again. Take some time with yourself, go do some healthy things that interest you, maybe even blog/journal (anonymously of course) about whatyou feel amd where you're at emotionally. Asmen we have a tendency to subvert our feelings and emotions, and it sounds like that'd be bad for yoi right now. You need to figure out why you let someone make you feel like this, otherwise you might get back in a similar situation.

Slowly.... I'm trying to pick up my life.... The other day I had sex with guy in sexclub...although it was nice while it lasted.... I felt empty and sad when I got home. Won't jump into anything that quickly.... Will keep it simple to only sex encounters for time being and casual dates for at least 6 months.

[rawjock]

losttop,

First let me say, you did the right thing consulting friends, family, and even total strangers on the Internet. I do the very same thing. In my experience, eliciting the snap decisions and distance judgments of people who know little to nothing about the object of your choice, or you, or even both is absolutely the finest way to make a reasoned informed decision. In fact, the value of the fickle consensus of the "herd" as a deciding criteria increases as the importance of your choice increases. Use this simple comparator to see what I mean:

Choice to be made | Importance of the opinions of the uninformed

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The latest fashions (makes me look fat yes/no) | Very important

Haircut (Need I say more?) | Super very important

Life partner (thumbs up/down) | Vital. Don't make a move without this input

Second, who knows better you and your partner; your inner-most thoughts, intentions, and aspirations alone and together, especially in the private moments when things are not looking so good, or one of you is in great need? Arms-length parties and total strangers, of course! Certainly, not you or your partner. It was wise of you to remove the both of you from the making of this decision. You would have almost certainly chosen incorrectly. Don't' trust yourself. That's the motto here.

Third, Bravo for moving immediately to another city. Nothing helps to cement in yours and others' minds the correctness of well considered decision than great distance and the enormous trouble and expense it adds to any foolish attempt to reconsider. Another way to look at this is to realize what you have done is a time honored combat tactic. It's called "retreat". But, you have enhanced this old trick with the brilliance of a of master such as Stalin by compounding your partner's experience of the break-up with the emotional impact of the suddenness (or secret forethought, you didn't' specify) of your departure. That will teach him! This is more than simply the retreat tactic; it is the Scorched Earth Strategy. Way to go for thinking strategically in your relationship! As we all know, love is war, and if you don't win you loose.

Last point, For Crying Out Load - don't listen to me or anyone else on here! Please, slow down. Stop scorching and moving, and asking anyone who can speak or type their opinion, and get to a professional. Build trust with that person so that you are able to share freely and unreservedly what is really going on for you. If you aren't getting that with the professional you find at first - find another. When you find someone who "gets" you - and you know what I mean by that, I think - then put stock in that person's opinion. My guess is, he or she will, help you to build up a sense of trusting in yourself, then turn the tables, and show you that yours is the only opinion that will ever matter.

[bbjoca]

Wow, rawjock I really love the way you say things Good man!

[losttop]

losttop,

First let me say, you did the right thing consulting friends, family, and even total strangers on the Internet. I do the very same thing. In my experience, eliciting the snap decisions and distance judgments of people who know little to nothing about the object of your choice, or you, or even both is absolutely the finest way to make a reasoned informed decision. In fact, the value of the fickle consensus of the "herd" as a deciding criteria increases as the importance of your choice increases. Use this simple comparator to see what I mean:

Choice to be made | Importance of the opinions of the uninformed

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The latest fashions (makes me look fat yes/no) | Very important

Haircut (Need I say more?) | Super very important

Life partner (thumbs up/down) | Vital. Don't make a move without this input

Second, who knows better you and your partner; your inner-most thoughts, intentions, and aspirations alone and together, especially in the private moments when things are not looking so good, or one of you is in great need? Arms-length parties and total strangers, of course! Certainly, not you or your partner. It was wise of you to remove the both of you from the making of this decision. You would have almost certainly chosen incorrectly. Don't' trust yourself. That's the motto here.

Third, Bravo for moving immediately to another city. Nothing helps to cement in yours and others' minds the correctness of well considered decision than great distance and the enormous trouble and expense it adds to any foolish attempt to reconsider. Another way to look at this is to realize what you have done is a time honored combat tactic. It's called "retreat". But, you have enhanced this old trick with the brilliance of a of master such as Stalin by compounding your partner's experience of the break-up with the emotional impact of the suddenness (or secret forethought, you didn't' specify) of your departure. That will teach him! This is more than simply the retreat tactic; it is the Scorched Earth Strategy. Way to go for thinking strategically in your relationship! As we all know, love is war, and if you don't win you loose.

Last point, For Crying Out Load - don't listen to me or anyone else on here! Please, slow down. Stop scorching and moving, and asking anyone who can speak or type their opinion, and get to a professional. Build trust with that person so that you are able to share freely and unreservedly what is really going on for you. If you aren't getting that with the professional you find at first - find another. When you find someone who "gets" you - and you know what I mean by that, I think - then put stock in that person's opinion. My guess is, he or she will, help you to build up a sense of trusting in yourself, then turn the tables, and show you that yours is the only opinion that will ever matter.

Dear rawjock,

If u read well.... I'm not asking for any advise but I'm venting....I know that in the end decision lay on our shoulders.... We moved together to strange city only for him to leave me there stranded....which in my eyes is unforgivable.... It's not a battle and its certainly not about winning sympathy votes....it's just amazing that people can be so cold sometimes.... Don't need counseling....just need to get this off my chest.... I will move on.... But it will take time as my trust has been betrayed.... Slowly moving on.... Hooked up with 2 guys yesterday.... But I still don't feel very interested in sleeping with anyone.... Guess its still too fresh....

P