I think I'm going to test poz... Scared, confused and don't know what to do.

[AgentColby]

Well, the Planned Parenthood test results came back and they were posted to the online patient portal system that they now have available. It's no surprise that the test results were positive. So, that settles that. I am HIV positive. I need to schedule a date to go in and discuss the results with them. I'll keep you guys posted on what's next. Thank you so much to everyone who has been commenting on this thread and helping to calm me down and offer some advice as to what to do next.

Hi Poptronic. I do not participate much on this site as I find majority of the discussion to be a bit "crazy" and "false" but i felt compelled to respond to you.

Let me first start by saying that the news of being POZ is unfortunate but really, you will be alright. I can share my experience and hopefully it will help you.

I was tested poz when I was 29. I am 32 now. The person who infected me was someone who lied about his status (we both got tested at the same time). Although I had been BBing for years, I had always kept it to men I knew well but with such risk, things are bound to happen.

The news for me was shocking yet not surprising. I remember when I was told, I honestly went deaf for the rest of the appointmemt. I was not in shock per se, but felt I was in another world, almost like a dream. That night, I took a long walk home and called my best friend. I knew I was going to fine but I just needed to process the news.

Lucky for me, I had poz friends so I knew I would be in good hands. I called a poz friend and he referred me to his doctor and I immediately made an appt for that week. The doctor was just amazing and eased a lot of my concerns (i.e. meds, regimen, cost, side effects.etc etc). I immediately went on a cocktail that took me to undetectable in 4 weeks and once I got there, went to two pills. I now only take 1 pill a day.

As for insurance and cost. I am fortunate to have a corporate career. I have a well paid job that offers great benefits so the cost of my pills are $0.

Based on my experience a few advice I can give you:

- Doctor: Get a doctor who specializes in HIV care and even better if he is well versed in gay men's health. My doc is a gay man and I have a completely honest relationship with him. I am honest about everything and he knows I actively BB and do not use condoms. With that information, he knows what to do when I see him.

- Get in touch with AHF. If your insurance allows you to get your pills from them, go to AHF. They are just amazing and they take out all the worries in getting meds, paying for meds, and dealing with insurance. They really take care of everything and only thing you have to do is pick up your meds.

- Insurace: In your current insurance, switch to PPO. This allows you to see anyone you want and gives you extra coverage. If you have a job that has medicore insurance, find a new job that provides excellent insurance.

- Live in a city with high % of poz men. You are already doing this as you live in NYC/NJ. One year after getting diagnosed, I moved back to NYC. It is easier to meet people in your situation and overall just makes things better.

- Therapy: if you can, might be good idea to see a shrink. The hardest thing about being poz is not the meds or the health stuff but the mental stuff. Even though I have been poz for a few years, I still have moments of regrets and sadness. Also, loneliness is common. My experience so far has shown me that being poz means dealing with rejections and it is hard to make connection with other poz guys as too many want sex and sex and more sex. Hard to meet poz men for more serious things.

I hope my experience helps. I sincerely mean it when it I said you will be ok. HIV today is much different from what it used to be. You aren't going to die. My health is no different from what it was before I became poz. In fact, i find myself taking better care of myself. I have not experienced any side effts or gotten sick.

I wish you all the luck.

[bustanutinyourgut]

First of all, you will be fine. And you don't need to start meds the second you are diagnosed, but as soon as you can get them and stay on them.

it is VERY RARE that meds won't work for you. VERY RARE. i wouldnt worry about that.

There are many options - but Isentress/Truvada is very well tolerated- perhaps more so than any other regimen. It is a well studies "newer" regimen. It is two separate meds (isentress is taken twice daily). The is a new medicine that combined the Truvada and a similar drug, but it is newer and I like to wait a bit longer before trying something new. Again, you can talk with your doctor, but if you can afford it Truvada/Isentress (please take it twice a day not two pills at once it doesnt work as good this way!) is a great, well tolerated option with lots of good data to back it up. Talk with your doctor as any health problems you might already have can determine the best medicine for you.

If you dont think you can tell your family right now thats OK. Only tell them when you are ready as people can freak out. If there is no one you can talk to (it feels REALLY GOOD to be able to get this off your chest), find a counselor if you can find/afford one. Its very rare that people will shun you once they find out - but I have heard of it happening. I don't know what to tell you about that, but you will definitely find out who your true friends are once you tell them based on how they act.

Your previous PEP won't matter. As long as it was out of your system by the time you got infected, it will not effect meds moving forward. Even if it was in your system, very unlikely it will matter. Dont sweat it.

As far as re-infection goes, it is something to think about. Standard answer is always play safe - even with other poz guys. Well......I suppose that is OK advice. It is uncommon for guys to get resistant strains. Not impossible, though. You might get a normal strain and probably will never know since the meds you take will likely work for both.

I would be more worried (or at least as worried) about other STI including HEP C. Please get tested for HEP C and Tuberculosis and Syphillis/Gono etc regularly if you are having unprotected sex. Especially HEP C if you parTy with guys who slam/use IV drugs. You cant always tell by looking at someone if they have HEPC or HIV. HEPC is very treatable and curable in most, but dont let it go. Same with syphillis (very curable). Don't do injection drugs. Ever. BooTy bump is "safer" than injecting or even smoking (fucks lungs up much quicker than smoking but probably not too bad for infrequent users).

In my opinion, be "selective" about who you sleep with, but something has got to kill you, so you might as well enjoy bareback sex. It does feel awesome!

Do your homework and be persistent when asking for help/fighting for your access to meds. Be persistent, plan ahead, and never skip your appointments. People will want to help you if they like you, and missing or not showing up for appointments is a red flag.

Find a good HIV social worker - they can work miracles.

You will be fine. Try to find SOMEONE TO TALK TO - if you feel comfortable. It helps ALOT!!!!!!

MAKE SURE YOU TELL ALL PARTNERS YOU ARE POZ. IN MOST STATES IT IS A FELONY TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT TELLING THEM. Right or wrong that is the law. Most guys are cool and will still sleep with you. Don't end up in prison because you withheld info from them. Its not only wrong, but it can really bite you in the ass.

Especially take it easy on drugs and alcohol - you dont need to totally avoid these unless you are easily addicted to things as many poz guys drown their sorrows with boze and drugs to avoid life which only makes it worse in the end for many. Again, some guys can drink/party and keep their shit together. Some cant. Know which one you are!.

Enjoy your sex life - it will be good and you dont have to worry about HIV any longer!

Give yourself time, it may take months/years until you are comfortable with everything. But you will do well and live a long life if you take care of yourself.

Best of luck- you'll do great!

Edited January 22, 2014 by rawTOP

[rawTOP]

@BustANutInYourGut - A few comments…

My understanding is that the difference between starting immediately and starting before <300-350 is that HIV may not get established in the weird little places that it likes to hide out in your body. So when people talk about possible cures for HIV that actually get rid of HIV completely, they always say it will be easiest on people who started immediately. So then the question becomes how much damage does HIV hiding out in obscure places really do to your body?

I'm a little skeptical of your claim that the immune system can basically get tired and may not respond after a while. That's sorta the opposite of what I've heard previously. One study basically found that poz guys who took poz loads (and hence had repeated exposure to other strains of HIV) had lower viral loads because the new strains of HIV exercised their immune system and created a stronger immune response which in turn lowered their viral load from their own strain of HIV.

Age is also a factor. If someone is mid-40s. The difference between something that will keep you alive for 40 years vs something that will keep you alive for 60 years is rather academic since it's unlikely you'll live for 60 years anyway.

Even though I'm on PrEP, I'm actually quite skeptical of the pharma industry. There is so much outright lying by the pharma industry. Studies that contradict their message never get released, etc. Just today I called my doctor asking if some pain I was having could possibly be a side effect of Truvada. I'm actually thinking of going off PrEP for a week or two to see if my symptoms go away. I'm extremely conservative when it comes to taking meds. So I think the possible side effects could outweigh the benefits of early treatment. Mind you, that argument is becoming less of an issue as ARVs get safer, but still I'd hesitate to tell someone to go on something that powerful when their immune system isn't all that compromised.

And lastly, I personally think it's valuable to see how your particular body responds to HIV. Some people are "HIV controllers" and honestly won't need meds for years, etc.

[VersatileBreeder]

Thanks for your response, AgentColby. I have already gone and made an appointment with a doctor that is part of an infectious disease specialist group said to be one of the best in the area for dealing with HIV. I am sure that this doctor will have all the resources necessary to find how I can afford meds. Because of the job that I am going to have in New Jersey in September (it is a state job), I will be required to live within the state as per new state legislation (thanks Gov. Christie), so moving to NYC is not really viable (or affordable) for me right now.

I am dealing with this reasonably well considering how fresh the news is. This is only 6 days ago, I saw the faint line poz test. Between then and now, I have been able to go to work (that first night at work was rough and I was like a zombie, but that was it). I have been able to see friends and family and act like my old self without triggering any thoughts of "is something wrong?" So, once I get all this sorted out with the doc and the meds, I am sure it will be totally fine. Thanks again and stay in touch.

[tboyer]

There are many good suggestions here for you, and there is the positive aspect to being positive, I get more positive attention when I go out to the bars with a bio hazard t-shirt

than when I don't. I am in San Francisco so that's probably part of the reason,

[bustanutinyourgut]

@BustANutInYourGut - A few comments…

My understanding is that the difference between starting immediately and starting before <300-350 is that HIV may not get established in the weird little places that it likes to hide out in your body. So when people talk about possible cures for HIV that actually get rid of HIV completely, they always say it will be easiest on people who started immediately. So then the question becomes how much damage does HIV hiding out in obscure places really do to your body?

I'm a little skeptical of your claim that the immune system can basically get tired and may not respond after a while. That's sorta the opposite of what I've heard previously. One study basically found that poz guys who took poz loads (and hence had repeated exposure to other strains of HIV) had lower viral loads because the new strains of HIV exercised their immune system and created a stronger immune response which in turn lowered their viral load from their own strain of HIV.

Age is also a factor. If someone is mid-40s. The difference between something that will keep you alive for 40 years vs something that will keep you alive for 60 years is rather academic since it's unlikely you'll live for 60 years anyway.

Even though I'm on PrEP, I'm actually quite skeptical of the pharma industry. There is so much outright lying by the pharma industry. Studies that contradict their message never get released, etc. Just today I called my doctor asking if some pain I was having could possibly be a side effect of Truvada. I'm actually thinking of going off PrEP for a week or two to see if my symptoms go away. I'm extremely conservative when it comes to taking meds. So I think the possible side effects could outweigh the benefits of early treatment. Mind you, that argument is becoming less of an issue as ARVs get safer, but still I'd hesitate to tell someone to go on something that powerful when their immune system isn't all that compromised.

And lastly, I personally think it's valuable to see how your particular body responds to HIV. Some people are "HIV controllers" and honestly won't need meds for years, etc.

Great questions. A majority of (or at least a large part) your immune system is in your GI tract is it has a large surface area and needs to constantly fight off infections. The damage from unchecked HIV is real. It is harder to cure with a bigger viral reservoir, but the main idea is to keep the total amount of virus in the body to a minimum. This maximizes immune function. This extends life.

Great point about guys who take frequent loads to "work out" the immune system. This is reasonable and probably something to it - but only probably for guys who are on meds. See there is working out and then there is trying to lift a MAC truck and tearing the shit out of your muscles. You need to allow your body to rest at some point. Uncontrolled HIV infection keeps your immune system turned on all the time - no rest - no recouperation. It wears you down quickly. it will kill you in 10 years or so if you are not on meds.

If you are on meds - those loads/viral exposures do expose you to SMALL AMOUNTS OF VIRUS WHICH REMIND THE IMMUNE SYSTEM WHAT HIV LOOKS LIKE AND ARE THEN QUICKLY CONTROLLED BY THE MEDS. This is different then your own infection constantly attacking your immune cells 24/7.

Try lifting weights to the MAX twice a day for the rest of your life and you will destroy your body. Your body needs rest. Meds give it rest. Taking loads WHILE ON MEDS may very well exercise the immune system. I'll buy that. But the meds and your body quickly suppress the new infection. If you are not on meds, you are just adding fuel to the fire.

Your immune system can remember infections it has seen already. After the first time the immune cells interact with something that matches their receptors a "switch" is turned on which makes it easier to "re-activate" that cell so the next time it sees the invader its ready to go. Your body can forget over time however - think of your tetanus vaccine. You need one every 10 years. Why? The immune system needs reminded what tetanus looks like since it doesn't see it every day. I can see this happening with HIV in men who are suppressed long term on meds.

I think staying on meds and taking poz loads is OK. I'm not to worried about it. Who knows, like you say it may be good for you!

There is a set number of times a single immune cell can replicate before it kicks the bucket. Cells age and get less and less healthy as they age just as people do. You will kill cells if you "work them out" 24/7 for years and years. Meds prevent you from doing this.

Very few people are "Elite controllers" or "long-term non-progressors" and will live much longer than average without meds. These are quite rare, and you will be able to tell most likely based on viral load at time of diagnosis. Not always. I would not take a 1 in 100 or 1000 or whatever chance that you dont need meds. Docs are now arguing about starting meds in these folks too. Some say yes, some say no. Even these "Elite controllers" or "long-term non-progressors" have only one immune system and will eventually die - almost without exception - it just takes longer.

A healthy 40 year old on meds can expect to live near normal/normal life expectancy if he is undetectable. A 40 year old who isnt well controlled will most likely not. Cancer/heart disease/infections all take people before they should go.

Newer meds have minimal side effects (for many/most) and risking your life or health because you think you can beat the odds is, on average, not going to turn out well. Just look at Vegas, all those buildings and things, that is from gamblers' money that they LOST.

I hate to say it, but if you are off meds, on average , almost without exception, THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS. You loose And its your life not just poker chips.

[bearbandit]

The only worries that I have at this point are:

1) Of course, the most paramount worry- my health. And of course that the treatment will be effective and that I won't be the "special" case that doesn't respond to treatment.

2) That I will be able to afford the meds or at least be able to find some kind of assistance program to make them affordable.

3) Keeping this a secret from my family/friends. They cannot know. I and they will be devastated if they find out.

4) The fact that I was on PEP from another encounter 5-6 months ago, worried that that treatment could interfere with further treatments going forward. Is that a valid worry?

5) Playing with guys going forward. Worried about the possibility of re-infection.

Any advice on those worries guys?

1) I suppose you could call me a "special case" given the number of problems I've had from the drugs. However, I must stress that if my doctor had been more interested in my blood results other than CD4 and viral load, I would be fine: I don't believe in suing the NHS as it potentially takes funds away from other people's treatment. But the bastard was negligent. The drug problem was a 1 in 100,000 chance. The current (third) generation of drugs are safe, easy to take and have a low side effect profile.

2) The third generation drugs are beginning to come out of patent so generics may well be available before long, at a much lower price than the manufacturers have been gouging out of us.

3) Say nothing. If you get caught taking meds, you're taking a vitamin supplement, or if they see the pack, you've got a blood disorder that you don't want to worry other people about, so let's just keep it between us, huh?

4) PEP six months ago would have no bearing at all on any future treatments. By the time you got your little passenger, the PEP drugs would have been out of your system for months and so wouldn't affect the way a new drug regime worked.

5) First goal is to get your viral load undetectable, which leaves you in the situation where you're basically shooting blanks. Once you're undetectable your system is basically toxic to HIV. Re-infection is a worry from the past: we now know that it's something that happens about once a year in the entire world. Your more immediate concern should be other STIs which can disrupt your treatment. Get vaccinated for hepatitis A and B (unfortunately there isn't one for hepatitis C and the treatment for hep C is a bastard). In the UK we're warned every autumn to get immunised against flu (every year the predominant flu virus has mutated or changed). There's also available immunisation against cryptococcal pneumonia. After that, from what I understand, it's basically illegal not to disclose your status before sex - American help here please! Personally I always disclose (only my Grindr profile doesn't contain either HIV+ or poz and that started out as an experiment to see what difference coming out as poz on a profile makes). I don't feel comfortable not disclosing (unless it's a party situation where it's a fair bet that the neg guys are in the minority).

Random late night thoughts... hope there's something useful there for you...

[wood]

The only worries that I have at this point are:

1) Of course, the most paramount worry- my health. And of course that the treatment will be effective and that I won't be the "special" case that doesn't respond to treatment.

2) That I will be able to afford the meds or at least be able to find some kind of assistance program to make them affordable.

3) Keeping this a secret from my family/friends. They cannot know. I and they will be devastated if they find out.

4) The fact that I was on PEP from another encounter 5-6 months ago, worried that that treatment could interfere with further treatments going forward. Is that a valid worry?

5) Playing with guys going forward. Worried about the possibility of re-infection.

Any advice on those worries guys?

1) It is extremely rare at this point that you wont find a treatment that will work for you. Realistically you will be put on something like stribild, complera or atripla, and have a good response, most people do. I had a few friends test positive this past year, and all went on a single pill regimen, and had a great response.

2) You WILL be able to find a plan that you can afford, no question. There are enough programs out there, that you will find one that works, dont worry about it.

3) Thats your decision for now. The guy Im dating right now is poz/undetectable. He just told his mother before xmas this year, and he was infected 5 years ago. It does take time, dont worry about that right now. Eventually you probably will tell them just to get it off your chest, but that comes in time.

4) shouldn't be an issue. The PEP drugs would have been well out of your system by then, thus there would be no chance of hiv resistance to them.

5) only a real concern if you are not on treatment. On treatment the chance of reinfection with another subtype is rare. Its only really seen in people not on treatment, and with very low cd4 counts.

[wood]

I would be more worried (or at least as worried) about other STI including HEP C. Please get tested for HEP C and Tuberculosis and Syphillis/Gono etc regularly if you are having unprotected sex. Especially HEP C if you parTy with guys who slam/use IV drugs. You cant always tell by looking at someone if they have HEPC or HIV. HEPC is very treatable and curable in most, but dont let it go. Same with syphillis (very curable). Don't do injection drugs. Ever. BooTy bump is "safer" than injecting or even smoking (fucks lungs up much quicker than smoking but probably not too bad for infrequent users).

In my opinion, be "selective" about who you sleep with, but something has got to kill you, so you might as well enjoy bareback sex. It does feel awesome!

More than that, just dont do drugs, especially meth. And by drugs I dont mean weed, alcohol, poppers, etc. There i no quicker way to fuck up your health than by doing drugs. A lot of the people who start, cant stop, and end up not only ending up with other diseases, but also neglecting their HIV treatment, and in some cases become resistant. Hep C + HIV can be a real bitch, and you would be amazed how many people that do meth end up with hep C.

Getting tested often for other STI's is also a must. I'm neg, and I go every three months for a full panel just because I don't want any of that shit. If you bareback, something eventually will happen, but the key is catching and treating anything that happens. Also, you are at the age now where you want to start getting anal pap smears. This checks for abnormalities that can turn into anal cancer. If caught early anal cancer is treated fairly easy, but its a big deal if it progresses. My friend who tested HIV+ this year, developed an early stage of anal cancer within the 6 months after testing poz, and when his immune system was low. However because they caught it early it was a quick inpatient procedure with a laser.

[AgentColby]

Thanks for your response, AgentColby. I have already gone and made an appointment with a doctor that is part of an infectious disease specialist group said to be one of the best in the area for dealing with HIV. I am sure that this doctor will have all the resources necessary to find how I can afford meds. Because of the job that I am going to have in New Jersey in September (it is a state job), I will be required to live within the state as per new state legislation (thanks Gov. Christie), so moving to NYC is not really viable (or affordable) for me right now.

I am dealing with this reasonably well considering how fresh the news is. This is only 6 days ago, I saw the faint line poz test. Between then and now, I have been able to go to work (that first night at work was rough and I was like a zombie, but that was it). I have been able to see friends and family and act like my old self without triggering any thoughts of "is something wrong?" So, once I get all this sorted out with the doc and the meds, I am sure it will be totally fine. Thanks again and stay in touch.

Hi Poptronic: All great news. I am very happy thinks are ok for you and dealing with the news well.

Even better you have an appt with a doctor. You are well on your way to making sure everthing is set up. As I said earlier, keep the communication with your doctor open.

Since you will be working for the state of NJ, your insurance will be great. Gov. jobs have awesome benefits and when I first tested poz, my job at the time was a gov job. The insurance was great.

I wouldn't bother telling your family about your status. What is the point to it? You are healthy, able bodied. No need to cause worry by telling them. Mine do not know and I do not intend to tell them as there is nothing for them to worry about.

[wood]

How ya doing poptronic? check in with us!

[fillmyholeftl]

Hollywood... (I like that better than SLUT)...I PM'd poptronic and recommended a great group of Infectious Disease specialists near him. They were my doctors before I moved to Ft Lauderdale.. He's in good hands.

How ya doing poptronic? check in with us!

[VersatileBreeder]

Hey there guys. Well, it's been a full week since I got the news. This has been the longest week of my life, but I have had a lot of time to think. To be honest, I have been holding up much better than I thought I would. When I used to think about what I might do if I ever saw the day that I got the news that I was poz, I used to think that I would have a complete breakdown and go suicidal, literally. Thankfully, that is not the case.

So, I have an appointment at a doctor's office that specializes in HIV treatment. Thank you for the recommend, fillmyholeftl. I hope they are as good as you say they are. That appointment is this Wednesday and hopefully, with all the lab results that I have hard copies of, they will get me on meds ASAP. And I am hoping they are resourceful enough to find a way to be able to get me on meds that don't break me in half financially.

Like I said, I have had a lot of time to think about things. The mental anguish that I can never get married and have a family (yes, I am bi and that was something I was hoping to be able to do) kills me. I still hate that I have to keep this a secret from everyone, but I don't have many gay friends and I don't know how they will take it. I can't even tell my roommate. He's my best friend in the world and has been for the last 10 years. He's got a lot of anxiety and OCD issues that tie into hypochondria and germophobia. If I told him, he would likely move out or distance himself from me in fear that he'll catch it if we so much as drink from the same glass.

Physically, I have been feeling a little off. My entire body feels like all my muscles are fatigued, weak and tense. Not sure if this is the anxiety of the news causing it or an effect of the HIV infection. Has anyone felt this after converting? I feel so weak and tired. Also, I have been having night sweats, though they are becoming less frequent and less intense. Anyone ever get those?

All in all, I have been seeing two faces of HIV with all the reading up I have been doing this week. There is the classic approach that says it is a deadly virus that causes AIDS, people are still dying from it, it isn't curable, if you don't already have it don't get it, etc etc. Then there is the new school face I see, the optimistic, hopeful face that says it is no longer a death sentence, the meds are manageable and people are living long, healthy, normal lifespans with them. I am trying to see the sunnier side of it and be optimistic.

Another question I have for all you guys who have once been in my shoes... After finding out you were poz and you were able to get on a med routine and start feeling physically healthy with low or undetectable VL, etc, how long did it take for your mental health to come back? Did you feel like your old self before you converted? That's what I want to get back to, but I want to have an idea how long it takes people to get there. And I know everyone is different, but I just want to have an idea.

[versgeek]

I'm glad to hear that you're holding up better than you thought you would. As a gay barebacker who has lofty goals of one-day having a family, I would like to point out that you still can have a child, you can get married, and you can be bisexual. There are lovely poz women, and there are plenty of negative women who are able to see past your diagnosis. You can even have an HIV- child. You could also potentially adopt, though the laws around adoption are sometimes difficult to navigate and vary state by state.

Don't give up hope on any of those things.

[bearbandit]

The mental anguish that I can never get married and have a family (yes, I am bi and that was something I was hoping to be able to do) kills me.

Get your viral load down to undetectable and it's perfectly possible. A member of the UK myHIV board has just given birth to a perfectly healthy baby. Of course, it'll be 18 months or so that we know that she only inherited her mother's antibodies, and has none of her own, meaning she dodged the bullet, but we're all very pleased for her.

I still hate that I have to keep this a secret from everyone, but I don't have many gay friends and I don't know how they will take it.

I take the view that if they can't take it they weren't worth knowing in the first place. As the saying goes "Real friends help you hide the body". Similarly real friends will just absorbe it as as another interesting fact about you.

Also, I have been having night sweats, though they are becoming less frequent and less intense. Anyone ever get those?

Night sweats are common during seroconversion illness and tend, as you suggest, to fade away. Some of us get stuck with them which is why I never buy a washing machine guarantee above three years!

All in all, I have been seeing two faces of HIV with all the reading up I have been doing this week. There is the classic approach that says it is a deadly virus that causes AIDS, people are still dying from it, it isn't curable, if you don't already have it don't get it, etc etc. Then there is the new school face I see, the optimistic, hopeful face that says it is no longer a death sentence, the meds are manageable and people are living long, healthy, normal lifespans with them. I am trying to see the sunnier side of it and be optimistic.

Can I suggest you read through the online magazine I write for at www.beyondpositive.org ? I'm the old man of the columnists, probably having put in almost as many HIV years as the rest put together. I got HIV in 1980 when I was 23: I expect to die of heart disease sometime in the next 20 or 30 years (last year's colonoscopy has shown a normal bowel, which was my big fear). The men in my blood family tended (I think I may be the eldest left by now!) to die young, but you should have have met my aunts!

Another question I have for all you guys who have once been in my shoes... After finding out you were poz and you were able to get on a med routine and start feeling physically healthy with low or undetectable VL, etc, how long did it take for your mental health to come back? Did you feel like your old self before you converted? That's what I want to get back to, but I want to have an idea how long it takes people to get there. And I know everyone is different, but I just want to have an idea.

The £64000 question. The meds are a hell of a lot better now, so disregard any of my bitching about them! Ordinarily you'd expect to get to an undetectable viral load within six month at the most, although those rare being, the long term non-progressors, because they're not on meds tend to hover around 100 - 200 (which used to be undetectable before they moved the goal posts again. The VL test is constantly being improved, so the line for being undetectable drops. Mental health - worth seeing a counsellor. I can't answer your question about feeling like your old self because it's 34 years since I seroconverted and I don even remember who I was fucking then, much less how i was feeling!

You'll get back to being you in your own good time. Some guys bounce back in a few months, others take a year or two. What I would recommend is that you search out a support group and get involved. I'm 34 years in and I depend on my visits to Living Proof ( http://nltsg.weebly.com/ ) to keep my head together.

You've probably gathered that I'm very concerned with aftercare for PwHIV. I confess I neither know nor understand the US system of healthcare, but I'm open to any question outside of that field, either publicly or as a private message. Ask me an honest question publicly or privately and you'll get an honest answer. I want to see barebacking safer for all of us.